random awesome

i feel your pain, David. click to enlarge for full humor factor.

if there's water on the moon then we should go party there

we're throwing a Rave on the fucking moon to celebrate New Year's 2013. join us.

the moon water is free but you gotta bring your own glow sticks.

UGA gonna Floss They Capes

so my old man sends me lots of Auburn related junk that he finds on the internet and this is something i got this morning that made me giggle. this is written by a UGA fan about his own current distaste with how things are going for the Dawgs and it's full of the sort of self-loathing and mockery that i enjoy. i'd love to give credit to whoever wrote this but i haven't the slightest idea.

This is a rant to an Auburn fan asking about tickets to the game in Athens. I asked if I should try to get a ticket before I get to Athens....

"I think you should watch the first 5 min of the game from the bridge and

then get a ticket for $3. Here's how I see it shaking out:

- Georgia rushes onto the field w/ black capes this time. Yes, capes. Black

ones.

- Georgia wins toss. Defers to 2nd half. UGA captains skip and zig zag back

to the sideline to "floss they capes"

- UGA Kickoff out of the endzone (thank God)

- 5 play AU touchdown drive. B Evans gives up big play touchdown pass b/c he

stepped on his cape and fell down. Extra Point good.

Reshad Jones does the "Superman" dance off the field laughing the entire way.

- AU Kickoff 8 yards into endzone. We bring it out anyway because, hell,

we're wearing black capes. Tackled at the 12.

- 1st and 10: Toss sweep to Ealey (3yds - really 1, but he gets a bonus 2 for

the black eye patch he's wearing w/ his cape courtesy of Brandon Spikes).

- 2nd and 9: Cox throws ball 3 yards behind AJ's crossing route. AJ makes an

incredible catch as he dives back against his momentum and lays out

hoizontally. He was able to make the catch because he decided against

wearing the stupid f*cking black cape. 5 yard completion. Wait, called back due to the

first of twelve penalties we will have before halftime.

2nd and 19: Draw play to Richard Samuel. Enough said.

3rd and 16: Auburn sends 14 people after Cox. He makes an attempt to throw

the ball out of bounds, but steps on his cape which restricts his cannon of an

arm. His ball comes up 12 yards short of the sideline, but it's up in the

air so long that one of the 14 AU blitzers is able to get under it and haul

it to the endzone for another AU touchdown.

14-0 with 11:48 to go in the first quarter.

- You trade ticket w/ scalper for extra beer in your pocket. You pay him $3

for his cape. "

A Public Service Announcement

Hey Recruit,

Were you a Husky boy as a child?

Do you consider yourself a 4th mealer or a 5th mealer?

If someone was trying to take your food would you be able to knock that person down with ease?

Do you enjoy the color orange? Does it make you think of Halloween which makes you think of candy?

Would sex with a woman be considered a lethal act?

Would you be able to engage in physical activity for several hours, once a week, without dying?

if you answered YES to most or all of these then Come on down to Auburn, Alabama and become a Tiger. it's in the South, so you know the food is good.

POSITIVE VIBES FRIDAY 4 CHRIS TODD

i took a nap, i woke up, i checked all the blogs and noteworthy Auburn sites and Chris Todd IS ACTUALLY the Auburn QB and it wasn't a dream and Tony Franklin didn't secretly steal Gus Malzahn's identity. so that leaves me with no other choice....

(no, not a coup)

A LIFETIME OF DEFEATS FULLY ENDORSES THE 1 ARMED ZOMBIE CHRIS TODD FOR QB.


GO! FIGHT! WIN!

EAT BRAINS!!!

WAR EAGLE!!!

more Lulz

Tom Brady's Knee Destroyed The Denver Broncos

who could've predicted that during week 1 of the 2008 season when Tom Brady went down with his season ending injury that the butterfly effect would result in the Denver Broncos turning into one of the worst teams in the NFL?

in the aftermath of Brady's injury we saw the emergence of Matt Lienart's backup QB at USC, Matt Cassell, morphing into a competent NFL signal caller (thanks to having the greatest wide receiver in NFL history to throw to, a veteran offensive line blocking for him, & explosive playmakers surrounding him) which in turn made Patriots' offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels seem like some kind of genius (despite the fact that the Patriots haven't skipped a beat no matter who is calling plays) and making both of them the hottest commodities in the NFL this offseason, because the NFL is much like a 12 year old girl who gets crushes on the next hot boy at the drop of a hat.

elsewhere the Denver Broncos, after having a disappointing collapse at the end of the season that resulted in them missing the playoffs, decided to fire their longtime headcoach who'd won them TWO FUCKING SUPERBOWLS just a decade ago because they were sick of him always trading away their draft picks and trying to turn guys off the street into 1000 yard rushers instead of just getting a real runningback.

so with the Broncos now minus a future Hall Of Fame coach they decided to hire the HotShit McDaniels and have him bring his explosive Patriots offense to Denver...despite the fact that Denver already had a good offense and it was their lousy defense that kept them out of the playoffs. but hey...the Broncos were set to be great on offense with a Pro-Bowl Quarterback in Jay Cutler and a Pro-Bowl wide receiver in Brandon Marshall...so bringing in McDaniels would probably just make this lethal offense like SUPERFUCKING WOLVERINE LEVEL LETHAL. but then, like all true geniuses, Josh McDaniel decided he'd try and secretly make a trade for his system backup QB because obviously Matt Cassell is a better QB than Jay Cutler. sadly this trade didn't not work out and much DRAMA ensued and instead McDaniels was left with this fucking guy as his franchise QB:

but hey, at least they've still got Brandon Marshall. right? No. what? he wants a trade out of Denver too? hmmmm....well look on the bright side, at least Oakland isn't the laughing stock of the AFC West anymore.

After Ruining Nebraska Football, Music Was The Obvious Next Career Move

the 2008 Winner for album title i wish i'd thought up belongs to Bill Callahan for his new record, Sometimes I Wish We Were An Eagle. the album cover ain't that bad either.

no this isn't really THAT Bill Callahan...it's instead the former frontman of the group Smog...but we can still pretend that the former Nebraska coach gave up on confusing college kids with his overly complex version of the West Coast offense and instead recorded a mellow indie rock record to bear his soul to the world.

Auburn Spring Game Scoring System Makes My Head All Hurting

so from the SUPER SECRET AUBURN SPRING PRACTICES OF GENE CHIZIK comes the Auburn Spring Game scoring system.

via the Goldmine.

The offense will get 6 points for a touchdown, 3 points for a field goal, 2 points for an ``explosive play'' (15 yards or more), 2 points for three consecutive first downs; and 1 point for a kick conversion.

The defense will get 7 points for a touchdown, 5 points for a turnover, 4 points for a sack, 3 points for a blocked field goal, 2 points for three-and-outs, 2 points for a tackle-for-a-loss and 1 point for a blocked PAT.

that's more confusing and convoluted than my fucking fantasy league!

College Football Uniform Dos and Don'ts

this is of course ripped off from Vice Magazine's classic DOs & Don'ts section.
DO

when your football program sucks this bad, it helps to hide that in some snazzy powder blue and gold uniforms. you may not be going to any Rose Bowls anytime soon, but those colors might just get you laid.

DON'T

who thought shit brown and banana yellow was a good color combo? i couldn't even wear something like this if i was trying to be ironic.

DO

hey just because you can't beat a team with a winning record that isn't called Navy doesn't mean you have to look like shit while doing it.

DON'T

someone needs to keep My Chemical Romance away from Nike's top secret uniform development program. do these wings make me look gay? do i really have to answer that?

DO

not only does Austin have a really awesome music scene, tons of hot co-eds, and is the filming place for Friday Night Lights...but the Longhorns have the sweetest fucking uniforms in all of football.

DON'T

am i the only one who finds it ironic that a team who plays in Tampa Bay looks like their uniforms were thrown together by a deranged methhead at the last minute?

Much Respect To Omar Epps

i really don't think that Omar Epps has gotten enough credit for what he's been able to accomplish with the Pittsburgh Steelers. i mean this whole time he thought he has been filming the Program Part 2 but instead he's led the Steelers to the Super Bowl...and he still makes time for House! the guy works hard to say the least. i wonder if Cuba Gooding Jr will suit up for the Buzzsaw this weekend and do his best to one up Omar?

Is It Really Over?!

has it really been 8 years? i feel so old. so long douchebags. thanks for all the war and poverty and stuff.

Some final LOL-ish thoughts about the Sugar Bowl

little did Coach Vader know the game was being played on Endor...

later that night John Parker Wilson's helmet was used for a drum after the Utes feasted upon his entrails.


yeah i know...36-0. but you gotta take some enjoyment somewhere.

In AUBURN NEWS

i may have been insanely pissed about Auburn hiring Gene Chizik but so far he's put together a pretty fucking awesome offensive staff. first with the Malzahn hire and then landing a great running back coach in Curtis Luper from Oklahoma State (who was lead the Big 12 in rushing the past 3 years), and now Trooper Taylor joins the team. he's a hell of a recruiter and a great receivers coach which is something we've needed these past few seasons more than anything. hopefully he can school Billings, Hawthorne, and Slaughter on the fine art of catching the football and make those 4 stars that came attached to all their names worth it. War Eagle indeed.

where can i get one of these?

Go Ask a Yoda