Thursday, October 30, 2008

Suicide Watch, Week 10

is the season still going on? it is! fuck!

well Auburn is sitting at 4-4 right now staring down the barrel of a losing season with Ole Miss primed and ready to hand Auburn their 4th straight loss of the season. there really isn't a lot to say about this game. Ole Miss has a solid enough defense with a great pass rush and they have a legitimate college QB in Jevan Snead. Auburn doesn't know what it wants to be on offense. a classic running Auburn football team or some half-assed spreadtastic failure...against West Virginia they tried to be both. i think Noel Devine just scored another touchdown btw. fuck it. i don't expect Auburn to win this game, hell i don't expect them to win anymore fucking games the way they've played. it's hard to imagine that they've lead at halftime in every single game this year. maybe they should try a new strategy and let the Rebels jump out to an early lead and see if Auburn can play catch up better than they can maintaining a scoring advantage. i don't even wanna talk about this game. fuck it.

i don't even care anymore. when's the Bama game?

potential for tragedy: 10, we are so gonna get Nutted on. it's not even funny anymore.

method of suicide: bury your head in the sand and suffocate.

Auburn Dynasty Mode, Week 9

another Auburn loss that must be avenged in the virtual world. wtf?!?!

this was by far the closest game for my Tigers this season. West Virginia was able to shutdown my lethal passing attack holding Kodi Burns to just 8 of 23 passing with 161 yards 1 td and 2 ints. luckily the 1 touchdown pass i made was in the final seconds of the game to give Auburn a 29 to 24 victory. War Eagle indeed.

Rod Smith was the player of the game with 121 receiving yards and 2 touchdown receptions (including one from RB/WR, Mario Fannin). he snagged the game winning catch from Kodi Burns as the clock ran out. Auburn remains unbeaten and still in the national title chase.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

10 Fucking Years?!?

there are just certain things that make me feel old. like the fact that Tommy Tuberville has been at Auburn a decade. or the fact that i am 30. but i just realized about an hour or so ago that it's been ten fucking years since one of the greatest albums of the last 20 years came out. The Shape Of Punk To Come by the Refused. need a reminder? here's the video for "New Noise".

my thoughts on the matter are posted over here. mostly this has nothing to do with sports whatsoever, although i really always thought it would be much cooler if football teams i were rooting for would storm the field to this instead of a fucking P.O.D. song. seriously, Auburn, get some better music. Slayer, Mastadon, ANYTHING.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Have The Atlanta Falcons Become The Best Team I Root For?

so how come no one is talking about how the Falcons got totally fucked on that shitty muffed punt call at the end of the Eagles game? i mean ESPN talked about the goddan Chargers game where Culter fumbled the ball and it got called an incomplete pass for about 3 weeks. whatever.

it's strange, last year a loss like that would have meant nothing to me but now i really really wanna root for the Falcons. (probably has something to do with how shitty Auburn is). i don't know what it is, i mean i talked so much shit about Matt Ryan that i probably don't deserve to root for Atlanta this season. i will gladly admit i was wrong about the kid. he is like totally good and shit. and Michael Tuner?!?! best fucking move the Falcons have made in years. it's weird for me to say this, but I BELIEVE IN THE FALCONS...crazy. i think they are actually a good football team (i still see 7-9 for the season) and i think they are gonna be a playoff team next year and the year after that. maybe all that Vick bullshit was worth it in the long run.

I'm Not Saying He Should Get Fired...I'm Just Saying

10 years is a long time. 10 years ago i was too young to drink, i had a girlfriend who was still in highschool, i was really fucking into the hardcore punk scene, and Auburn football was a flaming pile of shit. i was mostly busy pretending like Auburn didn't exist that year to avoid the reality of a 3-8 season and our coach skipped down (aka was run out of town) in the middle of the season. it was a bad time to be an Auburn fan.

but then along came Tommy Tuberville and things began to turn back around. there was an SEC West title in 2000, and the amazing 2004 season, and then of course 6 straight wins over Alabama. but there's also a lot of disappointment in there too. 2001, 2003, and the let downs of 2006 and 2007...and now the most chaotic season since 1998 is rearing it's head.

i've been avoiding the issue but i feel like it's time to face the reality. this season has been a total disaster and it's pretty much all Tuberville's fault. Bama is back and in a big fucking way and from the looks of things we aren't going bowling this year. recruiting is likely to take a hit thanks to the firing of Tony Franklin and Auburn fans are pissed. people are calling for Tuberville's head but i don't think those poeple are really thinking about what could happen if we ditch our coach after one bad year. does the word Nebraska mean anything to you? i for one am not ready to send Tubs packing after a bad judgement call on the offensive direction. 6 wins over Bama earns you a do over. but FIRE TUBERVILLE is all i hear and see on the message boards. you fucking people are crazy.

that being said, if Butch Davis would like to come coach Auburn and use his recruiting magic to match Saban's then by all means fire Tuberville and make that man the coach. any coaching move other than that will be program suicide. so unless it's Davis, then we gotta stick with Tuberville. if this shit happens again next year...see you later dude and thanks for 2004.

Monday, October 27, 2008

College Football Pick Me, Week 10

Thursday October 30
5: MIAMI @ VIRGINIA- Virginia
11:COLORADO @ TEXAS A&M- Colorado

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The Painful Reality Of Being Vandy

oh Vanderbilt. why you gotta be so cruel to yourself? i should be laughing my ass off at your misfortune after you guys put the cherry on top of Auburn's 2008 Shit Sunday...but i can't take joy in your misfortune. i mean you are Vandy! i will always have love for you fucking nerds.

but losing to Duke?!?! at home?!?! when you knew that winning this game made you guys bowl eligible for the first time in decades?!?!?! WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?!?!?!?! seriously, starting 5-0 and beating South Carolina, Ole Miss, and Auburn had you guys on cloud nine and your fans believing that THIS WAS THE YEAR. but no! no, you have shown your true colors and begun the inevitable slide that will take your season to ANOTHER fucking 5-7 mark and no bowl. it's enough to make a grown man cry. you've got four games to make it happen. Florida? hahahaha. i know you are too smart for that. Kentucky?! this is about the best chance you are gonna get...but we all know it ain't happening. Tennessee? yeah the Vols fucking suck and their season is lost and their coach is so getting fired, but the Vols ARE NOT gonna be the win that gets you into a bowl. no way in hell. and then finally it's Wake Forest, yeah i seem to remember them kicking your ass over the last several years so i expect much of the same this year. and so it goes. a seven game losing streak and another season without a bowl and a nice little reminder that "this is why you are Vanderbilt".

what a cruel world we live in.

How The Fuck Do Sportswriters Even Rank Teams That Are This Shitty?!

i should just turn this into a top 15 list because there aren't even 25 good teams out there this season.

A Lifetime Of Defeats Top 25 Week 9

1. Texas
2. Alabama
3. Penn State
4. Florida
5. Georgia
6. Oklahoma
7. USC
8. Texas Tech
9. Oklahoma State
10. Utah
11. Boise State
12. TCU
13. Missouri
14. Ohio State
15. FSU
16. BYU
17. LSU
18. Ball State
19. Tulsa
20. West Fucking Virginia
21. Minnesota
22. Michigan State
23. Virginia
24. North Carolina
25. Maryland

-Texas stays on top, but Oklahoma State doesn't drop at all.
-USC slips down because they struggle with Arizona and the Gators and Dawgs move up after blowouts.
-Welcome back West Fucking Virginia. the beatdown of my Tigers has you back in the polls and also in the hunt for the Big East title.
-Minnesota...are you for real?
-the usual assortment of confusing ass ACC fucktards rounds out the top 25.

Friday, October 24, 2008

TV Party, Week 9 (i no longer enjoy this college football that you speak of)

Texas Tech @ Kansas, 12pm on ESPN

who likes scoring? i do! i do! who likes defense? boo!!!!! well kids, this is the game for you...although with all those balls getting flung around this game could last about 6 hours.

All Your National Title Dreams Are Now Over
Georgia @ LSU, 3:30pm on CBS

The Bulldogs travel down to Death Valley to take on the Tigers. let's see, what happened last time the Dawgs faced a team with a dominate offensive line and power running game and had a front seven that could get after the QB and shut down the run? for some reason i keep getting flashes of Alabama running rough shot on Georgia. i sorta see this same kind of thing happening again for the UGA against LSU...but then again, i am just a big fucking hater. it's hard not to hate when your team sucks as bad as mine does.

The Nail In The Coffin Game
Alabama @ Tennessee, 7:45pm on ESPN

i mean Fulmer is already fired as fuck. no doubt, but this is Bama's chance to go ahed and put that final nail in his coffin and shuffle his fat ass out the door. the lesson for everyone...don't be a snitch.

and i may very well watch some of the Penn State and Ohio State game...but not if i can help it.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

you some point you just have to just accept that your favorite team sucks and move on. i am honestly getting way too old for this kind of bullshit.

so Auburn does it again. they jump out to a lead then forget how to play offense and let the other team get ahead and then it's over. West Virginia gave Auburn the woodshed style asswhiping that they've been asking for all season last night...and i wish i could say i was hurt and angry, but honestly i quit watching the game at some point in the 3rd quarter because It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia came on and i felt that was a better way to spend my Thursday night.

at some point in the first quarter i had hope that maybe this was the game where Auburn turned their season around. when they took the 17-3 lead I KNEW this was the game where they were turning it around. Watch out Dawgs and Tide, Auburn football is back. when we recovered that onside kick i was sending out text messages that said, "West Virginia fucking sucks." and then i was immediately hit with reality when Auburn tried to run that stupid fucking reverse that ended in a huge loss and Auburn ended up punting which in turn resulted in West Virginia getting a touchdown. at that point i pretty much knew this game was over. after that the Mountaineers pretty much did what they like to do to big time schools...thug on their ass. blowout city. all your dreams are now officially crushed and i just started thinking about next year. the only positive i can take away is that Burns IS the QB that should have been playing all fucking year and he did about as much as you could ask from him. that being said, we are so getting our asses kicked by Ole Miss next weekend.

Bill Stewart should send Tuberville a fruit basket cuz he just helped save his fucking job.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I Mean They've Been Driving Me To Drink Anyways, Might As Well Have Some Fun With It

drinking games are stupid and for fratboys and other forms of retard...that being said i am unleashing A Lifetime Of Defeats' Auburn Spread Eagle Drinking Game for tonight's contest with West Fucking Virginia.

if Auburn comes out in the shotgun and runs the ball out of the shotgun on the first play for a gain of less than two yards...take a drink.

if Auburn stays in the goddamn shotgun on 2nd and 3rd down and picks up zero first downs and punts the ball then go ahead and finish off your first beer.

if Auburn's punter shanks the ball and West Virginia gets excellent field position for their first drive then go ahead and down another beer. you are in for a long night.

if Auburn comes out in their 2nd possession and remains in the shotgun and this results in another 3 and out then go ahead and open up the hard stuff and take a shot.

every three and out from her on out results in a shot...but be very very careful as this may result in your death.

if Kodi Burns overthrows a wide open receiver downfield that would have been a guaranteed touchdown...take a shot.

if Auburn's defense scores a touchdown before the offense manages to get a first down then take another drink.

if Auburn somehow can move the ball down and field and then Kodi Burns throws a drive killing interception go ahead and drink a beer...hell drink two.

if Ben Tate or Brad Lester are hit for a loss following a bad pitch from Burns on an option play kick your couch as hard as you can and then down three quick shots for the pain.

if any QB should come into the game at any point who is not Kodi Burns (or Mario Fannin taking a direct snap) then go ahead just drink heavily because playing this silly game isn't gonna change the fact that Auburn totally sucks at football and you are witnessing the end of everything.

if you need to puke at this point it has nothing to do with the booze. it's the offense.

if Auburn gets the ball on 1st and goal and runs 3 straight plays out of the shotgun for zero yards that results in a field goal attempt then take a my fucking head.

if Auburn's offense is held under 100 yards passing for the game then kill yourself...or better yet start rooting heavily for your favorite NFL team and pretend this silly little thing called college football doesn't even exist.

pray you don't have to work tomorrow as you will be in no shape for showing up to a job.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Big 12 vs. The SEC...who you got?


much has been said this year about the Big 12's place as the top conference in college football after pretty much crowning the SEC as champs of the conference wars with back-to-back national titles at the beginning of the year. and it's hard to argue with the fact that the Big 12 may have temporarily overtaken the SEC as top least for this season. they've got 4 teams in the AP top 10. they've got 3 or 4 QBs who are Heisman contenders. and they've got some of the best offenses in college football. The SEC on the other hand has the best defenses in college football, the returning Heisman winner, and 3 top 10 teams (with one other just peaking in from #11), and from top to bottom claims to be the most competitive conference in college football. likely both leagues will send between 7-9 teams to bowl games and both will send 2 schools to BCS bowl games. the possibility of a Big 12 vs. SEC national title is also very much alive with Texas and Alabama currently ranked 1 and 2. but even if the SEC or Big 12 team won that possible national title showdown it doesn't really answer the question of which league is deeper or better. and so let's pretend that at the end of the season we took all the schools in both conferences in a 12 on 12 football battle to lay claim to greatest football league in all the land. the following would be the possible matchups based on records and comparability of talent.

Texas vs. Alabama
the clash of the top two teams in the country. the Longhorns' offense vs. the Tide defense could make for an epic contest. but i think this game comes down to three words JOHN PARKER WILSON and if i had to bet the farm on McCoy vs. Wilson then i am going with McCoy. Texas wins.

Oklahoma vs. Georgia
Oklahoma's firepower vs. Georgia's balance. the Dawgs have got the stars to hang around with the Sooners and it would be awesome to watch a duel of this years likely top QB pick, Stafford vs next year's top pick, Bradford. i expect a highscoring game...but i give the edge to Georgia because of Oklahoma's recent trouble in bowl games. win for Georgia.

Missouri vs. Florida
two highpowered offenses lead by Heisman contender QBs. two awesome receivers in Harvin and Maclin trying to show one another up. no defense played whatsoever. Florida has too much speed and talent for Mizzou. the Gators roll for a victory.

Oklahoma State vs. LSU
Les Miles new team vs. his old team. Gundy would do his best to get the Cowboys fired up for this one, but there's no way that OK State can do to the LSU defense what they did to Mizzou. LSU BIG.

Texas Tech vs. South Carolina
The new master of the fun and gun vs. the guy who perfected it. Spurrier's team has the defense to shut down Mike Leach, but do they have the QB to match TD's if this thing turned into a scoring orgy? i give the slight edge to the Red Raiders...but don't be surprised if the Gamecocks pull this one off. Texas Tech wins a close one.

Kansas vs. Kentucky
the battle of the basketball schools who suddenly discovered they could play football too. last year's Kentucky team would have given Kansas a great matchup but this year's Jayhawks would have too much fire power for the Wildcats to handle. Win Kansas.

Nebraska vs. Tennessee
your once proud college football program is now a big fucking joke. sad. Tennessee has no offense. Nebraska has no defense. i see turnover city in this game, but somehow some way the Vols pull out the victory thanks to their defense.

Colorado vs. Arkansas
The Hawgs can't play any defense and are turnover machines on offense, but the Buffs just lack the playmakers. Arkansas wins a shootout.

Kansas State vs. Ole Miss
on paper Nutt's team has more talent...but if there is a more schizophrenic team in the country then i don't know who they are. Kansas State wins...but don't ask me how.

Baylor vs. Vanderbilt
the Nerd Bowl. Vandy was hot for a quick minute...but Baylor has got my favorite freshman QB in the nation in Robert Griffin. The Bears win on the legs and arm of Griffin.

Texas A&M vs. Auburn
Coach Tubs and the Tigers vs. that team that he supposedly was gonna leave Auburn for. this might actually be a team that Auburn can beat. might being the key word. Auburn wins a strange turnover filled disaster 3-0.

Iowa State vs. Mississippi State
Iowa State was Croomed the second they played this game. Mississippi State is terrible, but are they THAT terrible to lose to Iowa State? i give the Bulldogs the win.

in the end i give the SEC a 7-5 advantage and they keep their title as the country's best league...or maybe i am an idiot and have no idea what i am talking about.

Suicide Watch, Week 9

ah Thursday Night football. where ranked teams go to die. where dreams are shattered. where the Big East gets to pretend it's bigtime football.

what once looked like it would be a matchup of top 10 teams contending for a national title is now a matchup of two of the most disappointing teams in the 2008 College Football season just trying to salvage what's left of their seasons and get a quality win over another BCS conference opponent. West Virginia has been sabotaged by their One and Done head coach. Auburn has been wrecked by a failing offense and coaching staff turmoil. both schools are solidly off the national radar and only West Virginia has any legit shot at winning their conference. in reality this game probably means more for Auburn than it does for West Virginia (where as at the beginning of this season this game was HUGE for West Virginia in their hopes of making it to the BCS title game). either way both teams need a win and need to get their seasons turned around.

what once was a lethal offense lead by the ultimate spread QB, Pat White has turned into a comedy of errors in Morgantown. White has spent much of this season being pounded by the opposition and missing games. Auburn's defense (although banged up and nor nearly as ravenous as they were in week 1) is still the best one White and West Virginia is likely to face this season. Paul Rhodes, Auburn's defensive coordinator, famously ended West Virginia's national title chances when he was coaching Pitt's defense last season. it seems likely that he will employee much of the same game plan this year with a speedier Auburn team to neutralize White's running ability and take away WV's running game altogether.

as far as what Auburn can do on offense against the Mountaineer's D...who fucking knows? all we do know is that Kodi Burns will be Auburn's starting QB, if he finishes the game or gets yanked for Neal Caudle or freshman Barrett Trotter remains to be seen. will Auburn come out and run the ball like they did against Vanderbilt in the 1st quarter of that nightmare? i'd like to believe they will. are they gonna come out and run their halfassed spread-nothing offense that results in multiple 3 and outs, turnovers, and basically THE SADNESS in my heart...god, i hope not. i wanna believe in this Auburn team and i wanna believe that during the bye week they've figured out some things that work and will show up in Morgantown tomorrow night and NOT embarrass themselves on national TV....but hope is for fools, and i'm only a fool for the ladies.

potential for tragedy: 10, until Auburn beats someone then their chances of winning any games remain in doubt for me. there is no hope until hope returns.

method of suicide: remember that scene in Scanners where the dudes head blows up? well watching Auburn football this season may very well cause this to happen to you.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

R.I.P. Rudy Ray Moore

Dolemite kicked the bucket today kids. it's a sad day for fans of terrible blaxploitation movies, raunchy comedy records, and rap music.

give a honkey some rythm, Dolemite.

Who Got Them Heismans? Not Chase Daniel.

sorry Chase, but you went from the favorite to win the Heisman to no chance in hell in just two quick weeks. sucks for you dude. i believed in your midget ass. i really did. you get to join the list of other failed Heisman hopefuls like Pat White, Beanie Wells, and Knowshon Moreno (yeah Dawgs ain't happening). no it's all about Colt McCoy now. but honestly if there's one guy whose name deserves some Heisman mentions it's that mountain of a man on the defensive line for Alabama, Terrence Cody. no single player has made a bigger impact on his team this season than Cody. give the big boy some love Heisman voters.

Javon Ringer is also out of the race even if he is the top runningback in college football. Mark Sanchez gets love because he's the QB at USC and Tim Tebow is sneaking his way into the race. a win over Georgia will pretty much guarantee his trip to New York.

If you gave me a vote, my top 5 Heisman contenders would be.

1. Colt McCoy, QB Texas
2. Sam Bradford, QB Oklahoma
3. Mark Sanchez, QB USC
4. Terrence Cody, DT Alabama
5. Tim Tebow, QB Florida

Tubs Hasn't Had Any Strokes....yet

but he may very well be the death of my father and the thing that drives me back to watching baseball. but no strokes, no it's just your regular old brain damage that has resulted in this most boneheaded of choices made during the miserable 2008 season. i think i'd be more comfortable about the future of Auburn football if i felt like a stroke was responsible to this most amazing of starts. whatever.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I Had A Mostly Lousy and Boring Weekend

No Auburn Tigers. No Atlanta Falcons. And my fantasy team got blown the fuck out. i should have went out of town. instead i watched a bunch of football games that had outcomes i cared nothing about and then i went and saw W. on Sunday night. i need some better hobbies.

College Football Pick Em, Week 9

Thursday October 23
B:UGA @ LSU- 56 pts

Sunday, October 19, 2008


hahahahahahahahahahahaha! you got beat by a team that doesn't have any fans in a state where noone cares about baseball.

i really really hate Boston. probably more than any franchise in pro sports. even more than i used to hate the Yankees. thank christ the Rays won, i thought i was gonna have to root for the fucking Phillies in the World Series. now i can just not pay attention to it like a normal football fan.

It's 1978 All Over Again

A Lifetime Of Defeats Top 25 Week 8

1. Texas
2. Penn State
3. Alabama
4. USC
5. Florida
6. Oklahoma
7. Texas Tech
8. Georgia
9. Oklahoma State
10. Ohio State
11. LSU
12. Utah
13. Boise State
14. South Florida
15. TCU
16. Georgia Tech
17. Missouri
18. Pittsburgh
19. Boston College
20. BYU
21. Florida State
22. Kansas
23. Tulsa
24. Ball State
25. Vanderbilt

-i let Vandy hang around because they played Georgia really damn well and could have won that game.
-the usual ACC shitpile sort of rounds out the later part of my poll. who fucking wants to even win that league?
-TCU makes the biggest jump with their beatdown of BYU.
-i thought about making Penn State my number 1 team but i need to see them actually beat Ohio State before that happens.
-i don't believe in the sun.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Hey Our Overrated Former 5 Star Linebacker Is Out for The Year

Tray Blackmon/aka the Little Ball Of Hate/aka the most hyped defensive recruit of the Tuberville era, is done for the season. with the way this year has been going it seems fitting that our most overrated player is done for the year. honestly Josh Bynes has been a lot more solid than Blackmon in the middle this season and this doesn't exactly make me feel anything. Blackmon has so far lived up to NONE of his potential having spent the last 3 years missing chunks of the season with injury issues and serving suspensions. he's also really good at injuring his teammates during Spring Ball (just ask Fannin and former QB DeRon Furr). Blackmon has shown flashes of potential the last few seasons that he could be special, but he's also been highly inconsistent.

when i look at the Auburn team i see a list of guys who never measured up to those stars attached to their Rivals pages. and so here i am ready to unleash my top 10 most overrated players currently taking up scholarships on the 2008 Auburn Tigers.

1. Tray Blackmon LB- 5 Star Recruit with injury and charcter issues. lacks size to be a a big time NFL linebacker.
2. Lee Ziemba OT- 5 star. penalties. penalties. penalties. also a bit of a hothead.
3. Montez Billings WR- 4 Star. was supposed to replace Courtney Taylor as Auburn's go to guy. a sometimes starter who has been outshined by walk-on Rod Smith and 3 Star Robert Dunn (sorry apparently that was NO Stars. Dunn was a darkhorse for sure).
4. Neal Caudle QB- 4 star, currently the 3rd or 4th string QB. doubtful he will ever start a game for the Tigers.
5. Tim Hawthorne WR- 4 star recruit who has been largely a non-factor in his career.
6. Bart Eddins OL/DL- 4 star recruit...not even sure if he's even on the team anymore.
7. Chris Slaughter WR- 4 star recruit, mostly has played on punt returns. great size and speed has equaled zero big plays.
8. Terrell Zachery WR- 4 star recruit, you see a pattern here? with all the damn four star wideouts on this team you'd imagine ONE of them would be worth a shit. not so much.
9. Mike Berry OL- 4 star recruit, has been mostly a backup.
10. Bailey Woods TE- 4 star, apparently was moved to long snapper. jesus.

i'm keeping Kodi Burns off this list because i chalk his failures up to bad coaching and not being given a chance to show what he can do. honestly that could be said about a lot of these guys.

TV Party, Week 8 (Thank God For No Auburn Game)

Being Ranked Was Fun While It Lasted
Vanderbilt @ Georgia, 12:30pm on MyATL TV

coming off their Crooming last week the 'Dores roll into Athens having been a thorn in Georgia's side the last two seasons with an upset win in Athens 2 years ago and a near win again last season. if Vandy can pull off another upset vs. UGA then i'm pretty sure you can go ahead and crown them SEC East champions...or not, regardless i don't expect a blowout. Georgia is insanely more talented than Vanderbilt, but Vandy likes to create turnovers and Mr. Stafford has been known to throw a pick or two in his day. i'm thinking this game is gonna be something of the 20-14 vareity with the Dawgs coming out on top.

Fear The Nutt
Ole' Miss @ Alabama, 3:30pm on CBS

The Dark Lord Saban has his team marching on the SEC like those Big Ass elephant things in Lord of the Rings, just trampling motherfuckers (unless your name is Kentucky)...but heading into Mordor is Boss Hawg (aka Houston Nutt) and his team of overachieving Mississippi retards. Could this be the week that the dreams of a 76th National Title for the Tide get Nutted on?

Hey Who Likes Defense? Not Me! Well I Have A Game For You.
Missouri @ Texas, 8pm on ABC

Colt McCoy vs. Chase Daniel in the battle of college QBs who will never take a fucking snap in the NFL but still might win Heismans. the final score of this game might make my Playstation weep.

Suicide Watch (2008) Bye Week

well if there's one positive thing i can say about Auburn football is that they can't lose any games this week. and i'll take that as a moral victory. this bye week is a welcome one for my mental state, especially after witnessing first hand the Spread Eagle Clusterfuck 2008.

and so the Tigers find themselves with more than half the season under their belt at 4-3 and with very little hope from here on out at getting wins. sure there's the homecoming gimme and maybe just maybe a victory against Ole' Miss (not likely) and then of course the duel ass whippings to close out the year against the Dawgs and the Tide...and so Auburn's next opponent West Virginia (aka Another of the Disappointing Teams of 2008) might be Auburn's last chance at getting a win against a Division I school. but that might be a false hope that i am carrying inside.

regardless...someone made this youtube video comparing Bobby Lowder To Hitler.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Lionel Richie Looking QB Is Big Time Now

Check out Jason Campbell's Geico commercial.

There's A World Cup Of American Football?

File This Under: Shit I Didn't Know Existed.

so in one of my moments of random internet searching (that wasn't related to porn) i made the strange discovery that something called the IFAF (aka the International Federation of American Football) exists and they have a World Cup Of American Football. apparently it's been around since 1998 and they held the first World Cup in 1999. Japan won the first two championships (apparently they've been playing football in Japan since the 30s?!?) but that's largely because the United States didn't take part in either of those. in 2007 the Americans fielded their first ever international team and beat South Korea 77-0 and Germany 33-7 before they won the World Cup title in overtime vs. Japan (23-20). the US team was selected from Seniors that had graduated in 2006 and had no pro experience and unless you are a fan of the schools these guys went to you've probably never heard of most of them. i was familiar with former TCU QB Jeff Ballard, Toledo WR Steve Odom, and Iowa State WR Austin Flynn. Kyle Kasperbauer a RB from little ass Nebraska-Omaha won the MVP trophy of the tournament.

anyways, i just found this to be interesting. i don't know why ESPN65 wasn't airing any of these games and it got zero press. i mean shitty football is still football. and when you slap a TEAM USA sticker on the helmet it should probably get a little love. so here's to you TEAM USA 2007...a year later. Way to go and shit.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

So Am I Supposed To Be Excited About Barrett Trotter, or Something?

is this supposed to give me hope? really? i'm sorry but thinking that a 3 star QB whose best offer other than Auburn was Troy is gonna come in a save the season is retarded. just make Burns the man from here on out and figure out the QB thing in the offseason. STOP THE QB MUSICAL CHAIRS GAME TUBS!!!! IT HAS BEEN FUCKING AUBURN ALL SEASON AND IT'S NOT GONNA STOP NOW WITH SOME FRESHMAN KID!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what are we, Mississippi State?!

if you are looking for me i'll be in the corner crying and staring longingly at my picture of Brandon Cox.

here's some Barrett Trotter youtube footage from highschool. whatever. i'm too depressed to care anymore.

Schedule of Doom 2009

JCCW has got the 2009 Auburn schedule posted. i have my predictions in the comment box. 8-4 looks about right...that is if Auburn's sorta spread/whole lotta suck offense has figured out it's ass from a whole in the ground between now and next fall...and if Georgia loses Knowshon and Stafford to the NFL meatgrinder...if not then it could be 7-5 and fire the coach followed by a half decade of pain and misery and before you realize it you're 35 and you hate football because it brings you no joy in life. hopefully The Falcons just totally rule the next few years and i won't even notice that Auburn has become the Nebraska of the SEC.

in other related Auburness i'm probably about 1 comment away from getting banned over at Track Em Tigers for my liberal use of the word FUCK. so i guess i need to keep my torrette's fueled outbursts about the shitty motherfucking state of Auburn motherfucking Football in the goddamn year of 2008 inside these motherfucking walls. shit fuck shit.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Fact That My Team Won Last Night Is Proof That Fantasy Football Is Just Some Bullshit

The Thug Apologists scored a whopping 67 points...which was the 2nd lowest points total for the week in our entire league....and yet we STILL WON THE FUCKING GAME. Fantasy football is just some bullshit that you get lucky with, their is no fucking skill involved. sure it helps if you aren't a complete idiot and actually watch football, but overall it's just a fucking crapshoot and anyone who believes otherwise is either a dumbass or a douchebag...or both. so anyways we are 3-3 and in a 6 way tie for 3rd place, which should tell you all you need to know about our league. unfortunately we are about to be completely, totally, and utterly fucked since Romo is out for the next month with a broken finger. i mean i picked up Chad Pennington this morning. CHAD FUCKING PENNINGTON! sure, he's played okay and all, but seriously without the Romo to T.O. connection the Thugs are looking pretty bad, especially when we've got a running back trio of Warrick Dunn, Lil' Stevie Slaton, and Jamal Lewis. why didn't we just draft Michael Turner?!?! i even picked up Brad Johnson out of desperation....FUCK!!

Romo, you fucking pussy. i hate you. it's Favre's team now. dear god, we are screwed.

Auburn Dynasty Mode, Week 7

sometimes i wish that i sucked more at NCAA Football and Auburn was better at it. i'm still in shock over how poorly Auburn played against Arkansas last Saturday despite the countless number of turnovers and chances Auburn had to win the game...the only way to erase such a loss was to go and play that game in my Dynasty Mode the way i'd wished it would have happened.

and so it was. My Auburn Dynasty mode team is ranked #9 in the country...leads the nation in scoring defense, sacks, and yards rushing against. the Blitzkrieg offense leads in total yards, touchdowns, and points per game. today against the Hawgs these numbers would hold up well.

after scoring in the 1st quarter to jump to a 7 to 0 lead, the Hawgs never once even got a first down for the rest of the game as Auburn rolled to 77 unanswered points. this was the first game of the year where both the ground and air attack really got underway as Auburn rolled up 622 yards of total offense...343 of those were rushing. Kodi Burns was the star of the show with 279 yards passing and 3 tds (1 int.) and 73 yards and 2 tds rushing. Ben Tate added another 109 yards rushing with a 12.1 yards per carry average. Brad Lester chipped in another 53. Tristin Davis had 67 yards and a touchdown (with a 22.3 yards per carry avg.) and Mario Fannin got 26 yards rushing one direct snaps at QB and a td with another 94 yards receiving and a touchdown.

as per usual the defense owned Arkansas. nailing Casey Dick for 7 sacks and causing 3 of those Zac Etheridge picked up and ran in for an 87 yard touchdown. Mike Smith was held to 0 yards rushing on 11 carries. Casey Dick finished the day with 75 yards passing 1 touchdown and 1 int. and yes 7 SACKS and left the game in the 4th quarter with a broken hand. that's what he gets for catching touchdowns against Auburn in the real world.

all in all this is the ass beating that i had wished that Auburn could have put on fucking Petrino....oh well. 77-7 is pretty sweet. in reality Auburn may suck, but my video game Tigers are fucking unstoppable.

after the game Auburn received another commitment from a 4 star linebacker and a 4 star safety. Kodi Burns also shot up to number 1 in the Heisman voting just ahead of Michael Crabtree and Tim Tebow.

Monday, October 13, 2008

College Football Pick Em, Week 8

Thursday October 16
7:WISCONSIN @ IOWA- Wisconsin
16:MIAMI @ DUKE- Miami
17:STANFORD @ UCLA- Stanford

Tommy Bowden is fired....finally

hey, that only took about 5 years longer than it should have. Clemson's QB, Cullen Harper said "he got what he deserved." ouch.

All This Victory Is Making Me Forget My Life Sucks

after the miserable fucking Saturday i had, i needed a game like that from my Falcons. but goddamn boys, could you have done it with a little less heart attack causing drama?

Elam! you go from goat to god in minutes. amazing.

and Fucknuts McWhitey!!!! you might actually be worth a shit after all. i might even start calling you by your given name...i will not call you Matty Ice though. ever. i don't care if you win us a Super Bowl. it's never gonna happen. not bad for a pair of shoes.


Fantasy DEATH hath just been handed forth to me from the angry gods on NFL injuries.

Tony Romo is out four 4 weeks with a broken finger.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

who the hell is the Cowboys' backup?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Auburn sucks....and yet the season goes on

A Lifetime Of Defeats Top 25 Week 7

1. Texas
2. Alabama
3. Penn State
4. USC
5. Texas Tech
6. Florida
7. Georgia
8. BYU
9. Oklahoma
10. Ohio State
11. Oklahoma State
12. LSU
13. Utah
14. Boise State
15. Missouri
16. Virginia Tech
17. North Carolina
18. South Florida
19. Kansas
20. Wake Forest
21. Michigan State
22. California
23. Vanderbilt
24. Pittsburgh
25. Georgia Tech

-Vandy gets Croomed! welcome to the top of the SEC shitpile.

Casey Fucking Dick

in football, as in life, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose...and sometimes Casey Dick catches a touchdown pass.
oh yeah....THAT! JUST! HAPPENED!!!

since 1987 Auburn had never lost a game that i attended at Jordan-Hare stadium. granted they got a scare one time at home coming for Louisiana Tech...but still they pulled out the win. well now that streak is over.

sitting in the stands last night as i watched whatever life was left in the 2008 Auburn Tigers get sucked out of their bodies my mind started to drift. i thought of a simpler time when i was a little boy and i only watched a couple of Auburn games a year and wasn't really aware of what Auburn's win-loss record was and only knew that i wanted them to beat Georgia and beat Alabama...i miss those times. i have no energy in me to break down what went on during that miserable game. i have nothing to say about the Auburn QB musical chairs game other than STOP THIS MADNESS! i have no thoughts on Auburn's inability to tackle midget runningbacks or leave wide receivers wide open in the middle of the field on 3rd and long situation. i can't even summon the strength to rail on about the inability of our own receivers to catch balls that hit them in the i have nothing to say. last night it just all came crashing down for me. i will continue to watch whenever Auburn is on tv.i will still root hard for my Tigers. i will try my best to have some hope...but you know and i know that the misery isn't stopping here with a loss to the worst team in the SEC. no the there is a train coming and it's coming down on us fast.

Friday, October 10, 2008

TV Party, Week 7 (Ain't No TV for Me)

TV PARTY IS CANCELLED!...on the fact that i'll be leaving Athens, GA tomorrow and escaping the UGA/Tennessee Redneckathon and instead will be traveling to the Loveliest Village with my old man for the Auburn/Arkansas game. it'll be my first live game of the season and my first game at Auburn in 2 years. so while you are at home or at the bar enjoying the Red River Shootout (i hope Texas beats Oklahoma, even if they do keep stealing our coordinators) i'll be in the car trying to find a game to listen to on the radio.

i'm expecting a high level of anxiety from my fellow Auburn fans, but hopefully the booing will be at a minimum. if you are inclined to boo than Joe Crib's Car Wash has some thoughts for you. with any luck we'll see lots of Mario Fannin and Ben Tate tearing it up from the backfield with Kodi Burns behind center finally getting a chance to show why he was supposed to be the future of this team. all in all, i really just wanna see a win. this last week has been depressing enough for me (and not just football), to have it capped off with an embarrassing loss to a mediocre Arkansas team would be enough to drive me insane.

so if you see this Sad Bastard of an Auburn fan at the game tomorrow be sure to say hello.

ULTRA Suicide Watch (2008), Week 7

so i guess i picked a pretty good week to go watch an Auburn game in person.

not since Auburn opened the 2003 season with back to back losses has the Auburn nation been this collectively devastated...well getting screwed out of the 2004 BCS title pissed everyone off for sure, but there hasn't been this much overwhelming PANIC since 03 for sure. you remember that was the year of Jetgate and Tuberville's almost firing to be replaced by one Bobby why is that relevant? oh yeah cuz it's 5 years later and Petrino is returning to Auburn as the coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks right in the middle of a disastrous season for the Tigers.

Auburn has fired their offensive coordinator in the middle of the week and we are left with a thinktank of Tub's loyal assistants running the show...the same guys who made 03 such a fucking disaster. worst of all we are apparently "sticking with the spread" although none of those coaches seem to understand it. AWESOME! i'll believe Auburn is gonna run 4 receiver sets and the read option for 1.4 yards a carry when i see it. even if we don't have a solid fullback, i expect to see RUNNING RUNNING AND MORE RUNNING. i mean the team moved Mario Fannin back to running back this week when he's been their 2nd best playmaker at receiver behind Robert Dunn. would it make a lot of since to do that if Auburn wasn't planning to play smash mouth football this week? probably not. oh yeah, and nobody seems to know who the QB is gonna be...the erratic Kodi Burns or the noodle armed Chris Todd. fuck it, why not throw Neal Caudle into the mix? he was a 4 star recruit. but still the question remain...where do we go from here? Franklin is out after 10 months on the job, Auburn has no offensive coordinator to speak of and a loaded recruiting class full of guys hand picked by Tony Franklin to air it out. and oh yeah, don't forget about the Tide's sudden rise to the top of the football world, i can't pretend that all this anxiety on the Plains hasn't been caused by the way Alabama has manhandled Clemson and Georgia.

Arkansas sucks. like a lot. like it's possible that they are the worse team in the SEC...worse even than Mississippi State. it's crazy what happens to a team that loses two first round draft picks out of their backfield. regardless of that fact, you know that nothing would make Petrino's season than to go into Auburn during the middle of all this turmoil and throw some more dirt onto the 08 Season's Grave. and with the way the Auburn offense has struggled to score points all season long it seems pretty likely that the Hawgs have a chance to hand Auburn their 3rd loss of the season. one can only hope that we are gonna see a full on commitment to the run this week against a team that can't seem to stop it. and not any of this coming out and running the ball in the first half and then abandoning it for 3 and outs and PUNTAPALOOZA. if Auburn can stick with the run and dish out a healthy dose of Ben Tate, Mario Fannin, and Brad Lester then we might actually be able to get this train back onto the least for a week anyways.

but regardless it's a pretty shitty week to be an Auburn fan. we just lost to Vanderbilt, we fired our new offensive coordinator who was supposed to bring Auburn football into the future, and we're hosting that backstabbing scumfuck Bobby Petrino. a loss right here would pretty much kill any and all chance at salvaging this season.

potential for tragedy: 10, from here on out and until i see some glimmer of hope everything is a fucking 10.

method of suicide: drink the kool aid. we all did, so we shouldn't be surprised that it was poisoned.

The Internet Rumor Mill

so this is a mass email that got sent out to a lot of folks that found it's way to a lot of Auburn inboxes. as with anything you get forwarded to you in the interweb you gotta take it with a grain of salt...that being said this is a apparently the "real" story of what went down on Wednesday that got Tony Franklin fired.

Alright here is as much as I know from my sources…these aren't the
fake sources you hear people refer to on the radio. Tuesday morning
at practice Franklin went nuts, beyond what you read in the paper,
not only was he running around like a nut on the practice field but
he would not allow any of the assistants to coach their positions, he
was trying to do everything. In the offensive meeting that same day
he really goes crazy a$$ nuts (a good friend of Franklin's said he
thinks Tony just lost it, like needs to go talk to somebody lost it),
he starts cussing out the players…in particular he calls Kodi Burns
out in front of everyone and says "Burns if you were worth a sh*t
you'd be playing, but your not!" He apparently became so hostile to a
particular lineman that he and the lineman were restrained. When this
occurs one of the assistant coaches tells him to calm down and
Franklin says "Fk you! Go tell Tubs, I don't give a fk what he says,
this is my offense!"

All of this is occurring while Tubs is in his CEO bubble…doing his
press conference other duties. When the assistants make Tub aware of
what took place at practice Tubs calls Franklin and tells him to meet
him first thing Wednesday morning in his office. Wednesday morning
Tubs tells Franklin he understands the stress but he will not
tolerate talking to the players on a personal level like that.
Franklin raises his voice to Tubs questioning how he runs the
program…Tubs then tells him to go to his office, get his stuff and
get lost.

You might interpret this as a save face for Tubs version of the story
but most of this came from a players Dad (the lineman that almost
came to blows with Franklin) and a coach who is a good, good friend
of Franklins. His last statement to me was…"This is all on Tubs, I
told him last year that while Franklin is a good friend he should not
hire him…there was no way he was going to be able to work with that

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Auburn Dynasty Mode, Week 6

if only Tony Franklin could get his offense to perform like i have then he probably wouldn't have been fired.

Kodi Burns and Mario Fannin were the stars of this game as Kodi lit up Vandy for 5 passing touchdowns and 2 rushing scores. finishing the game with 456 yards in the air and 76 on the ground. Fannin hauled in 5 catches for 113 yards and 2 touchdowns and also scored a rushing score on a direct snap while at QB. Robert Dunn returned a punt for a touchdown as well as scoring on Kodi's 5th passing TD of the day. Rod Smith had 97 yards and a touchdown. Montez Billings added 85 yards and a td of his own. the ground game was mostly non-existent as i was having too much fun airing it out. Ben Tate had 56 yards and a touchdown for himself. Brad Lester had another 26 yards rushing.

the defense did it's thing. sacking Chris Nickson 3 times and knocking him out for the rest of the season and then taking the chance to show his backup Makenzie Adams what it should have been like and sacking him twice and hauling in 2 interceptions and blocking a field goal attempt. this one was a slaughter from the word go. final score 63 to 13. War Eagle and all that shit. looks like i get to keep my job as the Auburn offensive coordinator for another week. Spread Eagle still a go in the video game world.

After the game Auburn landed it's first two recruits of the season. a 4 star wide receiver from Mississippi with 4.24 speed and a pass catching tight end from Ohio with good size 6 foot 6, 255 pounds and 4.51 speed. Auburn also finds itself ranked #9 in the nation and QB Kodi Burns has jumped into the Heisman race after his big time performance and ranks 3rd in the computers season-long Heisman voting.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Well That Didn't Take Long

Tony Franklin is FIRED!

i'm not sure if i should be happy or in full on panic mode. not sure what this means for Auburn's future running the spread or what will become of their 2009 recruiting class (let's hope we can hold on to Raymond Cotton.) here's Tuberville's quote.
"After evaluating where we are at this point of the season offensively, I felt it was in the best interest of the Auburn football program to make this change," Tuberville said. "I'm not satisfied with where we are and I am personally going to take a larger role with the offense the remainder of the season. We are going to work harder than ever to make sure we consistently improve as we move forward."
...which probably means we are gonna see the I formation and RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING.

so what does this mean for the rest of the season? is Kodi Burns going to be the QB now? is Chris Todd gonna transfer to a Division II school? Are we gonna run the wishbone? is Al Borges coming back to fix this mess? is Pat Nix on Auburn's radar? crazy times are going on at Auburn. CRAZY MOTHERFUCKING TIMES!

in less exciting news, Mario Fannin is being moved back to Running Back. which is pretty awesome. let's hope it's because they are gonna be running the fucking ball like crazy from here on out and needed everyone they could spare.