10 Things To Be Thankful For in 2007

1. You aren't a Notre Dame fan
2. The Yankees didn't win the World Series (although the Red Sox winning it is basically the same thing now)
3. In a year when Vick and Tyson and OJ all either went to or are gonna end up going to jail at least Kobe didn't rape anyone
4. You didn't get lead poisoning from that Football you bought to play catch with that was made in China
5. You aren't a Michigan player who came back for his Senior season to win a BCS title and hurt his draft stock (not to mention got beat by App State)
6. You didn't pay your head coach 4 million dollars to lose to something called the Warhawks (sorry Mike)
7. Your favorite team's starting quarterback didn't throw 4 interceptions to your 2nd biggest rival and a blowout loss for the second year in a row (oh wait that did happen to me)
8. Your fantasy football team got Purple Jesus in the 4th round
9. You aren't Bobby Petrino
10. Knowshon Moreno hasn't fucked your girlfriend/sister/mom/long time crush.....yet

and for a special bonus things to be thankful for (if you happen to hate Shawn Merriman and think he's a trash talking, 'roid freak, douchebag). this play.

Useless Blogpoll Week 12

A Lifetime of Defeats Week 12 Top 25

1. LSU
2. Kansas
3. West Fucking Virginia
4. Missouri
5. Ohio State
6. Georgia
7. Arizona State
8. Oregon (but you know they are totally fucked)
9. Virginia Tech
10. Oklahoma
11. Hawaii (why the fuck not?)
12. USC
13. Texas
14. Florida
15. Boston College
16. Virginia
17. Boise State
18. Tennessee
19. Illinois
20. Wisconsin
21. Clemson
22. UConn
23. BYU
24. Auburn
25. South Florida

-poor poor Dennis Dixon and Oregon. they went from National Title hopefuls to the Holiday Bowl in one buckled kneecap. Brady Leaf (brother of Ryan Leaf) gets to lead them on a two game losing streak and then probably a blowout loss in a bowl game to a pissed off Oklahoma team who wants revenge on that bullshit loss to the Ducks last year in Eugene where the Pac 10 refs cheated them out of a win.
-speaking of Oklahoma, Stoops pulled his annual choke on a big fat cock to a lesser team. granted they already lost to Colorado this year, but that was a sort of flukish loss that was more about them taking Colorado lightly after getting the lead than it was about getting out played. Texas Tech on the other hand just gave them a savage beating that only a team who throws the ball 800 times a game can give you.
-i can't believe Kansas/Missouri is going to be the game of the week. what alternate reality have we slipped into?
-so much for Kentucky beating UGA. at this point i would be rooting hard for Tennessee to beat Kentucky this week if i was LSU because i sure as shit wouldn't wanna face the Dawgs in the Dome for the SEC title. sure Stafford might throw half a dozen picks, but Knowshon might drop 250 on LSU. and then the SEC would be locked out of the national title game with West Virginia having a clear shot at destroying Kansas in New Orleans. if you simulated a season of NCAA Football 2008 on your Playstation 2 about 576 times you'd probably never end up with that match up in a title game....EVER. and such is the 2007 College Football season.
-Notre Dame beats Duke. and the Notre Dame fans were stoked. too bad it wasn't a basketball game and your team still fucking sucks. why don't you tools go join the MAC and see if you can compete for one of those crappy bowl spots.
-Houston Nutt said, "peace out bitches" and is heading for the hills. good luck getting Tubby to come coach at that shithole. McFadden and Jones are so leaving for the NFL after this season. Arkansas is looking like they might be the worst team in the SEC next year, except they'll still somehow beat Auburn at Jordan-Hare.
-Auburn was able to defeat their bye week and move back into the AP Top 25. way to go Tigers.
-the same can't be said for BAMA. oh Bama, you dishonor the whole conference when you lose to a Sun Belt team. maybe Todd Blackledge was right when he called Troy the best team in the state of Alabama. that being said, don't be surprised if BAMA somehow beats Auburn in the Iron Bowl this weekend. it's the sort of bullshit that always happens in that fucking game. if a picture was worth 4 millions dollars then this is it.

sorry Mike.
-peace out Lloyd Carr. he "retired" today or at least that's what they are calling it. i call it another word that rhymes with retired. Les Miles will be taking that job, thank you very much, and seeing if his mighty balls can work some magic in that lousy Big 10 or 11 or whatever next season.
-Hawaii keeps on winning. Boise State vs Hawaii for the WAC title. i expect somewhere just south of 120 points combined in this one. my early lean is with the Smurfs. they fucking own that conference and one day they'll be the 11th team in the Pac 10...i'm sure of it.
-crank dat Heisman Tebow. if you keep putting up mind numbing stats like you have been then they might rename the Trophy after your mutant ass.

SUICIDE WATCH (bye week)

So my Tigers are off Suicide Watch this week. which is good, after killing themselves for the 4th time of the year they could use a break.


but that doesn't mean other fans are off the hook. Oregon fans hung themselves in a closet with "radio friendly unit shifter" playing in the background after getting their Heisman QB and National Title hopes snatched from them at the same time with their loss to Arizona last night. it's hard out there for the number 2 teams. right now it's looking like LSU will face the winner of the Big 12 (most likely Oklahoma) in the BCS title game...but don't be surprised if both of those teams go down and we end up with Ohio State vs West Virginia in a title game that noone would have picked at the beginning of the season.

teams on the watch this weekend
-Michigan, about to be beaten by Ohio State for the 6th time in 7 years or something like that. your coach is about to be fired/retired. your probably going to the Outback Bowl and get blown out by Kentucky. just be grateful you won't have to play Oregon again in the Rose Bowl. with or without Dennis Dixon they'd still drop 50 on your ass.
-Georgia, sure i am probably just being a hater...but word on the street is that the kids will be bringing bags of Sugar to the Kentucky/Georgia game this weekend. i believe they call that counting your chickens before they hatch in certain parts of this country. it would be sweet Southern Justice if Woodson and Kentucky dropped the hammer on this UGA winning streak and sent Georgia on a one way ticket to the Peach Bowl...or whatever it's called now.
-LSU, is playing the WORST team in the SEC. probably feels like they are ready to start preparing the kick some lousy Big 12 teams ass in New Orleans and bring a 2nd National Title home in the last 5 years...but don't sleep on Ole' Miss. they've played every good team they've faced tough and almost beaten Florida and Alabama.
-Notre Dame, i mean honestly at this point it's just piling on...but there is a very real possibility the Duke could beat the Irish this weekend. 1-9 is bad, but 1-10 with a loss to Navy and Air Force and fucking Duke...in fucking football. well you might just find a whole lot of Catholics just saying fuck it about that whole going to hell thing and pulling a Jonestown up in South Bend.
-Hawaii, playing against an okay Nevada team on Friday night in the cold desert air. don't be surprised if Brennan (who might not be able to play) and the Rainbow Warriors go down and their hopes at a BCS bowl go down with them.
-West Fucking Virginia, with Oregon losing and with other possible upsets on the horizon the Mountaineers could sneak into the national title game...unfortunately they are playing a Cincinnati team that CAN and WILL upset a motherfucker or two every given year. watch out Pat White.

Looking Into The Future

Auburn has released their 2008 Schedule and it's a little easier than the past couple of seasons. the major test being a road game against a very talented West Virginia team in Morgantown. why Auburn decided to go play a team like West Fucking Virginia in their house with a brand new QB under center next year is anyone's guess. West Virginia is likely to be a national title contender next year and ranked in the top 5 when the Tigers roll into town and they'll be looking to make a statement against one of the SEC's elite teams. if Auburn hasn't figured out their offense then it could get real ugly, real fast...good defense or not. Pat White can make you look silly, just ask Georgia.

other big games will be Tennessee, Arkansas, LSU, BAMA, and UGA. the Tigers' schedule looks a little bit easier than the past few seasons since they don't have to play Florida (which i guess actually worked out pretty good for Auburn with them going 2-0 against the Gators) and then scheduling Southern Miss instead of another BCS school like a Kansas State or Washington State. Arkansas will likely be down next year with McFadden and possibly Felix Jones both bolting for the NFL. LSU will hopefully be down a bit as well with a likely exit of their major skill players leaving for the NFL if they manage to win the National Title this season, like what happened to Florida last season.

i guess everything will depend on what happens with Tubberville and then what happens with the quarterback position next season. is Kodi Burns ready to step in and lead the Tigers? the running game should be solid and the young offensive line will be seasoned. the D only loses Groves...which is a BIG loss, but the young guys who stepped in for him have all played well, especially Antonio Coleman who seems to have taken on the role of the dreadlocked sack machine that was started by Stanley McClover and then passed onto Quentin Groves. the Linebackers should be solid...assuming none of them get arrested, suspended, or seriously injured. and the secondary will be a total crapshoot. the safeties will be good, the corners will be young. luckily most of these teams can't fucking throw. thanks for small favors in the SEC.

2008 AUBURN FOOTBALL SCHEDULE

Aug. 30 LOUISIANA-MONROE
Sept. 6 at West Virginia
Sept. 13 at Mississippi State
Sept. 20 LSU
Sept. 27 TENNESSEE
Oct. 4 at Vanderbilt
Oct. 11 ARKANSAS
Oct. 18 SOUTHERN MISS
Nov. 1 at Ole Miss
Nov. 8 TENNESSEE-MARTIN
Nov. 15 GEORGIA
Nov. 29 at Alabama

OPEN DATES: Oct. 25, Nov. 22

We're All Doomed

with Auburn's season in quick decline and the potential that our head coach might be heading to either the school that stole Bama's old coach (Texas a&m) or to one of our biggest rivals in conference (lsu) it could be a REALLY REALLY long off season. worst case scenario for this season will be Auburn losing the Iron Bowl and then getting beaten by some shitty mid major team in a worthless bowl game. right now best case scenario is probably going to the Peach Bowl or Chick-Fil-A bowl or whatever it's called and losing to Clemson or Virginia or Virginia Tech. regardless hopes of a New Year's Day bowl are gone and Tiger nation might be suffering it's own blackout soon enough...as in death of the program's SEC dominance during the Tubberville era. the SEC is a funny thing. one season can completely blow up your program and send it straight into the tubes for a number of years....especially with Saban at BAMA, a super talented and young Georgia team on the rise, and LSU maintaining their status as monsters of the SEC West, with or without Les Miles. recruiting is gonna be a sonofabitch.

okay i am totally overreacting in the most negative way following a very embarrassing loss. this is how i roll. one bad thing happens and everything is ruined. that's my mentality. maybe this is why i should get some less stressful hobbies, like high stakes poker or base jumping. regardless i'm definently feeling alot of dread and i'm gonna care more about the results of this year's BAMA/Auburn game than i have in years.

THE NFLs Week 10 (who the fuck even knows anymore)

-everybody's drinkin' the Steelers Kool Aid and calling for them to be the one to knock off the Patriots. i say barely beating the Browns does not an elite team make.
-speaking of elite teams, what the fuck was up with that Colts/Chargers game. it was the game no one wanted to win, with horrible performances from the NFLs greatest QB and Kicker. Peyton throws 6 picks and they still almost won the game...with half of their starting lineup hurt. i wouldn't panic just yet Indy fans.
-so much for the Redskins being my darkhorse NFC team.
-so much for the Lions being my darkhorse NFC team.
-Sex Cannon is back baby! Throwing Bombs with Pick Sixes to come. you know i'm picking him up for my fantasy team.
-Bengals beat the Ravens without scoring a single touchdown. amazingly bad football was played in this one. the Ravens are over.
-Vince Young is a strange football player. it's like watching the big kid playing pick up football with a bunch of really fast middle schoolers.
-The Falcons have decided to win JUST ENOUGH games this season to not land a top 5 draft pick which kinda feels like a bad thing to me. no McFadden, probably no Brohm, hell no Glenn Dorsey either. fuck it, just draft the best left tackle available and get some receivers and linebackers in the next couple of rounds.
-the 49ers might be the least improved team in the NFL. all those experts picking them to win the west should just hand in their credentials and go back to calling robot war matches. fuck that team. watching the Niners play football just makes me bored. at least the Dolphins suck with some flair.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Fantasy Football Nightmares Are My Reality

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Purple Jesus hurt his knee. i can see my fantasy season tumbling down around me. WHY??? isn't it bad enough that the Georgia Bulldogs slaughtered my Auburn Tigers and that The Falcons suck?! why you gotta kick a brother while he's down and take away his Purple Jesus?!? that being said, somehow my team won it's 7th game and is in a three way log jam for 1st place. Use those magic powers, Purple Jesus, to heal your knee and come back to us. Thug Apologists can't live without you.

Sing Me A Song Of Sorrow

so it's been a few days since the Blackout Massacre and i've had some time to absorb all of the pain and sorrow that such an embarrassing destruction of my Auburn Tigers has inflicted upon me. i am left mostly with huge questions that can't possibly have any answers. How the fuck can Auburn shut down Darren McFadden and Felix Jones but then let Knowshon Moreno and Thomas Brown tear through their D Line like it was Kentucky? how do you mostly keep in check Florida's passing attack and yet you give up bomb after bomb to Matt Stafford? also when the fuck did Georgia's receiving corp learn how to catch? how do you climb back into a game and take a 20-17 lead and then just completely fall apart and get blown out by 25 points in a fucking rivalry game? why didn't Auburn just stick with Ben Tate and the ground game instead of forcing passes with Brandon Cox who obviously has some sick desire to throw as many picks as possible when facing the Dawgs?

SERIOUSLY this was the WORST LOSS i can ever remember against Georgia. last year the game was pretty much over after the first few drives when a crippled Cox threw pick after pick that were returned from touchdowns. that's the kind of blowout that's easy to stomach. your team was never in the game and you have almost zero chance of making a comeback. but a game like this just breaks your fucking back. Auburn never seemed like they were playing with any passion of intensity at all during the game, not even when they took the lead and seemed to have all the momentum. my brains were just leaking out of my ears for most of the 2nd half when the Tigers pretty much just gave up. at this point i will be surprised if Auburn is able to win another game. i fully expect the Tide to roll into Jordan-Hare and end the Tigers five game winning streak in the series and take back their claim to the state of Alabama. and then Auburn will probably find themselves getting beaten by some Conference USA team or low level MAC squad in the Liberty Bowl...or whatever other piece of shit they land in.

FUCKING GEORGIA!!!! you Dawgs sure no how to ruin a motherfucker's season. 2 years in a row. fuck it. i'm moving.

lean with it rock with it, Vern.

i think after this football season we are gonna have to officially retire the Soulja Boy for all time.

Useless Blogpoll Week 11

A Lifetime of Defeats Week 11 Top 25

1. LSU
2. Oregon
3. Oklahoma
4. Kansas
5. West Fucking Virginia
6. Missouri
7. Ohio State
8. Georgia
9. Arizona State
10. Virginia Tech
11. Hawaii (why the fuck not?)
12. USC
13. Texas
14. Florida
15. Clemson
16. Virginia
17. Boston College
18. Boise State
19. Tennessee
20. Cincinnati
21. Illinois
22. Kentucky
23. BYU
24. Auburn
25. Wisconsin

Come On Feel The Hate

liveblogging the Georgia/Auburn game.
-here i am in Athens, GA. sitting with my shit talking girlfriend and my pacing friend MB watching the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry.
-Georgia are wearing all black jerseys. i can't fucking believe this shit. so much for tradition.
-1st play of the game, Brandon Cox gets picked off. SHIT!!! please don't let this be a repeat of last year.
-i think Richt may have started worshipping the Devil. this is my only explanation for this new Georgia attitude.
-fucking Knowshon Moreno.
-good stand by the defense. put in terrible field position they hold the dogs to a field goal.
-what the fuck s up with Auburn calling all these goddamned timeouts?
-good drive for the Tigers. Brandon Cox looks like he's forcing it a little too much. Brad Lester is playing his ass off.
-field goal. tied game. this is gonna be a long fucking day.
-what in the fuck was that coverage? Stafford throws a bomb for td. 10-3.
-Auburn does nothing. punt.
-fuck, Groves is hurt.
-1st half is over. so far this blackout isn't the funeral for Georgia's season that i'd hoped it would be.
-STAFFORD!!!! FUCK!!!!
-14 points down.
-fumble on the kickoff. GAY.
-Auburn is playing their worst game of the year. how do you stop Tebow, McFadden, and give LSU their toughest game of the year and then play like total dogshit against Georgia? i'm seriously getting depressed. i may have to move away after this game.
-Cox, sacked. goddamn it. okay, a face mask. fine.
-Lester, another good run.
-COX!!!! you fucking douche.
-great catch, Montez Billings. i think the Tigers have finally found a replacement for Courtney Taylor.
-go Tate go!!! Auburn's play calling is so frustrating. they run the ball well. stick with that.
-The Tigers are in the redzone. they need a touchdown here to set my mind at ease.
-TOUCHDOWN Tate! run the goddamn football motherfucker. Georgia has no answer for a team who can run the ball.
-Stafford got sacked. Coleman crank dat Supaman.
-Moreno stuffed.
-Georgia finally has to punt.
-fuck Lester fumbles. looks like the ground caused the fumble. Lester almost broke his fucking neck.
-apparently Nebraska CAN actually play football.
-okay, so the ground did cause the fumble. Auburn keeps the ball.
-SHIT! Cox sacked.
-3rd and 21....run a draw. well this is the SEC.
-Georgia gets a flag for unsportsman like conduct penalty. it's still 4th down. Auburn to punt. and then of course they get a false start penalty.
-Knowshon just got lit the fuck up.
-okay so we go into the half with Auburn down by 7. this game is turning into a fucking blood feud.
-so, Ohio State is losing. i hope Illinois goes ahead and takes the Buckeyes out of this national title discussion so we can save them the embarrassment of being destroyed by either Oregon or LSU.
-apparently Notre Dame has just given up on football. 31-17, Airforce.
-ok back to the game.
-Knowshon who?
-the Auburn d-line is mostly controlling this game.
-Stafford gets picked off. Rex Grossman Jr is back.
-Cox misses a wide open receiver but thankfully Georgia is playing pretty stupid and got a penalty.
-Fannin, touchdown!!! 17-17. Auburn is back baby. Georgia should go put those red jerseys back on and forget all this silliness.
-Antonio Coleman knocks down Stafford's pass. Georgia to punt.
-Cole Bennett lives. first down.
-Bennett again for 1st down. i thought that dude graduated.
-BEN TATE. go baby go. Knowshon Who?
-shit. Tate gets stuffed on 2nd down. i smell a field goal.
-well so much for snatching the momentum.
-Byrum, field goal. 17 straight points for my Tigers. the shit talking will be epic next week.
-Knowshon stuffed.
-what's up with all these late hit calls? i'm sorry, is this the SEC or the Pac 10?
-goddamned corners can't cover for shit.
-goddamn it. i guess Knowshon isn't getting shut down after all. 24-20 UGA.
-so apparently Black unis equals playing like dipshits and getting lots of stupid penalties. Go Dawgs.
-Lester fumble. put Tate in goddamnit.
-Cox pick. you are melting my brain with this bullshit.
-when the fuck did Georgia learn how to catch? someone please cover Sean Bailey. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Knowshon throws a touchdown....but there is a flag. thank you.
-Knowshon fumble! Fuck, Georgia recovers. have i mentioned how much i hate Georgia?
-goddamn it. Knowshon. you fucking fag.
-face mask Auburn. great, 1st down and goal for Georgia. if they score here then i feel like this game is over.......AND of course Knowshon scores. this sucks. break that fucker's leg.
-everyone on Georgia is crankin that soulja boy.
-Georgia kicks it out of bounds to start the 4th quarter.
-holy shit! Vern is crankin' that souljaboy.
-go Tate go.
-Ohio State is DONE. all is well in the world.
-Auburn goes three and out. great.
-Thomas Brown just drove the nail into Auburn's coffin. this shit is over.
-touchdown Georgia. MOTHERFUCKER. well it's over.
-so apparently BAMA and AUBURN only lose to the exact same teams. who the fuck is going to be representing the state of Alabama in the Peach Bowl?
-so at this point i can only hope for Auburn to put that 6th straight loss on the Tide. i am gonna be depressed for the next few weeks. fucking Georgia. WTF?!?!?!?!
-Cox throws another fucking pick. this is just getting ugly.
-Tubby you're fired. just kidding. i'm not completely insane. i no longer wish to think about this game. getting ass raped by the Bulldogs in Athens is the sort of thing that doesn't set well with me. losing 2 in a row to the Dawgs totally blows. sometimes i fucking hate college football. right now would be exactly one of those times.
-fuck this game. goddamn it. now it's just a blowout. i'm done.

Suicide Watch Week 11

and here we are. part 1 of the two part rival war. my beloved Tigers are rolling into my home town of Athens, GA to play the hated Georgia bulldogs in the biggest game of the college football weekend. Georgia sits in the top 10 basically by knocking off an overrated Florida team that can't play any defense. Georgia has been wildly inconsistent this year, flashing signs of brilliance in big games against Bama and Florida and then turning around and looking like total trash against South Carolina and then just being run off the field by a fairly sorry Tennessee squad. the Bulldog nation of course has no time for facts and reality. there in the top 10 and going to the SEC title game and Knowshon Moreno is the greatest runningback in the country. fuck reality. it has no place in the Classic City. well here's some motherfucking reality for your ass. Auburn has the best defence in the SEC and has already shut down the best backfield in the nation in Darren McFadden and Felix Jones, and also beat that same Florida team in the swamp when they were still healthy. am i worried about the Dawgs this week? sure, it's a rivalry game...plus every asshole i know is a fucking Georgia fan and after the ass whipping UGA put on Auburn last season i don't think i can deal with another year's worth of shit talking (seriously if Auburn loses this game i might move) but the beauty of this rivalry has always been that the road team almost always wins. and last time i checked my Tigers are wearing white on Saturday.

Georgia's defence is young and mostly worthless this year. they gave up 34 points to Troy and 35 to Tennessee. Georgia hasn't really looked that impressive except against Oklahoma State and Mississippi. they almost lost to Vanderbilt and they caught a Florida team that was trapped in some time warp and believed that Knowshon Moreno was actually Herschel Walker and that it was 1982, not 2007. Georgia's offence is basically run it with #24 and hope that Mikey Henderson can get them good field position off kick and punt returns and then trow the occasional bomb with Stafford.

will Auburn roll into Athens and crush the Bulldogs like was done to them last year? probably not. actually it's highly unlikely considering Auburn pretty much has the worst offence in the SEC...except when playing LSU. but the Auburn D should be able to take away the Georgia running game and that puts things into the hands of Rex Grossman in training, Matt Stafford...and i like those odds.

okay, with the massive amount of shit i just talked about the Dawgs don't be surprised if they come out and blow Auburn out by about 40 points, causing Tubberville to take the Texas A&M job right then and there so as never to face another Georgia team ever again. but really this is the game that matters the most to me. Auburn has beaten Bama five years in a row. they are sorta due a win by now. but to beat Georgia and ruin their chances at a BCS and SEC title game like they did to Auburn last year....well that's the sort of revenge that can warm your heart and make sitting through the Peach Bowl against a lousy ACC team all that more enjoyable.

potential for tragedy: 7 (rivalry games are always high...but i still love Auburn's chances)

method of suicide: drowning, as in drowning in your fucking sorrows and then leaping off a bridge....if you can find a body of water worth drowning in...fucking drought.

Let The Shit Talking Begin

this weekend my Auburn Tigers take on the hated Georgia Bulldogs in the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry. now i'm not getting into specifics about the matchup today as that is what i'll be doing tomorrow. no, today i would just like to talk about my hatred of the University Of Georgia's football team. see unfortunately i live in Athens, Georgia...which is a fine place to live if you are an indie rock loving townie with a drinking problem. but if you are a fan of say, Auburn, it can get a little insufferable in these here parts.

JUSTIN's Top 7 Reasons For Hating the Georgia Bulldogs, Currently.

1. growing up in the state of Georgia taught me at an early age that Georgia fans are mostly annoying and retarded. no fan base has a shorter memory when it comes to their embarrassing losses (cough, Vanderbilt and Kentucky...last year) and no one is quicker to start talking about being in the National Title game after starting the year 3-0.
2. 1980...i'm sorry were you even born the last time Georgia won a National Title? no. okay good, then shut up. one national title in the last 30 years does not a national power you make. you know who else have won national titles since the last time Georgia pulled it off, BYU and Washington. nuff said.
3. Mark Richt. most overrated coach in the SEC. does less with more than anyone in the league. Georgia produces more NFL talent than any team in the SEC and yet they can't stay in the national title talks past the month of October. also, can't do shit against Florida (this year being the exception). lets Mike Bobo run his offense. is a Christian douchebag with a bad haircut.
4. their fans. i know i sorta covered that with number one, but seriously Georgia fans are so fucking lame. just a bunch of drunk lawyers who wanna leave the game as soon as possible and get something to eat at Last Resort. they also would rather go down and hangout at St. Simons playing golf all week then ever see the Georgia/Florida game move to a home and away series that might even the huge advantage that Florida holds in the series by basically getting a home game every year against the Dawgs.
5. Uga. that inbred piece of shit used to be the most awesome mascot in all of college football. now he just sits around on a bag of ice. Tennessee's hound would tear UGA's ass off in a fight.
6. hearing people talk about Knowshon Moreno and how he's gonna win the Heisman trophy next year and that he's the best Georgia runningback since some guy named Walker. wore #34, won a national title, and the Heisman trophy, holds the SEC rushing record despite only playing 3 years. yeah, Knowshon is in the same league as him. also he's the best back in the SEC. wait, you didn't know that. i guess you aren't a Georgia fan then. yeah, okay granted Knowshon is a good back, yes, but really, you'd rather have him than McFadden or Felix Jones? seriously? you are retarded.
7. Matt Stafford and the continuation of the Georgia QB who is much heralded in college and does jack and shit in the NFL. Eric Zier, Quincy Carter, David Greene, DJ Shockley, etc... repeat for infinity. Stafford will be on that list of NFL busts soon enough.

truly there is nothing i hate more than Georgia when they play Auburn. most Tiger fans hate Alabama, but being as how i was blessed not to grow up in the state of my birth i have instead filled that lack of pure hate with total loathing for all things red and black. except for Larry Munson...he totally rules.

THE NFLs- We're Halfway There (Living On A Prayer edition)

-Purple Jesus (aka Adrian Peterson) is dominating the NFL, getting called the most complete runningback since OJ Simpson and Jim Brown and is making me see what it would have been like if Bo Jackson had just played football all the time instead of wasting his time breaking bats over his knee with the Royals. and to think, i got him in the 4th round of my fantasy draft. at this point he's made bandwagon jumpers put away their Larry Johnson, LT, and Reggie Bush jerseys and start rocking the big ugly purple Vikings 28. the question right now isn't if he's the best RB in the NFL...cuz hat's an easy yes, it's is he gonna end up being the best runningback of ALL TIME.
-The Patriots are on a mission to destroy you. honestly watching them play football is sort of like watching someone who is a master at Madden playing the computer on the Rookie setting. after about the 1st quarter it's just not even fun anymore. Brady is going to probably toss about 55 touchdowns and they might actually go undefeated thanks to playing in the weakest division in football and having a pretty easy schedule. that being said, the Colts choked that game away. fucking Peyton. you douche. learn to hold onto the ball. it was like watching John Parker Wilson or someting on Sunday.
-the Chargers hype is just that, hype. fuck that team.
-The Saints have managed the save their season...thanks mostly to being in a terrible division and thanks to the combo of Reggie and Drew Brees. do you think the Chargers ever kick themselves for picking Rivers over Brees...probably not as much as they are for firing Marty.
-The Falcons SUCK....but unfortunately they don't suck as much as the 49ers, Dolphins, and Rams. so much for Darren McFadden in the ATL.
-Derek Anderson is the new Drew Brees, making Brady Quinn the new Philip Rivers. how's this gonna play out in 2 years?
-long live Favre. may he play til he's 50.
-LIONS, 10 wins is gonna happen. Kitna for President. i think it would be funny if Matt Millen started wearing those fire Millen t-shirts on the sidelines when the Lions end up in the playoffs this year.

Top 7 Stories I Don't Fucking Care About In Sports

1. The Yankees
2. Joe Torre going to the Dodgers.
3. A-Rod
4. Kobe
5. The Patriots going undefeated.
6. Matt Ryan's Heisman
7. Barry Bonds saying he's not going to the hall of fame.

Useless Blogpoll Week 10

A Lifetime of Defeats Week 10 Top 25

1. LSU
2. Oregon
3. Ohio State
4. Oklahoma
5. West Fucking Virginia
6. Kansas
7. Missouri
8. Boston College
9. Arizona State
10. Georgia
11. Hawaii (why the fuck not?)
12. USC
13. Virginia Tech
14. Auburn
15. Florida
16. Michigan
17. UCONN
18. Clemson
19. Tennessee
20. Texas
21. Boise State
22. Alabama
23. BYU
24. Wake Forest
25. Kentucky

College Football Uber Alles

-Dennis Dixon is getting ready to crank dat Heisman trophy after he takes it to Arizona State.
-Knowshon Moreno is still banging your girlfriend and you are still high fiving him for it......
-too bad Auburn will be putting his ass into the ground.
-Kansas is for real, so is UConn. who fucking knew?
-Ohio State is still not getting any love from me. i think about 8 teams in the SEC could beat them.
-Matt Flynn sucks.
-with South Florida on the quick fade, that Auburn loss isn't looking nearly as good.
-MB may very well nut on himself if Bama pulls this shit off.
-can we stop hearing about LSU's defense now?
-apparently Texas only plays football in the 4th quarter of games.
-i can't remember enjoying another team's misery nearly as much as i am enjoying Notre Dame in 2007. way to go Navy.
-so much for Bama. at this point i'm convinced that LSU is the luckiest team on earth.

Suicide Watch Week 10

this weekend Auburn gets a nice break from that grueling SEC schedule when Division IAA, Tennessee Tech comes to town for a good old fashioned mauling. with any luck this game is over by the first quarter and Auburn can let freshman QB Kodi Burns play as much as possible and the rest of the starters get rested up for the Georgia game next week. i honestly have no real thoughts on this game other than i want them to get out without any more injuries to the defence and also it would be nice to win by about 70.

potential for tragedy: -10 (sorry Michigan, Auburn doesn't lose to cupcakes...unless it's Mississippi State....Damn You CROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

method of suicide: set yourself on fire because you are useless and worthless and your program is a fucking joke and your coach is getting murdered after the game if you lose to a bullshit team like this.

THE NFLs Week 8 (your team sucks...except for the Pats and Colts)

-they haven't even played the game yet and i'm already sick of Colts/Patriots...must be that ESPN runs everything into the ground or something.
-the whole issue of the Patriots running up the score against the Redskins can easily be explained, obviously coach Belichick was playing someone who had the Redskins defence on their fantasy team and he was just trying to put them in negative points.
-Favre is still good. or at least better than 90% of the rest of the trash QBs currently taking up valuable caproom and roster spots on most all NFL teams.
-The Steelers look like the snake in the grass that could take out either the Colts or Patriots in the playoffs.
-my fantasy team lost by 1 fucking point. we've lost 3 out of our last 4 games to drop to 5-3. where did the domination of the Thug Apologists go?!?!
-for some reason i watched to Giants vs Dolphins game in London. what a shitty way to try and sell the great American game to the UK. worst fucking football game not involving the Atlanta Falcons that i've seen in ages. i guess McFadden is gonna be rocking those Dolphin colors next year. which probably means the Falcons will roll with Brohm.
-The Falcons lose to their bye week. it's been a rough year.

If You Don't Knowshon Then You Better Ask Somebody

if you have a girlfriend, wife, sister, or MILF who inhabits the town of Athens, GA and it's surrounding areas, then you should beware of UGA Runningback Knowshon Moreno as he will be laying some serious pipe down on the Athens areas hoes for the next 3-4 years and you unfortunately will be dishing out high fives to him.

Useless Blogpoll Week 9

A Lifetime of Defeats Week 9 Top 25

1. LSU
2. Oregon
3. Ohio State
4. Boston College
5. Oklahoma
6. West Fucking Virginia
7. Arizona State
8. Kansas?!?!?
9. Missouri
10. Hawaii
11. Texas
12. Georgia
13. USC
14. Auburn
15. Virginia Tech
16. Alabama
17. Michigan
18. Florida
19. UConn?!?!
20. South Florida
21. Boise State
22. Clemson
23. Tennessee
24. Wake Forest
25. South Carolina

college football is crazy. who knows who's gonna win this shit? in all honesty this was probably the least wild weekend so far of the 2007 season. Oregon put it to USC and proved that they are the second best team in the nation who is a fumble into the endzone away from being perfect. right now Oregon and LSU both feel like they are on a crash course to the national title game....with those pesky Buckeyes standing in the way. if Michigan ends up winning the Big 10 i'm sure they are praying they don't have to face the Ducks again in the Rose Bowl. that shit could be hella ugly. If Dennis Dixon was the QB at Texas, Ohio State, or any number of SEC schools he'd be just about ready to crank dat Heisman trophy. instead he is forced to wear the most shameful uniforms in history and just kick your team's ass with the best spread attack in college football (apologies to Pat White and Steve Slaton and the rest of West Fucking Virginia). speaking of WFV...they really reminded Rutgers who the fucking Boss is in the Big East, and it ain't Bruce Springsteen. South Carolina's kicker decided to go ahead and take them out of the SEC East race, which is just as well...LSU would probably rather kill Tennessee in the SEC Title game. Georgia decided to go to Jacksonville and play an actual football game against the Gators. if you don't Knowshon then you better ax somebody. and Ohio State put Joe Pa a little closer to death. fucking Ohio State.

Boston College Wins! Noone in Boston Cares.

BC goes into Blacksburg and pulls off a comeback win thanks to Matt Ryan's arm. of course nobody in New England was watching that game cuz they were all too busy watching the Sox beat the Rockies. being the number 2 team in the country but playing in a town that only cares about pro sports most suck. i mean they've had a good team for the past few years but they don't have any fans except for people who went there. if Boston College wins a National Title and noone hears it, does it make a sound?

Suicide Watch Week 9

it's rebound week for my Auburn Tigers. their winning streak is over, snapped by the freewheeling and extremely lucky LSU Tigers, and so are their chances of winning the SEC West...unless a miracle happens. it's okay. a last second loss at LSU is a hard thing to stomach and i've been pretty much in the dumps ever since, but i'm still proud of the way Auburn has been playing ever since the embarrassing loss to Mississippi State. 9 wins seems pretty realistic at this point...and there was no way i could say that 4 weeks ago.

this week the Tigers are back home and their taking on the Ole' Miss Rebels, technically the worst team in the SEC...although they've played alot of close games and it wouldn't be that surprising if they were able to pull a huge upset and knock off Auburn. it's an early game after a tough loss against a team auburn should have no trouble with...those factors combined haven't always worked out for my Tigers. Auburn's defense should be able to shut down Ole' Miss and the running game should be able to control the clock. don't be surprised if this a close game. Ole' Miss nearly knocked off Alabama and Florida so their shittiness is fairly respectable.

potential for tragedy: 4 (should be an easy win...key word is SHOULD. stranger things have happened though)

method of suicide: blow yourself up. and take as many motherfuckers with you as possible. if you lose this one then it's back to where we started before the winning streak. everything's fucked. jihad jihad.

Sports Moments That Made Me Wish I Was Dead: Number 1

The Jim Leyritz homerun in the 96 World Series.

the most painful moment for me as a baseball fan in my entire life...and possible the thing that helped drive me away from the sport and into the arms of football. The Braves were defending champs and had rallied past the Cardinals in the NLCS and were probably the most talented team of the entire Braves NL East Dynasty. The Braves had won the first two games of the series at Yankee Stadium, and narrowly lost Game 3 in Atlanta. Game 4 appeared to be going to the Braves; the score was 6-0 after the 5th inning. A Braves victory would have given Atlanta a commanding 3-1 series advantage. The Yankees scored three times in the 6th inning, and in the 8th inning, Leyritz hit a 3-run home run to left field to tie the game and cap the Yankee comeback. The home run was hit against Atlanta closer Mark Wohlers and the Yankees eventually won the game 8-6 in 10 innings. I was 17 years old at the time and still a huge baseball fan....but i was never the same after that game and series.

What's Your Fantasy? Week 8

my fantasy football move of the year just got straight jacked by another sucka in my league. frequently arrested, uber talented, and completely retarded Bengals Wideout Chris Henry has been sitting out just waiting for me to pick him up a few weeks before his suspension ends. he was too be the salvation for my piss poor receiving corp (the one that should have Wes Welker...yeah the guy i dropped in favor of Joey Fucking Porter...i AM dumb, yes, very very dumb) and help lead the Thug Apologists to their fantasy league title. oh well, no Chris Henry for me. honestly this really sucks on two levels. number one...we REALLY needed another quality wide receiver. seriously Joey Porter and Bernard Berrian are starting for us. and 2 we needed a straight thug like Henry on our team to prove that they are worth apologizing for. here's to hoping he gets arrested in his first week back and he turns into a non factor anyways.

When Are Those Fuckers gonna get cursed again?

Boston destroyed the Rockies last night. i guess not playing baseball for 8 days might cool off the hottest team in baseball a little bit. if they lose the next game then i'm going ahead and calling this shit over. also when the fuck did Josh Becket turn into Dwight Gooden circa 1986? the Braves should have gotten that kid during the great Florida Marlins Fire Sale part 2: Electric Boogaloo. i'm often amazed at how much i truly don't give a shit about baseball as i get older. The World Series is only a distraction inbetween College/Pro/Fantasy football games.

Who Got Them Heismans? (not another Boston College QB)

Matt Ryan, QB/Only player whose name i know on the number 2 ranked Boston College Golden Eagles. you are right now experiencing the highest level of hype during your career. right now you seem to be the only competent passer in the entire ACC and alot of draft experts are predicting you to be the 1st QB taken in the 2008 draft (let this be a lesson to all QBs...i'm talking to you Colt Brennan and Brian Brohm) get the fuck out of school while you are hot. coming back for your senior year in noble and all that shit but if people are predicting you to be a top 20 pick at the end of your junior season then just go ahead and go pro. coming back to school almost always hurts your draft stock. just ask Leinart and Quinn about that. anyways that was a pointless tangent...Matt Ryan is a good QB and he's playing really well right now. if he can go into Blacksburg and come out with a win then i will consider him a legit Heisman candidate...if he loses then he's out.

Tim Tebow, The Entire Florida Offence Apparently. is Tebow the best player in the SEC since Bo Jackson? that's what this SEC talk radio show was trying to say. i'm not really ready to go their just yet. he's a fucking beast, but he also lost two games to SEC West teams and still has South Carolina and Georgia ahead of him. If Florida wins out and then beats LSU in a rematch for the SEC title then Tebow may be the first Sophomore to take the Heisman home...but i don't really see that happening.

Mike Hart, Michigan RB. Hart sat out last weeks win over Illinois and it was pretty obvious how much he means to that offence if you watched any of that game. if Michigan wins out and Hart has big games against Penn State and Ohio State then you can go ahead and put him down as a lock to win the Heisman. Senior runningback for a traditional power who plays on TV every week and has all the Big 10 homers at ESPN and ABC jacking off over you...yeah that usually equals a Heisman in most years. then Hart gets to go to the NFL and be a non-factor during his career...but hey he'll always have that glorified paper weight to get him through the night.

Darren McFadden is out of it. it's the sad truth. Best player in college football plays on a shitty team. guess he'll just have to be content with all those fucking millions he's getting in the NFL...that league that none of these other assholes will be any good in.

Andre Woodson, Kentucky QB. welcome back to the race, bro. you lost again....but after knocking LSU off and playing so well against Florida in the loss you gotta believe your still in the race. you aren't gonna win it or anything, but a trip to New York is still better than spending a weekend in Lexington waiting for the Bowls to start.

Dennis Dixon, Oregon QB. beat USC and make me a believer. you're the best poor man's Vince Young in college football and your offence is kicking ass and taking names every week. you still have the best highlight of the season...also i promise not to take off any points for that uniform.

if they gave me a Heisman ballot, it would look like this.

1. Tim Tebow, Florida QB
2. Mike Hart, Michigan RB
3. Matt Ryan, Boston College QB
4. Andre Woodson, Kentucky QB
5. Dennis Dixon, Oregon QB

Useless Blogpoll Week 8

A Lifetime of Defeats Week 8 Top 25

1. LSU
2. Ohio State
3. Oklahoma
4. Oregon
5. Boston College
6. West Fucking Virginia
7. Florida
8. USC
9. Arizona State
10. Virginia Tech
11. South Florida
12. Missouri
13. Kentucky
14. Kansas
15. Hawaii
16. Texas
17. California
18. South Carolina
19. Auburn
20. Virginia
21. Georgia
22. Alabama
23. Michigan
24. Rutgers
25. Boise State

this season keeps gettin' weirder and weirder as we go on. will anyone be shocked if we get a Arizona State vs. Kansas national title game? okay, well everyone in the known universe would be surprised...but seriously all the scenarios that could play out in my head when thinking about college football have been all but exhausted at this point. anyways the rankings this week see the LSU Tigers return to the top spot.

Ohio State remains undefeated, but going unbeaten with their schedule so far is about as impressive as saying that Hawaii is undefeated....at this point. The Herbstreitbot will try to tell you otherwise. he's programmed to do that though. it's not his fault. do i think Ohio State is a good team? Of Course. do i think they'd lose to about 5 or six of the top SEC teams? Yes. anyways if Ohio State wins out then i think they should get a shot at the national title again, just don't be surprised if the same results as last year replay themselves.

at this point the match up i'd be most excited to see would be Florida Vs. Oregon in some random BCS bowl that doesn't decide the national title, but makes for some awesome football for people who enjoy points and hate defence. Boston College, Arizona State, and Kansas all remain big question marks until they each defeat someone impressive. Boston College is more than likely going down this week against Virginia Tech...which is just as well considering noone in Boston gives a shit about them anyways and Massholes are already douchebags enough with the Redsox and Patriots and now the Celtics...can we really suffer more of their yankee douchebaggery if their college football team got to play in the National Title game?

This Shit Should NEVER Happen

so during the Saturday Night battle for the SEC West between LSU and Auburn, LSU's superstar tackle Glenn Dorsey got fucked up on an illegal chop block by Auburn freshman lineman Lee Ziemba and Chaz Ramsey. it's one thing to play hard and try and knock a guy out but it's a totally other thing to go after a guy's knee...especially a guy who is gonna be a top 5 pick in the NFL Draft and the leader of the LSU Defense. as an Auburn fan i was totally sickened by the play. it's dirty and it's wrong and it makes the team look like assholes. also it was completely stupid, considering that Dorsey wasn't dominating the game by any means and all it really did was manage to spark the LSU defence to shut down Auburn for most of the second half until the final Auburn drive where they took back the lead. i'm of the opinion that Tubberville should sit both players for a week and that O-Line coach Hugh Nall should be either fined or suspended. This is the kind of bullshit that comes back on you in a big way....Karma is a bitch. if this had been done to Quentin Groves by LSU, i'd have been calling for fucking blood and as a non-thug apologists i can't look the other way and pretend this wasn't a despicable act.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

there are losses, and then there are LOSSES, and then there are soul sucking, spirit crushing, mind destroying, tears of blood inducing losses that make you wish you had grown up with some less stressful interests like model building or kite flying.

goddamn motherfucking LSU! with your fucking ballsy, semi-retarded headcoach, and NCAA 2007 playbook. it's gonna take me a long time to recover from this one.

Suicide Watch Week 8

This is It. The One. The Biggest Game Of The Year. sure there's still Bama and UGA, but those games are just for foolish pride, this game actually means something. Win Saturday Night and the Tigers control their own destiny, an SEC title and a BCS bowl will be in their grasp...ah but this is easier said than done, grasshopper. Sure Auburn is the hottest team in the SEC right now, winning three in a row...two of those on the road. One of those was against a Florida team that nearly took down LSU in Death Valley the next weekend. Auburn's defence is good enough to shutdown an LSU team that has mostly been getting by on pounding the ball....something Auburn does well at stopping (except for the South Florida game). If the Tigers can do to LSU's backfield what it did the Felix Jones and Darren McFadden then they could just walk away with their 5th win in a row and the 1st place spot in the SEC West.

That scenario is what i like to call optimistic. the LSU offence is in no way what i consider the biggest threat to Auburn's bid at an SEC title, it's that fucking defence, lead by Glenn Dorsey. Brandon Cox being destroyed to LSU's front seven or being forced back into his duck and cover mode that resulted in multiple picks against South Florida, or the fumble prone backfield coughing up the ball in the redzone and killing drives are the top 2 ways i could see this game getting out of hand and Auburn finding themselves down big.

Over the past few seasons the LSU/Auburn games have been the best games of the year for either school. LSU has to win this game to keep it's national title hopes alive and nobody strolls into Death Valley during a night game and just beats the Bayou Bengals. the last time these two teams played at LSU it ended in tears for Auburn as kicker John Vaughn missed 5 field goals and the Tigers lost 20-17 in overtime.
here's a nice painful little reminder in case you forgot.


potential for tragedy: this one is a 9 all the way. the way Auburn has been playing should give me alot more hope, but i'm a realist. LSU is fucking good and they DON'T lose night games at home. and there's no way they are losing back to back SEC games...of if they are Les Miles better hope he can still get that Michigan job, cuz they are definently running his ass out of town in Baton Rouge.

method of suicide: slit your wrists and let it flow. your season is over...sure you've still got those fucking rivalry games left, but the big trophy ain't coming home with you, baby.

Bo Knows How To Cheer Me Up

i've been feeling kind of shitty and down today. so i decided to post this random Bo Jackson youtube video to cheer me up.


thanks Bo. you're always there when i need you. i think i'll go play as the 1985 Tigers on NCAA 2008 and run for about 400 yards with you against Georgia.

I'll Never Get That Part Of My Life Back

Watching the Falcons on Monday Night Football (with an episode of Heroes sandwiched in between) might be the most useless and pointless waste of my time that I've committed in many a year. my fantasy football game was pretty much wrapped up with only Morten Anderson left...so there was no real drama in my fantasy game to worry about, and I HATE The Giants with a passion...so watching them pummel Joey Harrington all night was not something I'd enjoy anymore than having to sit through the rape scene in Deliverance. Honestly having a good fantasy team is sadly the only thing that will keep me interested in an NFL season that is obviously gonna end with another fucking Patriots championship. there's really only so much of that i can tolerate.

ten things i'd rather watch than the Falcons play football

1. South Asian snuff film
2. wild dogs attacking a baby
3. a musical
4. National League baseball
5. the Oxygen channel
6. the male nude scenes from OZ
7. mexican soap operas
8. fattie porn
9. the 700 club
10. any film starring Meg Ryan

Will Muschamp Owns The Night, Motherfucker!

i stole this from Every Day Should Be Saturday, who got in from someone else, who stole it from youtube, who took it from ESPN. regardless it's about Auburn and includes the use of the word motherfucker. it felt appropriate to repost here.


I Heart Will Muschamp. if Tommy really does leave for Texas A&M they should just go ahead and make Muschamp the head coach.

THE NFLs Week 6 (Purple Jesus Owns The Bears)

-i think Adrian Peterson just scored another touchdown on the Bears. seriously, dude had 224 yards rushing AND 3 touchdowns against the once mighty Bears D. the same defence that shut down LT in week 1. and i got this guy in 4th round of my fantasy league draft. Reggie who? Purple Jesus owns your ass.
-so do we just go ahead and give the Patriots their fucking trophy after completely destroying Dallas? The Cowboys managed to keep it interesting in the first half, but Wes Welker decided to make me pay for dropping him from my fantasy team by outplaying both T.O. and Randy Moss. what the fuck?!?! In the second half the Patriots broke it open and even racked up a couple of style points at the end. i mean seriously, they were passing in the 4th quarter with a huge lead. are they Florida in the 90s?
-Vince Young got hurt. if he's out for any length of time then the Titans season is done.
-Jason Campbell continues to be a better draft pick than either Alex Smith or Aaron Rogers. War Eagle bitches. unfortunately Santana Moss can't hold onto the fucking ball and the Redskins ended up losing to Greenbay. i have a feeling these two are going to meet again in the 1st round of the playoffs.
-The Bengals SUCK....Alot.
-The Dolphins and the Rams both suck even more. It's gonna be difficult for the Falcons to earn that top pick in the NFL draft. With the WORST teams in the NFL all having really good RBs there's a possibility that whoever gets the top pick in the draft this year will have the best backfield in the league if they pickup McFadden. just think, Steven Jackson, Reggie Bush, or Ronnie Brown could be splitting carries with the best back in college football next season...thereby diminishing their fantasy numbers and also making them all ask to be traded.
-The Saints finally won a game. the City of New Orleans is finally healed.
-The Chargers are back. fucking Chargers. i guess team Nike is earning their pay after all. Norv will fuck this all up soon i'm sure.
-my fantasy football team is 5-1. how's your team? oh Kurt Warner got hurt and you lost by 2 points. that's so sad. yeah you suck at Fantasy Football. it's okay, i suck at Legend Of Zelda. everything evens out.

Useless Blogpoll Week 7

A Lifetime of Defeats Week 7 Top 25

1. _____________
2. Ohio State
3. South Florida
4. Oklahoma
5. Boston College
6. LSU
7. South Carolina
8. Oregon
9. West Fucking Virginia
10. Kentucky
11. California
12. Florida
13. USC
14. Virginia Tech
15. Hawaii
16. Arizona State
17. Auburn
18. Missouri
19. Tennessee
20. Texas
21. Kansas
22. Texas Tech
23. Georgia
24. Cincinnati
25. Michigan
26. Virginia

when the Sex Pistols' "God Save The Queen" topped the British charts the during the Queen's jubilee in '77, the charts decided to keep it from officially being number one by not having a number 1 slot. that's exactly how i am keeping my poll for this week. i refuse to rate an Ohio State who hasn't beaten anyone, a South Florida team that wears those fucking horrible unis, and a Boston College team that plays in the weakass ACC as my number one. it's not gonna happen. i can't do it. call me a pussy, but anyone who says any of those teams are the best in the country is smoking some serious shit...it doesn't matter anyone, they're all gonna lose anyways, so fuck it. this poll means nothing...all fucking polls are meaningless...if there ever was a year that screamed, "we need a fucking playoff" then it's this year. South Florida and their ugly ass uniforms are #2 in the BCS poll, Ohio State could easily run the table in a terrible Big 10 and then end up getting crushed in another BCS title game, and Oklahoma feels like the team who has the easiest road to the title...and we know that = they'll get beaten by Kansas in the Big 12 title game. whatever, i give up trying to make predictions. blah blah blah, Michigan is back in the top 25. i hope they fucking beat Ohio State this year.

Auburn and Arkansas 2007, setting the SEC back 20 years

Dear Arkansas Razorbacks,

Sorry that we just got your coach fired. Sorry we just ended your prized runningback's chances at winning the Heisman Trophy. Sorry we just sent you to the Libery Bowl...guess that's called revenge for wrecking our season last year. No, you can't have our coach.

peace.

love,

Auburn

Anyways, another fucking amazing performance by the Auburn Tigers defence gives me hope that the SEC title is still very much a possibility...and most all of those kids are gonna be back next year. LSU losing to Kentucky makes next Saturday the biggest game of the year. WAR FUCKING EAGLE!

Also, I Heart Wes Byrum.

Suicide Watch Week 7

It's midway thought the college football season. Auburn finds themselves 4-2 and on a roll after a miserable start to the 2007 season. The Tigers are on a 3 game winning streak, including back to back wins in the SEC and are also back in the Top 25 for the first time since dropping out of the rankings with their overtime loss to South Florida. in retrospect they've lost to a top 10 team and a surprising Mississippi State squad that's probably gonna end up in a bowl. these are all the positive ways at looking at what's unfolded over the 1st half...but you know me, i'm never too positive. in all honesty Auburn should be AT LEAST 5-1 and ranked in the top 10 or better yet undefeated and playing for a shot at the National Championship...but this is the hand we are dealt. after the rough start i'm just happy to be ranked and relevant again. an added bonus to the last few weeks of good fortune has been the poor play of both Georgia and Alabama. with Bama completely dominating recruiting in the state of Alabama this year (thanks to Sith Lord Saban and his mind tricks) Auburn really needs to finish strong and snatch up as many top prospects as possible. From here on out it feels like Auburn could beat just about any team they should have to face and with the exception of LSU i don't see why they couldn't win out and finish the regular season at 9-3 and earn a New Years bowl bid. Capital One Bowl anyone?

One of the biggest and scariest obstacles to salvaging this season is about to rear it's ugly head this Saturday in the form of the Arkansas Razorbacks. Last season the Tigers were humming along, ranked number 2 in the nation after knocking off LSU and South Carolina when they ran into the buzzsaw that was the Razorbacks. Darren McFadden crashed through Auburn's front 7 like they were made of paper and racked 145 yards and a touchdown and kicked his Heisman campaign into gear. it was complete domination from start to finish....and then there was this fucking play:

that's called insult to injury. after that it was basically over as the Razorbacks rolled to a 27-10 beatdown of Auburn at Jordan-Hare stadium thus ruining the Tigers best chance at a Title in years. Auburn was able to bounce back and beat Florida a few weeks later but it was never really the same after that. While Arkansas managed to somehow win the SEC West despite not actually having anyone who could play quarterback and pretty much brought college football back about 4 decades.

and so here we are, a year later. Arkansas find themselves 0-2 in the SEC and under a cloud of controversy. Houston Nutt is almost definitely out the door unless the Hogs can knock off Auburn and LSU and somehow win the SEC West again. I would love nothing more than for the Tigers to get revenge on Arkansas and drive that nail into Houston Nutts coffin with a huge blowout win at their stadium. But these are difficult times in the college football universe. up is down, right is left, Stanford beat USC, a Florida quarterback is one of my favorite players. Nothing Makes Sense. that being said, Arkansas is ALWAYS scary. They have a two headed beast at runningback and they run the fucking Wildcat or Wildhog or whatever the hell it's called when that stick McFadden at QB and just let him get all LT in your ass.

Potential for Tragedy: a solid 5. Arkansas is always a tough game for Auburn. They have the best backfield in college football, but that's about it. stop the run and the Tigers will win....but that's easier said than done when you are trying to stop Superman.

Method of Suicide: HIT BY A MOTHERFUCKING TRAIN, D-Mac is coming and he's running you over.

I Know It's Over...And It Never Really Began

Braves GM John Schuerholz is calling it a career with Atlanta...at least as the General Manager. yep kids, it's all over now except for the crying. expect NO BIG MOVES in the offseason to help the club take that next step towards reclaiming the division. Bobby Cox is more than likely in his last season as well, along with John Smoltz. Chipper is getting up in years. The pitching ain't what it used to be. No need to sugar coat this one. the BRAVES ARE DONE! they're owned by a soulless corporation that isn't interested in spending the money that would need to be spent to bring in some impact players and make this a dominate team again and without Schuerholz around to pull some magic out of his ass the Braves are gonna fall back into the pack of also rans on a regular basis. the last 2 years will become the norm. Atlanta is FUCKED!

even this mixtape of Braves glory year highlights can't cheer me up.

Damn it Youtube. you have failed me.

14 division titles, 1 world series win...the winningest team of the 1990s. alot of great memories. Schuerholz took the laughing stock of the National League and built it into the dominate club. it woulda been nice if the Braves could've maybe won another World Series or two...but i'm not greedy. Thanks alot John. Atlanta will miss you....well okay nobody in Atlanta cares about the Braves cuz they're all a bunch of Cubs and Red Sox fans, but still Braves fans all over the South let a single tear roll down their cheek before remembering that it's fucking college football season and who gives a shit about baseball anyways.

What's Your Fantasy? Week 6

after starting off 4-0, the Thug Apologists hit a huge brick wall. Adrian Peterson and Carson Palmer found themselves on bye weeks and unable to help the cause, Joseph Addai found himself injured (although his replacement Kenton Keith produced big fantasy numbers and receives my fantasy player of the week award), and out pitiful receiving corp produced exactly ZERO FUCKING POINTS. Jay Cutler did jack a shit except throw some picks. and Julius Jones couldn't find the endzone and give us a victory because Tony Romo was too busy turning the ball over and not allowing the Cowboys to have any kind of a running game. and yet still we only lost by a few points. which tells me 2 things...1) Our Fantasy Team Rules and 2) This Football Season makes no sense at all. honestly we shoulda lost by about 50 points in reality. but regardless a close loss is still a fucking loss....just ask the Florida Gators. this week for my team to bounce back i need some production from my receivers. Deion Branch is out, so that means Joey Porter stumbles his way into the starting lineup. also Trent Green is DONE in Miami which means Chris Chambers went from being my most productive wideout to a huge question mark. Carson and Adrian are back, but the Colts are on a bye which = i'm still down a star runningback. basically it could be another damn loss unless one of my crappy receivers has a huge week or Carson puts up another one of those crazy 40 point performances. but all is not lost. there's a Thug that both MB and I routinely apologize for who is coming back from a suspension that could save our receiving corp...if he doesn't get arrested first.

This might be the 1st time i actually feel bad for Vick. nah just kidding.

At this point it's really just piling on. kinda like when Spurrier was still coaching Florida and would have has 2nd string QB throwing touchdown passes in the 4th quarter of a 50 point blowout. anyways, i guess Vick better hope that the Arena League is gonna let him play whenever the hell he gets out of prison cuz the Falcons are about to take 19.7 million outta his motherfucking ass. granted i have ZERO sympathy for Michael Vick and i honestly hope he never plays football again and outside of the times i need to use him on Madden, he really serves no useful function in society...other than giving insane people something to use as an imaginary symbol of racial injustice....but seriously he has to pay back 20 million dollars of income he's already earned?!? really?!! the NFL fucking blows, they treat their players like garbage and if you fuck up they could honestly give a shit. like the Falcons actually need that 20 million dollars. i mean if they were gonna take all that cash and donate it to charity or to the humane society then i'd see this as a positive...but you know it's just gonna go back in Arthur Blank's pocket and i say FUCK that guy.

Who Got Them Heismans? (take a knee, son.)

Young Master Tebow, QB/Runningback/Only Player Worth A Shit on Florida. You fought a battle that Conan would be proud of. Unfortunately crying loses you points on my fake Heisman ballot, so does losing.

Our Heisman frontrunner, Arkansas Runnigback/Living God Darren McFadden takes on my Auburn Tigers. if he can tear through their D-line like paper plates and pull a win outta his ass i might just go ahead and call this whole race off.

Pat White is playing well, but also playing crippled. if he misses too many games he might just have to wait till next year to collect his hardware.

Dear John David Booty,

You will be getting no mentions for Heisman Trophies, or 1st round draft picks, or any of that other shit that Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart received while as USC because you suck. Losing to Stanford, Oregon State, and UCLA tends to take a little shine off that Trojan Helmet.

Love

Asshole Bloggers

Colt Brennan, where did you and your amazing stats go? You shoulda went pro last year bro! i know those island bitches do things to a young man's mind but you are losing millions by going back to school and proving that "yes i am a system QB" when you sit on the sidelines as your back up QB throws about 5 touchdowns a game in your place.

Andre Woodson, you are out of the race until you beat Florida, Georgia, or LSU. sorry dude, Kentucky QBs only get love when they win.

if they gave me a Heisman ballot, it would look like this.

1. Darren McFadden, Arkansas RB
2. Mike Hart, Michigan RB
3. DeSean Jackson, Cal WR
4. Pat White, West Virginia QB
5. Matt Ryan, Boston College QB
6. Tim Tebow, Florida QB
7. Dennis Dixon, Oregon QB

See You Later Dude

The Yankees lost. A-Rod is about to skip town. a bunch of those overpaid and under performing douchebags are probably gonna get traded and best of all Joe Torre is gonna get fired. The Yankees are about to turn into a pile of smoldering ruins, normally i'd be happy about such developments...but really i just have alot of dread because ESPN is about to milk the tits of sorrow over the demise of New York for the next several months until next spring. Anyways here's to you Cleveland. i hope you guys sweep those fucking Red Sox and then win a thrilling 7 game series against Colorado. i'll bet you fucking Lebron will be at those games. i mean anybody who claims his favorite teams growing up were the Cowboys, Yankees, and Bulls is a fucking frontrunner anyways and if the Indians could bring a World Series to Cleveland i'm sure he'd rock one of your racist hats for all to see.

THE NFLs Week 5 (i wanna be a Cowboy)

-if you needed proof that god is in fact a Cowboys fan then you got it last night. either that or maybe he just hates Buffalo. it's been a really long time since i've watched a team get so completely dominated in a game and then pull a victory out of their ass at the last second. actually who am i kidding? Auburn does that bullshit all the time.
-Tony Romo proved that he is the NEXT Brett Favre...only he's Favre from just a few years ago when he was tossing 20 picks a year and losing the Packers more games than he was winning them....
-which btw, is exactly what he did against the Bears last Sunday Night. can we get off the Packers bandwagon now? they have NO running game and a bunch of wide receivers that couldn't even start on my crappy fantasy receiving corp.
-and speaking of crappy fantasy receivers, i got exactly ZERO points outta Calvin Johnson, Deion Branch, and Chris Chambers last weekend. i mean for fuck's sake, i'm thinking of starting Joey Porter next week. what is wrong with me? anyways my shitty receiver play brought my fantasy record to 4-1 and a tie for 1st place. Kenton Keith ended up nearly being my Savior. i'm sort of of the opinion that anyone can get plugged in at runningback in Indy and become a productive player.
-which is apparently the same fucking attitude that Denver has every season. oh yeah, how'd that work out for you guys against the Chargers?
-The Falcons still suck, last weekend was obviously a mirage...unfortunately the Dolphins, Bills, Saints, Rams, and Eagles might all suck even more. come on guys, get it together. you're gonna have to work hard to get that top pick. WE NEED MCFADDEN, goddamnit!!!
-let's hear it for former Auburn QB and current Redskins' signal caller Jason Campbell, who is turning out to be a better and more reliable player than Alex Smith and Aaron Rogers (who is fairness still hasn't gotten to play and probably never will). you do me proud Jason. War Eagle!

The Play Of The Year...that noone gives a shit about

Akron pulls a Stanford/Cal on our asses. check this shit out.

just in case you were wondering, this IS the best way to get fired if you are a special teams coach.

Jacob Hester For Heisman

i think he just rushed for another 1 yard gain and a 1st down. seriously though, is their a more balls out performance than LSU's final drive to beat Florida last Saturday Night? Auburn's freshman kicker hitting two game winners was pretty fucking sweet, but Jacob Hester proved that being a sorta slowish white fullback doesn't mean you can't be the motherfucking hero of the most important game of your career and blast through Florida's D-Line like you were crashing through paper on 4 and 1's all night long. it's too bad this kid id married, cuz the pussy river would be flowing freely to Mr. Hester's apartment for years after that game winning touchdown. anyway, Cheers to the Fullback. he's on my Heisman list for a week.

Useless Week 6 Poll

A Lifetime Of Defeats Week 6 Top 25

1. LSU
2. California
3. Ohio State
4. Oklahoma
5. Boston College
6. South Florida
7. Oregon
8. South Carolina
9. West Fucking Virginia
10. Florida
11. USC
12. Missouri
13. Virginia Tech
14. Kentucky
15. Hawaii
16. Arizona State
17. Auburn
18. Cincinatti
19. Tennessee
20. Illinois
21. Texas
22. Florida State
23. Georgia
24. Kansas
25. Purdue

the fact that USC lost to Stanford, at home, should drop them completely out of the top 25 in most cases. but even i am guilty of the stupid Pete Carrol bias that ESPN has. instead i just move them out of the top 10. oh, but you know they're gonna lose another game. karma is a bitch. honestly this is exactly like Michigan losing to Appy State and dropping like a stone, never to heard from again, except it was fucking worse because USC was playing a team that Appalachian State could probably beat and it's the middle of the fucking season. regardless, USC stays in the top 25...for now.
I don't believe Cal is the second best team in the nation, i still think Oregon should have beaten them...neither of those teams can play any defence. both of them would lose to LSU.
Ohio State is slowly climbing back on top. this Ohio State team is alot like the one that beat Miami in the National Title game several years back. Great defence, solid running game, no name QB. watch out for those Buckeyes.
Wisconsin sucks. i hated even having them ranked in my stupid poll all year. i'm glad Zooker went out and kicked their ass. i'm not tanking them again until they beat Michigan or Ohio State. fuck the Big 10. Michigan barely beat Eastern Michigan last weekend. what the fuck is wrong with that conference. they play football like it's still 1987.
speaking of the Zooker, is their any doubt in your mind that Illinois is totally gonna win the Big 10? ok that's npt actually happening, but i can see these suckers landing in a New Year's bowl game, probably against Auburn. can you so Capital One Bowl?
i refuse to drop Florida out of the top 10, despite losing two in a row because they played LSU tough as hell, probably should've won, and will most likely run the table from here on out and win the SEC east....but then again stranger things have happened. it really could be South Carolina's year. South Carolina???!!! what the fuck?!?
losing to Mississippi State was about the most embarassing thing i can remeber happening to Auburn in several years...that being said it might have been the best thing to happen to this young team. i won't be shocked at all if they run the table and win the SEC...okay that is a lie, i would be shocked. i won't be shocked if they end up with 9 wins though. this weekends Arkansas matchup might be the quickest game all season with both teams running the ball about 80 times. it'll be like watching ESPN classic matchups of Georgia and Auburn playing each other in the 80s.

Jim Harbaugh Has Destroyed The Fabric Of Reality

STANFORD beat USC...in LA!!! ESPN now weeps tears of blood. at this point i could believe that South Florida is gonna beat Kansas for the national title. my brain is caving in on itself. FACT: i KNOW NOTHING about college football. also i no longer feel anymore sorrow about Auburn losing to Mississippi State.

a quick question: what's worse, USC losing to Standford or Michigan losing to Appy State? normally i'd take alot of joy in the fact USC has lost in such embarrassing fashion, but honestly all it does in start the Herbstreitbot on his Ohio State lovefest from here on out. but anyway enough of that dread for now. instead let's give some love to Stanford.


this one's for you

Auburn has their Mojo back...for now.

In spite of their "throwback" uniforms that made them look like an alternate reality Ohio State, Auburn completely and totally dominated Vanderbilt today, cuz...well cuz Vanderbilt is fucking Vanderbilt. Brad Lester made a very welcome return, scoring two touchdowns and reminding me that i love him and have missed him. Tate and Fannin both contributed with touchdowns of their own and establishes the Tigers as the three headed monster I'd hoped they were going to be at the beginning of the season. Brandon Cox managed the game...which is all he needs to do with a running game like the one they have. If the Tigers can keep playing like this i believe they can run the table and finish 7-1 in the SEC...granted that is probably a pipe dream and i'm sure that LSU will beat them, especially if they lose to Florida tonight...but hey man, the way this fucking season started i'm just amazed that my hope has been revived.

Suicide Watch Week 6

so last weekend was great. The Tigers played their best game of the season, knocked off the number 3 team in the nation, in the fucking swamp where Florida NEVER loses and possibly saved the season....but now it's back to Earth. luckily the team waiting to greet Auburn upon arrival to the blue orb is a friendly pseudo-cupcake of a conference foe named the Vanderbilt Commodores...but WAIT, this ain't your daddies Vanderbilt team, this one beat Georgia AT Athens last season and has already won 3 games including a blowout against Ole' Miss. The Commodores come into Jordan-Hare with the best wide receiver in the SEC and one of the better QBs, there defence is holding teams under 20 points (with exception to BAMA...their only loss). in most years you can just look at the schedule and go ahead and count Vandy as a win...but this isn't just any year. This is the CRAZY year in college football where Division I AA teams go beat Michigan at home, where 5 top ten teams all lose in the same weekend, where up is down, right is left, where Mississippi State beats Auburn at home, where Kentucky gets ranked in the top 10 (for a week anyways), where noone at USC is gonna win the Heisman, where ANYTHING feels like it could happen. so don't look past Vandy cuz Vandy might just come into town and pick your pocket.

anyway that's that's what the paranoid man who lives in my head tells me. the reality of the situation is that Auburn finally remembered that they win games in two parts, RUNNING and DEFENCE. i expect both Ben Tate and Mario Fannin to crack 100 yards and Brad Lester to get a couple of touches and maybe a touchdown after coming back from his suspension. Brandon Cox job on Saturday should consist of about 50 handoffs and about 10 play action passes for moderate gains. no need to get all cute and fuck things up. I'm looking at you Al Borges. in the end i fully believe that this season turned a corner last Saturday night and that Auburn might be able to win the rest of their games..with exception to LSU and wind up 6-2 in the SEC with a trip to the Outback or Capital One Bowl, which qualifies as not that bad when you lost two games in a row at home just a few weeks ago. but honestly that's jumping way too far into the future. right now I'm just gonna take every win i can get.


Potential for Tragedy: 3.5 (when you lose to Mississippi State, AT HOME, you suddenly realize that anything is possible)

Method Of Suicide: shot gun blast to the face that you end up surviving and looking like Arseface