The Cursed City Of Atlanta

Besides the whole being burned to the ground during the Civil War and then being rebuilt by some asshole who thought it'd be funny to name everything Peachtree Street, the city of Atlanta is also home to a tragic and thankless tradition of losing sports teams and just overall bad luck.

For anyone who grew up as a kid in the 1980s in Georgia there were always a few things you knew for sure; the sun was gonna rise, you were always gonna think kids who drank Pepsi were weird, and The Braves and Hawks and Falcons were all gonna fucking lose.


as a Braves fan i could always count on the fact that Dale Murphy would be our lone representative in the All Star game and that we'd finish either last or next to last every year in the old National League West...and then suddenly the fortunes changed. 1991 is the summer i'll never forget. Worst to First. Glavine wins the Cy Young. Terry Pendelton flirts with the MVP. Ron Gant, David Justice, and Otis Nixon make up one of the best outfields in the National League. Smoltz recovers from a terrible first half and becomes the superstar people always thought he'd be. We beat the Dodgers and win the Division and then holy fucking shit we beat the Pirates and are going to the World Series. the 91 series might be one the greatest one of all time. and if it wasn't for Lonnie Fucking Smith the Braves would have probably won it. the Braves went on to win 14 straight division titles which would be great...if they didn't fucking choke every year in the goddamn playoffs. 13 seasons of high hopes and then bitter disappointments is enough to drive away a loyal fan base...and that's pretty much what happened.
The year that Atlanta actually did win a World Series, 1995, was the one year that i completely boycotted baseball because of the 94 strike. seriously i never watched a single second of the one year where Atlanta actually won it all. and now the writing is on the wall, Smoltz is getting old, the greatest Manager/General Manager team of all time, Bobby Cox and John Schuerholz, are both nearing retirement. i'd bet that this may be the last or next to last year where the Braves actually field a competitive team before slipping back into the ranks of also-rans. they can't really afford to sign Superstars anymore and with the Mets and their endless pocketbook it's doubtful that Atlanta will win another division title anytime soon. and so i feel like it's all coming to an end. maybe they'll make the playoffs this year and make one last run before Smoltz is done...but it all feels like your old dog who can't run and jump like he used to is about to be put to sleep.


The Falcons are a different kind of story. where as the Braves were loveable losers that turned into a great (yet disappointing) franchise...the Falcons have always seemed like they were playing with their head firmly inside their ass. the 1980s are basically a blur of 10 loss seasons with only the lowly Saints there to cushion our fall. two annual beatdowns a year by the 49ers were always good for a laugh. and a steady string of draft busts probably even would make Matt Millen feel like he's doing a pretty good job in Detroit. then came Jerry Glanville and Deion Sanders and the all black uniforms and then "holy shit, we made the playoffs. hey, why is MC Hammer hanging out on the sidelines?" Andre Rison and Deion were two of the best players in the NFL...our qb sucked but hey those are the breaks. whose this Bret Favre guy sitting on the bench? who cares, lets trade him. and so on and so forth. more losing seasons would follow. apparently we made the playoffs in '95. i don't remember this happening. and then suddenly 1998 rolled around and we had Jamal Anderson and his record breaking season (we also he the fucking Dirty Bird, but I'll forgive that when you rush for 2000 yards) and a respectable (if not often injured) Qb in Chris Chandler and somehow someway they went 14-2 and beat an incredible Vikings team in the NFC championship game (we'll gloss over the fact that it was a total fluke after Gary Anderson...who hadn't missed a kick all season...missed the potential game winner and let the Falcons come back and eventually win in overtime). now getting to the Superbowl was pretty amazing...but of course it happened to be on an actual Blue Moon. the Broncos easily crushed the Falcons and then Jamal Anderson blew his knee out to start the 99 season and pretty much killed the Falcons for a few more years. and then a shining beacon of hope emerged with the Number one pick in the 2001 draft. Mike Vick came to town. our franchise is saved. a magical playoff win at Greenbay in his first full season as a starter. Madden cover boy = broken leg and a wrecked season. Vick comes back and it's on to the NFC championship. we lose to the Eagles but it feels like things are different now. 2 late season collapses later turn into a coaching change and THEN, well you know what happened next. so here we are, our franchise player is a fellon and it's back to last place finishes and being a joke of a franchise. it's enough to make you open a wrist...but nobody bleeds for the Falcons.


The Hawks...what can i really say. 'Nique and Spud won some dunk contests. they never won any games that mattered. apparently the Hawks are still an NBA team. who knew? better yet, who cares?