Monday, August 18, 2008

Where'd All This Patriotism Come From Anyways?

can you picture me standing on top of my couch screaming "go motherfucker! go!", my dogs flipping out and barking at me like an intruder was in the house, while the men's relay team tried to put a cap on Michael Phelps' (aka Swimbot 5000) quest for an 8th Gold Medal? well it happened. and things like that have been happening a lot this last week.

so after talking massive amounts of shit about how irrelevant the Olympics are and making fun of all the people i work with who were excited about them i have ended up watching nearly every second of the fucking games that i can. Swimming (of course), men's basketball (when I'm up early enough), track (when are college football team's gonna start recruiting those damn Jamaicans to come play receiver or corner), and women's volleyball (beach and regular aka bikinis vs. booty shorts) are the obvious ones, but I've been also been watching ping pong, boxing, water polo, soccer, and even fucking gymnastics. hell i watched rowing yesterday. this is the most i've paid attention to the games since they were in Atlanta and then i just sort of did it out of obligation. this is the most i've actually cared about the Olympics since i 1988.

anyways with that being said i think it's time to acknowledge how fucking excited i have been about watching Swimbot 5000 destroy the record books. Michael Phelps is a robot sent from the future to collect the world's gold and make Americans feel good about themselves for a few weeks while our world crumbles around us. and for that i salute him. sure he's a goofy lookin' motherfucker with the abs of a god and he's causing American men to feel bad about their bodies like our girlfriends do when they look at Vogue, but it's a small price to pay for such old fashioned American dominance. i don't care if everyone forgets about him in a month, he fucking rules and all those douchebags on sports talk radio who are trying to say that what he did isn't that big of a deal can all go eat a bag of dicks. i'm as jaded as a sports fan can be and i will admit that watching Phelps kick everyone's ass has been the most fun i've had watching sports in a long time. i hope he bangs as many models, actresses, and strippers as he possibly can because after that performance last week he deserves it.

thanks for making us be proud to be Ameircans...even if it was just for a few moments. now here's some Lee Greenwood and a laser show for your ass.

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