Friday, August 31, 2007

Inside The Backup Left Tackle Beats A Savage Heart

tomorrow is the first Saturday of the Season.
time to prove the pundits wrong.
time for half the teams in the country to lose faith and the other half to live the least til next weekend.
time for you to find out how well you function on no sleep with a massive beer fueled hangover.
time to break out that old Bo Jackson jersey you've had since you were 11.
time to learn the name of your teams punter.
time to lose your rent money when Georgia can't cover the spread.
time for quarterback controversies after week 2.
time for revenge.
time to start thinking about what rookie you'll take in next years fantasy draft.
time to put up 57 on Directional State University.
time for college fucking football.
most of all time to find out if THE U still has it.

Henig for Heisman

in what can only be described as the most painful performance in recent memory, Mississipi State Quarterback, Michael Henig tossed six (yes FUCKING SIX) interceptions last night to kick off the 2007 season. honestly i thought Brandon Cox 4 picks against UGA were bad, but this was an epic display of futility. i think after the 3rd one i'd just have stuck to running the ball 3 times and punting. his final numbers for the night 11/28, 120 yard, 0 touchdowns, 6 interceptions. i don't even know what kind of QB rating that is. i assume -10000. and this kid's dream was to play for Auburn?!?! granted he's a midget with a tiny little arm, but he played hard...despite getting no help and being blitzed constantly. he took a couple of big shots and at times it reminded me of being 8 years old and trying to play football with all the 12 and 13 year old kids in the only ends in tears and running home to mom when Ricky lays you out after they throw you a pass over the middle. poor guy.

LSU looked pretty spotty in the first half. Matt Flynn played OK, but i'm not sold on them being a title contender just yet. without Henig tossing up freebies all night this game might have been respectable. instead it was 45-0, i still predict that Flynn will falter at some point in the season and Ryan Perriloux ends up taking over for him. both QBs played well enough to beat most of the teams they'll face, but then again i think i could play well when i've got LSU's defence. and remember they did win the national title with Matt Mauck.

something besides football

We present to you this little piece of Youtube gold. The Hipster Olympics:

bonus points for the sell out band record toss, especially for using Of Montreal and referencing their Outback commercial.

Thursday, August 30, 2007


It's almost here. 2 Days and the misery/joy will flow. FINALLY my weekends will have some meaning again. over the next several months i will punish both my liver and my will to live by enduring false hopes followed up by painful losses, as my Auburn Tigers play their way through the 2007 season. going into last year i had visions of a BCS Championship dancing in my head....this year i'm more realistic. 10-3 will be okay with me, anything less than that though and i may spend alot more time drinking and thinking of what would be the most painful way i could off myself and make all the hurting stop. The Struggle is what college football is all about (unless you root for USC and then all i can say is go fuck yourself you greedy blue chip hoarding bastards). regardless each week of the season i will highlight Auburn's upcoming opponent and what chance they have at ruining the year for me...we are now officially on SUICIDE WATCH.

our opponent for week 1 is definitely a great candidate to blow this whole thing up in our faces from the get go. Kansas State is a Big 12 team who knocked off Texas last year and made it to a bowl game, not exactly the kinda team you wanna kick off your 2007 campaign with at home. They return a very talented QB in Josh Freeman (who has the size and talent to be the next JaMarcus Russell)and also have a great defender in DE/LB Ian Campbell who came out of nowhere last year to become a sack machine. with Auburn replacing so many linemen that could turn into a problem...and honestly the last thing we need is for our QB Brandon Cox to get hurt from a big hit and then have to play through another season with a crippled leg.

This matchup reminds me alot of the 2005 season opener with Georgia Tech where the Tigers were coming off their undefeated season and ended up losing to a team they were far more talented than just because they weren't yet settled at key positions like runningback and linebacker....which is basically the exact same set up we have this year, only you can add wide receiver and offensive line to that equation. so yeah, if Auburn can't establish the running game and instead Cox tries to force some throws to his new receivers i could see a scenario where a turnover or two could put the Tigers in a hole, and despite the comeback against Florida, they are never great when playing from behind. all of that said i am not THAT worried about K State. they have a young QB and not a ton of talent across the board and no real run threat. The Tigers defence is loaded with talent and more than likely this game will be a 17-3, get a few early scores and shut down K-State sort of affair.

Potential for tragedy. i score this one a 4 (only because the new skills players for Auburn are an x-factor and x-factors scare me).

Method of suicide, sticking head in the oven.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Can you believe it's almost here?

1 more day till some honest to goodness college football. ESPN is running 25 hours straight of College Gameday nonsense. that's 25 hours of Lou Holtz telling us all how Notre Dame will win 10 games and Mark May laughing at him mercilessly at what a foolish homer he is. also we get Herbie the Love Bug and Corso the Penis telling us about how great the Big 10 is and taking turns sucking off USC. lots of bold predictions will be made, such as USC will win the National Title and Oklahoma or Texas will win the Big 12, and blah blah there a script for this shit or do they just recycle each other's thoughts because they share one hive mind at Bristol?

ESPN continue to be a bunch of Big 10 homers and I'm sure an unnecessary amount of coverage will be given to Ohio State and Penn State and Michigan and a lack of it will be afforded SEC teams not named LSU or Florida. The Big East will get it's share of undeserved love since they're basically an ESPN product these days and somehow Notre Dame will be brought up somewhere around 50 times...but whatever, at least College Football is finally back and i have a reason to live again. LSU and Mississippi State are a nice little Thursday night snack to help hold me over until my Saturday feast of beer, blood, and football.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

maybe Joey Fucking Harrington doesn't suck???

ah the Pre-Season, a time of false hope for the playoff pretender. going into this season i had already written the Falcons off...and that was when that guy who kills dogs was still running the show.. but with good ole' Joey taking over i sorta figured we were just playing for a draft pick, and so it goes. but i somehow got so bored i watched the Monday night pre-season Bengals @ Falcons game and there was a strange thing that happened...suddenly Joey Fucking Harrington looked like a Quarterback. 2 touchdowns, 0 picks, he made all the right throws, he was running around like a kid and pumping his fist. and then i thought, hey maybe this won't be so bad after all. granted it was just the pre-season and it was the Bengals (aka one of the worst defences in the league) but suddenly what was looking like a 2-14 season is slowly starting to look like 8-8, which isn't actually an improvement and honestly i kinda would rather have that 2-14 season so we can get the number 1 pick in the draft....but maybe we won't have to spend it on a QB and instead can get Darren McFadden instead and build this franchise around the NFL's next great runningback. who knows? it's still a long season ahead of us, but i have this sneaky feeling that Harrington might just be the NFL comeback player of the year. HAHAHAHAHAHA YEAH FUCKING RIGHT! this season is gonna be a disaster. but maybe not as big as i had hoped for.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Killing Dogs = Finding Religion

so Mike Vick finally plead guilty today and then had a little press conference from which much bullshit flowed,

"First, I want to apologize, you know, for all the things that -- that I've done and that I have allowed to happen. I want to personally apologize to commissioner Goodell, Arthur Blank, coach Bobby Petrino, my Atlanta Falcons teammates, you know, for our -- for our previous discussions that we had. And I was not honest and forthright in our discussions, and, you know, I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself to say the least," Vick said.

"I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts and, you know, what I did was, what I did was very immature so that means I need to grow up."

Vick said he now has renounced dogfighting and has found religion as a result of the federal charges. "Dogfighting is a terrible thing. I reject it," he said.

"I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to bettering Michael Vick the person, not the football player," Vick said.

"I take full responsibility for my actions … I am totally responsible."

what a bunch of shit. who wrote that for him? you know what. all i have to say about this is FUCK YOU VICK! you're like a really hot girlfriend who just cheats on you all the time and then ends up fucking your best friend just to drive the nail in the coffin. i hope you NEVER play in the NFL again. you are a fucking useless retard and a disgrace and i hope someone shanks you in the yard...but i guess that's too much to ask for. i will no longer mention you again.

Best College Football Uniforms part 2

here's a follow up to my previous post about the Top 10 uniforms in college football. numbers 11-25.

11. UCLA

in college, like in the pros powder blue uniforms = fucking awesome.

12. Ole' Miss

despite being a total joke of a football team in the SEC, Ole' Miss sure looks fucking good in those bright red jerseys and dark blue helmets. we'll gloss over the fact that they still wave the rebel flag in Oxford on game day and instead focus in on the fact that they have the hottest co-eds in the conference

13. BYU

those crafty mormons sure know how to design a killer football uniform. for a few years BYU had these really awful ones that only the sick minds at Nike could have come up with, thankfully an outcry from the fanbase caused the team to go back to their more traditional blue and white unis. i wish the blue was a little brighter like the Steve Young/Robbie Bosco/Ty Detmer days, but the current uniform is still crisp and clean and cool looking. plus i love their logo.

14. Ohio State

great colors, simple design, winning tradition, looks good on TV. go Buckeyes. Florida owns your ass, but at least you have better uniforms.

15. LSU

despite the fact that they have maybe one of the ugliest color combinations ever, they somehow pull it off. like the Dallas Cowboys, LSU usually only wears white...and it's a a good look, those awful purple jerseys would surely knock them out of the top 25, but the white with gold and purple trim just look pretty badass.

16. North Carolina

baby blue doesn't just look good on the basketball court. the Tarheels might not be a very good football team currently but needless to say while getting their asses kicked on Saturdays they get it done in style.

17. Arizona State

ugly colors, but they sorta work, great logo on the helmet. sorta reminds me of Raising Arizona for some reason.

18. Colorado

the black and gold colors are pretty killer and they have one of the top 5 logos in all of cologe football. it's sort of an intimidating look...if they weren't currently sucking it up in the big 12. i think Dan Hawkins will eventually undo all the the damage in Boulder and get this once proud program back on it's feet.

19. Oklahoma

classic look, good colors. basically the same uniform as Alabama except they have a logo. when Nebraska plays Oklahoma it might be one of the best looking games in all of college football...i just wish they'd both go back to running the option.

20. Army and Navy

i kinda feel like the Army and Navy uniforms are interchangeable and when they play each other on the field i feel like i am watching a highschool football game. so simple it almost hurts, but classic as hell.

21. Air Force

where Army and Navy are the absolute mark of a simple classic look, the Air Force goes the totally other direction with their wacky ass bright blue unis. they sort of look like a CFL or Arena League team...but in a good way. plus i love the Lightning Bolt.

22. Purdue

not much to say. good color scheme. nice logo. road and home jereseys are both great.

23. SMU

it's actually their classic uniforms from the 70s and 80s that i love the most, but even their post-death penalty unis are pretty sweet. they kind look like a lost CFL or USFL team.

24. Texas A&M

classic, good colors, hasn't changed, soooooooooo fucking Big 12 it hurts.

25. Florida

i used to fucking hate Florida's uniforms...but they work. i prefer the white helmets, but whatever. winning national titles helps make an ugly uniform more acceptable i guess.

Friday, August 24, 2007

which SEC QB is most likely to ruin his teams upcoming season?

oh the's a league that was built on 2 things, great defence (just look at the rosters of most NFL teams and they are littered with SEC players on D) and running the goddamn ball (no conference has more NFL runningbacks), but in this day and age of modern college football we are forced to rely on a passing attack from time to time to win us a few big games. it's no real stretch to say that the two best QBs this year are at the 2 worst schools in the conference with Andre Woodson at Kentucky and Chris Nickson at Vanderbilt, they'll both put up alot of good numbers but it won't matter because both schools will suck, but hey there's always the NFL for these two.
after that we have alot of young and extremely talented, yet unproven QBs like Matt Stafford of UGA, Florida's Tim "me run you over like a tank" Tebow, and John Parker Wilson of Bama. we also have a number of players that couldn't make the scout team at most schools in Michael Henig of Mississippi State, Cody Dick of Arkansas, and whoever the fuck is the QB at Ole Miss. and lastly we have a group of senior QBs that could make of break their teams this season in the quest for that almighty SEC championship...and that's the group i am most interested in. each of these four players has shown the ability to win big games as well as choke them away and with all 4 of these schools possibly in the running for a league title this year, these 4 players will probably have the greatest impact on how this SEC season plays out.

our first player of note is Brandon Cox of Auburn. going into last season i had high hopes for Cox, he had played well in most of Auburn's big games in 2005 and became a legend with his 4th and forever game winner against UGA. the tough yet easily crippled Cox played his way through much of last season with a banged up leg that resulted in alot of sacks and picks that hurt the Tigers and actually resulted in a blowout against the hated Dogs at home, ruining Auburn's chance at a BCS bowl. this season Cox has a young offensive line and a host of new receivers that could result in a very long year for the veteran QB. the Tiger's always reliable running game should take some of the pressure off Brandon, but when they face UGA, LSU, and Florida he's going to be expected to stand in the pocket and make some big plays or else we might be looking at a 9-4 season this year. i've always liked Cox because he's an accurate passer but he tends to force the ball when under pressure and doesn't have the strongest arm ever. if he can step up and have at least 2 big games against LSU and Florida then i like Auburn to make it back to Atlanta, but if he struggles then we're probably going to the Peach Bowl bitches.

our second senior under fire is Blake Mitchell of South Carolina. Blake isn't the most talented QB ever but he's been under Spurrier's tutelage for 2 seasons and now that this is his third year in the system he's expected to be able to put the 'Cocks over the hump and win those big games instead of losing them close. unfortunately for Mitchell he no longer has all-conference wide out Sydney Rice to chuck it to. South Carolina has some descent receivers and a good defence and even a solid running game, so Blake's the real x-factor in whether we're gonna see South Carolina make their first ever trip to the SEC championship and to a BCS bowl game. don't be surprised if Blake gets benched midway through the year in exchange for one of the younger QBs that the ole' ball coach actually recruited to run his offence.

our next candidate for the blame game is Eric Ainge of Tennessee. Eric is a big, strong kid who'll probably end up being an NFL bust but nevertheless he's got the talent to be an NFL quarterback bust or not. Ainge has a big arm, but doesn't always make good decisions and without Robert Meachem to throw to this season he doesn't have a solid number one. i predict Ainge will actually have a good year considering he's playing for draft position, will he play well enough to win Tennessee the East? i don't know about that.

our final player whose fans will be cheering/cursing and calling for the backup QB is LSU's Matt Flynn. Matt has one high profile start under his belt when he lead LSU in a slaughter of The U during the 2005 Peach Bowl, when starter JaMarcus Russell was injured. now JaMarcus bolted for the NFL and he's left Flynn as the keeper of LSU's National Title dreams. it's hard to really know what the expect from Matt. he hasn't played much and when he has it was in spot work during blowouts. The Miami game is the only real game he's shown what he can do and it's really hard to say if that was a young man playing out of his mind or a future star getting his first chance to shine. i think Flynn will probably be fine, but he faces a really tough test early when Virginia Tech and their top rated defence come into Death Valley and try to wreck LSU's title shot. if Flynn loses that game or to Auburn don't be surprised if the young backup and former recruiting star Ryan Perrilloux gets to finally take over.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

The Gambler Returns

gambling and college football go hand in hand and 2007 will be no exception. against my better judgement i have decided to take part in MB's pick 'em and hopefully take home some much needed cash to fuel my desire to make it rain at the local strip clubs. anyways, here is what's gonna make or break me in the first week.

MB's Week 1 College Pick 'Em

Thursday, August 30

1:LSU @ Mississippi State - LSU

2:Utah @ Oregon State - Oregon State

Friday, August 31 ____________

3:Washington @ Syracuse - Syracuse

Saturday, September 1

4:Colorado State @ Colorado - Colorado

5:UAB @ Michigan State - Michigan State

6:Marshall @ Miami - THE U

7:Connecticut @ Duke - someone has to win so i go with UCONN

8:Virginia @ Wyoming - Virginia (i smell another 5-7 season)

9:UCLA @ Stanford - UCLA

10:Georgia Tech @ Notre Dame - Tech

11:Wake Forest @ Boston College- Boston College errr Wake eerrr goddamn ACC...fuck it Boston College

12:Nevada @ Nebraska - Nebraska

13:Ole Miss @ Memphis - Ole Miss

14:Washington State @ Wisconsin - Wisconsin

15:Missouri @ Illinois - Missouri

16:Houston @ Oregon - Oregon

17:Arizona @ BYU - Arizona

18:Central Florida @ North Carolina State - UCF

19:Baylor @ TCU- TCU

20:Oklahoma State @ Georgia - Oklahoma State

21:Troy @ Arkansas - Arkansas

22:Western Carolina@ Alabama - BAMA

23:Kansas State @ Auburn - Auburn

24:Tennessee @ California - Tennessee

Monday, September 3

25:Florida State @ Clemson - FSU (but don't be surprised if Clemson wins)

Week One Tiebreakers:

Total pts: Georgia Tech@Notre Dame 34

Total pts: OK State @ UGA 48

Total pts: Tennesee @ California 42

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Let The Countdown Begin

in just 10 more days we will have ourselves a good ole' fashioned, drunk as hell off beer and blood lust, College Football Saturday. MB get the booze and wings ready! maybe the Chick-fil-a Nugget platter might be in order too. anyways, this season i plan on adding the element of gambling to my Saturday booze and rage extravaganza. so here are a couple of predictions for the first Saturday in September.

first off Upset alert. i see one top 25 team going down quicker than a cast member off Rock Of Love. and that team is UGA. The Georgia Bulldogs will/ARE going to lose to Oklahoma State. i've been saying it for months and i am sticking to my guns, they've got an offense that can put up some points (ask BAMA) against a UGA team whose replacing alot of players on the front lines as well as the secondary, they've got a mobile QB (which always gives the Bulldogs trouble), and they've got a beast at wide receiver in Adarius Bowman who is 6 foot 4 and caught 12 touchdowns last year. UGA has alot more talent but i don't know if they'll be ready for a team that's on the rise and looking to prove themselves.

the worst case scenario of course for me is that UGA is gonna make Oklohoma State wish they'd started the year off with a Sun Belt team and the top 25 team that ends up getting beaten by a Big 12 school will in fact be Auburn losing to Kansas State. if that happens I'll probably be too depressed to care about what happens with the Dawgs.

the marquee matchup of week one is Tennessee at California. Cal has alot to prove after the solid beatdown that the Vols handed them in the opener last year, i pretty much expect much of the same this time too. those Tedfordbots play well against Pac-10 teams, but should they face anyone from another BCS conference they tend to fold like lawn chairs.

and the winner for longest fucking game of the day will probably belong to the contest between Arizona and BYU, especially now that Arizona is gonna be running that Texas Tech pass happy attack not to mention those Mormons love to sling it as well. this game could push 5 hours with all the clock stoppage from incomplete passes considering the Cougars are breaking in a new QB. should be high scoring though, which can make the passage of time seem less draining.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The Cursed City Of Atlanta

Besides the whole being burned to the ground during the Civil War and then being rebuilt by some asshole who thought it'd be funny to name everything Peachtree Street, the city of Atlanta is also home to a tragic and thankless tradition of losing sports teams and just overall bad luck.

For anyone who grew up as a kid in the 1980s in Georgia there were always a few things you knew for sure; the sun was gonna rise, you were always gonna think kids who drank Pepsi were weird, and The Braves and Hawks and Falcons were all gonna fucking lose.

as a Braves fan i could always count on the fact that Dale Murphy would be our lone representative in the All Star game and that we'd finish either last or next to last every year in the old National League West...and then suddenly the fortunes changed. 1991 is the summer i'll never forget. Worst to First. Glavine wins the Cy Young. Terry Pendelton flirts with the MVP. Ron Gant, David Justice, and Otis Nixon make up one of the best outfields in the National League. Smoltz recovers from a terrible first half and becomes the superstar people always thought he'd be. We beat the Dodgers and win the Division and then holy fucking shit we beat the Pirates and are going to the World Series. the 91 series might be one the greatest one of all time. and if it wasn't for Lonnie Fucking Smith the Braves would have probably won it. the Braves went on to win 14 straight division titles which would be great...if they didn't fucking choke every year in the goddamn playoffs. 13 seasons of high hopes and then bitter disappointments is enough to drive away a loyal fan base...and that's pretty much what happened.
The year that Atlanta actually did win a World Series, 1995, was the one year that i completely boycotted baseball because of the 94 strike. seriously i never watched a single second of the one year where Atlanta actually won it all. and now the writing is on the wall, Smoltz is getting old, the greatest Manager/General Manager team of all time, Bobby Cox and John Schuerholz, are both nearing retirement. i'd bet that this may be the last or next to last year where the Braves actually field a competitive team before slipping back into the ranks of also-rans. they can't really afford to sign Superstars anymore and with the Mets and their endless pocketbook it's doubtful that Atlanta will win another division title anytime soon. and so i feel like it's all coming to an end. maybe they'll make the playoffs this year and make one last run before Smoltz is done...but it all feels like your old dog who can't run and jump like he used to is about to be put to sleep.

The Falcons are a different kind of story. where as the Braves were loveable losers that turned into a great (yet disappointing) franchise...the Falcons have always seemed like they were playing with their head firmly inside their ass. the 1980s are basically a blur of 10 loss seasons with only the lowly Saints there to cushion our fall. two annual beatdowns a year by the 49ers were always good for a laugh. and a steady string of draft busts probably even would make Matt Millen feel like he's doing a pretty good job in Detroit. then came Jerry Glanville and Deion Sanders and the all black uniforms and then "holy shit, we made the playoffs. hey, why is MC Hammer hanging out on the sidelines?" Andre Rison and Deion were two of the best players in the NFL...our qb sucked but hey those are the breaks. whose this Bret Favre guy sitting on the bench? who cares, lets trade him. and so on and so forth. more losing seasons would follow. apparently we made the playoffs in '95. i don't remember this happening. and then suddenly 1998 rolled around and we had Jamal Anderson and his record breaking season (we also he the fucking Dirty Bird, but I'll forgive that when you rush for 2000 yards) and a respectable (if not often injured) Qb in Chris Chandler and somehow someway they went 14-2 and beat an incredible Vikings team in the NFC championship game (we'll gloss over the fact that it was a total fluke after Gary Anderson...who hadn't missed a kick all season...missed the potential game winner and let the Falcons come back and eventually win in overtime). now getting to the Superbowl was pretty amazing...but of course it happened to be on an actual Blue Moon. the Broncos easily crushed the Falcons and then Jamal Anderson blew his knee out to start the 99 season and pretty much killed the Falcons for a few more years. and then a shining beacon of hope emerged with the Number one pick in the 2001 draft. Mike Vick came to town. our franchise is saved. a magical playoff win at Greenbay in his first full season as a starter. Madden cover boy = broken leg and a wrecked season. Vick comes back and it's on to the NFC championship. we lose to the Eagles but it feels like things are different now. 2 late season collapses later turn into a coaching change and THEN, well you know what happened next. so here we are, our franchise player is a fellon and it's back to last place finishes and being a joke of a franchise. it's enough to make you open a wrist...but nobody bleeds for the Falcons.

The Hawks...what can i really say. 'Nique and Spud won some dunk contests. they never won any games that mattered. apparently the Hawks are still an NBA team. who knew? better yet, who cares?

Monday, August 20, 2007

The AP Pre-Season Poll is Out

AP Top 25
1. USC
2. LSU
3. West Virginia
4. Texas
5. Michigan
6. Florida
7. Wisconsin
8. Oklahoma
9. Virginia Tech
10. Louisville
11. Ohio State
12. California
13. Georgia
14. UCLA
15. Tennessee
16. Rutgers
17. Penn State
18. Auburn
19. Florida State
20. Nebraska
21. Arkansas
22. TCU
23. Hawaii
24. Boise State
25. Texas A&M

looks like the sports writers just copied their poll from the coaches with a few teams flip flopping. maybe i'm just biased...okay so of course i am biased, but UCLA? seriously outranking Auburn and Tennessee? yeah i know they beat USC last year but could they really beat any good team from the SEC? i doubt it. whatevs, when they get blown out by Oregon don't do i didn't say so. I Still think Georgia is highly overrated. replacing their entire offensive and defensive lines and most of their secondary doesn't exactly spell SEC East champions to me. the pollsters are sleeping on South Carolina, but i see the Cocks doing more than just scaring the shit out of everyone and losing close games to ranked foes like they've done the past 2 years. another team getting no love in the polls is South Florida. the Bulls may be one of the ugliest looking teams in college football, but they are slowing becoming the second best team in the limp dick of America known sometimes as Florida as Miami and Florida State continue to slide. a couple of other dark horses are Missouri and Alabama, don't sleep on the Tide. sure their D ain't much to look at, but they've got the best receivers in the conference not playing in Gainsville and a great young QB...if someone could actually establish thyself at runningback then Bama could easily end up with 8 or 9 wins.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Best Uniforms In College Football part 1

if there's one thing about me that everyone should know, it's that i make a lot of useless pointless lists. i make lists about everything. favorite songs to fuck to. 10 best deaths in a horror movie. greatest things that bill clinton said about not getting a blowjob from a chubby girl......anyways sports is not immune to this affliction and what better way to get ready for the college football season than to do a Top 10 list of the best uniforms in the college game. there is nothing scientific in my process, it's all about 3 things really...classicness (is that a word?), color scheme, and does it look cool. there's definitely a bias towards traditional teams and the simpler the better is what i believe...blah blah blah. anyways here we go....

The Top 10 Best Uniforms In College Football

1. Penn State

do you remember how all the food items in the movie Repo Man had white labels with bold black type that read either "food" or "beer"...well that's basically what Penn State's uniforms are. it's so simple and pure, it just feels like old school college football. no logos, just white helmets and navy blue jerseys. it's like they came out of a a box that just said "football uniforms". i may kinda hate old Joe Pa "the undead", but i love the Penn State unis. totally fucking awesome.

2. Texas

Oh Texas, you fucking football mecca. the Longhorns are such a close second to Penn State with that burnt orange and white uniform that i almost put them as number one. if Penn State has the best uniform then Texas has the best logo in all of sports. the simple iconic steer. it just feels like Texas. extra points are given to the Longhorns for beating USC in the national title game and making ESPN look like jackasses for crowning that Trojan team as the greatest college football team of all time before actually playing the Horns in the National Championship game.

3. Michigan

Maize and blue, best Helmet design ever, never change a thing Michigan...i may hate you and your lousy coach, but you gotta give it up for those uniforms.

4. USC

not much to really say about the Trojans other than great colors, great logo, great school mascot...and bonus points for having the best cheerleaders in football. oh song girls, how we love thee.

5. Florida State

something about that Garnette and gold just does it for me, best uniforms in the south. i know, fucking blasphemy from an SEC fan...what can i say? although i agree these uniforms look better when FSU isn't sucking it up on the field. negative points go out for the all black unis and those fucking green ones that they broke out last year. ughhhh.

6. Alabama

Look a poll that BAMA can get a top 10 ranking in. Sorry Mike. anyways it pains me to admit this, especially as an Auburn Fan, but BAMA has some goddamn fine lookin' uniforms. almost as perfect and simple as Penn State...but with an even better color scheme. Classic. it screams college football and tradition. my only real problem was when they let the players put their names on the back of the jersey. if they'd drop the names then BAMA would slide back into the top 5.

7. Notre Dame

the blue and gold is iconic and simple, like all great traditional powers. unfortunately Notre Dame might not be able to hang on the same field as the other elite teams in college football, but they sure as hell look good while they are getting their asses kicked.

8. Nebraska

go big red. that uniform looks so much better when it's running a quarterback option. if i was a Huskers fan i'd probably have killed myself by now after Bill Callahan destroyed our proud program. what a fucking douche. i think Rich Rodriguez is gonna end up coaching at Nebraska in about 2 years. just a hunch.

9. Georgia

who cares if they ripped that G off from the looks better in red anyways. if sort of kills me that the two best uniforms in the SEC belong to Auburn's biggest rivals, but hey i can admit it.

10. Auburn

rounding out the top 10 are the Auburn Tigers. call me a homer if you want but the Tigers road uniform is one of the best looks in college football. All white with the navy and orange trim and that interlocking AU is one of the best letter logos in football. the navy home jersey is great too, but something about the all white just looks a little more stylish.

anyways that's my top 10. you may agree, you probably don't. i'm planning on consulting with a fellow college football obssesive and do a complete top 25 as well as a top 10 Worst.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

College Football Is A Hell Of A Drug

College Football is a disease. it gets in your blood at a young age, and no matter how much pot you smoked and how many punk shows you went to in high school that shit always comes back and takes over your soul.

for the greater part of my 29 years i have been a fan of the Auburn Tigers (save when i was a year old and told my mother i was gonna go play QB for Bama and The Bear...I'm sure my poor dad nearly lost it). i can remember being a little boy riding in the car and my dad losing his mind listening to the Tigers on the radio and wondering why he was so angry. i have always assumed my father would die of a heart attack watching the Tigers make a goal line stand against Bama to win the SEC west...actually that's sort how i want to die as well. but it's a hard road to travel. 29 years and zero national titles. 2 undefeated seasons in my lifetime but not even a sniff of that final number one ranking. last season was one of the toughest i can remember. it's always easy to go 4-7, you're usually dead in the water from the get go...but going 11-2 and being in the national title and BCS hunt until a couple of upstarts with no business even staying close, much less blowing you out, come into town and spoil your home. it's enough to make a grown man cry....and cry i have. so in 19 days that familiar sensation of joy/dread every Saturday and every day in between will come rushing back and the suicidewatch will be on. god bless this horrible, terrible, no good curse. War Fucking Eagle!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Bobby Cox...We Salute You

yesterday our fearless leader, Bobby Cox became the most ejected manager of all time with his 132nd time getting tossed. way to go Bobby. you've made us all so proud...what with all your waddeling out of the dugout and cursing and caring on like a cranky old grandpa. it's enough to bring a tear to my eye.

Monday, August 13, 2007

If Only the Falcons Owned A Time Traveling Delorean

so our Hero, Ronald Mexico (aka Michael Vick aka the Unstoppable Force On Madden) is probably about to get suspended for the season by the NFL. now this is more or less just for show considering i don't think anyone saw Mike getting on the field this season anyways, but regardless it's pretty much nailing the point home that The Falcons are totally fucked....which all brings me back to the fact that The Falcons really should have traded Vick right after the water bottle fiasco in Miami. we all know that the Raiders would have stupidly jumped at the chance to trade away the number one pick to Atlanta for Vick. if that had happened we'd have Matt Schuab throwing to Calvin Johnson...instead of Joey Fucking Harrington throwing to the other team. oh well.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Let's Just Call Him Derek Mexico

good ole' Clutchy McClutch himself, Derek Jeter is a lot of things. for one, he's totally clutch (as i have been told many times by Joe Morgan). he's also a World Series winner many times over and the main reason i hate the Yankees. well now you can add one more fucking thing to his list of accomplishments/reasons i hate him. because he's the guy who ruined Jessica Alba's vagina. good ole' Clutchty apparently was too clutch to wear a jimmy and dropped the H-Bomb on Jessica Alba. at least that's what the celebrity gossip sites are all claiming. so much for that hot piece of ass.

and it probably doesn't stop there, because that lame douche has been around with some hot ass famous babes. some other potential victims are Mariah Carey (she probably gave it to him in the first place), Gabrielle Union, that slut from MTV that Nick Lachey bones...Vanessa Minnillo and most recently Jessica yeah that means JT probably has that shit too. oh well, go ahead and take them off your list of celebrities you can bang if your girlfriend says it's okay....not that it was happening anyways.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

BEWARE: The Next White Hype

so this young gentlemen is one Sam McGuffie. currently a highschool senior at some school in Texas. he's also rated by as the best all purpose back in the nation. he's set to do for white running backs what Eminem did for white rappers. get them some respect. and if you have ever seen his youtube videos you might understand what's giving college recruits such hard boners. kid is insanely gifted. just check this out.

even Smash Williams on Friday Night Lights would be impressed. here's so more shit to make your head explode.

anyways Sam is gonna be playing for Michigan the next four years and making all the slow white linebackers that make up the conference look silly....either that or he'll be a total bust. regardless, I'm sure he's pulling in some major pussy at Anne Arbor.

An Open Letter To Jake Plummer...and his Mustache

Dear Jake Plummer,

My name is Justin Robinson. I am an unfortunate and tragic fan of the Atlanta Falcons. You may or may not have heard, but currently our franchise quarterback is about to go on trial for dog fighting and more or less his ass has been run out of town. As it stands we are now left with Joey Harrington and some scrubs at the position. there's even been talk of bringing in Aaron Rogers (another fucking Tedfordbot like Harrington and Kyle Bowler...fuck that dude). We were just wondering if it would be at all possible to get you to come out of retirement and get Tampa Bay to trade you north to Atlanta. I have followed your career since your senior year at Arizona State where you lead the Sun Devils to a Rose Bowl appearance. You were one of the most exciting players in college football. Running around like a fool and making amazing plays and earning the nickname Jake The Snake (well that was already someone else's name...but who cares). Bill Walsh even called you "the next Joe Montana". unfortunately you spent your early years in the NFL tearing it up for the Cardinals and performing amazing feats such as throwing a pass with your left hand and getting leveled by linebackers after your 4th interception of the game. but still you were totally awesome to watch and if i am gonna be asked as a fan of the Falcons to endure a losing season, I'd at least like to have a QB behind center who could make me care about the fact that yeah we were gonna lose...but goddamnit we were gonna fucking lose with some style. Jake Plummer, Atlanta Needs You. And Your Mustache.


your pal,


Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Preseason USA Today/Coaches Poll

so the first preseason poll that actually matters is out. My Tigers are sitting about where i like them to be at number 14, just behind a highly overrated UGA squad that i predict is gonna get it's ass handed to it in week 1 vs. an Oklahoma State squad who loves to score points. Florida and Ohio State both find themselves in the top 10 strictly because they were the last teams any of us saw playing a real game. (if that's what Ohio State fans are still calling it.) Boise State also gets some love from the coaches and honestly i wouldn't be surprised if this team goes undefeated again...but they do have to replace their rag armed quarterback and some good skill position they have the fun and gun in the sun Hawaii squad that might just steal away the Wac title this year. honestly it's hard to really get too upset with this poll. no Miami and no Notre Dame is sort of weird but also is a welcome site. and seeing Michigan so far down means that the coaches actually paid attention to the ass kicking they got handed by USC in the Rose Bowl, unlike 90% of the media. all in all I'm getting more excited by the minute and don't know if i can really wait 24 more days for some college football action. but enough about my's the poll.

1. USC (45)
2. LSU (4)
3. Florida (9)
4. Texas
5. Michigan
6. West Virginia
7. Wisconsin
8. Oklahoma
9. Virginia Tech
10. Ohio State
11. Louisville
12. California
13. Georgia
14. Auburn
15. Tennessee
16. Rutgers
17. UCLA
18. Penn State
19. Nebraska
20. Arkansas
21. Florida State
22. TCU
23. Boise State
24. Hawaii
25. Texas A&M

All Time Home Run Record My Ass

Blah Blah Blah, Barry Bonds hit number 756 last this point i'm over it and just glad it's done with. but let's go ahead and call it like it is, Barry Bonds is NOT the All Time Home Run Champ...not until he passes Sadaharu Oh, whose 868 career blasts dwarf Bonds puny 756. here's a little background on Oh that i copied from the

"The greatest Japanese baseball player of all-time, Sadaharu Oh compiled a .301 lifetime average while setting records for home runs (868) and RBIs 1,967 and winning two consecutive triple crowns in 1973 and 1974. In 22 seasons, from 1959-80, he was a nine-time Most Valuable Player. Oh also holds the Japanese single-season home run record (55 in 1964).

Oh was famous for the unique batting stance, which was designed for him by Tokyo Giants’ hitting coach Hiroshi Arakawa in 1962. The Giants' hitting coach, Arakawa was also a swordsman of some repute. He taught Oh to hit using principles applied by swordsmen. It involved Oh raising his leg toward the plate but required tremendous practice and discipline to perfect.

Don’t forget that Japanese pitchers of Oh’s time didn’t throw as hard as U.S. major leaguers. That means Oh was generating more of his own power to propel the balls that far than he would have to against major league pitching.

Oh wasn’t blooping fly balls over short fences, either. 191 of Oh’s homers were hit 394 feet or more, which would have put them out over the fence in straightaway right in almost every major league park of Oh’s time, much less down the right field line. Another 286 were hit 361-393 feet, which means many to straightaway right would have gone out, and virtually all down the right field line would have been out of every major league park. Another 289 would have gone out of most major league parks if they had been pulled to the right field corner (361-393 feet). Only 102 were less than 328 feet, and even a few of those would have gone out down the right field line in some major league parks, like Yankee Stadium.

The dispute waged over what kind of success Oh would have had in the United States, but major leaguers who toured Japan for exhibition games in the '60s and '70s felt he would certainly have been a major star in the US, despite pitching that was likely much better here.

Oh ended his career with 868 homers in 22 seasons. Unlike Aaron, he became a big league manager, taking over his former team, the Giants when the 1980 season began. He continues to be one of the most influential and popular figures in Japanese baseball. In 2006 Oh solidified his legendary status by leading his Japanese national team to the first ever championship in The World Baseball Classic."

MOTHERFUCKER learned to hit homeruns from a Samurai! how fucking cool is that? So Barry you can have Hank's record...tainted or not you can't take enough fucking 'roids to pass a little Samurai trained homerun hitting machine like Oh.