Friday, May 22, 2009

Worst Uniforms In College Football (1-13)

first of all i limited this list to DIA teams or else Florida A&M, Delaware, Grambling State, and Rhode Island would all have a place on this list. for a more positive take on college football uniforms here's my top 25 best.

OK now let's start the list of shame.

1. University Of Oregon

naming Oregon #1 is too easy, too lazy, uninspired. it's like calling Nevermind the most important album of the duh. but it almost goes without saying when you discuss the WORST uniforms in all of sports (not just college football) that the Oregon Ducks are usually one of if not the first teams that people will mention. so much has been written about the Ducks Unis that it just seems like overkill to even bring them up. first off they don't have 1 singular home or road uniform and instead feature a cast of thousands of possibilities that would be maddening to me if i was a fan. they don't really wear football uniforms so much as they are merely a testing ground for every ridiculous design idea that anyone at Nike can come up with. "hey, do you think it would be cool if we had these little reflector looking things on the shoulders?" (pause) "Yeah that sound like a great idea. let's do it in 5 different colors and start production."

so many different ways to look little time.

and then of course there are the emo wings...

extra bonus suck points go to Oregon for changing their uniforms at halftime during the USC game (obviously Phil Knight made this call because he knew the Ducks would be on national tv) and then getting beaten by the Trojans.

2. South Florida

oh the Bulls. honestly i'm starting to think that they might be more deserving of the top spot than Oregon if only because they have just one uniform that they decided to go with and it is officially the ugliest thing possible. they look like they were designed by some methhead with a graphics design degree that he got online. it almost looks like they somehow got hold of some of Miami's old uniforms from the 60s and slapped a new logo on the helmet. truly awful awful shit from a state that has always turned out teams with ugly uniforms in all sports (with the lone exception being Florida State).

3. The Clemson Purple Attack

honestly it's not like their Orange unis are that much better, but when Clemson decides to go with that all purple look...well it sorta reminds me of Barney and Grimace's illegitimate lovechild.

4. California

oh Golden Bears...what have you done? not that your previous look was much better...but the Mustard jersey is just not a good look for anyone. and what's up with that stripe down the center of the helmet that isn't really a full strip and gives off the impression of a receding hairline? and then to top it off the little bear claw marks on the pants...yeah those are fucking lame.

5. Wyoming

it's bad enough when your team sucks at football...but then you also take the field looking like that. Brown tops with yellow bottoms and a white helmet. UGH. your the cowboys...just rip off Dallas. when i look at this the only thing i can think of is a rotten banana.

6. Oregon State

its a good thing you guys are good at upsetting USC because you sure as shit don't know how to pick a uniform. maybe it's the negative influence from your state rival. maybe it's the Nike affiliation. maybe it's just hard for a team nicknamed the Beavers not to look ridiculous. whenever i see you guys on TV i can only think of one thing...Halloween.

7. Iowa State

it's hard to imagine why Gene Chizik wouldn't have wanted to stick around when his team was taking the field in these babies. Iowa State's old uniforms were pretty fucking terrible...they had a cyclone on the helmet and a bird or something...i don't even know, was obvious that they needed to change it up, but going with these Southern Cal knockoffs didn't earn them any points with anyone.

8. East Carolina

a real pirate should not be wearing purple. ever. East Carolina's uniforms remind me of something that a highschool football team would wear. it's just so generic and awful and just looking at it makes me feel bad for their fans.

9. Tennessee

why The Vols decided push-pop orange was the way to go i will never understand. i know it has something to do with their uniforms looking weird on television when the networks first started broadcasting college football games in color and the neon made it look like regular orange on people's sets...but i'm pretty sure that problem has been fixed by now. and yet Tennessee still look like push-pops.

10. Boise State

as a college football fan there is nothing more damaging to your retinas than trying to watch a Boise State home game as the Broncos run wild on their blue turf nightmare. they sort of disappear and blend into the background and you start to feel like you are 16 years old again and you just dropped acid for the first time and you're trying to listen to Darkside Of The Moon in your bedroom because that's what you are supposed to do when you are 16 and taking acid, but your dad comes in and starts asking you questions about school and you get all freaked out and you just want him to go away and he keeps talking to you and then his face starts melting like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark and you are losing your shit.....huh...what's going on? why am i watching these weird little Smurfs play football? fuck it, i'm changing the channel.

11. West Virginia (the all Mustard mindfuck)

even a football god like Pat White couldn't make these atrocities look respectable. note to teams with any amount of yellow in their uniforms: NEVER GO WITH THE ALL MUSTARD JERSEY/PANT COMBO EVER FOR ANY REASON.

12. Virginia Tech

i mean the Hokies were fucked for life with that color combination...but then last season they decided to change it up and give us those weird orange sleeves that go down the side of their jersey. seriously do the people who work in the Nike design department have running bets with one another to see who can come up with the stupidest/ugliest fucking uniform possible and then try and see if the team they designed it for will actually wear it? this has to be going's the only way you can explain half of this shit.

13. The Entire MAC

i don't know if there is a football conference doing a better/worse job of sending out lousy college football uniforms than the fucking MAC. i mean seriously of the 13 teams in that league not one of them has a good looking uniform. they range from the bland (Temple, Ohio, Miami, Buffalo) to the truly ghastly (Toledo, Bowling Green, Kent State, Akron) and the closest thing to a uniform that isn't terrible would be Ball State and all it really looks like is a bad imitation of the Arizona Cardinals...and who wants that? the MAC is like if the Cleveland Browns and the Baltimore Ravens fucked and had a bunch of retarded looking crack babies who all started little football teams. things are bad enough for the people of the Rust Belt...they could at least get some halfway descent college football unis to look at.

if they played football in the former Soviet Bloc countries these would be the ugly things that i'd imagine their teams would wear.


Jake said...

Wow bro im on the complete opposite side from you. The only two I agree with you is whyoming and the entire mac. But nice try!

Anonymous said...

Spot on!