Saturday, September 8, 2012

A Lifetime Of Defeats Returns Not To Praise The Auburn Tigers, But To Bury Them

Hello old friends, foes, loyal readers, and people who accidentally stumbled on to this long vacant piece of blogspot real estate. i have decided to bring this useless site back because whining on twitter just isn't the same. it takes a lot more than 140 characters for me to say Auburn Sucks And They Are Ruining My Fucking Life.

 Following Auburn's 2010 BCS title season I felt like I had finally made peace with my long suffering Auburn Tigers fandom. Going into 2011 I knew it was going to be a tough season and there just wasn't anyway I had much to say or complain about while still basking in the afterglow of Cam Newton, Nick Fairley, and those 2010 Tigers. But it's been a long time since then in the world of college football and my rage and despair have returned to me with a vengeance.

 2 weeks into the Auburn Tigers 2012 campaign and there aren't words to describe how I feel about this team....well maybe a few words... Unbelievably Shitty, Fucking Awful, Useless Motherfuckers, Worst Auburn Team Of My Motherfucking Lifetime. Those are some that come to mind. Sitting through 2 weeks of truly embarrassing performances by this version of Auburn is really more than my 34 year old heart can take. This bullshit ages me. How my father hasn't died rooting for this fucking team is beyond me. Even when they win a title there's no real fun to be had. Fuck it. What else am I gonna do with my soccer? Fuck that commie shit.

Anyways I've completely lost the point....oh yeah this year Auburn is going to suck in a way that I don't think I would've let myself imagine they could suck. I mean is Auburn on double secret probation? Cuz they seem like a team on probation. They sure as shit don't look like a team that's had 3 top 10 recruiting classes in a row. I understand that they are young...but I didn't realize they were also inept. I hope Gene Chizik sends Cam Newton a gift every single weekend to thank him for the job security that the Chiz currently enjoys...because without that handsome magical mountain of a QB's magical season Gene Chizik's seat would be on motherfucking fire right now. He and his staff might be able to recruit but they sure as shit can't coach. The linebackers can't tackle. The defensive backs can't cover. The linemen can't hold on to the other teams QB. And the offense is looking really fucking similiar to that shitty 2008 one that got Tommy Tuberville's big eared ass run out of town. BCS title or not, if this doesn't turn around quickly then ole' Chiz might start looking for some defensive coordinator work in his future. So why do we suck so bad? The lack of depth and the quality of Tuberville's pisspoor recruiting classes can't be blamed for the bullshit product we see out on the field. These are all Chizik's boys. I guess Gene has kicked one too many weed smoking 5 stars off the team than he should have. Maybe it was a terrible idea to run your offensive coordinator out of town so that you could get a boring pro style play caller in to town to NOT take advantage of all the spread ready talent you've been recruiting for 4 fucking years. No wonder our quarterback looks completely fucking lost on the field every time he touches the ball. Or maybe he just sucks. I am starting to think that may be the case. Cuz he sure as shit didn't look like he knew what the hell he was doing last season when he attempted a pass. He looks even less so this season without the benefit of sitting the bench behind that two headed beast of mediocrity that was Barrett Trotter and Clint Moseley. Speaking of Moseley, why not put him in the game? Is his shoulder that trashed? I guess Zeke Pike's dumbass should've been given another chance before the Chizik sent him packing. That moral high ground seems real nice until your only options are a deadarmed loser, a sophomore who looks like a fish out of water, and a true freshman who noone was recruiting. I feel bad for Blake and Lutz that their final years on the Plains that their draft stock is going to take huge hits because they don't have anyone to throw them the damn ball. For future reference to any Auburn coaches....DO NOT RECRUIT QUARTERBACKS FROM THE STATE OF ARKANSAS WHO HAVE STUPID FUCKED SPELLINGS OF THEIR FIRST NAMES. Those guys are coach killers.

the head attached to this shirt is full of hate and rage.
 So what do we have to take away from these losses to teams we should NEVER lose to. Well the main thought I have is this is going to be a really long season. Like 4 or 5 wins long. Anyone who thinks Auburn is gonna magically turn it around when LSU and Arkansas are about to crush the Tigers in the next few months is higher than Michael Dyer. Auburn doesn't look like a team that can give Vandy or Ole Miss much of a game. Another thought is that the really great recruiting class we have right now is all nice and everything but the Tigers top priority should be to go out and find a QB who has started for another Division 1A team that can come in and start for Auburn next season cuz we obviously have noone capable of running a pro style offense or any kind of offense on campus. And fianlly I am gonna be doing some major liver damage to myself this year because I am going to need to be shitfaced every single week to get through a year like the one we are looking at. Either that or I could just free up my Saturdays and do things like spend time with my lady or visit my parents or go see some movies. But who the fuck wants to do that when there is football to be watched? The suffering is back friends. Did it ever really end? War Damn Eagle.


Jacob said...

To you sir, I say, War Damn Eagle. And to my liver, I'm sorry...this is just how it has to be. Fuck Chizik and his ability to turn diamonds into diarrhea.

easyedwin said...

C'mon man. All we need is a qb, lb, dt, db and HC.

Zack said...

Classic J.R., just classic

Steve Sacamano said...

It is hard to believe this was supposedly written by an adult.

JRS1 said...

It's hard to believe anyone reads this bullshit...much less comments.

Jerry Hinnen said...

God bless you, JRS.