Monday, August 18, 2008

There Can Only Be One

so last year was quiet possibly the most bizzare one in college football history, it was at least the most strange since 1990 when Georgia Tech and Colorado split the polls. one would assume that 2008 will be a return to rationality and the powers that be using the system to crown a less controversial championship. oh, how easy would it be to just take the winners of the Florida/Georgia and Ohio State/USC matchups and have them face one another in Miami? too damn easy...aka that's not gonna happen. nope, the evil football gremlins who are giving USC jock itch and filling Georgia players full of booze so that they act a fool and get arrested will more than likely be at it again this season.

so let's break down how each AP Pre-season top 10 team is likely to fuck up their chances of winning the 2008 National Title.

1. Georgia

Oh Georgia. you happy bastards. sitting pretty like a drunk sorority girl on top of both the AP and Coaches poll. Knowshon is on the cover of ESPN magazine. Sports Illustrated picked you to win it all (never a good thing, btw). but things have been going iffy for the Dawgs. first Uga died, then a collection of your players found themselves with mugshots thanks to a case of the Drankin' and Fightin' and Vandalizin'. then your star left tackle's knee decided to try and make your offensive line situation more interesting. and so your reign on top appears to be shorter than leprechauns..especially with a Sept 17th match up of the teams residing at number 2 and 3 coming up soon enough. then there's that notoriously tough schedule you've got that includes 3 top 10 teams (LSU, Florida, Auburn). all of them away from home and then don't forget about that trip out west to visit Arizona State...which i fully expect Georgia to win easily, but never underestimate a long road trip to start the year. weird shit happens out in the desert. you start seeing things. mirages of national titles you thought you were gonna win and then the Sun Devils hand you an over time loss and you're fucked forever. also don't go forgettin' about those Push-Pop Orange wearing sons of bitches from Tennessee who know a thing or two about kicking Georgia's ass. yeah it's a pretty rough ride for those Dawgs. i don't know if they've got enough Soulja Boys and Black Outs in 'em to navigate through that gauntlet. better luck next year.

2. Ohio St.

Hi, you're Ohio State. you've appeared in 3 BCS title games this decade. one of them you got lucky and beat a way better Miami team with help from your soon to be jailbound freshman runningback. the next 2 times you dropped some series shit in your pants against a couple of SEC teams with chips on their shoulders. the whole of the college football universe hates your guts and thinks you're the product of media bias and a soft conference. congratulations though, you've decided to step out of your box and play another big boy by the name of USC to start your year. unfortunately said school likes nothing more than feasting on the living bodies of out of conference BSC foes to boost their profile and power rankings at the start of every year. having your bodies grinded up and the bones spit out for all the see on national television will likely leave a sour taste in the mouth of most voters. and just like nobody wants to see a sequel to the Cold War with Russia (Cold War II: Nuclear Boogaloo), we'd all rather not see your ass getting drug up and down the field in another damn title game. have fun dominating your lousy conference and going to the Rose Bowl. it's all you silly Big 10ers seem to care about anyways.

3. Southern Cal

Southern California. The Men Of Troy. Win Forever. The Dominate Force of the 21st Century in the world of College Football. you've got more blue chip recruits than the rest of the Pac 10 teams combined...and yet every year lately you seem to lose inexplicable games to the likes of Oregon State, UCLA, and Stanford that leave you sitting at home watching the BCS title instead of taking back what is rightfully yours. this year you've got a high profile gig with those silly Buckeyes. aren't they cute when they try and matchup with someone not in the Big 10 and MAC? you'll have your way with their women and children, but who is lurking for you in the jungle? Charlie is out there in the shit man! he never sleeps! he drinks viper piss and asks for more! and he's waiting for you to stroll in all lazy eyed and ready for an upset. could be those no luck having Huskies up in Washington. nobody ever suspects them or what about that damn Arizona team? they always pull an unbelievable upset out of their asses that keeps their head coach around another year too long. that's the problem with Charlie, man. you never know when that sneaky little fucker is gonna strike.

4. Oklahoma

on paper Oklahoma appears to be one of the best teams in the entire country. mammoth offensive line anchored by a surefire 1st round left tackle: check. game breaking running back: check. a solid young QB: check. a talented defense full of soon to be NFLers: check. you own your chief rival Texas in the way that Florida has owned Georgia the past 2 decades. and yet who could trust you in a BCS game. your failures are the stuff of legend. if the Buckeyes actually can make it to the BCS title game again, i'm sure they'll be praying that they will run into you.

5. Florida

so you're the Florida Gators. you've got one of best offenses in all the land. you're quarterbacked by the reigning Heisman trophy winner, Tim Tebow (the young Superman. the baby rhino. the human battery ram. jesus is my quarterback). and yet your defense is prone to bursting into flames against teams at any time. can you outscore every opponent you play 50-45? is Tebow gonna carry the ball 8 billion and 1 times again? luckily you don't have to play Auburn this year and you get LSU at home. but with a secondary like that i'd put your chances against a team with even the the most simple of passing attacks as shaky at best.

6. Missouri

Missouri is like the new kid who moves into town during the middle of the school year. everyone's really nice to you at first and invites you over to spend the night but you never let anyone ever see your house and your clothes are all hand me downs. i heard your older brother was in jail for selling meth, maybe it's just a rumor but everyone believes it. then you move away during the summer and noone ever thinks about you again. maybe your dad is in the army. sucks for you. you were the feel good story of 2007. you've got a good QB, a play making receiver, and an NFL caliber tight end. but i think much of your 07 season was the product of an easy schedule and noone expecting you to be any good. sure i think you could pull another 10 wins out of your ass with the offense you've got. but would anyone really be surprised if you guys only won 8 games and fell off the fucking map and back into irrelevance? not me.

7. LSU
You are LSU, the defending National champions. your coach is a jackass who makes the most boneheaded calls in close games that i have ever seen...and yet you seem to win them and get to the national title despite all that. big daddy Saban left you stocked with talent...but a lot of those guys are gone to NFL. sure you're still loaded with shit tons of 4 and 5 stars players, but you're would be superstar QB went and got himself kicked off the team after his 53rd strike and so now you're being quarterbacked by a former member of the Harvard JV team (i didn't even know college football schools had JV teams?!!). i would announce you good and fucked just for that alone. not to mention you've trips to Auburn (a place you aren't too found of winning at) and Floria. i smell Chick-fil-A and a trip to the ATL for you this season.

8. West Virginia

West Fucking Virginia. the most exciting offense in the country. speed is everywhere on this team. your leader is my favorite non-Auburn player in college football, Pat White. you blew the doors off Oklahoma after your dickhead coach skipped town for winged helmets and softer competition. there's no school outside of my Auburn Tigers that i'd root for more to win a National Title this season. unfortunately you play in the Big East, and now that Louisville has fallen off the map you're the only big dog left standing. sure South Florida is a contender, but have you seen those fucking uniforms? they make Oregon look respectable. West Virginia's season is basically two games long. beat Auburn and beat South Florida and you are more than likely gonna be undefeated...unfortunately that's no guarntee that you'll even play for the BCS title. the machines will turn against you and place a 1 loss SEC champ or a 1 loss Ohio State or USC ahead of you any day of the week. it's just the sad facts of the college football world. you had your shot to be champs last year and you fucking blew it. next year Pat White will be gone and so will your time as one of the "it" teams of college football. it was fun while it lasted.

9. Clemson

Clemson in the top 10? hmmm...well they do have 2 awesome runningbacks, a solid QB, some play making receivers, and a shit ton of talent on their defense. and yet they are coached by Tommy Bowden. and so they will lose at least 4 games a season from now and until the end of his terrible reign.

10. Auburn

Auburn's ranked in the top 10. SWEET! Auburn has a loaded defense, most of their tough games at home, and a new spread offense that's should equal more scoring for a team who doesn't give up many points. Auburn is the favorite among most preseason experts to win the SEC west and is a dark horse national title contender. AWESOME! one question: what does Auburn do a really poor fucking job of? living up to expectations. have fun in the Outback Bowl guys.

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