Mission Accomplished...and we still got the rest of this week for extra ass kicking.

i think, at this point, it is safe to say the world has been defeated.

who knew i gave a shit about the Olympics? not me.

USA USA USA! i’m gonna go down some Miller lite, drive around in my Ford 150, and blast Born the Run.

Don't Kill Yourself Canada, It's Just Hockey...It's Not Football Or Anything

Considering we just beat Canada at their national sport and the way we are just dominating these winter Olympics, isn't it about time we annexed America's hat and turned it into a state?

Never Forget The War of 1812, Motherfucker.

USA! USA! USA!

all this dominance by the US team in the Olympics is payback from the War of 1812. suck on that, Canada! YOU BURN OUR WHITEHOUSE WE COME TAKE YOUR MEDALS.

i'm still pissed Johnny Weir (aka Ziggy Stardust on Ice) got robbed.

Don't Believe The Hype

so all i've heard since going into these Summer Olympics was about how the Redeem Team was gonna be challenged and that Gold wasn't going to be easy etc....some "experts" even picked against Team USA. first we heard Greece would be tough (92-69 yeah, not really), then Spain was gonna be trouble (119-82 not so much), and now we have Argentina...the BIGGEST hurdle of all. yeah, well it's 21-4 in the 1st quarter with 1:55 to play. i'll go ahead and assume it was a hurdle designed for midgets and move on. the best games Team USA have gotten were from Angola and Australia.

yeah USA Basketball is back on top like it should be. the only real question is could the 2008 team beat the 1992 team? i'm leaning towards yes. if only because the 92 team was full of aging stars near the end of their careers or well into their primes while the 08 squad is full of young superstars in their primes. granted 92 had Jordan and they have a size advantage with Patrick Ewing, David Robinson and Karl Malone; but 08 has Lebron and Kobe and plays way better defense. i don't know...maybe i'm just being insane, that's just my opinion.

Positive Vibes Fridays: The Hipster Olympics

The 2008 Olympic Games are almost over...and just in time, football starts next week. life suddenly has meaning again.

Usain Bolt Is Fucking Insane

Usain Bolt became the first sprinter since Carl Lewis to win the 100 and 200 meters in the same Olympics. he also shattered the world records in both events and completely blew away his competition. and unlike Lewis, Bolt is both likeable and a total showman...he's also 6 foot 5 and with that kind of speed you've got to believe an NFL team is gonna get this guy to come try out as a wide receiver, shit he's gotta be better than those guys on the Titans. Atlanta i'm looking at you to take a flyer on this freak of nature...if anything it would be an interesting experiment.

if you don't feel like waiting til 10pm or whenever NBC feels like showing this go ahead and check out the video below.

he just torches everyone else. it's not even fucking close. Phelps who?

Where'd All This Patriotism Come From Anyways?

can you picture me standing on top of my couch screaming "go motherfucker! go!", my dogs flipping out and barking at me like an intruder was in the house, while the men's relay team tried to put a cap on Michael Phelps' (aka Swimbot 5000) quest for an 8th Gold Medal? well it happened. and things like that have been happening a lot this last week.

so after talking massive amounts of shit about how irrelevant the Olympics are and making fun of all the people i work with who were excited about them i have ended up watching nearly every second of the fucking games that i can. Swimming (of course), men's basketball (when I'm up early enough), track (when are college football team's gonna start recruiting those damn Jamaicans to come play receiver or corner), and women's volleyball (beach and regular aka bikinis vs. booty shorts) are the obvious ones, but I've been also been watching ping pong, boxing, water polo, soccer, and even fucking gymnastics. hell i watched rowing yesterday. this is the most i've paid attention to the games since they were in Atlanta and then i just sort of did it out of obligation. this is the most i've actually cared about the Olympics since i 1988.

anyways with that being said i think it's time to acknowledge how fucking excited i have been about watching Swimbot 5000 destroy the record books. Michael Phelps is a robot sent from the future to collect the world's gold and make Americans feel good about themselves for a few weeks while our world crumbles around us. and for that i salute him. sure he's a goofy lookin' motherfucker with the abs of a god and he's causing American men to feel bad about their bodies like our girlfriends do when they look at Vogue, but it's a small price to pay for such old fashioned American dominance. i don't care if everyone forgets about him in a month, he fucking rules and all those douchebags on sports talk radio who are trying to say that what he did isn't that big of a deal can all go eat a bag of dicks. i'm as jaded as a sports fan can be and i will admit that watching Phelps kick everyone's ass has been the most fun i've had watching sports in a long time. i hope he bangs as many models, actresses, and strippers as he possibly can because after that performance last week he deserves it.

thanks for making us be proud to be Ameircans...even if it was just for a few moments. now here's some Lee Greenwood and a laser show for your ass.

What Happens At The Olympics...

my favorite story about the Olympics so far isn't the lip syncing little girl or cgi fireworks or the Chinese gymnastics team made up of 7th graders. nope, it's the fact that 100,000 condoms were handed out to the Olympic athletes in the Olympic village. apparently they gave out something like 70,000 in the last games but they ran out. i guess there isn't a whole lot to do in the Olympic Village but get laid, especially once you get knocked out of your competition. i pose a question? who gets more laid at these games, Michael Phelps or the entire US Men's Basketball Team? i think Phelps might be able to take those dudes.

Random Thoughts On The Olympics That I Told Everyone I Was Too Fucking Cool to Watch

maybe it's the fact there are 27 former or current Auburn Tigers competing this year. maybe it's the fact that it's summer and nothing is on TV and i still haven't gotten season 5 of the Wire on DVD yet. maybe it's the fact that i don't have any money because gas is so expensive. but I've been watching a shit ton of the Olympics. which is of course ironic because all i did was talk about how lame i thought the Olympics were and mock people i worked with who were excited about them. anyways...

i can't remember an American Olympic athlete that I've ever thought was more annoying than Alicia Sacramone and her pouting act. i mean i get it, you've trained your whole life for this moment and you go and fuck it up for the whole team by constantly falling off shit and stepping out of bounds...but walking around with that constant frown on your face is no way to endure yourself to all the Americans sitting back home on their fat asses who are cursing your name. loveable loser is not a term one would apply to her. and yes i realize that making fun of a young girl who was crying because she fucked up on the biggest stage of her life and cost her team a chance at the Gold Medal makes me an asshole. i'm okay with that.

unrelated to all that choking the Women's team did last night, i think Nastia Liukin might be in fact the first female gymnast i've ever wanted to do it with.

luckily i could give a shit about women's gymnastics and instead am far more interested in watching the women's beach volley ball team dominate everyone and look hot while doing it. President Bush approves. seriously Bush is living it up over in China now that he doesn't care about his job anymore. not even the Russians invading Georgia will keep W. from having a good ole' time. he looks more stoked than if he was clearing some brush.

as much as i think Michael Phelps rules, i wish he'd hurry up and win all those fucking Golds so i can stop hearing about what a douchebag/crybaby Mark Spitz is being about not getting invited to the Olympics to see Phelps break his record. dude, you have money. get on a fucking plane and go, nobody has to invite you.


and finally a shout out to the Lollipop guild for bringing home the bronze for team USA in men's gymnastics.

A Better Reason to Watch The Olympics Other Than Michael Phelps

Meet Bia and Branca Feres. they are Brazilian synchronized swimming twins who are gonna be famous as hell after this year's summer games thanks to an ungodly amount of hotness.

A Reason To Watch The Olympics

i really could care less about the Olympic games. i mean I'll watch a little men's basketball and maybe some track and field...but honestly who cares about that sport anymore. the only real good reason I've come up with to watch any of the Olympics this year is named Logan Tom.

USA! USA! USA!

The Night The Fire Went Out In Paris

apparently some protesters in France put out the Olympic torch. how does that actually count as protesting? i used to do shit like that in highschool except it was called vandalism or being an asshole.

have they started playing football in the Olympics yet? no. okay, then i don't give a shit.