Friday, September 4, 2009

Suicide Watch (2009): Week 1 - Fear And Loathing Is Upon Us, Motherfucker


"I hate to say this," said my attorney as we sat down at the Merry-Go-Round Bar on the second balcony, "but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting the Fear."

and so it is upon us. like a pack of wild dogs ready to come tear off our flesh and feast on our bones. the 2009 College Football season. i for one want nothing to do with it. i'd rather be able to flash forward into the year 2010 just at the point when Jupiter gets turned into a 2nd sun. that way noone notices that Auburn football is slowly but surely turning into Kentucky.....Oh Wait, i was supposed to be optimistic about this season. nevermind, forget everything i just said. 8 wins baby. we goin' to the Chicken Bowl!!! whatever...

anyways the longest offseason in recent memory is finally over and Auburn has a brand new coach for the 1st time in 10 years and the thinnest roster of talent that i can ever remember. our offense is lead by a one armed zombie and our defense is a M.A.S.H. unit and we haven't played a single snap yet.

this would've been a great week to schedule Generic Directional University....and yet we face a very capable Louisiana Tech team who went bowling last year.

things to know about the Bulldogs of LA Tech: their runningback Daniel Porter rushed for 1,164 yards...that means he's good. and they've also got a dominating defensive line full of experience. Defensive tackle D’Anthony Smith is an NFL prospect and Mason Hitt is pretty good too. Auburn's line will have to protect Todd (something they didn't do last year) and open up the lanes for the Tiger RBs or this might be an ugly puntfest. ya know, like every single game last year.

talent-wise the Tigers should still be good enough with their front four to cause LA Tech trouple. Coleman is gonna have to make some big plays and knock QB Ross Jenkins on his ass all day to give that young Auburn secondary the help it needs. those brand new starting tackles will also need to shut down Porter and the LA Tech running game.

if Auburn can establish their running game and get some homeruns outta speed demon McCaleb then if could see the Tigers blowing this one wide open, but if Auburn has to rely on the passing game then i imagine we'll be witnessing a lot of 3 and outs and stalled drives and PUNTS PUNTS PUNTS PUNT 4 VICTORY!!! and nobody wants that.

honestly Auburn NEEDS a big win to give the fans some faith. everyone knows Chizik was an unpopular hire, and no matter how positive we feel about the coaching staff he's put together, he HAS to win this game to start earning the fan's trust and respect. losing to LA Tech might just derail this entire season and we could end up with the kind of year Michigan in 2008.

Potential for Tragedy: 6, as far as creampuffs go...well LA Tech isn't a real creampuff. not this year anyways. Auburn should be plenty worried about the Bulldogs...but i think a close win is in the cards for Auburn. but if they lose....

method of suicide: put the gun in your mouth and just get it over with cuz this is gonna be a LONG LONG LONG LONG LLLLLOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG year and not much good is going to happen. just make sure you do it right, you don't wanna end up lookin' like arseface.

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