I Should Just Give Auburn Up For Dead Every Week...

Way to go Tigers. I always enjoying being completely wrong about you.

Suck It Ole' Miss. I called this upset in the pre-season, thanks for making me look smart since we all know that isn't true.

Suicide Watch (2009), week 9: too much horror business

Fuck it dude, I've got better shit to do than worry about what Auburn does this Saturday. The only Navy Nightmare I expect is watching our offense trying to move the ball on the Rebel's D and then seeing Dexter McCluster jump into the Heisman race with another 200+ all purpose yards (seriously why isn't he getting talked about? I'd have him in my top 5 players.)

If the Tigers have any pride left then they'll make a game out of this...if not, well at least Furman is still on the schedule.

Tragedy chances: 99%

How did you die this week Auburn: Killed by assassins

a random list of things that i have been for Halloween

a clown (as a baby)

an Auburn football player (2 years old)

Luke Skywalker (ages 3 and 7) the first time i was X-Wing pilot luke and my mom and dad made my costume and it ruled and the 2nd time i was return of the jedi Luke in the black outfit.

He-Man (4 yrs old)

Michael Jackson WereWolf (Age 5 and 6)

Billy Idol (8 yrs)

Ghostbuster (9 yrs) this is by far my favorite Halloween costume of all time. my dad built me and my brother proton packs and my mom hand painted the Ghostbusters logo on some jumpsuits she bought us. i kept that costume and would wear it all the time forever. if i find pictures i will post them.

Lone Star (10 years) for those who don’t remember he was some random cartoon character that was a cowboy in the future on a planet called NEW TEXAS. i don’t even remember anything about the cartoon other than he was a cowboy and had the strength of a bear, the speed of a puma, and the eyes of a hawk.

Karate Kid (10 years old) this was the costume i went as that night after i spent the whole fucking day at school explaining my Lonestar costume to people and got upset that noone knew what i was.

Freddy Krueger (11 yrs)

then i went through a stupid period of my life where i thought dressing up wasn’t cool and didn’t go trick or treating and instead would go egg people’s houses with my best friend Adam.

once we reach the teen and adult years i have no idea how old i was but i remember being these costumes

Zombie Kurt Cobain

Kraftwerk

Angel of Death

Slasher movie victim

Dirk Diggler (twice)

90s Goth Teen

Hipster Vampire

Myself at 16 when i was 26

the Unabomber (4 years in a row)

and this year i am going as the killer from Torso.

TV PARTY, Week 9: Are You Still With Me?

oh Halloween on a Saturday. it equals 2 things: 1, that i'm not gonna be watching the late game cuz i'll be too busy enjoying the college studentless bars of Athens and checking out hot townie chicks in slutty costumes and 2, a bunch of sadass Georgia fans will be arriving next week for me to mock. and such is life in the ATH.

not that i really have any room to mock anyone this year as the wheels have completely fallen off my Auburn Tigers. currently riding a 3 game losing streak and forced to play in the early slot on Halloween...sucking in life that woulda been left from the students and making the "NAVY NIGHTMARE" (god, it's sooo lame when i read it aloud) all the less nightmarish. whatever.


DO I REALLY HAVE TO WATCH THIS TEAM, STILL?

Ole' Miss @ Auburn, 12:21 on TBS or whatever

how much do you miss this guy?

the only Navy Nightmare i expect to see this Saturday is Ole' Miss demolishing whatever's left of this Auburn offense and then Jevan Snead doing some damage control on his NFL stock by lighting up that Auburn secondary. this one is gonna be ugly, i can feel it.

THE ANNUAL BEATING OF THE DAWGS

UGA & FLORIDA in Jacksonville, 3:30 on CBS

is this game ever NOT the 3:30 CBS game? is this game even still considered a rivalry when the majority of the students who attend both universities can only remember Georgia actually winning this shit a couple of times in their lifetime? is there any doubt in your mind that Urban Meyer is gonna run up the score bigtime vs. the Dawgs and let Tebow score as much as he can to help that Heisman campaign? is there even a chance the Dawgs can keep this close for at least the 1st half?

THE ONLY GAME WORTH WATCHING THIS WEEKEND

USC @ Oregon, 8:00pm on ABC

too bad i'll be out and about while this is on as this could be a de facto BCS eliminator. the winner of this one is most likely your Pac-10 champ and possibly a national title contender depending on what happens with Texas. i am picking Oregon to pull off the upset and then lose some stupid game near the end of the year. it's how they roll.

I was a teenage werewolf, Braces on my fangs

The Cramps, "I Was A Teenage Werewolf". your Halloween jam of the day.

Free Movie Friday @ CINE', Horror Style

the WSLA is gonna be showing Evil Dead 2 at CINE' this friday at Midnight for free. come out and watch Bruce Campbell being the legend that he is.

College Football Pick Em, Week 9...fuck it, who cares?

Thursday Oct 29
1: UNC @ Virginia Tech- Va Tech
Friday Oct 30
2: West Virginia @South Florida- WV
Halloween
3: Indiana @ Iowa- Iowa
4: Cincinnati @ Syracuse- Cinci
5: Rutgers @ Connecticut- UConn
6: NC St @ FSU- FSU
7: Purdue @ Wisconsin- Wis
8:Ole Miss @ Auburn- Auburn
9: nebraska @ Baylor- Nebraska
10:Southern Miss @ Houston- Houston
11:San Jose State @ Boise State- Boise
12: UGA vs Florida (Jacksonville)- Florida
13:Miami @ Wake forest- Miami
14:California @ Arizona State- Cal
15: Central Michigan @ Boston college- BC
16: Iowa State @ Texas A&M- A&M
17: Duke @ Virginia- Virginia
18: Michigan @ Illinois- Michigan
19: Temple @ Navy- Navy
20: Kansas @ Texas Tech- Texas Tech
21: UNLV @ TCU- TCU
22: Air Force @Colorado State- Col St
23: UCLA @ Oregon State- UCLA
24: Penn State @ Northwestern- Penn St
25: Eastern Michigan @ Arkansas- Ark
26: Mississippi State @ Kentucky- Kentucky
27: Kansas State @ Oklahoma- OK
28: Georgia Tech @ Vanderbilt- Ga Tech
29: Washington State @ Notre Dame- ND
30: South Carolina @ Tennessee- Tennessee
31: Texas @ Oklahoma State- OK St
32: USC @ Oregon- USC
33: Tulane @ LSU- LSU
34: Michigan State @ Minnesota- Minnesota
Tiebreakers (total Points)
A: Florida vs Georgia- 77
B: Ole Miss @ Auburn- 35
C: USC @ Oregon- 48
D: Georgia Tech @ Vandy- 56

Fuck The Top 25, everyone sucks

this is what happened to me after a weekend of shitastic football viewing. i am officially over this season. when does 2010 start?


A LIFETIME OF DEFEATS TOP 25, Week whatever the fuck it is

1 Florida
2 Alabama
3 Texas
4 USC
5 Cincinnati
6 TCU
7 Iowa
8 Georgia Tech
9 LSU
10 Boise State
11 Oregon
12 Oklahoma State
13 Virginia Tech
14 Pitt
15 Penn State
16 Utah
17 Houston
18 Miami
19 South Carolina
20 West Virginia
21 Ole' Miss
22 BYU
23 Arizona
24 Notre Dame
25 Central Michigan

Reality Check

so with Chris Todd reverting back to the one armed guy who sucked from last year, a lot of Auburn fans on the web are calling for Neil Caudle to be named starter. i don't know if i need to mention this, but he barely beat out Tyrik Rollison for the backup spot...and that's only because the staff wanted to redshirt Rollison. i've seen Neil Caudle play in person in Spring games and in mop up duty...if there is one thing i've come to know about our boy Neil is that he loves to throw some motherfucking interceptions.

Auburn would be better off letting Kodi finish the year again than throwing Caudle out there to create turnovers. Kodi can throw interceptions, but he might just be able to beat a team with his legs like he almost did last year vs. UGA. or better yet, just fucking stick with Todd and hope he can get it back together. switching QBs didn't work last year...what the hell makes any of you think it's going to work this year?

and i don't wanna hear about all this loyalty horse shit and how Caudle was an Elite 11 QB recruit. the dude got hurt his senior year of highschool and hasn't played a meaningful snap since. he couldn't beat out Kodi Burns in the spring and Kodi can't hit water falling out of a fucking boat. he nearly got beat out by a true freshmen this year. if Barrett Trotter wasn't injured i have no doubt he'd be the backup. let's just face it, Caudle isn't any good...cuz if he was then he'd be the damn QB already.

stick with the fucking zombie Todd and let's hope the running game will be good enough to get us 2 more wins and then next season we start all over again.

Misery Loves Company

this

& this


=


it's a good thing i quit playing fantasy football this year cuz my team woulda lost by about 100 points.

fuck football.

Season Of Death 2: Deathier

...bother showing up on saturdays if you are gonna just lay down and die. What the fuck happened to this team?

Zombie Todd's arm fell off. Little LightningBolt McCalebb can't do shit. Adams can't catch. Noone on the defense knows how to tackle. Noone on the line knows how to block....

And the motherfucking penalties make me so fucking crazy that I want to blow my fucking tv up.

Keep playing like this Auburn and who gives a shit if you go 6-6 and make a crappy bowl game? You'll just get beat by some lousy Conference USA team.

Again, fuck you Tommy Tuberville. Fuck you in your big fucking ears with an elephant dick.

Beware of Werewolves with Machine Guns

Suicide Watch (2009): Week 8, Do or Die

the feeling is mutual, buddy.

first 5 weeks:


last 2 weeks:


what better way to make everyone feel a whole lot better than by rolling into the Bayou beating LSU's fucking brains out?! other than upsetting Bama and ruining their chance at a national title, i couldn't think of a better highlight for the season than if an underdog Auburn team could take those OTHER Tigers and mash their faces in the dirt and end Auburn's current losing streak and get the positive vibes going again. another loss just further throws dirt on this season being anything more than a rebuilding year. a win vs. LSU would be something for the 09 Tigers to hang their hats on, no matter what this team's final record ends up being.

chance of tragedy: 10, it's LSU...on the road. we never win those games, i don't care how inept their offense is.

method of suicide: win this game of else...

my thoughts on the umpire controversy

Who gives a shit?

Baseball sucks. Only yankees and old people watch that bullshit anyways.

The records are meaningless now and the season lasts too fucking long. Cut 20 games off the schedule and retract 4 teams and maybe I'll care again...either that or the Braves need to win again...that would also work for me.

No More Crying

my hate for the former coaching staff and my sorrow at the current team's implosion vs. Kentucky had me acting like a mopey little emo kid since Saturday, but that shit is over. get fucking pumped for those damn LSU Tigers...cuz their ain't nobody i hate more than them right now.

Best and Worst NFL Throwback Uniforms

so you probably already know by now that it's the 50th anniversary of the old AFL and all the original teams are wearing throwback replicas of their original counterparts. some are awesome (Chargers, Bills, Raiders, Oilers) and others make me wish i were blind (Broncos). anyway it got me thinking about my favorite and least favorite throwback uniforms in all of the NFL and so i made a useless list of each.


The BEST (aka Do)

1. San Diego Chargers

nobody can touch the powder blue. why these aren't the Chargers everygame uniforms i will never understand. if you watch a Chargers game EVERYONE in the stands is wearing these. hell these aren't just the best throwbacks...they are the best NFL uniforms ever...period.

2. Buffalo Bills

as much as i love the Chargers, i'll admit that Buffalo is pretty damn close to being just as good. there's just something about THAT color blue and those white helmets and that red bison. it just looks fucking crisp and stylish and super retro. i don't know, they're just fucking rad. this is another team that should just switch back to their classic design cuz what they wear now sucks.

3. Detriot Lions

yes, they suck at all things playing football related, but damn those throwbacks are pretty sweet. i love the solid uniforms without many stripes and the no logo look. i've always thought Detriot had some of the best colors in the NFL and so just seeing the Silver and Blue stand alone without anything else just makes it pop for me. every thanksgiving when they rock these i always say, "well at least Detriot has better uniforms."

4. Tennessee Titans (Houston Oilers)

if you can't tell by now, i loves me some blue uniforms...especially powder/baby blue. those old Oilers unis are the powder-bluest. the Oilers are a team who i ALWAYS loved their look and when they unvailed the Titans design i just hung my head and wanted to cry. whatever, having sweet throwbacks won't make anyone forget how fucking bad they are this season.

5. New England Patriots

okay, i'll admit that the old school Pats unis are kinda wussy lookin' and mostly they just remind me of being a little kid and watching the Bears destroy them in the Super Bowl...but i HATE their current uniforms and would much rather see them go back to rockin' Patriot Pat instead.

bonus pick:

6. Atlanta Falcons

file this under: shameless homerism. but i FUCKING LOVE those Falcons original throwbacks. the black jersey with the red helmet and the gold and black stripe that gives a nod to Georgia Tech and UGA. when they busted these out for the first time this year i got really stoked and even thought about buying a jersey...and then i remembered that people who wear NFL jerseys are usually douchebags and so i didn't.

The WORST (aka Don't)

1. Philadelphia Eagles

Where Powder/Baby Blue goes horribly wrong...when it is combined with BRIGHT FUCKING YELLOW. worst uniforms in any sport...EVER. to be fair: these technically ARE NOT Eagles uniforms and are instead the Frankford Yellow Jackets. but the Eagles still thought it was a good idea to take the field in these and try to sell them to the public.

2. Denver Broncos

boring brown and yellow make them look like giant rotten bananas. and what the fuck is up with those fucking socks?! another reason why Cutler wanted out of town.

3. New York Jets (New York Titans)

like the previous two teams you can understand why they had a complete color scheme overhall. i don't even know what you call this other than boring.

4. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THE GAY PIRATE EVER AGAIN! worst NFL uniforms of my lifetime.

5. Pittsburg Steelers

it's funny how much just changing the color of the helmets and pants totally ruins what is one of the NFL's best uniforms ever. i don't know, yellow just sucks when it's on your head, dude. hate it, hate it, hate it.

I Want You to Be Something Awesome For Halloween, Auburn Students

so Auburn is calling for a "NAVY NIGHTMARE" vs Ole' Miss on Halloween night. which...is....GHEY!!!

what the fuck is a Navy Nightmare?

LAME LAME LAME LAME. let the college kids be a little more creative than that. it's fucking Halloween, dress up like some ghouls, goblins, slutty cheerleaders, the Warriors...you know, Awesome things.

5 costume suggestions for Auburn Students

1. Misfits

dress up like the Misfits...but use Navy and Orange facepaint instead of black and white and get wasted and sing "Where Eagles Dare" (which i'd make Auburn's intro music if they gave me that kind of power) all night long. I Ain't No Goddamn SonofaBitch...You Better think about it baby!!!

2. Baseball Furies

the creepy baseball clowns from the Warriors are always fun to be. again, use Auburn colors instead of black and white. this costume works best if you can get a group of about 10 or so people to dress the same. plus, bonus baseball bat to carry to the game.

3. Gordon Gekko

this one is for the business majors. what's more frightening in our current economic tire fire than going as a scrumbag Wall-Street trader?

4. Hugo Stiglitz

just cuz.

5. unstoppable zombie horde

just think how fucking awesome it would be if you could get the entire Auburn student section to dress like blood thirsty zombies and they just made weird moaning sounds and acted like they wanted to crawl down onto the field and eat Jeven Sneed's brains all night? yeah, this is the idea i like best. make this happen Auburn. everyone dress like Auburn zombies.

BUUUUUURRRRDSSS!!!

Dome = Defended.

thanks Falcons, i needed that.

SUPER BOWL OR BUST!!!!!

Jumping Off The Bandwagon

Auburn...your bandwagon is now 100% empty.

A LIFETIME OF DEFEATS TOP 25, Week 7

1 Bama
2 Florida
3 Texas
4 USC
5 Cincinnati
6 Miami
7 TCU
8 Iowa
9 Boise State
10 Georgia Tech
11 Oregon
12 LSU
13 BYU
14 Oklahoma State
15 Virginia Tech
16 Pitt
17 Houston
18 Penn State
19 South Carolina
20 Utah
21 Kansas
22 West Virginia
23 Texas Tech
24 Boston College
25 Central Michigan

I Am Made Of Sad

football sucks.

i need a Falcons win today....bad.

the JR Suicide's Auburn Football Makes Me Wish I Was Into Soccer Instead Playlist

1. the MASH THEME (Suicide Is Painless)
2. Black Flag- Depression
3. The Beatles- Yer Blues
4. Buzzcocks- Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn't Have Fallen In Love With)
5. Justin Trouble- Stay Away Sadness
6. Another Sunny Day- You Should All Be Murdered
7. Crowded House- Don't Dream It's Over
8. Dream Syndicate- Tell Me When It's Over
9. The Wipers- Potential Suicide
10. Danzig- Tired Of Being Alive
11. The Jesus and Mary Chain- Everything's Alright When You're Down
12. The Who- So Sad About Us
13. Shocking Pinks- You Can Make Me Feel Bad
14. Beck- Lost Cause
15. Roy Orbison- Crying
16. The Walker Brothers- The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore

I BLAME THIS GUY

i wish we could fire him/make him quit (what the fuck ever) again.

fuck you, you one hit wonder, sorry-ass-recruiting, duck hunting, media darling, big eared, jerk. Auburn might as well be on probation with the talent you left behind. you are officially dead to me.

well that sucked

I'll spare you my normal assault of f-bombs and just say that I'm no longer emotionally invested in a team that will just completely give up on a game like that.

Auburn is a 6-6 team...maybe 7-5. Please be at least 7-5. Just beat Georgia. Other than that I'll be watchin' my Falcons.

Feel free to vent your own f-bombs or angry rants.

random cryassery from section 48, row 32, seat 12 of Jordan-Hare

My ass is freezing, so maybe that has something to do with my foul mood...either that or it could be having to watch whatever the fuck Auburn is calling an offense tonight vs. Kentucky. It's gonna be a long drive home if they don't get their shit together in the 2nd half.

Suicide Watch (2009), Week 7: Drowning Cats

did you know Kentucky has a hockey team? is this actually real? Hockey...In the SEC?! that makes about us much sense as there being more teams NHL teams in the Southeast and Texas than in Canada......oh wait.

so i'll be at the game this weekend watching Auburn try to make up for their shitastic performance vs. Arkansas. and what better team to take your frustrations out on than Kentucky? (well honestly i'd kinda like some Nerd-Vengence on Vandy...but that'll have to wait a few years). the Cats lost their starting QB for the year and will be shuffling a mix of signal callers out there all Saturday.

Auburn defense: your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to stop THIS MAN:

Randall Cobb is literally the only thing about Kentucky that frightens me. why they aren't just moving him back to QB (where he was far more lethal last season) is beyond me. dude pretty much almost singlehandedly beat Georgia last season and i could see him carving up this Auburn D with his legs if the coaches just let him take direct snaps all day.


chance of tragedy: 5, it's Kentucky...i give em' their due because they are an SEC team and they've pulled off upsets in recent years (Georgia & LSU), but playing without their starting QB and against Auburn's offense AT HOME coming off an embarrassing loss...i like the Tigers BIG.

you died by: beaten to death with a hammer by a guy wear a skull mask and bunny ears. shit happens.

TV PARTY, Week 7...gettin' luck vs. Kentucky

i'll be in Auburn this Saturday watchin' the Tigers put a beat down on the Cats. watch whatever the fuck you want.

5 things i think i know at the halfway point of Auburn's season.

despite the fact Auburn just got blowed out (as Emmitt Smith would say...oh how i miss thee and your unique take on the spoken word) i think most of us are feeling positive vibes at this point in the year...especially when we were full of FEAR, LOATHING, DREAD, ANGER, CONFUSION in the offseason. even after the great staff that the Chiz was able to put together i think noone would've pegged Auburn as a 5-1 team at the mid-season point. with wins over 3 bowl teams from last year (La Tech, Ball State...okay i know it's not the same Ball State team from last year, and West Virginia) and a hard earned road win against another SEC team trying to rebuild their program, and they even made up for the worst offensive performance i have ever seen by crushing Mississippi State. so all in all things are great...other than the fact Arkansas is still scoring points on us.

so what do we know about our team right now?

1. SCORING POINTS IZ AWESOME!!!!

who ever would've imagined an Auburn team that would've ranked so highly nationally in so many different offensive categories? it's a miracle. it's fucking SCIENCE!!! pay Gustav whatever the hell he wants. the Tigers need to hang on to him as long as they can. (seriously i have nightmares about him leaving Auburn for Texas.)

2. we have a QB....finally.

despite Chris Todd playing like shit against the Hawgs last weekend, he's been a wonderful surprise for Auburn. the one armed zombie who chucked wobbly no zip having quails into the opposing secondaries from last year has been replaced by an accurate, aware in the pocket, sniper who still has only thrown 1 interception all year vs. 12 touchdowns and has only been sacked 5 times in 6 games...most of those coming against Arkansas. granted his play vs the Razorbacks left a little something to be desired...but his effort in leading Auburn on a 2nd half comeback win vs. West Virginia cancels that out for me. you'd have to rank him right now as either the 3rd or 4th best QB in the league behind Ryan Mallett and Tim Tebow...with Greg McElroy also in the discussion. who would've ever thought we'd be saying that?

3. Ben Tate rulz!

he would be a Heisman candidate if he played for Florida, Alabama, LSU, etc... dude is leading the SEC in rushing (6th nationally!) and is on track to go for 1,400+ yards. he's played himself from a 5th or 6th round sleeper into a possible 2nd round draft pick. i think it's safe to say we will all miss him next year.

4. Darvin Adams and Terrell Zachery can catch. awesome.

5. our defense is made of suck....but not TOTAL EPIC SUCK. gettin' gashed by Arkansas is gonna sting for a while. giving up buckets of yards vs. West Virginia was a red flag. letting Tennessee get back into the game was enough to make me vomit. but they've also been able to come up with big plays when they had to. Daren Bates has been a wonderful little surprise and Walter McFadden is a badass. our linebackers on the other hand are mostly just a suggestion...with the exception of Jonathan Bynes who i think is the most underrated defender on the team. also Eltoro Freeman = Tray Blackmon...just sayin'. the thing most surprising to me is how little we've heard from the unit that still has a lot of talent...aka the defensive line. they haven't been the playmakers and sack artists that we've seen in the past and Antonio Coleman is unfortunately starting to look like a guy who probably shoulda gone pro last year because there's no way his stock isn't falling like a stone every week. that being said, i'd rather have this unit than whatever the fuck they've got going on here in Athens.

a quick little trivia fact: the SEC's leader in touchdowns as of now is Jonathan Fucking Crompton thanks to the Georgia Bulldogs and their awesome defense.

5. Tuberville leaving was a good thing.

the year 2004...blah fucking blah. at this point i'm giving all that credit to Al Borges. Tuberville is the reason the talent has dropped off nearly every year since the Tigers went undefeated. recruiting has been a whole lotta swings and misses over the past 5 seasons and that's the main issue our defense is in the current trouble it finds itself in. i will always appreciate what CTT did for Auburn in restoring it's place on the national scene and all the big wins he gave us, but i'd been secretly (and not so secretly to certain people) wishing that he would take another job and leave Auburn for a Miami or Texas A&M (pretty just anyone of equal or hire stature not in the SEC). maybe i'll regret saying this, but i don't miss Tubby one single bit. i just really really hope he never ends up coaching another SEC school again. cuz revenge is a sonofabitch!

Maybe I'm spending too much of my time starting up clubs and putting on plays. I should probably be trying harder to score chicks.

this weeks WSLA Free Movie is the Wes Anderson classic RUSHMORE.

as always movie starts at midnight and is being shown at CINE'...aka the only movie theater in town where you can drink beer.