MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF 2012 (and some of my least favorite too)

THE BEST FUCKING MOVIES OF 2012

Django Unchained: at this point you either love Quentin Tarantino or you fucking hate him...or maybe you don't even give shit (have an opinion about something!). I am a shameless QT apologist. Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction both came out when i was in highschool and had a huge influence on my taste in movies ever after. Tarantino knows what the fuck i like. Django might just be his messiest most over the top movie yet. it has literally everything you could possibly want from Tarantino: buckets and bucket and buckets of blood, Samuel L. Jackson reminding people he used to be an awesome actor, Don Johnson as a racist Colonel Sanders, Jamie Foxx killing the fuck out of everyone, people getting blown up by dynamite, Tarantino trying to act, and a bowing horse. i love it. LOVED it. will probably go see it 2 or 3 more times in the theater. it is the most Tarantino movie Tarantino has ever made. 

Moonrise Kingdom: at this point you either love Wes Anderson or you hate him (wait...didn't i just say the same thing about Tarantino) because he's been making basically the same movie over and over again...but so did Woody Allen. so get over it. i am sucker for his meticulous little cartoon worlds of bad fathers, odd children, impossibly detailed sets, 60s folk soundtracks, and upper middle class white people problems. i loved every second of Moonrise Kingdom because it was just too cute not to. other than the part where the dog dies. Wes, quit killing dogs damnit! you are bringing me down. 

The Grey: a movie almost no one i know saw. the previews just made it look like Liam Neeson fights wolves! but really it's a movie about death and courage in the face of said death. it's probably Neeson's best performance ever, but no critics seem to give a shit because it came out at the beggining of the year and they all can't remember movies that didn't happen post-thanksgiving when award season rolls around. 

Looper: i am and always will be a sucker for a good sci-fi movie. does all the time travel shit make any sense? who gives a shit? it's Bruce Willis running around killing people and the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun trying to kill him. plus people have mutant powers. plus the most fucked up body horror scene in years. plus Piper Perabo naked. plus Jeff Daniels. plus Mazda Miatas. 

Dredd: most violently stupidly awesome movie of the summer. a simple action sci-fi story that felt like something John Carpentar would've made in his Escape From New York/Big Trouble In Little China days. also the best 3D movie i've seen. 

Goon: basically the best comedy of 2012 and the best sports comedy since Major League. 

Turn Me On Dammit!: Alma is a horny 15 year old girl that spends her time masturbating, dreaming about Artur the boy she is crushing on, and hoping to get the fuck out of her shitty little town someday. Artur pokes Alma with his dick at a party but noone believes her because these little lip balm addicted bitches can't deal with my girl Alma's foxiness and brutal honesty. so Alma becomes an outcast. highschool sucks everywhere, dudes. more masturbating and phone sex and other such adventures til our hero Alma decides these motherfuckers can kiss her ass. 

Marvel's The Avengers: i thought this movie was going to suck. i had been mostly underwhelmed by the Disney Marvel movies other than the 1st Iron Man and thought that Avengers looked pretty fucking stupid. but hey, i was wrong, cuz this was the most fun i had in a theater all year. sure the first 30 minutes of the movie are boring as fuck, a lot of dialogue is terrible...but then The Hulk shows up and starts smashing things and i was turned into a 12 year old boy just smiling stupidly as that big green sonofabitch punches giant space worms in the fucking face. 

The Cabin In The Woods: being that i love Buffy the Vampire Slayer with all my heart, i am glad Joss Whedon's finally getting his due after all these years. Cabin In The Woods felt like something that would've been a really funny Buffy episode. i dig self aware clever bullshit.

Argo: Ben Affleck is a mediocre actor who has somehow morphed himself into a totally awesome director that makes tense little thrillers that Brian DePalma hasn't made since the 70s. 

Skyfall: James Bond + The Dark Knight + Home Alone = the best Bond movie since Goldeneye.

Safety Not Guaranteed: i am totally in love with Aubrey Plaza. i am such a cliche that i don't even care anymore. 

Chronicle: if not for the stupid fucking found footage format this movie would've been perfect. what would happen if some dumb teenage guys were given super powers? probably this movie. and if one of them happened to be a social outcast from an abusive home he probably would turn into a psychotic super villain. Chronicle would make for a really awesome New Mutants movie. seriously, when is hollywood going to give me a New Mutants movie? 

End Of Watch: best cop movie in the last few years. 

Savages: a nasty little piece of cinema trash that is easily the best movie Oliver Stone has made since the mid 90s. Benicio Del Toro steals the show. lots of brutal violence and torture.

The Raid: Redeption: has basically the exact same plot as Dredd but with way more kung fu. this movie reminded me of the good ole days of John Woo's Hong Kong soap opera action movie killspree past. 

Magic Mike: the most hilarious experience i had during any movie this year was watching Magic Mike with two drunk ass girls. plus Matthew McConaughey singing "Ladies of Tampa".

Killer Joe: this movie wasn't really that good, not like i had hoped, BUT still any movie where McConaughey gets to act shitballs crazy and wear a cowboy hat is a movie i am going to enjoy. 

and cuz not everything can be a gem....

THE MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIES OF 2012

Dark Knight Rises: or how Christopher Nolan killed the serious comic boy movie for me.

Prometheus: or fuck you! this movie makes no fucking sense! i could go on for hours and hours and hours about why i hate this movie. but you've all heard all the reasons from everyone else. i will still probably go see the sequel though, so shame on me.

The Master: two really great acting performances can not make up for the fact this movie is completely pointless and plotless and is the worst Paul Thomas Anderson movie of his career.

The Thing prequel: i don't know why i tricked myself into thinking that THIS was going to be any good. it might be the worst piece of shit i saw all year. 

Ruby Sparks: everything i hate about indie romances in one fucking movie.

Welcome Back, Gus!

Thanks for keeping the seat warm for me, bro.

Auburn has their man, and it appears to be our old offensive coordinator genius...aka Gus Malzahn.

Nothing but positive vibes from me on this hire. When Kirby Smart became the hot name yesterday I was filled with dread but when news hit the twitterverse that Auburn had chosen to bring back Malzahn I felt instant excitement. Sure I have my worries about the Tigers ability to stop anyone on defense with Gus in full control of the program...but fuck it dude! if Auburn drop 40 points a game then we can give up 35 for all I care. The Urban Meyer Florida teams, 2010 Auburn ,and 2012 Texas A&M showed us that having an uptempo offense can win and win big in the SEC. There's just no reason not to think that without a defensive minded head coach meddling with his offense, that Malzahn can turn Auburn into Oregon of the South. Will he be able to recruit talent on defense? not sure, but the real question will be can he find a QB who can actually run his scheme...because that's what really matters if the Tigers are gonna compete in the SEC again. All these questions are for much later. Right now I'm just gonna be happy.

Welcome back, Gus! War Damn Eagle!

Ok Auburn, Just hire that fucking asshole and get this shit over with.

When I heard that Kentucky had hired Mark Stoops as their headcoach the first thing i said was "Auburn is gonna hire Petrino."

Originally this thought made me kind of sick to my stomach...and not because I'm some strongly moral dickhead who gives a shit about powerful men cheating on their wives... there are bigger problems in the world.  No, I was more sick because my Falcons fandom still thinks of Bobby Petrino as the fuckface who snuck out of town in the middle of the night with a Dear John note in the players' lockers. But that cowardly move actually ended up working out pretty well for the Dirty Birds and Atlanta has never been better as an NFL franchise. So all these years later I don't really give a shit about what he did in Atlanta, or the Jetgate nonsense, or the fact Petrino just seems like a completely unlikeable jerk. Not even a little bit. All I give a shit about Auburn's next headcoach is that they know what the fuck they are doing and can beat UGA and Bama without the benefit of superhuman QBs. Bobby Petrino IS a scumbag...but he is also THE BEST COACH available. And isn't finding the best coach what really matters. Auburn is a school, i understand that...but Auburn Football is a business and the smart business decision is to just hire the asshole who knows how to win. Of course if you read the tweets and the messageboard and blog rants there is a pretty strong section of Auburn fans who say they will not support or watch the Tigers if Petrino is the coach. So 3-9 didn't kill your love but Petrino will? I guess i can only say enjoy the yardwork on Saturdays then.

I'm sure this coaching search to go on for a week or two, but when it is all said and done i fully expect that the man who will be in charge at Auburn next season is going to be Bobby Petrino. You can scream at the heavens about the Auburn Creed and values and others such subjections of mock outrage all you want on twitter and messageboards but deep down you are gonna be happy because you know that Auburn will finally have a coach who can compete with the Sabans and Miles of the SEC.

that being said...if we hire James Franklin or Gus Malzahn i am gonna be hella stoked too, dudes. i just hope i don't have to post something like this again.

least shocking thing ever...Gene Chizik just got fired.

It was over for Gene the second Cam Newton declared for the draft. it seems completely insane to think that just 2 seasons after winning the title that Auburn would be looking for a new head coach but after witnessing the state of the program during huge blowouts against Texas A&M, Georgia, and Alabama there really was no other choice. Another year under Chizik would be digging Auburn deeper into a hole that they might not ever get out of.

so he is gone. it is all over. will the NCAA come in and bury the Tigers with a mountain of sanctions? the screaming maniacs of the college football message boards and comment sections sure think/hope so.

and now the coaching search begins. James Franklin, Gus Malzahn, Jimbo Fisher, Bobby Petrino, Gary Patterson, Charlie Strong....those are some of the names we are gonna hear as this search goes on. my money is on Franklin. he just won 8 games at Vanderbilt. think about that. wrap your fucking mind around Vandy having a winning record in the SEC. that seems like the kind of miracle worker this young Tigers team needs. Malzahn is going to be on a lot of fans wish list. with Gus as the headman in charge and without a clueless defensive minded coach looking over his shoulder the Tigers might be able to morph back into the Oregon of the South like they were in 2010. the defense is obviously gonna suffer but it isn't like Auburn has been stopping anyone the past 4 years. Fisher and Petrino are the two biggest names and each offers something to make the Tigers excited. Petrino could give Auburn an instant turn around and have the Tigers competing for the SEC title in 2 seasons....but he's also a scumbag asshole that everyone fucking hates. Fisher is a great recruiter who could get top 5 or 10 classes in every year...but recruiting rankings has never been the problem under Chizik. it's what happens to those 4 and 5 stars when they make it to the Plains. Fisher has always been a bit iffy as the man in charge as FSU has underachieved every season he has been there as a coordinator and headcoach. Patterson and Strong are both great defensive coaches that do absolutely nothing for me in realms of excitement and optimism. knowing Auburn it's going to be NONE of those names. and so it goes.

Auburn has a search committee made up of Bo Jackson, Pat Sullivan, and Mac Crawford who will be helping to find the next man to coach the Auburn Tigers. hopefully Bo Knows coaching searches.

so long Gene Chizik. thanks for the BCS title. thanks for Cam Newton. no thanks for all the rest of the tire fire you left behind. hopefully Jay Jacobs will be joining you in the unemployment line soon enough. one can dream.

on a positive note....let's all watch this once more and really say thank you to Gene Chizik. say whatever you want about him being a terrible coach, but he gave us this and we will always be thankful. War Eagle Forever.

It's Over. Thanks For Nothing.

49-0. the 2nd biggest blow out in the history of the Iron Bowl. well that went about the way i thought it would. no matter the final score, Alabama could have put up 100 points today if they had wanted to. and so now after several grueling months this worthless miserable season is finally mercifully over. Auburn set several shameful records this year and no doubt 2012 will long be remembered as the worst Auburn team of our lifetime. there's just no way they can get any worse. they could never possibly play with less heart and i hope to god they could never be coached by more clueless people.

that Cam Newton was able to lead a team coached by these fools to a BCS title basically just solidifies his status as the greatest single season player in the history of NCAA football.

so what now? likely Gene Chizik will be fired some time in the next week or so. that is a given. but what will Auburn do after that? is a team that fires it's coach 2 years after winning a BCS title even able to lure an elite coach to take the job? and with so many other jobs open in the SEC where does Auburn really fall in line? i really don't know anymore. i never thought i would live so long to see Auburn as the laughing stock of the SEC. whatever, i have nothing to say that isn't being said by thousands of other Tigers fans everywhere. change is coming, i just hope this time it's change we can count on.

fuck off and die, 2012! War Eagle, forver.

R.I.P. Auburn Football, 1892-2012

It's all over but the firings. granted 2 weeks are left in this nightmare of a season that will conclude with what an only guess will be an epic blow out at the hands of Alabama but really the coaches, players, and fans are just looking forward to the moment the clock hits 0:00 on 2012 and the Gene Chizik era.

My experience watching the Tigers being annihilated on Saturday with my UGA grad/fan girlfriend  was pretty telling. I didn't yell at the television once and she didn't have the heart to mock my lousy Tigers. I realized that my fandom has already gone through all the stages of grief about six times this year and now all I had was a feeling of complete and total apathy...my rage and sadness long having been extinguished by this pitiful and helpless excuse for an Auburn football team. Congratulations Auburn, you have 100% broken my Tiger loving spirit.

I knew I should have retired from watching college football after Wes Byrum's game winning field goal passed through the uprights nearly 2 years ago.

does Auburn still play football?

you'd think after the worst home trashing in Auburn history that i'd be full of venom today...but you would be wrong because i didn't watch one second of the A&M beatdown and i feel all the better for it. it's one thing to watch a bad team that you love who has a chance to pull off the upset but it is another thing entirely to waste valuable hours of your life on a football team that doesn't seem capable of competing in the MAC. until we have found coaches who can coach without the benefit of super powered mutant QBs then i just can't even pretend to give a shit if the Tigers win or lose. the way Auburn has gone in the tank i wouldn't be shocked if they lose to New Mexico State or Alabama A&M.

fire everyone. War Eagle.

is Gene Chizik fired yet?

no. just checking. let me know, i will be sleeping under my Cam Newton jersey and these boxes of empty cough syrup.

FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!!!!!!!!!

doing more harm than good since 2009 (convinced 2010 was some weird drug trip)

FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!! 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FIRE GENE CHIZIK!!!!!

please, just fucking fire him. and fire Jay Jacobs too. and put Pat Dye on a rocket and shoot it into space.

it's over. for real. nothing more to say. no more wasted time and effort and emotion. the Chizik era has given us the highest high and now it has given us the lowest low. this is not the guy who is gonna build Auburn back up. fire Gene Chizik today! give him his money and send him on his way.

War Eagle

Win or GTFO

that was a LOOOOOOOONG time ago, bro.

so not really much to say about the Tigers and Ole' Miss this weekend. Auburn is a road underdog, as they should be. i doubt very many people have any faith Auburn can win. it would take a completely dominate defensive performance and some good luck on special teams to even give the Tigers a chance. but let's be totally real. Auburn is gonna lose. hell they might get blown out. by Ole' Miss. that is a very fucking real possibility. and assuming that happens, then what? rumors are all over the internet that the players have given up on the season (not that i needed internet rumors...i have been watching the games). claims are being made that the players don't believe in Chizik and are telling recruits not to come to Auburn. how much of that is true? ehhh, who knows? who cares? also can we fire Chizik's wife?

a question for the Auburn faithful: At this point with the season completely lost and just getting to a mediocre bowl game is the best this team can do, are you rooting for Auburn to keep losing and hoping it forces Jay Jacobs' hand and he fires Chizik? can you really root for Auburn to lose?

fuck it. just bury me up to my neck and cut off my ears and cover me in ants. it would be less painful than watching Auburn play football right now.

The Gene Chizik Lose Explosion!

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!

you know what they always say, "terrible defense beats terrible offense everyday".

well that turned out basically the way you should have imagined it would turn out. after playing their hearts out vs. LSU and then going on a bye week and getting a team that looked like it had given up on it's season what would you have expected from Auburn? a victory? well that is because you are a fucking fool. why else did you choose to root for Auburn? probably the same reason as me. your father forced this curse upon you. whatever fuck it. the season is over. Auburn isn't going to win more than 4 games. UGA and Bama and probably Texas A&M are gonna crush the Tigers by about 40 points each.  and i am just too emotionally drained to care anymore. Auburn is a joke. they are in the Kentucky and Vanderbilt category of SEC teams. easy wins for the top tier teams to pile up their stats against. our recruits are overrated. our play calling is awful. our coaches are inept. our team is shit. i just don't know what you can say after seeing something like today that is remotely positive. 

at certain points i wondered to myself if Auburn is actually better off under Gene Chizik than they were in the later Tuberville seasons? none of those Tubby teams looked close to this clueless. sure i can't complain about 2010. but let's all just be honest and give that credit to our former offensive coordinator and our super human QB. Chizik was just along for the ride. so the countdown to the Chiz gettin' fired starts today. is he gonna hang on to his job this season? yeah...unless they do something insane like lose to New Mexico State or Alabama A&M. but you know that certain boosters are fueling up their private jets and looking longingly towards Bobby Petrino, Dana Holgorsen, and Gus Malzhan. but no, the Chiz has his job security....for one more year. but anything less than a 9 win season next year should end with a pink slip. i don't care what his fucking buy out is. he is paid to win football games...not whatever the hell he's doing this year. 

Auburn won't be down forever, but it feels like we have fallen down and dark deep hole and gotten trapped under a giant boulder and we might need to gnaw some of our limbs off to escape. 

War Eagle, you fuckers. i am getting drunk.

R.I.P. Braves Baseball 2012

Chipper, you deserved better than this...but in your final game as a major leaguer you were more or less  one of the reason Atlanta lost this bullshit one-and-done/let's try to capitalize off the excitement of last year's 1 game playoff play-in/the regular season is now fucking meaningless/ Wild Card game.

facts: he went hitless (that last hit in the bottom of the 9th was a total gift from the ump and the official scorer...Chipper didn't beat the throw and if he did it was an error) and worst of all his error in the 4th is what sent Atlanta spiraling down. at that point in the game the Braves were rolling, Medlen was looking like his magical unhittable self and then Chipper overthrows Uggla and sends one into the outfield and the next thing you know that 2-0 lead is a fucking 3-2 hole. then in the bottom of the 4th with the Braves looking like they were ready to rally back, the Frediot decides to have Simmons fucking try and bunt home Freeman (who didn't even bother to run) and gets called out on interference and Medlen comes up and strikes out and it was at that moment you kinda knew in your heart that the this shit was over and the Braves had choked away a game they should've won.

unfortunately it wasn't just the 4th inning that was full of fuckups because the best fielding team in the National League turned into my 12 year old Little League squad and decided to cough up 2 more costly errors that helped the Cards gain a 6-3 lead that just sank the hopes of even the most faithful of Braves fans. i felt really bad for Medlen. he pitched an excellent game for the most part and i think if that Chipper error in the 4th doesn't happen then he would've kept mowing down Cards until the 7th inning the then the bullpen would've taken care of the rest.

of course the delusional Braves fan is gonna hang this whole loss on THE WORST CALL I HAVE EVER SEEN AN UMPIRE MAKE IN A MOTHERFUCKING PLAYOFF GAME IN MY LIFE!!! on the infield fly rule WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING ME in the 8th...which ended up turning Turner Field into the set of a WWE event (and observation made by most of my friends on twitter that i have to agree with). whoever says the people in Atlanta don't care about their sports teams will forever be reminded that our drunk redneck fans care a lot.... enough to delay the game for 20 minutes by throwing trash on the field and maybe possibly killing Atlanta's chances at a comeback. but whatever, we will never know.  i'm honestly mixed on how i feel about it all. i am glad Atlanta fans showed some fucking emotion but then again they look like jackasses. i mean shit, it was like we were Phillies fans suddenly. Atlanta wanted some blood. i was half hoping that there was gonna be a riot after the game. Burn Atlanta Again! it needs to be rebuilt anyways. but yeah as much as that single play sucked, the Braves still had chances to get back into the game. that bad call didn't make Michael Bourn strike out with the bases loaded. it didn't make the Braves strand like 8 million base runners over the course of the game. THEY HAD 12 FUCKING HITS AND SCORED 3 GODDAMN COCKSUCKING RUNS!!!! one bad call didn't blow this game. one bad call it didn't turn Chipper into a bottomless pit of suck. fans will always remember that bad call forever until the end of time...but the Braves are the reason the Braves didn't win.

and so Atlanta's playoff run enda the way Atlanta playoff runs always end, when not playing the Cleveland Indians, with another loss. a crushing, soul destoying, heartbreaking loss. and the career of the greatest Atlanta Brave (Hank Aaron doesn't count cuz he didn't play most of his career in the ATL) of all time ends with him exclaiming he was the one to blame for the loss. it just isn't fair. and it's just another moment in Atlanta sports history that makes me believe that if God exists and he gives a shit about sports he sure as fuck hates Atlanta....just not as much as he hates Cleveland.

and finally i would like to announce that i will be following Chipper Jones' lead as i too will be retiring from Braves baseball. i'm just not as young as i used to be and my knees can't take it anymore and my heart is done with being broken. if i need something to make me feel like a miserable loser i will always have Auburn football for that. if i feel the need to suffer along with some stupid fucking team from Atlanta that is gonna let me down in a a big game, well that's what the Falcons are for. the Braves are the only damn thing that even makes me waste time caring about stupid baseball and at some point in your life you just gotta quit things that are bad for you cold turkey. obviously i am gonna relapse and when opening day rolls around next year i will be tuning in...just hoping that this might be the season Atlanta finds their way back to another World Series title. knowing deep down that it ain't even happening again. and so it goes.

Goodbye 2012 Braves. you were a fun team to root for. i will miss you. Goodbye Chipper Jones, you were the fucking best.

Win Or Die Week

so we can all agree Auburn's season has thus far been a complete disaster. a blow out loss to Mississippi State, a heartbreaker vs LSU, another loss to Clemson that Auburn could very well have won, and barely avoiding an upset by ULM for the only win of the year. not exactly the kind of performance that have anyone in Orange and Blue looking forward to those clashes at the end of the year with UGA or Bama. luckily for Auburn there is another SEC team whose season is an even bigger clusterfuck and as a bonus that team happens to be Arkansas who will be rolling into Auburn this weekend on a 4 game losing streak. 2 of those losses being spectacular blow outs from Alabama and Texas A&M. if Auburn has any hopes of salvaging there season and sneaking into a lower tier bowl game they need to absolutely demolish the Razorbacks this weekend. i am mean i am not so greedy that i wouldn't take a 1 point win vs. Arkansas...but Auburn needs to do more than win...they need an old fashioned "Get Right" game. something like a 35-14 ass whipping that includes multiple sacks and turnovers and the Auburn offense looking somewhat competent for once. i know it is a lot to expect and ask for but i just can not stomach another completely inept offensive performance. i had already promised myself to quit watching the 2012 Tigers, but like all things bad for me, i could not break the habit.

so what are Auburn's prospects of actually beating Arkansas? well the boys in the desert have Auburn as a 9 and half point favorite...which makes them heavy favorites in my eyes...at least as heavy a favorite as a shitty looking 1-3 team that barely beat a school from the Sun Belt can be. offensively Arkansas has the advantage of actually having a QB in Tyler Wilson. he played poorly against A&M and turned the ball over...hopefully Auburn's suddenly lively defense can be able to force some more of those turnovers to make up for the fact that Auburn's O currently ranks 117th in the country in points scored and total yards. having ALL-SEC level talent at kicker and punter gives the Tigers an advantage if Auburn's defense can shut Arkansas down. also Auburn's running game should be able to gain yards considering the Razorbacks gave up 218 yards on the ground to Texas A&M. the Hogs are also giving up over 40 points a game. so Auburn can't score and Arkansas can't stop anyone...so naturally we can split the difference and figure the Tigers might manage somewhere around 28...maybe...hopefully. i mean if Auburn can't move to ball this week then they might as well start running the single wing.

the biggest worry for me is that Tyler Wilson is able to get some time from his awful offensive line and pick Auburn's less than elite secondary apart all day long. i think that is pretty much the only chance Arkansas has of pulling out a win on Saturday. but fuck that...Auburn is gonna win. they HAVE to.

prediction: Auburn 32 Arkansas 24

A Lifetime Of Defeat's Completely Useless/Meaningless Top 25

so a month into the season and we kinda have an idea who is good (Bama) and who is awful (Arkansas/Auburn/the entire Big 10) and so it's time for one of those meaningless top 25 blog polls that no one cares about me.

A LIFETIME OF DEFEATS top 25

1. Alabama
2. South Carolina
3. Oregon
4. UGA
5. LSU
6. Florida
7. Florida State
8. West Virginia
9. Kansas State
10. Texas
11. Oregon State
12. Notre Dame
13. Mississippi State
14. TCU
15. Clemson
16. Washington
17. Stanford
18. USC
19. UCLA
20. Nebraska
21. Rutgers
22. Oklahoma
23. Louisville
24. Texas A&M
25. Northwestern

and just for the fuck of it....ranking the SEC teams

1. Alabama
2. South Carolina
3. UGA
4. LSU
5. Florida
6. Mississippi State
7. Texas A&M
8. Tennessee
9. Ole Miss
10. Auburn
11. Missouri 
12. Vanderbilt
13. Kentucky
14. Arkansas

Beyond The Black Rainbow is weird as fuck and kinda rad.

since it's Auburn's bye week and i am tired and thinking/complaining about the Tigers and their troubles i am gonna tell you about this movie i just watched Beyond The Black Rainbow, a Canadian Sci-Fi/horror movie set in a retro-futuristic 1983.

it’s loose on plot and heavy on mood & atmosphere. it tells the story of a mute teenage girl with telekinetic powers trapped in the mysterious Arboria Institute and being drugged and experimented on by this creepy creepster of doctor in a brown turtleneck who is constantly having acid flashbacks and sometimes murdering people. our teen girl hero is somehow controlled by fog machines, lava lamps, and the pyramid from Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon. the whole thing feels like an acid trip…or a really fucking long M83 video. visually the whole movie is a bizarre delight that "borrows" from THX-1138, Scanners, Argento, Kubrick, and the nightmares inside my head. also the soundtrack is fucking rad. think John Carpenter, Goblin, and Giorgio Moroder. it is all the heavy trippy spooky synth shit you can stand. it really is the star of the movie.

anyways our mute girl eventually escapes Arboria and the creepy turtleneck wearing doctor goes batshit murder crazy and goes after her and then a lot of nonsense happens and basically you have no fucking idea what is going on.... but hey this movie looks really neat so who gives a fuck?

so yeah Beyond The Black Rainbow is weird as fuck, doesn’t make a lick of sense, looks really cool, has an awesome soundtrack, and is something i totally enjoyed. if you like Kevin James movies this is probably not your thing....but if you enjoy dark oddball sci-fi movies from the 70s and early 80s or you do a lot of drugs then check it out.

Fuck Moral Victories

Another game. Another loss. A season that I am more than ready to be over with.

Auburn's defense shows up and plays its ass off only to be fucked over and over again by a completely useless offense with an inept quarterback who at this point should not be out on the field. Kiehl Frazier really is a dual threat QB. He either throws an interception or he holds on to the ball for too long and takes a stupid sack. I wish that joke was funnier than it is just sadly accurate. I don't know if I have ever seen a quarterback who looked so lost and so hopelessly overmatched than Kiehl looks every time the ball is in his hands. It is time the coaches made a change and put the freshman Wallace out there. At least the kid is a good runner. Who knows if he can pass. Who cares? Anything has to be an upgrade to whatever the hell Frazier is doing. I am fine with Quan Bray being converted back to a QB. Just do something. Anything. Fucking hell. A defensive performance like last night deserves more.

So what can you take away from last night? Well, Auburn did play with heart and gave the #2 team in the country a scare. And with the way Arkansas has completely given up on their season I would imagine Auburn has a pretty good chance of knocking off the Razorbacks in their next game. If Auburn wants to go bowling this season they are gonna have to win games against the other SEC bottom dwellers. Arkansas seems like the Tigers best chance. Vandy doesn't look so hot either. Ole Miss actually has me a little worried. Not that they have beaten anyone, but they did demolish Tulane and Auburn hasn't demolished anything other than my will to live.

The Season Without A Chance marches on. Tune in next week for more rage and sorrow.

the Death Star is rolling in to town tomorrow.

and i don't like Auburn's chances of blowing it up. as an Auburn fan have you ever been more convinced of a fucking blowout than you are Saturday? okay i guess last season vs. Bama i knew that shit was gonna be ugly. oh yeah, and the smashing the Tide gave Tuberville in his final game wasn't that big of a shocker either. but i think deep down in my bones i had some form of hope and faith...like Auburn would at least have a fighting chance because it was the Iron Bowl. but tomorrow i give them less than no chance. i honestly will be shocked if Auburn scores a touchdown. i am thinking 3 field goals is probably the best we can hope for and then just pray Frazier only turns the ball over once of twice. if Auburn can keep LSU under 30 and can manage to get about 12 to 15 points i will call it progress. but if things get out of hand in the first half i would be in favor of benching anyone important and saving them for the Arkansas game...a team i actually think Auburn WILL beat. shock me, Auburn. just once this season.

a win is a win is a win but this sure felt like another loss.

Auburn, Auburn, Auburn...you are crushing my soul this year. Even when you win I am depressed. After looking like a competent football team for most of 3 quarters you shit the bed in the 4th...started making stupid choices and started turning the ball over and the defense stopped stopping ULM. 3 games in and I don't even wanna watch this fucking team play another game all year.

At what point is it okay for me to start wanting Auburn to fire Gene Chizik? Because if we are honest with ourselves that Cam Newton is the greatest football player in the history of time and space and that anyone could've won the national title with him as their QB then we must start to be honest that Gene is a terribly meidocre football coach that does NOTHING with his supposed collection of highly rated talent. It's like Auburn has turned into FSU with it's constantly underperforming teams. And it isn't like I have any faith that is suddenly gonna change in the next few years. Yeah Auburn is young...but that was their excuse last year. Yeah Auburn switched their offensive scheme...but that was our head coach's bright idea because he wants to copy what LSU and Alabama are doing despite having 4 recruiting classes of guys that are a fit for the spread. Ughhh...I hate that I have turned into one of those maniacs who calls for the firing of his favorite team's headcoach after every game but I am just being honest. This is the guy NONE of us were happy about getting and now 4 years later I think we were right.

Someone fuel up the jet. It is time to bring Bobby Petrino to town. He can bang all the coeds/assistants/secretaries/cheerleaders he wants for all I care. God I am the worst kinda football fan.... War Eagle, you bastards. Now it is time for the real ass kickings to begin.

Is Auburn Ever Going To Win A Game Again?

never pass again.

Auburn are currently like a 16 point favorite (or something like that...i don't care enough to check) against UL Monroe. a team that JUST beat Arkansas last weekend. is it just me or is that line EXTREMELY FUCKING OPTIMISTIC?!

ULM's QB Kolton Browning (what is with all the stupid K names? parents of children that were born in the 90s are the fucking worst.) torched Arkansas for 412 yards and 3 touchdowns. what have you seen in the last 2 games that makes you think Auburn is going to do anything to stop that from happening to the Tigers shitastic secondary? unless the defensive line suddenly becomes possessed by the spirits of Quentin Groves or Nick Fairley i don't imagine Browning will have much trouble getting near those stats again. so let's just go ahead and assume the Warhawks are gonna drop at least 21 points on Auburn....how are the Tigers planning on matching that? we've scored all of 1 touchdown this season and that was nearly a lifetime ago in the devolution of Kiehl Frazier: Turnover Machine. a Quarterback with 1 more touchdown pass in his two years at Auburn than i do. so passing for scores isn't gonna be anything i would put money on. so how are the Tigers going to get points? one assumes that Auburn will do whatever they can to just run it down ULM's throat and since they're a Sun Belt team one also assumes that Auburn will have an advantage of size on the lines...but whenever the rushing attack has been working we've been treated to either a dumb penalty or the sudden need to let Frazier attempt forward passes. if i was the coaching staff i am not attempting a single pass that isn't some short screen unless the runningbacks and defense have gained AT LEAST a 3 score lead. just run run run run run run run run like it's 1982 and everyone's still running the wishbone. honestly if Auburn would like to just sit Frazier over on the sidelines and run the wildcat every single play i wouldn't fault them. seriously, no passing. if the Tigers employ this primitive strategy they might just win an actual football game. maybe.

i miss the days when cursing at Brandon Cox and face palming everytime he took a sack were my biggest issues as an Auburn fan.

A Lifetime Of Defeats Returns Not To Praise The Auburn Tigers, But To Bury Them

Hello old friends, foes, loyal readers, and people who accidentally stumbled on to this long vacant piece of blogspot real estate. i have decided to bring this useless site back because whining on twitter just isn't the same. it takes a lot more than 140 characters for me to say Auburn Sucks And They Are Ruining My Fucking Life.

 Following Auburn's 2010 BCS title season I felt like I had finally made peace with my long suffering Auburn Tigers fandom. Going into 2011 I knew it was going to be a tough season and there just wasn't anyway I had much to say or complain about while still basking in the afterglow of Cam Newton, Nick Fairley, and those 2010 Tigers. But it's been a long time since then in the world of college football and my rage and despair have returned to me with a vengeance.

 2 weeks into the Auburn Tigers 2012 campaign and there aren't words to describe how I feel about this team....well maybe a few words... Unbelievably Shitty, Fucking Awful, Useless Motherfuckers, Worst Auburn Team Of My Motherfucking Lifetime. Those are some that come to mind. Sitting through 2 weeks of truly embarrassing performances by this version of Auburn is really more than my 34 year old heart can take. This bullshit ages me. How my father hasn't died rooting for this fucking team is beyond me. Even when they win a title there's no real fun to be had. Fuck it. What else am I gonna do with my life...watch soccer? Fuck that commie shit.

Anyways I've completely lost the point....oh yeah this year Auburn is going to suck in a way that I don't think I would've let myself imagine they could suck. I mean is Auburn on double secret probation? Cuz they seem like a team on probation. They sure as shit don't look like a team that's had 3 top 10 recruiting classes in a row. I understand that they are young...but I didn't realize they were also inept. I hope Gene Chizik sends Cam Newton a gift every single weekend to thank him for the job security that the Chiz currently enjoys...because without that handsome magical mountain of a QB's magical season Gene Chizik's seat would be on motherfucking fire right now. He and his staff might be able to recruit but they sure as shit can't coach. The linebackers can't tackle. The defensive backs can't cover. The linemen can't hold on to the other teams QB. And the offense is looking really fucking similiar to that shitty 2008 one that got Tommy Tuberville's big eared ass run out of town. BCS title or not, if this doesn't turn around quickly then ole' Chiz might start looking for some defensive coordinator work in his future. So why do we suck so bad? The lack of depth and the quality of Tuberville's pisspoor recruiting classes can't be blamed for the bullshit product we see out on the field. These are all Chizik's boys. I guess Gene has kicked one too many weed smoking 5 stars off the team than he should have. Maybe it was a terrible idea to run your offensive coordinator out of town so that you could get a boring pro style play caller in to town to NOT take advantage of all the spread ready talent you've been recruiting for 4 fucking years. No wonder our quarterback looks completely fucking lost on the field every time he touches the ball. Or maybe he just sucks. I am starting to think that may be the case. Cuz he sure as shit didn't look like he knew what the hell he was doing last season when he attempted a pass. He looks even less so this season without the benefit of sitting the bench behind that two headed beast of mediocrity that was Barrett Trotter and Clint Moseley. Speaking of Moseley, why not put him in the game? Is his shoulder that trashed? I guess Zeke Pike's dumbass should've been given another chance before the Chizik sent him packing. That moral high ground seems real nice until your only options are a deadarmed loser, a sophomore who looks like a fish out of water, and a true freshman who noone was recruiting. I feel bad for Blake and Lutz that their final years on the Plains that their draft stock is going to take huge hits because they don't have anyone to throw them the damn ball. For future reference to any Auburn coaches....DO NOT RECRUIT QUARTERBACKS FROM THE STATE OF ARKANSAS WHO HAVE STUPID FUCKED SPELLINGS OF THEIR FIRST NAMES. Those guys are coach killers.

the head attached to this shirt is full of hate and rage.

 So what do we have to take away from these losses to teams we should NEVER lose to. Well the main thought I have is this is going to be a really long season. Like 4 or 5 wins long. Anyone who thinks Auburn is gonna magically turn it around when LSU and Arkansas are about to crush the Tigers in the next few months is higher than Michael Dyer. Auburn doesn't look like a team that can give Vandy or Ole Miss much of a game. Another thought is that the really great recruiting class we have right now is all nice and everything but the Tigers top priority should be to go out and find a QB who has started for another Division 1A team that can come in and start for Auburn next season cuz we obviously have noone capable of running a pro style offense or any kind of offense on campus. And fianlly I am gonna be doing some major liver damage to myself this year because I am going to need to be shitfaced every single week to get through a year like the one we are looking at. Either that or I could just free up my Saturdays and do things like spend time with my lady or visit my parents or go see some movies. But who the fuck wants to do that when there is football to be watched? The suffering is back friends. Did it ever really end? War Damn Eagle.