Monday, June 1, 2009

My Favorite Vampire Movies Ever

Football is dead, the Braves suck, and there's no basketball tonight...a great time for a useless list.

So I just watched season 1 of True Blood over the weekend...which I didn't think was nearly as awesome as everyone says it is, but still thought it was pretty entertaining...I mean it does have the winning combo of vampires and tits, so what's not to love?

I also read the horrifying news that some jerkoffs that own the rights to the original Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie are going to do a Buffy "reboot" (fuck you Hollywood buzzword!) despite the fact that you know, there was a super awesome television show that was far more popular than the movie that lasted for 7 fucking seasons! Even worse is that they are doing it without Joss Whedon the movie/show's creator or Sara Michelle Geller. What the fuck ever! Ain't no Buffy nerds gonna go see some piece of shit remake of a Kristy Swanson and Luke Perry movie (trivia note: Ben Afleck is an extra during the basketball game scene). I blame that fucking Twighlight bullshit...which I realized after watching the MTV movie awards last night (no I don't know why I was watching it) has become the new Titanic...if Titanic wasn't a highly successful Oscar movie and was instead some lameass shit about pussy vampires who shimmer in the sun and don't eat people cuz eating people is bad! What?!? this is what you get when some nerdy Mormon girl writes a book about vampires that is really just a metaphor for abstinence.

Anyways here are my top 20 favorite vampire movies of all time.

1. Let the Right One In

A beautifully made film about a little boy who befriends a vampire trapped inside the body of a little girl. The first ever swedish coming of age child romance vampire 2nd favorite movie of 2008. Sadly an american remake is in the works...but JJ Abrams is behind it so hopefully it won't suck (lame ass pun def not intended).

2. Lost Boys

The greatest teenage vampire action comedy of all time starring Keifer's awesome mullet. NEVER watch the straight to video sequel!

3. 30 Days Of Night

This is a totally underrated vampire flick. A small Alaskan town gets overrun by a group of vampires during a month of total darkness as the towns people must try and hide and survive until the sun comes up and saves them.

4. Fright Night

a teenager realizes his new neighbor is actually a vampire and noone believes him so he takes it upon himself (with the help of the star of his favorite vampire movie) to kill the vampire.

5. Martin

Romero's film about a teenage boy who claims to be an 80 year old creature of the night living with his uncle in Pittsburgh. One of the better/more realistic takes on the genre.

6. Bram Stroker's Dracula

Frances Ford Coppola's visually stunning version of the classic Dracula story with Gary Oldman as the Count.

7. From Dusk Till Dawn

Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez put together this over the top road movie crime thriller that morphs into ultra gory shoot out at a vampire strip club. Totally awesome!

8. Blade

Wesley Snipes kicks a lot of vampire ass in this movie based of the Marvel comic book character who is a half vampire half human "Daywalker".

9. Underworld

Vampires vs Werewolves with Kate Beckinsale in a hotass tight rubber suit...what's not to love?

10. The Addiction

Black and white indie film the compares being a vampire to drug addiction. Christoper Walken as a vampire...nuff said.

11. Vampire Hunter D

My favorite anime of all time. Set in the distant future where vampires rule the earth a mysterious vampire slayer shows up and must save a beautiful girl from the evil count who is attempting to enslave her.

12. Near Dark

The darkly comic and gory vampire road movie about a "family" of vampires cruising around the American west in a RV killing everything in site...not nearly as awesome as I remembered it being, but Bill Pulman is totally rad as a sadistic vampire, plus the bar scene still rules pretty hard.

13. Nosferatu the Vampyre

Werner Herzog's remake of the classic silent film with Klaus Kinski as the count.

14. The Monster Squad

One of my favorite kids movies ever. a group of young teens must battle Dracula an his horde of classic monsters. Kinda like if the Goonies fought Vampires.

15. Shadow Of the Vampire

A movie about the original Nosferatu movie the imagines that the film's star actually WAS a real vampire.

16. Dracula

Bela Lugosi in the black and white classic as the legendary count.

17. The Hunger

David Bowie as a vampire who suddenly begins aging it's got a pretty hot sex scene.

18. Salem's Lot

Miniseries based on the Stephen King story. This movie scared the fuck out of me as a kid. Another film that id fully support a more gruesome and hard edged remake...cuz that shitty 2004 version tv movie ain't cutting it. On a side note, is their an author who understands less what it takes to turn his horror stories into good horror movies than Stephen King? I mean he hates the Kubrick version of The Shining and prefers the crappy made for tv miniseries he did?! Whatever dude. Unless the miniseries is being made for HBO of Showtime then I don't wanna have anything to do with it.

19. Interview With a Vampire

This is a movie that hasn't aged the well...but I can't lie, I enjoyed it when it came out. The movie version of Anne Rice's novel with Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise in the leads. It asks the question what if being turned into a vampire turned you gay? Kidding of course.

20. Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Yeah this movie kinda sucks but it'll always have a special place in my heart because it eventually lead to the creation of one of my all time favorite tv Kristy Swanson is totally hot, Pee Wee Herman is hilarious as Rutger Hauer's 1 armed lackey, Donald Sutherland is rad, and actually this is a pretty enjoyable teen horror comedy.

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