The Best Movie Of 2013 That Almost No One Saw and/or Liked: Only God Forgives

Hey girl, do you like violence?

2013 still has all the important fall months left for the Oscars to decide who they are gonna give a pointless trophy to but not a single one of those movies that gets nominated is going to be the masterpiece that Only God Forgives fucking is, truly the best David Lynch movie not made by David Lynch since David Lynch made Lost Highway. This is an utterly bizarre film that most people will hate, including seemingly every critic that exists.

It is brutally violent, completely weird and nonsensical, and pretentious as fuck...BUT i loved every goddamned arty oddball second of it. this is an all or nothing kinda experience and it will really depend on how you feel about mood vs. story telling. this movie is ALL mood and style not-unlike Drive but it doesn't have cool scorpion jackets or electro pop, instead it's just RED RED RED everywhere and dread, so much motherfucking dread.

Ryan Gosling is Julian, a heroin dealing member of a Bangkok crime family, all silent and brooding with major mommy issues thanks to Kristin Scott Thomas (the real star of the film) as the vengeful overbearing mob mother who is out for blood against Vithaya Pansringarm, the samurai-like sword wielding cop who delivers brutal Punisher style justice against the members of Julian's crime family when he's not out at the bar singing karaoke. Gosling's character is just doomed to be caught in the middle of these powerful forces of revenge.

it makes sense that Nicolas Refn Winding dedicated this movie to Alejandro Jodorowsky cuz it's got more in common with El Topo than it does with Drive. Only God Forgives makes Drive look like the Fast & Furious in comparison.

not for everyone, this is a love it or hate it film. and i FUCKING LOVED IT. destined to be a cult classic. 5 nihilistic stars.

Beyond The Black Rainbow is weird as fuck and kinda rad.

since it's Auburn's bye week and i am tired and thinking/complaining about the Tigers and their troubles i am gonna tell you about this movie i just watched Beyond The Black Rainbow, a Canadian Sci-Fi/horror movie set in a retro-futuristic 1983.

it’s loose on plot and heavy on mood & atmosphere. it tells the story of a mute teenage girl with telekinetic powers trapped in the mysterious Arboria Institute and being drugged and experimented on by this creepy creepster of doctor in a brown turtleneck who is constantly having acid flashbacks and sometimes murdering people. our teen girl hero is somehow controlled by fog machines, lava lamps, and the pyramid from Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon. the whole thing feels like an acid trip…or a really fucking long M83 video. visually the whole movie is a bizarre delight that "borrows" from THX-1138, Scanners, Argento, Kubrick, and the nightmares inside my head. also the soundtrack is fucking rad. think John Carpenter, Goblin, and Giorgio Moroder. it is all the heavy trippy spooky synth shit you can stand. it really is the star of the movie.

anyways our mute girl eventually escapes Arboria and the creepy turtleneck wearing doctor goes batshit murder crazy and goes after her and then a lot of nonsense happens and basically you have no fucking idea what is going on.... but hey this movie looks really neat so who gives a fuck?

so yeah Beyond The Black Rainbow is weird as fuck, doesn’t make a lick of sense, looks really cool, has an awesome soundtrack, and is something i totally enjoyed. if you like Kevin James movies this is probably not your thing....but if you enjoy dark oddball sci-fi movies from the 70s and early 80s or you do a lot of drugs then check it out.

music for the drunk and lonely. the best kind.

another Walkmen album. another record to get me through the winter. the most consistent band of the early 2000s New York indie boom has put out Lisbon today, probably their best album since Bows & Arrows (although to be honest i love all of them about the same). how these guys haven’t been more successful has always been of one of the great mysteries of the last decade. the Walkmen have done nothing to fuck up their young Dylan fronting a british post-punk band sound because smart bands don’t fuck with what works. if you are a fan then you will like it. if you aren’t a fan...well what the fuck is wrong with you?

this has nothing to do with football. aka do yourself a favor and see A Prophet.

File under: see this movie right now.

Finally out on DVD is the French prison/crime drama A Prophet (un prophete), directed by Jaqcues Audiard who made the equally awesome The Beat My Heart Skipped. It tells of the story of a French born Arab named Malik who is sent to prison for 6 years and his quest for survival which leads to his involvement with a Corsican crime family. This movie is easily one of the best films I’ve seen in the last few years and might just be one of the coolest crime dramas ever. Tahar Rahim who plays Malik is fucking awesome and gives the film the sort of energy and presence that would make him a huge star if he were American.

seriously, Rahim's Malik is one of the best movie badasses in a long time. he's a man who doesn't belong with anyone. an Arab who isn't Muslim, a gangster who isn't Corsican. he plays all sides and does whatever it takes to survive.


it's gritty and realistically violent and has one of the best shootout scenes i've seen in a long long time. Rent this movie asap, you won’t be disappointed.

FAVORITE MOVIE OF 2009

Inglourious Basterds may have been my pick for BEST movie of 2009, but without a doubt my FAVORITE movie was Adventureland.

While America was busy watching Fast & Furious the weekend this movie came out, i was going to the Theater to see Adventureland...Twice. the last movie i saw twice was The Dark Knight...so that's about as ringing an endorsement of a film as i can give it. besides any movie that opens with The Replacements "Bastards Of Young" is gonna have my love from the word go...if that movie actually turns out to be one of the best teen/young adult coming-of-age movies in years...well that's just a bonus.

Set in the summer of 1987, Adventureland is the story of James Brennan, a recent college grad with plans of spending his summer in Europe exploring the old world with his college roommate and having a transformative life experience before heading off to Grad school at Columbia. Unfortunately James learns that his summer plans and possibly his Ivy league future are in jeopardy when his parents spring on him that they've hit financial hard times and can't afford his trip or to pay for his rent in New York City next year...and so James must take the only job that his four years of comparative lit have made him qualified for...as a carny at a shitty amusement park called Adventureland.

Oh yeah, and James is a virgin...the sort of plot point that would normally remind you of movies like American Pie or Super Bad (the director Greg Mottola's last film)...you know, over the top and laugh out loud raunchy teen comedies that are more fantasy than reality...but Adventureland is more in the realm of a Cameron Crowe movie, a little smarter, the laughs more subtle and relateable. Luckily James' virginity isn't part of some ridiculous quest or pact to lose it before x day or anything like that...instead its more of a way for us to understand that James is an intelligent, sensitive, over-thinker who is more interested in finding love than getting laid...a classic hopeless romantic whose wooing techniques are to talk about literature and make a girl a mixtape of his favorite "bummer songs"...so yeah, the same school that a lot of shy young men who ended up playing in indie rock bands or became writers graduated from. And so James is highly realistic in his awkward, slightly pretentious, and yet somehow self assured way.

When James begins working at Adventureland he meets Joel (smartass, Russian lit loving, misanthrope) who shows him the ropes, explaining to him that all the games are rigged and let's James know that he must never give away a Giant Ass Panda (the best prize at the park) as it will result in him losing his job. On his 2nd day some rednecks demand said Panda after cheating on a game and threaten him at knife point if he refuses to reward them...this is when we meet Em, who shows up saves his ass...setting into motion our little love story that is the heart of this movie. Later that night she gives James a ride home and the two silently listen to Husker Du's "i don't wanna know if you are lonely" on the car ride home, sharing some awkward yet knowing glances and smiles with one another...bonding over the mutual love of a great song.

Em is a NYU student working at the Park as an excuse to get away from her bitchy stepmother. she's smart, pretty, and emotionally screwed up...she's also having a secret affair with Connell (played by Ryan Reynolds), the park's handyman...an older, very married, local musician whose claim to fame is that he jammed with Lou Reed once and tells James he's planning on moving out to LA and starting a new band soon. Things become more complicated when Em and James friendship starts to become something more when James kisses her after a night spent driving around listening to "pale blue eyes" (seriously, my favorite song of all time). and so this little love triangle of sorts creates most of our drama as Em becomes more and more depressed with her current situation with Connell as she begins to open herself up to James. this of course results in causing James a lot of angst before things finally come to a head in the whole Em, James, and Connell thing.

the plot isn't anything we haven't all seen before...young man coming of age falls in love with a girl who is afraid to fall in love...but the performances by Jesse Eisenberg (who is stealing some of Michael Cera's leading geek man thunder) and Kristen Stewart (who proves that she can actually act) are what make this worth seeing, as they are both 100% likeable and believable late teen/early 20s characters. it made me jealous that i'm not 20.

the rest of the cast is great too. Ryan Reynolds plays the washed up local musician Connell as a guy who is sort of resigned to his sad pathetic life and passes the time the only way he knows how by sleeping with younger girls just to get through the day...even if he's kind of a creep, he's also completely relateable. there's also the park's resident hottie Lisa P., who ends up becoming James backup plan to Em when she becomes flaky about their relationship. Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig of SNL play a married couple who run the park, with Hader supplying most of the most hilarious moments. then there's Frigo, the idiot kid from back home that's emotionally stuck in highschool who spends most of the film supplying crotch punches. and then finnaly there is Jole, played by Freaks & Geeks uber-nerd Martin Starr, who gets all the movie's best lines and steals every scene that he's in.

the real star of the film is the soundtrack though. i mean goddamn! you've got 80s college rock heavy weights (The Replacements "bastards of young" and "unsatisfied", Husker Du "i don't wanna know if you are lonely", The Cure "just like heaven", & The Jesus and Mary Chain "taste of cindy") that help to define our two main characters. some 70s punk (New York Dolls "looking for a kiss" & Nick Lowe "so it goes") and some choice 80s one hit wonder cuts (Crowded House "don't dream it's over" & The Outfield's "your love"). then the quest to use every single Rolling Stones deepcut ever in a movie is carried on with the inclusion of "Tops" (a personal fav). and finally we've got 3 Lou Reed/Velvet Underground cuts ("pale blue eyes", "here she comes now", & "satellite of love") that make up the heart of the movie...especially "Pale Blue Eyes" that is used perfectly to reflect James' longing for Em. there's also a reoccurring joke as the song "Rock Me Amadeus" is played constantly at the park that slowly drives our young heroes mildly insane.

the way this movie was marketed was as a teen gross-out comedy/follow up to Superbad pretty much insured that it was gonna fail at the box office...if you are a fan of Almost Famous, (the highly underrated) Thumbsucker, the teenage existentialists of Dazed & Confused, or the classic John Hughes films then you will love Adventureland too. a sweet, thoughtful, a little bit melancholy, coming of age and falling in love for the first time film that makes you long for the days when making a girl a mixtape was a big deal.



plus, Bill Hader rules.

Me Like Funny

to use Internet terminology that i don't quiet understand, this movie is best summed up in leet speak with- FTW!

but if that's too vague i will perform the pathetic attempt of reviewing the best comedy of 2009 with simple human words...when really firing a gun into the air and punching my own self in the face while laughing is the only true way i could convey the pleasure derived from my viewing experience.


ah humor, there's never a time when you aren't welcome in my world. and so this weekend i was more than happy to receive some much needed humor from The Hangover. i'm willing to call it one of the 5 funniest movies of this decade and dare i say that it's even better than director Todd Phillip's comedy masterpiece Old School.

first of all, ANY movie that opens with a motherfucking Danzig song is going to be a movie that is going to rule...there's just no way any other result can be possible. no sense in arguing with that logic because it is fuckin' flawless. ok on with the film itself. the plot is about a group of friends who take a trip to Vegas for a bachelor party that of course does not go as planned....but you already knew that from the previews. really the movie is like Memento meets The Wedding Crashers...but like way better than both. Judd Apatow better recognize that he is not the king of comedy because he has nothing on Phillip's style...the pacing is perfect, the jokes are nonstop, the site gags are fucking hilarious, and it's got some amazing lines to quote...and the final credits might actually be the funniest part of the entire damn movie. the cast is exactly what a good comedy needs...Bradley Cooper & Ed Helms are perfect as the asshole and the wimp respectively, but it's Zack Galifianakis who owns the film as the idiotic/well meaning man-child who just wants to be part of a group of friends...his Lonewolf/Wolfpack speech was the stuff of pure comedy gold. every scene he's in let's you know that he's about to be a star.

this is the kind of comedy that i truly enjoy...absurdest and lowbrow without dipping into the stupid and annoying kind of comedy that only drooling idiots enjoy. after watching this movie all i wanted to do was get fucking wasted and steal a cop car...so yeah, maybe i shouldn't be too high on my comedy horse.

seriously...go see the Hangover. if you are a dude or just a human that enjoys insane laughter and offensive...yet genius humor then you CAN NOT BE DISAPPOINTED by this movie.

"Remember what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you."

I Heart Adventureland

While America was busy watching Fast & Furious this weekend, i was going to the Theater to see Adventureland...Twice, the last movie i saw twice was The Dark Knight...so that's about as ringing an endorsement of a film as i can give it. besides any movie that opens with The Replacements "Bastards Of Young" is gonna have my love from the word go...if that movie actually turns out to be one of the best teen/young adult coming-of-age movies in years...well that's just a bonus.

Set in the summer of 1987, Adventureland is the story of James Brennan, a recent college grad with plans of spending his summer in Europe exploring the old world with his college roommate and having a transformative life experience before heading off to Grad school at Columbia. Unfortunately James learns that his summer plans and possibly his Ivy league future are in jeopardy when his parents spring on him that they've hit financial hard times and can't afford his trip or to pay for his rent in New York City next year...and so James must take the only job that his four years of comparative lit have made him qualified for...as a carny at a shitty amusement park called Adventureland. Oh yeah, and James is a virgin...the sort of plot point that would normally remind you of movies like American Pie or Super Bad (the director Greg Mottola's last film)...you know, over the top and laugh out loud raunchy teen comedies that are more fantasy than reality...but Adventureland is more in the realm of a Cameron Crowe movie, a little smarter, the laughs more subtle and relateable. Luckily James' virginity isn't part of some ridiculous quest or pact to lose it before x day or anything like that...instead its more of a way for us to understand that James is an intelligent, sensitive, over-thinker who is more interested in finding love than getting laid...a classic hopeless romantic whose wooing techniques are to talk about literature and make a girl a mixtape of his favorite "bummer songs"...so yeah, the same school that a lot of shy young men who ended up playing in indie rock bands or became writers graduated from. And so James is highly realistic in his awkward, slightly pretentious, and yet somehow self assured way.

When James begins working at Adventureland he meets Joel (smartass, Russian lit loving, misanthrope) who shows him the ropes, explaining to him that all the games are rigged and let's James know that he must never give away a Giant Ass Panda (the best prize at the park) as it will result in him losing his job. On his 2nd day some rednecks demand said Panda after cheating on a game and threaten him at knife point if he refuses to reward them...this is when we meet Em, who shows up saves his ass...setting into motion our little love story that is the heart of this movie. Later that night she gives James a ride home and the two silently listen to Husker Du's "i don't wanna know if you are lonely" on the car ride home, sharing some awkward yet knowing glances and smiles with one another...bonding over the mutual love of a great song.

Em is a NYU student working at the Park as an excuse to get away from her bitchy stepmother. she's smart, pretty, and emotionally screwed up...she's also having a secret affair with Connell (played by Ryan Reynolds), the park's handyman...an older, very married, local musician whose claim to fame is that he jammed with Lou Reed once and tells James he's planning on moving out to LA and starting a new band soon. Things become more complicated when Em and James friendship starts to become something more when James kisses her after a night spent driving around listening to "pale blue eyes" (seriously, my favorite song of all time). and so this little love triangle of sorts creates most of our drama as Em becomes more and more depressed with her current situation with Connell as she begins to open herself up to James. this of course results in causing James a lot of angst before things finally come to a head in the whole Em, James, and Connell thing.

the plot isn't anything we haven't all seen before...young man coming of age falls in love with a girl who is afraid to fall in love...but the performances by Jesse Eisenberg (who is stealing some of Michael Cera's leading geek man thunder) and Kristen Stewart (who proves that she can actually act) are what make this worth seeing, as they are both 100% likeable and believable late teen/early 20s characters. it made me jealous that i'm not 20.

the rest of the cast is great too. Ryan Reynolds plays the washed up local musician Connell as a guy who is sort of resigned to his sad pathetic life and passes the time the only way he knows how by sleeping with younger girls just to get through the day...even if he's kind of a creep, he's also completely relateable. there's also the park's resident hottie Lisa P., who ends up becoming James backup plan to Em when she becomes flaky about their relationship. Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig of SNL play a married couple who run the park, with Hader supplying most of the most hilarious moments. then there's Frigo, the idiot kid from back home that's emotionally stuck in highschool who spends most of the film supplying crotch punches. and then finnaly there is Jole, played by Freaks & Geeks uber-nerd Martin Starr, who gets all the movie's best lines and steals every scene that he's in.

the real star of the film is the soundtrack though. i mean goddamn! you've got 80s college rock heavy weights (The Replacements "bastards of young" and "unsatisfied", Husker Du "i don't wanna know if you are lonely", The Cure "just like heaven", & The Jesus and Mary Chain "taste of cindy") that help to define our two main characters. some 70s punk (New York Dolls "looking for a kiss" & Nick Lowe "so it goes") and some choice 80s one hit wonder cuts (Crowded House "don't dream it's over" & The Outfield's "your love"). then the quest to use every single Rolling Stones deepcut ever in a movie is carried on with the inclusion of "Tops" (a personal fav). and finally we've got 3 Lou Reed/Velvet Underground cuts ("pale blue eyes", "here she comes now", & "satellite of love") that make up the heart of the movie...especially "Pale Blue Eyes" that is used perfectly to reflect James' longing for Em. there's also a reoccurring joke as the song "Rock Me Amadeus" is played constantly at the park that slowly drives our young heroes mildly insane.

the way this movie is being marketed as a teen gross-out comedy/follow up to Superbad pretty much insures that it's gonna fail at the box office...if you are a fan of Almost Famous, (the highly underrated) Thumbsucker, or last year's Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist then you will love Adventureland too. a sweet, thoughtful, a little bit melancholy, coming of age and falling in love for the first time film that makes you long for the days when making a girl a mixtape was a big deal.

Mama's Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up And Become Directors Who Will In Turn Ruin Someone Else's Fond Memory Of Something

a rambling, half cocked, and pointless review/bitchfest/who fucking knows what that i wrote about Watchmen if you are interested.

just another in a long line of disappointments.

let's move on with our lives again.

Holy Shit, Batman! That Was Awesome.

went and saw The Dark Knight last night...and HOLY SHIT it fucking ruled. The title The Dark Knight is totally not a misnomer. talk about some dark ass shit. the phrase Best Comic Book Movie Ever, doesn't really do this film justice. as much as i loved Batman Begins, this movie totally blows it out of the water. i'm willing to go ahead and say it's one of the ten best movies of the last decade and i'm willing to go out on a limb and predict Heath Ledger winning best supporting actor (it's such a given...he's totally amazing), and best director for Christopher Nolan, and if their's any justice in the world The Dark Knight will become the first and only comic book film to get an Oscar nomination for best picture.

everyone's been talking about it...and it can not be understated to say how fucking brutal and sadistic and amazing Heath Ledger's performance of the Joker is. one of the best movie villians of all time. a more sadistic version of Alex from A Clockwork Orange and a scarrier maniac than even Anton Chigurh. just totally brutal and thrilling every second he's on the screen. it's a goddamn shame he's dead.

a day later and i still can't believe how fucking grim and bleak this movie was. it's on par with No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood in tone and as far as crime thrillers go, this movie is better than the Departed. there's really no point in seeing any other movies this summer until you see The Dark Knight and if you're like me, you will go see it again and again.