It's Over. Thanks For Nothing.

49-0. the 2nd biggest blow out in the history of the Iron Bowl. well that went about the way i thought it would. no matter the final score, Alabama could have put up 100 points today if they had wanted to. and so now after several grueling months this worthless miserable season is finally mercifully over. Auburn set several shameful records this year and no doubt 2012 will long be remembered as the worst Auburn team of our lifetime. there's just no way they can get any worse. they could never possibly play with less heart and i hope to god they could never be coached by more clueless people.

that Cam Newton was able to lead a team coached by these fools to a BCS title basically just solidifies his status as the greatest single season player in the history of NCAA football.

so what now? likely Gene Chizik will be fired some time in the next week or so. that is a given. but what will Auburn do after that? is a team that fires it's coach 2 years after winning a BCS title even able to lure an elite coach to take the job? and with so many other jobs open in the SEC where does Auburn really fall in line? i really don't know anymore. i never thought i would live so long to see Auburn as the laughing stock of the SEC. whatever, i have nothing to say that isn't being said by thousands of other Tigers fans everywhere. change is coming, i just hope this time it's change we can count on.

fuck off and die, 2012! War Eagle, forver.

A Lifetime Of Defeats Returns Not To Praise The Auburn Tigers, But To Bury Them

Hello old friends, foes, loyal readers, and people who accidentally stumbled on to this long vacant piece of blogspot real estate. i have decided to bring this useless site back because whining on twitter just isn't the same. it takes a lot more than 140 characters for me to say Auburn Sucks And They Are Ruining My Fucking Life.

 Following Auburn's 2010 BCS title season I felt like I had finally made peace with my long suffering Auburn Tigers fandom. Going into 2011 I knew it was going to be a tough season and there just wasn't anyway I had much to say or complain about while still basking in the afterglow of Cam Newton, Nick Fairley, and those 2010 Tigers. But it's been a long time since then in the world of college football and my rage and despair have returned to me with a vengeance.

 2 weeks into the Auburn Tigers 2012 campaign and there aren't words to describe how I feel about this team....well maybe a few words... Unbelievably Shitty, Fucking Awful, Useless Motherfuckers, Worst Auburn Team Of My Motherfucking Lifetime. Those are some that come to mind. Sitting through 2 weeks of truly embarrassing performances by this version of Auburn is really more than my 34 year old heart can take. This bullshit ages me. How my father hasn't died rooting for this fucking team is beyond me. Even when they win a title there's no real fun to be had. Fuck it. What else am I gonna do with my life...watch soccer? Fuck that commie shit.

Anyways I've completely lost the point....oh yeah this year Auburn is going to suck in a way that I don't think I would've let myself imagine they could suck. I mean is Auburn on double secret probation? Cuz they seem like a team on probation. They sure as shit don't look like a team that's had 3 top 10 recruiting classes in a row. I understand that they are young...but I didn't realize they were also inept. I hope Gene Chizik sends Cam Newton a gift every single weekend to thank him for the job security that the Chiz currently enjoys...because without that handsome magical mountain of a QB's magical season Gene Chizik's seat would be on motherfucking fire right now. He and his staff might be able to recruit but they sure as shit can't coach. The linebackers can't tackle. The defensive backs can't cover. The linemen can't hold on to the other teams QB. And the offense is looking really fucking similiar to that shitty 2008 one that got Tommy Tuberville's big eared ass run out of town. BCS title or not, if this doesn't turn around quickly then ole' Chiz might start looking for some defensive coordinator work in his future. So why do we suck so bad? The lack of depth and the quality of Tuberville's pisspoor recruiting classes can't be blamed for the bullshit product we see out on the field. These are all Chizik's boys. I guess Gene has kicked one too many weed smoking 5 stars off the team than he should have. Maybe it was a terrible idea to run your offensive coordinator out of town so that you could get a boring pro style play caller in to town to NOT take advantage of all the spread ready talent you've been recruiting for 4 fucking years. No wonder our quarterback looks completely fucking lost on the field every time he touches the ball. Or maybe he just sucks. I am starting to think that may be the case. Cuz he sure as shit didn't look like he knew what the hell he was doing last season when he attempted a pass. He looks even less so this season without the benefit of sitting the bench behind that two headed beast of mediocrity that was Barrett Trotter and Clint Moseley. Speaking of Moseley, why not put him in the game? Is his shoulder that trashed? I guess Zeke Pike's dumbass should've been given another chance before the Chizik sent him packing. That moral high ground seems real nice until your only options are a deadarmed loser, a sophomore who looks like a fish out of water, and a true freshman who noone was recruiting. I feel bad for Blake and Lutz that their final years on the Plains that their draft stock is going to take huge hits because they don't have anyone to throw them the damn ball. For future reference to any Auburn coaches....DO NOT RECRUIT QUARTERBACKS FROM THE STATE OF ARKANSAS WHO HAVE STUPID FUCKED SPELLINGS OF THEIR FIRST NAMES. Those guys are coach killers.

the head attached to this shirt is full of hate and rage.

 So what do we have to take away from these losses to teams we should NEVER lose to. Well the main thought I have is this is going to be a really long season. Like 4 or 5 wins long. Anyone who thinks Auburn is gonna magically turn it around when LSU and Arkansas are about to crush the Tigers in the next few months is higher than Michael Dyer. Auburn doesn't look like a team that can give Vandy or Ole Miss much of a game. Another thought is that the really great recruiting class we have right now is all nice and everything but the Tigers top priority should be to go out and find a QB who has started for another Division 1A team that can come in and start for Auburn next season cuz we obviously have noone capable of running a pro style offense or any kind of offense on campus. And fianlly I am gonna be doing some major liver damage to myself this year because I am going to need to be shitfaced every single week to get through a year like the one we are looking at. Either that or I could just free up my Saturdays and do things like spend time with my lady or visit my parents or go see some movies. But who the fuck wants to do that when there is football to be watched? The suffering is back friends. Did it ever really end? War Damn Eagle.

thoughts on the 2011 season

So a year after the most amazing season in Auburn history we get one of the most blah seasons in Auburn history. Every rational Auburn fan knew that 2011 was a rebuilding year and that if this team was able to win 7 games then it was an accomplishment...and so I guess if that was the only goal then mission accomplished. But jesus christ those were 7 of the most ugly fucking wins I have had the displeasure of witnessing. I was at the season opener and watched Auburn get dominated by a pretty lousy Utah State team all damn game until they pulled a rabit out of their ass and made a miracle of a comeback for a win. And things never really got any easier after that. It took everything the Tigers could give to knockoff a Mississippi State team they was well underperforming all year. Auburn's most impressive wins were against a South Carolina team who I still can't figure out how they won 9 games, an Ole Miss team that couldn't beat anyone in the SEC, and the worst Florida team in at least 25 years. Hell it was a struggle for Auburn to beat their fucking FBS home coming cupcake. And every game Auburn lost was an epic blowout, none more sickening than vs Georgia. This would all be easier to stomach if I felt like Auburn was showing any signs of being a good football team next season, but let's be real...this group of players isn't inspiring a lot of hope for 2012.

First off Auburn's QB play was easily the worst of my lifetime. Between Clint Moseley and Barrett Trotter you have a tossup for worst Auburn QB of all time. And the super hyped true freshmen Kiehl Frazier was little more than a wildcat QB who the staff never trusted enough to let him actually play quarterback despite the horrible play of the guys ahead of him. One would assume that neither Trotter nor Moseley will be the QB next year and that Frazier and incoming freshmen Zeke Pike will battle it out for the job...but that just makes me all the more frustrated that Auburn never just went with Frazier when it became painfully obvious just how fucking terrible the other guys were. I mean noone wants to endure a losing season after winning a national title, but if I was watching Frazier develop every single week as the starter I might have a lot more hope about next season. Sadly I don't.

The other HUGE ASS PROBLEM is the defense. What was the strength of the Tuberville era has been the worst thing about the Chizik era. Ted Roof has got to fucking go as well as those guys coaching the DBs and linebackers. Auburn has been just horrible at stopping the pass for 3 years now and I have no reason to believe Roof is gonna figure it out despite the talent that has been recruited at safety and corner the last few classes. Fire him now.

The poor offensive line play is something that I am willing to let slide only because of the amount of young guys that all came with 4 and 5 stars attached to their names who were redshirted. One assumes the o line will be better next season even if it is young...it just has to be.

Other than Lutz and Blake every damn WR on the team was just taking up space. Trevon Reed battled injuries most of the year, but even when healthy I saw nothing that made me believe he was anything but another overrated prospect. With the amount talent that is coming in next season at RB I think the smartest offseason move Auburn could make is converting Mccalleb into a slot receiver. He is Auburn's best playmaker in open space and was far more effective this season catching the ball than he was as a runner out of the backfield.

With another solid recruiting class coming in and with some likely changes coming on defense we can only hope that 2011 really was a rebuilding season and not just a glimpse at more of the same shit to come next season. Obviously winning a national championship buys Chizik a lot of time to figure things out...but then again this is the SEC and along time isn't gonna be that long.

Energy Vampires are truly bummed out right now.

i guess i don't have to worry about burning my Cam Newtown jersey or throwing away all my BCS title swag i got at the Spring game.

we got away with it, motherfuckers.

War Damn Eagle.

recruiting is like crack: 2011 edition

national signing day is upon us. so far Auburn has landed 24 recruits. there’s always a possibility of them adding another player but likely this will be the class. Auburn’s only loss was 4 star Linebacker/Runningback Brent Calloway who decided to choose Alabama over Auburn.

the real prize of the day was when Auburn landed the #1 offensive tackle in the country, Cyrus Kouandjio (noone in Auburn is going to be able to pronounce that dudes last name. just sayin’). that gives Auburn by far the best offensive line class in the country to go with the #4 tackle, #3 guard, and #1 center. hopefully this is a group Auburn can build another title around.

some other guys to be excited about are 5 star linebacker Kris Frost, 4 star runningbacks Quan Bray and Tre Mason, QB Khiel Frazier, and the best defensive back class in the nation headed by Jermaine Whitehead…and after last season if there is anything Auburn needs worse than anything are some fucking DBs who can cover.

Auburn will likely end up with another top 10 and possibly top 5 class once the day is done. i expected a lot of these kids to be playing next season as true freshmen with all of Auburn’s player losses and with the lack of depth thanks to Tuberville’s weak recruiting classes in his final two years. but 2 straight years of solid recruiting from Chizik and his staff let us all know that Auburn is going to be back in the SEC and BCS title hunt sooner rather than later.

so let's celebrate with a gratuitous picture of Lyla Garrity (Minka Kelly) in her underwear.

War Damn Eagle


update. currently Auburn is ranked #7 by Rivals, #1 by Scout, and #2 by ESPN but i guess that 5 star tackle dude whose name i can't pronounce is waffling on his choice of the TIgers. i'm gonna go ahead and assume he's gonna sign elsewhere. regardless it's a solid class that added some much needed talent on the offensive line and in the secondary.

i'm not sure if i can call my blog A Lifetime of Defeats anymore.

it's been 2 days now and things have finally sunk in. monday night was real. Auburn is the 2010 BCS National Champion. can you wrap your brain around that? did this seem even remotely possible at the end of the 2008 season? being a lifetime pessimist and someone used to having his heart ripped out by his favorite teams i never ever believed Auburn would ever finally clinch an outright national title. and yet it really fucking happened. i'm still at a loss for words to say how i feel.

I can't even lie. Watching the title game was not an enjoyable event for me. I was a nervous mess the whole night. Everytime something went wrong for the Tigers I felt like I was going to puke. It was borderline torture at points. But Auburn kept making the plays it had to make and keeping my heart from completely exploding in my chest. When Oregon tied the game up 19-19 I even said, "Auburn is gonna lose." I could feel the misery setting in. I started to wonder what were the chances Auburn would ever get another shot at this. And then Dyer made his "he's down, oh shit he's not down" run. And I finally perked up. I started to have visions of Wes Byrum's kick vs Florida dancing in my head. And then when Dyer blasted through Oregon's line for what I thought was the game winning touchdown I fell onto the floor and began to weep for joy. Of course it was reviewed and he has down at the 1 and all Byrum had to do was make a chip shot and we were champs...but I could barely even watch it. My heart was racing. My stomach was in knots. It's up. It's good!!!!!!!!! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! The Tigers are champs! Auburn are the national champions! Can you even believe it? Is it real? I thought it I died right that second it wouldn't have been so bad.

The high still hasn't worn off. I've been in this endless fog. It's a weird feeling. I remember talking to a friend of mine who was a Red Sox fan and how he told me that winning the World Series was amazing not only because he'd been waiting for that moment his whole life but because now the Sox were just another team who'd won a World Series. And now that's how I feel too. For all my angst and anxiety of being an Auburn fan all these years I could finally just enjoy rooting for my team and know that no metter whatever happens the rest of my life that no other moment would ever be this special again. And because of that I can just root for my Tigers and never get as worked up or miserable about winning or losing ever again. It feels amazing. And in a way it feels kind of sad. But it's a good sad.


thank you Nick Fairley, you giant half bear half man force of destruction. are you the dirtiest Auburn player of all time? fuck yeah, you are. you are a mean ass sonofabitch and i'd hate the shit out of you too if i was one of those pussyass UGA fans. but you are ours and for that i love you.


i've never been more happy to be so wrong about anything in my entire life as calling Gene Chizik the worst hire possible. thanks Coach. i'm willing to forgive 3 straight years of mediocrity before i ever call for your head.


Thank you Wes Byrum. Chip shot or not it's the kick that made us champions!!! motherfucking champions!!!!

And of course thank you, Cam. But that almost needs to be left unsaid.

So War Damn Eagle, everyone. Enjoy this moment for a long, long time. I know I will.