FUCKING FALCONS

way to go out a win assholes. you can all go eat a bag of dicks. i hope Matt Ryan breaks his leg in the fucking senior bowl. it's enough to make me wanna go jump off a bridge.

An Open Letter to The Atlanta Falcons

Dear Falcons,

as a long suffering fan of your pathetic franchise who has sat through countless losing seasons and had his hopes built up and then crushed more times than he can remember, i have just one request for you on Sunday. just lose. please. all a win does is move you further down in the draft. a draft that isn't very deep and has only 3 or 4 players i'd really be that excited about you drafting. you guys nearly fucked things up last week by playing the Cardinals tough, we really can't risk that sort of effort again. sit your players with any ounce of talent and instead let Joey Harrington throw the ball about 50 times and I'm pretty sure we can be guaranteed a loss and a chance at landing Darren McFadden.

p.s., please don't draft Matt Ryan. he fucking sucks.

thanks

justin

SUICIDE WATCH (BOWL EDITION)

it's Bowl season. Auburn tries to finish their up and down year facing the Clemson Tigers in the Chick-Fil-A bowl (also known this year as the NO I WON'T COME COACH ARKANSAS CUZ I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET A BIG FAT RAISE FROM MY OLD SCHOOL BOWL) which used to be called the Peach Bowl. this is a rematch of the only bowl game I've ever actually been too when Auburn beat Clemson way the fuck back in 1997 or 1998 when they had Dameuyne Craig and Takeo Spikes running the show. Auburn was able to win the game 21-17 and i think i still have the big plastic cup somewhere in my room back home. and this also marks the ONLY game this season where i will be watching my Tigers' play live.

anyways this year's match up features 2 talented teams who underachieved for the most part this season. Clemson has a strong running game and Auburn has one of the best defenses in the nation. so basically look for Clemson to pass the daylights outta the ball and Auburn to give up 50 points. no i am kidding. that's not happening...please don't let it happen. honestly i'm not that emotionally invested in the outcome of this match up. a win would be good because 9-4 sounds allot better than 8-5, also it assures that Auburn will remain in the top 25...which always parleys into rankings for next season.

after the joy and euphoria of beating BAMA for the 6th straight time was then tossed into a sea of turmoil with the anxiety surrounding a possible departure of Coach Tuberville things have finally started to settle down. Tubby decided to stay put, for now, and instead the focus has switched to the new Offensive Coordinator and the spread attack that he will be bringing to the Plains. iit's unlikely that Auburn is gonna come out in 5 receiver sets and play Texas Tech ball all game, but a few wrinkles here and there will probably rear their heads. also expect to see some of Kodi Burns running to team, as he's getting the first crack at being the starter for next year before the new freshman players and juco transfers hit campus.

as far as the match up goes, i don't really know that much about Clemson. they got beat by Boston College in the only game i watched them play. they run the ball well. they play solid D. their Qb doesn't make allot of mistakes. they are allot like Auburn, with a better backfield and a weaker defense and their Qb doesn't throw as many picks. all in all it's a total tossup. i expect a close game and a low scoring one at that.

potential for tragedy: 5 (as in 50/50 on Auburn's odds to win)

method of suicide: None. I'm not killing myself over the Chick-fil-A bowl. nobody remembers mediocre bowl game results except for the people who played in the game or the people who went to the game. I'm just looking to have a good time watching a good game with my dad. those are the sorts of things that make football awesome.

Merry X-Mas Motherfucker

all that the sports world gives me today are some NBA games that i don't give a fuck about. obviously i am a closet racist and hate the NBA for those reasons, it has nothing to do with the fact that basketball has gotten way more boring in the last 10 years and that most of the star players are totally unlikeable. that can't be it. anyways merry x-mas, i'll be spending mine with the family and then probably catching a movie and getting drunk at the only bar that's open in the city of Augusta.

...And Now I Know What If Feels Like To Be The 1985 Patriots

TRAGEDY! after an amazing run in the fantasy football season, your heroes, The Thug Apologists go and get blown the fuck out (84-39...just in case you are scoring at home)in the BOOZE HOUNDS LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME by giving what can only be called our teams worst performance of the year. in classic JR Suicide and Kenniebloggins style we sat the Bears Defense and played the Cardinals instead, thinking that with them facing the Falcons and the Bears playing the Packers that we were money. WRONG!!!! The Bears put up 25 points on the Packers and the Cardinals nearly got beaten by the Falcons...netting us only 4 points. what the fuck? but not that it would have really mattered anyways as the rest of our team decided to all not show up this week. our once mighty backfield of Joseph Addai, Adrian Peterson, and Chester Taylor only combined for 11 points total. our receivers, which have always been a weak point did jack and shit. and then Carson Palmer put the final cherry on our shit sunday by giving a fairly lousy performance against the Browns...a team he torched for 6 touchdowns earlier in the year. what can i say other than our opponent destroyed our soul. there will be no titty bars and championship t-shirts this year my friends.

What's Your Fantasy? (Championship Edition)

"there can only be one"

and here it has come to this. The Thug Apologists have rolled their way through the difficult world of fantasy football with Purple Jesus and Joseph Addai leading us to glory. only one game separates us from titty bars and custom championship t-shirts. what better way could one celebrate the holidays? it's all up to the Vikings running game, the Bengals passing attack, and a little something i like to call the Cardinals defense vs. the Falcons. it might also help us if Randy Moss and Peyton Mannning both decided to not show up today...so big guy upstairs see if you can do something 'bout that. i don't ask for much, but winning my fantasy league is worth calling down a favor. so if you love me and MB and wish us nothing but joy on this most special of days then root hard for Purple Jesus, pray that Chris Henry doesn't get arrested before the Bengals' game, wish for nothing but the best for Chris Cooley, hope against hope that Calvin Johnson can hold onto those td passes, and curse those fucking Falcons and ask that they send as many picks the Cardinals' way. i'm no Lou Holtz, so i don't have a pep talk for my team that can rival his magic tricks, but i do have faith in my ability to randomly select a handful of NFL players and roll the dice as they play independently of one another in an effort to bring me fleeting glory. Go THUG APOLOGISTS. make daddy proud.

also someone should get me this shirt.

No TV Makes Jack A Dull Boy

My cable is out...which means i have no ability to watch any of the shitty bowl games coming up....there's football on tv and i have no ability to witness it. fuck fuck fuck!

Bowl Mania

so the college football bowl season starts tonight with the epic matchup of power houses UTAH and NAVY in the Poinsettia Bowl. could be worse i suppose. both teams like to score points and not play much defense...which is exactly what i'm in the mood for during a writers' strike. my Twin Peaks boxed set is gonna get the night off as i root for our servicemen to defeat those pesky Mormons (i just assume everyone in Utah is Mormon) in the fine city of San Diego. it's basically the best bowl matchup you have to look forward to this week unless you're a fan of any of the teams playing.

tomorrow features quiet possibly the worst bowl game in recent memory, the New Orleans Bowl which features Florida Atlantic vs Memphis (excuse me if i go see Juno instead), followed by the Papajohns.com Bowl which features Southern Miss and Cincinnati and then finally we get a pretty good matchup in the Las Vegas bowl as those other pesky Mormons BYU take on UCLA. expect BYU to completely destroy the Bruins. seriously if you are a mediocre Pac 10 team backing into a bowl game the last team you wanna face is BYU...last year they fucking destroyed Oregon in this exact same bowl. i expect more of the same this year.

Big Tuna Not Coming To Hotlanta

so much for that dream.

Bill said no thanks to the Falcons after telling everyone he was gonna take the job and instead he apparently is set to take over the Dolphins. i guess when given the choices of taking over a shitty team, living in Miami beats living in Atlanta any day of the week.

the suffering continues......that NFC championship game is starting to feel like it was decades ago.

Big Tuna Coming to Hotlanta

so one of the biggest dickheads in NFL History, Bill Parcells...not to mention one of the greatest coaches of all time is about to take over the Atlanta Falcons as President of Football Operations or something like that. basically he's gonna run the team, pick the coach, hire a new GM (bye bye Rich McKay...thank god) and probably pick the talent. more than likely Parcells will probably name himself GM. basically as long as he doesn't end up becoming the coach then i'm okay with this move. Bill does two things well, he drafts really great talent and he turns teams into winners. if the Falcons can steal Jason Garrett away from Dallas to be the new head coach then this might end up being one of the best offseasons after a dreadful year that i can remember as a Falcons fan....as long as they are able to cap it all off by landing Darren McFadden in the draft. FUCK a QB in the 1st round. i'd much rather see the Falcons take someone like Eric Ainge in the 2nd round than waste their 1st pick on Matt Ryan.

Bowl Matchups That Could Have Been

With Bowl Season about the start this week i am always amazed when i find myself sitting through a stellar match up of the 3rd place conference USA team vs the 2nd place MAC team to a half empty stadium in some exotic location such as Memphis or Nashville. and during those moments and i like to imagine bowl match ups the could have been if they'd just add another 3 or 4 to the polluted holiday football schedule. something to show in between reruns of SNL and Leno.

THE BC HEADACHE POWDER DISAPPOINTMENT BOWL

Louisville vs South Carolina

1st off you've got a battle of 2 6-6 teams that were ranked in the top 10 at some point during the season. each one was supposed to compete for their conference title and in Louisville's case their was some hopes at being in the national title picture and a Heisman trophy for their QB Brian Brohm. South Carolina saw itself as the darkhorse contender for the SEC East and a breakout season in the Ol' Ball Coaches third season. yeah well things don't always go according to plan. and here we are both of those schools find themselves sitting at home while Memphis takes on Florida Atlantic in a bowl game that noone in their right mind would watch. even though they were both mediocre teams at season's end, i'm pretty sure Louisville and South Carolina could beat both Memphis and Florida Atlantic....so why not push those schools to the side and give the TV viewing public what they really want. 2 struggling big time programs whose coaches can't believe how shitty their season's ended up being.

THE WHO GETS BOOTED OUT OF DIVISION I FOOTBALL AND REPLACED BY APPALACHIAN STATE BOWL

Florida International vs Idaho

it's time for App State to move up after winning their 3rd straight National Title and also after beating Michigan as a reward...but instead of just moving them up we should start treating DI like the British soccer leagues where teams get moved down to lower divisions if they suck too much. well very few teams suck as much as Idaho or Florida International. both teams went 1-11. neither school has any sort of upward momentum as a program. neither school would be any good in Division Iaa either. but i'm pretty sure if they had to play for their Division I lives you might get a pretty good fucking football game. if anything it's a good way to start cleaning out the trash every year.

THE KY JELLY BOTTOM BOWL

Ole Miss vs Minnesota

fans of the the SEC love to hate on the Big 10. and with 4 head to head match ups of some of their best teams it's a great way to find out just how bad the Big 10 really is. well i think an even better way to find out whose conference is better is to take the worst school in each conference and match them up to find out who is a bear and who is a twink.

What's Your Fantasy? (Playoff time Motherfucker)

Monday Night Football = the most important game of the year for me. as the Vikings/Bears game is the deciding factor in our fantasy football semi-final, your heroes (The Thug Apologists) are set to win their game and head onwards to the championship as we trail by 10 points with 3 different players AND the Bears defense all going tonight. Purple Jesus, Bernard Berrian, Chester Taylor, and with any luck Devin Hester are set to crush our opponent and it's just one game away from titty bars and championship t-shirts. so root hard for Purple Jesus to destroy or for the Bears D to shut him down....either way it's a victory...and that's what i like to call good odds.

*and so it is done. Purple Jesus leads us onwards to the Championship game thanks to his two touchdowns against the Bears D....how were nice enough to help us pad our lead with 3 picks and a fumble recovery...all in all the Thug Apologists are just one game away from Fantasy Glory which = Championship T-Shirts, Longhorns Steakhouse Victory Dinner, and making it rain at Toppers. this is why we play the game.

Big 10 and Rich

Rich Rodriguez is the new headcoach of Michigan. how they expect to run a spread offense with that lumbering giant playing QB, by the name of Ryan Mallet, next season is a mystery to me. my early prediction is an 8 win season and alot of people crying to bring back Lloyd or another "Michigan" guy. this is a weird fit, as i'd always thought Rodriguez would make a great Big 12 coach, running his version of the spread at a school like Nebraska...or maybe even Texas when Mack Brown hangs it up. i'm sure in a few years he'll have the players he needs and will be dominating the Big 10. i feel bad for West Virginia though. this is a shitty way to end your season. lose to a rival when you were one win away from a national title and then have your coach go take another job and then probably cap it off by getting blown out by Oklahoma in your bowl game.

in related news: rumors are flying out of West Virginia that Nick Saban's agent contacted their athletic director about the job opening. there's no fucking way that could possibly be true...could it???!!! Nick the Prick is Satan, but would he really leave Bama after just one fucking year on the job? i can't possibly believe that this would happen, but he is a son of a bitch...so you never know. if it is true then i'm officially putting MB on suicidewatch and taking away any and all sharp objects.

LET'S GO BOWLING

December 20

1: Poinsettia Bowl: Utah vs Navy- UTAH

December 21

2:New Orleans Bowl: Florida Atlantic vs Memphis- FLA ATLANTIC

December 22

3: Papajohns.com Bowl: Cincinnati vs Southern Mississippi-Cincinatti

4: New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico vs. Nevada-Nevada

5: Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs UCLA-BYU

December 23

6: Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: East Carolina vs Boise St.-Boise St

December 26

7: Motor City Bowl: Purdue vs Central Michigan-Central Michigan

December 27

8: Holiday Bowl: Texas vs Arizona State-Arizona State

December 28

9: Champs Sports Bowl: Boston College vs Michigan State-BC

10: Texas Bowl: TCU vs Houston-TCU

11: Emerald Bowl: Maryland vs Oregon State-Oregon St

December 29

12:Meineke Car Care Bowl: wake Forest vs Connecticut- Wake Forest

13: Autozone Liberty Bowl: UCF vs Mississippi State-UCF

14: Alamo Bowl: Penn State vs Texas A&M-Penn State

December 30

15: Independence Bowl: Colorado vs Alabama-BAMA

December 31

16:Armed Forces Bowl: Air Force vs California-Air Force

17: Sun Bowl: South Florida vs Oregon-South Florida

18: Humanitarian: Georgia Tech vs Fresno State-Fresno St.

19: Gaylords Hotels Music City: Kentucky vs Florida State-FSU

20: Chick-fil-A: Auburn vs Clemson-Auburn

21: Insight: Indiana vs Oklahoma State-OK State

January 1

22: Outback: Wisconsin vs Tennessee-Tennessee

23:Cotton: Missouri vs Arkansas-Missouri

24:Gator: Virginia vs Texas Tech-Texas Tech

25:Capital One: Michigan vs Florida-Florida

26:Rose: USC vs Illinois-USC

27: Sugar: Hawaii vs Georgia-Hawaii

January 2

28: Fiesta: Oklahoma vs West Virginia-Oklahoma

January 3

29: Orange: Virginia Tech vs Kansas-Virginia Tech

January 5

30: International: Rutgers vs Ball State- Ball State

January 6

31: GMAC: Tulsa vs Bowling Green- Tulsa

January 7

32: BCS National Championship Game: Ohio State vs LSU- LSU

Oops

so apparently the early list of Mitchell Report names that was floating around these here internets was more of a wishlist than a reality list. some of the big names like Pujols, Varitek, and Bagwell were all left off the ACTUAL report, but still the big one remains Roger Clemens...to which i can only say, "No Shit!" a guy who is almost as old as my dad is not gonna dominate Major League Hitters unless he's on the serious juice. i was watching ESPN's round the clock coverage of the report yesterday and it was funny to see the likes of John Kruk tell people to hold judgement on this list of names. maybe that's because his old teammate Lenny Dykstra was on there. regardless, fuck Clemens. i always hated that douchebag anyways...if Bonds gets thrown in the fire then so should the Rocket. honestly i don't care if they get in the hall of fame or they don't. but if you let in Clemens or Bonds then you sure as shit better let in Pete Rose.

The Name Game

so at 2pm and Mitchell Report comes out and we get to boo hoo over our favorite players...or in my case, laugh my ass off at the misfortunes of others.

in celebration of these cheating douchebags being outed i have assembled my All Mitchell Report Team. (minus the obvious doucebags like McGwire, Sosa, Bonds, and Juan Gonzalez)

1b- Albert Pujols (i fucking love this one)
2b- Nomar Garciaparra
3b- Troy Glaus
ss- Miguel Tejada
cathcer- Ivan Rodriguez
outfield- Mike Cammeron
outfield- Johnny Damon (captain caveman was on the juice)
outfield- Carl Everett

starting rotation
pitcher- Roger Clemens
pitcher- Andy Petite
pitcher- Kerry Wood
pitcher- Mark Prior

closer- Eric Gagne

some other notable names that made me laugh my ass off in joy.
Jason Varitek, Catcher and Team Captain of the Redsox
Jeff Bagwell, Astros
John Rocker, former Braves closer and overall douchebag

some no shit names
Brady Anderson
Albert Belle
Mo Vaughn
Gary Sheffield

My Useless/Meaningless College Football Awards

I'm a big fan of best of the year lists. I'm also a fan of useless awards shows...well not the actual award shows themselves (those are painful and tedious) but the actual results of said award shows. and these days it seems like everyone and is throwing some kind of a pointless awards show that no one but the people nominated really give a shit about. and why should we here at A LIFETIME OF DEFEATS be left out? so here we are, ready to give out our own little blog awards for our favorite players and plays of the 2007 College Football Season. my apologies to fans of things that are fair and balanced as these awards are pretty heavy on the SEC because that's pretty much all i watched this year every single saturday from Noon to Midnight.

THE GOD DAMN YOU! AWARD- to your rival's best player who helped fuck your team's season up.

Knowshon Moreno- Runningback/Georgia, lead the Dawgs to big wins over Florida and Auburn. cranked dat souljaboy. wore a black jersey. pissed me off alot.


THE CHECKERS BURGER LINEMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD- best fat ass in college football who one day will be owning people in the NFL.

Andre Smith- Left Tackle/Alabama, was one of the loan bright spots for a snake bitten Bama O-line. will probably be a top 3 pick in the 2009 NFL draft. caught a touchdown pass in last season's bowl game against OK State. MB's favorite BAMA player since David Palmer.


THE HOLY SHIT! AWARD- best single performance by a player in one game.

Darren McFadden- Runningback/Arkansas, vs South Carolina on November 3rd, McFadden broke the SEC single game rushing record with 321 yards rushing against the Gamecocks. in a class move Steve Spurrier left McFadden off his Heisman ballot to return the favor.


MAN I WISH THAT GUY PLAYED FOR MY TEAM! The Player Of The Year

Tim Tebow- QB,Fullback,Linebacker,Machine/Florida, won the Heisman as a Sophomore, ended the argument that you must have a runningback to have a running game. broke the SEC rushing touchdown record as a motherfucking quarterback. loved Jesus and did the Gator chomp. cried when he lost to LSU. a freak of nature. brought football back to the 1920s while also sending it rocketing into the future. a man among boys. a beast.


EA SPORTS VIDEO GAME PLAYER OF THE YEAR- award for the best performance during my virtual college football season on NCAA Football 2008

Pat White- Quarterback, West Fucking Virginia, lead the virtual Mountaineers to an undefeated regular season and came up a game short to my Auburn Tigers in the BCS Championship. won the virtual Heisman trophy by rushing for 2,237 yards and 38 touchdowns and passing for another 2,511 yards and 34 touchdowns. rushed for over 400 yards 3 different times. scored 10 touchdowns against Louisville in a 98-7 route. returned a punt for a touchdown just for the fuck of it against UConn. was pretty much the best virtual athlete since Mike Vick on Madden 2004. total awesomeness.


AUBURN TIGERS PLAY OF THE YEAR

Auburn kicker Wes Byrum's game winning field goal against Florida in the swamp after already kicking a game winner on a timeout call. Chomp Chomp Motherfucker.


GAME OF THE YEAR (that i actually watched)

LSU vs Florida...aka the Jacob Hester game. if you didn't watch it then you missed a fucking war on the field. it was pretty obvious that the winner of that game was probably gonna end up winning the SEC and having a good shot at the national title. Tebow did everything he could but the Gators came up short thanks in part to LSU fullback, Jacob Hester and his many 4th down conversions. the Legend of Les Miles' balls began on this night.

Auburn is going Spread Eagle

lost is the shuffle of the Petrino bullshit is the fact that i am actually happy about something. Auburn offensive coordinator Al Borges resigned after 4 years of declining offensive output. Auburn finished 101st in the country in total offense and if you watched any of their games this season you knew that the D won every single fucking game that they played, minus Vanderbilt of course. i appreciate the fact that Borges was part of the magical 2004 season and helped turn Jason Campbell into an NFL level QB, but ever since then it's all been about the decline of the offense. hell, poor offensive play is what cost the team a possible shot at the national title last season and definitely lead to the losses to Mississippi State and South Florida this year.

his replacement is former Troy offensive coordinator, Tony Franklin, who will bring his pass happy spread attack to the Tigers. if Wilson can get the most out of the talented, yet young receivers and take advantage of an athletic QB like Kodi Burns and the loaded backfield of Tate, Fannin, Lester, and incoming freshman Enrique Davis then good things could be happening on the plains. hell the spread attack works for me on NCAA 2008, why not in reality? with any luck the offense will catch up with the stout defence and Auburn can win the SEC West next season. if anything they can't be as bad as they were this year.

PetriNooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so Bobby P decided he'd had enough coaching a worthless 3 win team who hated him and were more concerned with showing off their Free Mike Vick shirts during touchdown celebrations than they were of winning any football games. he's taken his playbook and his coaching skills to Arkansas and left the Falcons holding their dicks. honestly i could care less as a Falcons fan that Petrino decided to hang it up. Coaching in the SEC is a much better job than coaching one of the worst franchises in NFL history that's loaded with over payed players who are mostly brain dead losers anyways. all of that screaming and crying coming out of Atlanta is mostly just making me laugh. i love the idea of DeAngelo Hall calling some one's character into question. it smells of this funny little word irony that gets misused most of the time. whatever FUCK the Falcons! half the fans don't care anyways because they're all just holding out hope that Vick will be back someday to lead this team to 7-9 or 8-8 seasons, while the rest of us are left to curse the football gods for giving us such a soul crushing franchise to root for. i don't blame Petrino for getting out of town. all of this shit is still the fault of Rich McKay, Arthur Blanke, Jim Mora Jr., and of course Mike Vick. they created this mess and Petrino was smart enough to realize he needed to get the fuck out.

mostly all of this just pissed me off because the SEC West just got that much tougher. in a league that already had 8 of the 25 best coaches in the nation, now we've got another as well. I'm sure Petrino will have Arkansas winning 10 games and knocking off rivals soon enough, hell Houston Nutt was already doing that with the most basic offense in college football. also with the current situation at Auburn and this overwhelming since of dread that Tuberville is getting the fuck out of town as soon as the best situation possible presents itself, I'd kind of always saw Petrino as a nice backup plan. that's not to say that he couldn't be lured away from Arkansas in a few years (it's not like loyalty is the man's strongest suit) but still it's a situation that has become much more complicated. regardless Arkansas definitely ends up with a far better coach than they really deserve and in retrospect Petrino just made Nick Saban seem like a classy guy in comparison.

*i guess it goes without saying that Brian Brohm is NOT gonna be the next QB of the Falcons. i'm almost willing to bet that no player who ever was a member of any of Petrino's Louisville teams is gonna be wearing a Falcons' jersey anytime soon. i mean you know how this shit goes. your girlfriend dumps you for some asshole and you never speak to any of her friends ever again, except to maybe tell them that she's a fucking whore. right now i think it must really suck to be Chris Redman.

Adios Ron Mexico...it was nice playing as you on Madden

23 months = you will never play another game in the NFL again...probably. oh well, and so it goes for the greatest video game athlete of all time (behind Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson...i mean it's not even fair to put him in the running). every time you lost to some jackass on Madden who was using the Atlanta Falcons you fully understood how fucking awesome Mike Vick truly could be. i guess you gotta worry about Vince Young now gamers.

Coming To Terms With My Man Crush On Tim Tebow

2007 was by and far the strangest year in college football. and not because App State beat Michigan. not because Kentucky was ranked in the top 10 during the season. not because South Florida was a brief national title contender. not because Mississippi State beat Auburn AND Alabama. not because Nick Saban got paid 4 million dollars to lose to the Warhawks. not because Nebraska can't play defense. not because Miami and Florida State both suck and don't look like they are getting better anytime soon. not because Notre Dame lost to EVERYONE. not because Georgia wore black uniforms. not because USC lost to Standford AT HOME. no no no. not because LSU lost twice and STILL got to play for a National Title. no. none of those things made this the weirdest season in college football history.

at the end of the day, the absolute weirdest thing of the year was that i found myself cheering for a Florida Gator. I (a lifelong hater of all things Gator) found myself rooting for Tim Tebow and spouting such things as "I'd trade Auburn's entire recruiting class for Tim Tebow" and "he's the best college player since Bo Jackson" and other sorts of nonsense. yeah it's sad but true but i fucking love Tim Tebow. and how can you not? dude is fucking AWESOME! he smashes through the d-line like they were made of paper. he's got the ugliest throw in all of football and yet he chunks the shit out of it. he's a sweet and humble kid who totally breaks the mold that all home schooled kids are retarded. in an alternate reality Tebow is playing for Alabama and Mike Shula still has a job and i still fucking love that weirdo Christian Beast of A QB. he's made the spread option/single wing/Fullback Playing QB the most exciting offense in football. right now there are kids who should be playing middle linebacker that are learning to throw a football so that they can be the next Tebow. and that fucking rules. he's changed the way you think about what has always been the most fragile position in all of football.

god bless Tim Tebow. maybe someday you'll be a Falcon and i can root for you without shame.

THE ALL SEC TEAM

2007 ALL-SEC FOOTBALL TEAM
(*-Ties / #-Unanimous Selection) (Coaches could not vote for their own players)

Pos. Name School Ht. Wt. Cl. Hometown
FIRST-TEAM ALL-SEC -- OFFENSE
TE Jacob Tamme Kentucky 6-5 240 Sr. Danville, Ky.
OL Robert Felton Arkansas 6-4 320 Sr. Houston, Texas
OL Andre Smith Alabama 6-4 348 So. Birmingham, Ala.
OL Anthony Parker Tennessee 6-3 305 Jr. Jonesboro, Ga.
OL *Herman Johnson LSU 6-7 356 Jr. Olla, La.
OL *Michael Oher Ole Miss 6-5 325 Jr. Memphis, Tenn.
OL *Chris Williams Vanderbilt 6-6 320 Sr. Glynn, La.
C Jonathan Luigs Arkansas 6-4 315 Jr. Little Rock, Ark.
WR Kenny McKinley South Carolina 6-0 177 Jr. Mableton, Ga.
WR Earl Bennett Vanderbilt 6-1 202 Jr. Birmingham, Ala.
QB Tim Tebow Florida 6-3 235 So. Jacksonville, Fla.
RB # Darren McFadden Arkansas 6-2 215 Jr. Little Rock, Ark.
RB Knowshon Moreno Georgia 5-11 207 Fr. Belford, N.J.

SECOND-TEAM ALL-SEC -- OFFENSE
TE Cornelius Ingram Florida 6-4 230 Jr. Hawthorne, Fla.
OL Carlton Medder Florida 6-5 319 Sr. Clermont, Fla.
OL Michael Brown Mississippi State 6-5 300 Jr. College Park, Ga.
OL *Ciron Black LSU 6-5 320 So. Tyler, Texas
OL *Antoine Caldwell Alabama 6-4 288 Jr. Montgomery, Ala.
OL *Nate Garner Arkansas 6-7 318 Sr. Roland, Ark.
OL *Mitch Petrus Arkansas 6-4 300 Jr. Carlisle, Ark.
OL *Jim Tartt Florida 6-3 316 Jr. Sopchoppy, Fla.
OL *Garry Williams Kentucky 6-4 325 Jr. Louisville, Ky.
C Fernando Velasco Georgia 6-4 318 Sr. Wrens, Ga.
WR Percy Harvin Florida 5-11 187 So. Virginia Beach, Va.
WR DJ Hall Alabama 6-3 186 Sr. Ft. Walton Beach, Fla.
QB Andre' Woodson Kentucky 6-5 230 Sr. Radcliff, Ky.
RB Felix Jones Arkansas 6-0 207 Jr. Tulsa, Okla.
RB Jacob Hester LSU 6-0 228 Sr. Shreveport, La.

FIRST-TEAM ALL-SEC -- DEFENSE
DL # Glenn Dorsey LSU 6-2 303 Sr. Gonzales, La.
DL Wallace Gilberry Alabama 6-4 264 Sr. Bay Minette, Ala.
DL *Quentin Groves Auburn 6-3 254 Sr. Greenville, Miss.
DL *Greg Hardy Ole Miss 6-5 255 So. Millington, Tenn.
DL *Eric Norwood South Carolina 6-0 258 So. Acworth, Ga.
LB # Ali Highsmith LSU 6-1 225 Sr. Miami, Fla.
LB # Wesley Woodyard Kentucky 6-1 212 Sr. LaGrange, Ga.
LB Jerod Mayo Tennessee 6-2 230 Jr. Hampton, Va.
LB Brandon Spikes Florida 6-3 243 So. Shelby, N.C.
DB # Craig Steltz LSU 6-2 209 Sr. New Orleans, La.
DB Chevis Jackson LSU 6-0 184 Sr. Mobile, Ala.
DB * Simeon Castille Alabama 6-1 189 Sr. Birmingham, Ala.
DB * Rashad Johnson Alabama 6-0 186 Jr. Sulligent, Ala.
DB * Jonathan Hefney Tennessee 5-9 185 Sr. Rock Hill, S.C.
DB * Captain Munnerlyn South Carolina 5-9 180 So. Mobile, Ala.

SECOND-TEAM ALL-SEC -- DEFENSE
DL Titus Brown Mississippi State 6-3 250 Sr. Tuscaloosa, Ala.
DL Derrick Harvey Florida 6-4 262 Jr. Greenbelt, Md.
DL Jeremy Jarmon Kentucky 6-3 268 So. Collierville, Tenn.
LB Jonathan Goff Vanderbilt 6-4 235 Sr. Lynn, Mass.
LB Rico McCoy Tennessee 6-1 215 So. Washington, D.C.
LB Darry Beckwith LSU 6-1 230 Jr. Baton Rouge, La.
LB *Jamar Chaney Mississippi State 6-1 236 Jr. Fort Pierce, Fla.
LB *Dannell Ellerbe Georgia 6-1 232 Jr. Hamlet, N.C.
DB D.J. Moore Vanderbilt 5-10 180 So. Spartanburg, S.C.
DB Emanuel Cook South Carolina 5-11 211 So. Riviera Beach, Fla.
DB Michael Grant Arkansas 5-11 186 Sr. Stone Mountain, Ga.
DB *Eric Berry Tennessee 5-11 195 Fr. Fairburn, Ga.
DB *Derek Pegues Mississippi State 5-10 196 Jr. Batesville, Miss.

FIRST-TEAM ALL-SEC -- SPECIAL TEAMS
PK Colt David LSU 5-9 173 Jr. Grapevine, Texas
P Patrick Fisher LSU 6-5 238 Sr. Hyattsville, Md.
RS Felix Jones Arkansas 6-0 207 Jr. Tulsa, Okla.

SECOND-TEAM ALL-SEC -- SPECIAL TEAMS
PK Daniel Lincoln Tennessee 6-0 204 Fr. Ocala, Fla.
P *Britton Colquitt Tennessee 6-3 205 Jr. Knoxville, Tenn.
P *Ryan Shoemaker Auburn 6-0 188 Fr. Birmingham, Ala.
RS Brandon James Florida 5-6 181 So. St. Augustine, Fla.

Who Got Them Heismans? (The Final Battle)

who gonna crank dat' Heisman? it's on bitches. the season be over but the shit talking is at an all time high. here are the big 3 that get to battle it out for the world's biggest paperweight.

-Tim Tebow, QB/Florida- had video game like numbers, running and throwing. made even the best SEC defences (except Auburn) look silly. the most dominate player in the SEC since Bo. already a legend. probably will be an awesome fullback in the NFL. June Jones thinks he's overrated and that he couldn't run Hawaii's offense.

-Colt Brennan, QB/Hawaii- threw for about a million touchdowns. out Ty Detmered Ty Detmer. went undefeated. Junes Jones says he's the best player in College Football. everyone else cries that he's a system QB in a weak conference. but hey aren't they all just system quarterbacks? the dude deserves to go to New York at the very least.

-Darren McFadden, RB/Arkansas- Arkansas born and bread boys. has a sweet ride. brings wood to games. the best running back in the SEC in 20 years. a threat to run and pass. beat LSU (not that it ended up mattering). will dominate in the NFL unlike these other guys. the future. if there was justice in the world then they'd build a statue of him in Arkansas and pray to it daily. GIVE THIS MAN HIS FUCKING HEISMAN!

if they let me vote this is what my top 5 would look like.

1. Darren McFadden, Arkansas
2. Tim Tebow, Florida
3. Colt Brennan, Hawaii
4. Dennis Dixon, Oregon
5. Pat White, West Virginia

THE NFLs Week 13 (Fuck The Patriots)

-seriously, i hate those guys. watching the game last night, it was just oh so obvious that no matter what the Ravens did, the Patriots were still gonna win. and on the final drive the Ravens stopped them 3 times on 4th down but all were negated by either penalties or poorly called timeouts. The game was about as predictable as an episode of Heroes and more and more i am accepting the fact that NOONE is gonna beat New England. someone needs to pull a Dresden on the city of Boston. fucking Massholes.
-if the Cowboys beat the Packers and noone watches, does it really happen?
-Vince Young can throw the ball, apparently. don't hate. the man just wins. he's dumb as a rock but awesome as hell. fuck the Madden curse.
-The Colts decide to show up and beat the Jags. hurry back Marvin. Peyton and The Thug Apologists need you.
-Chargers win. they still suck. the AFC West is possibly worse than the NFC south.
-The Saints pulled one of the biggest choke jobs of the season with a stupid reverse play while trying to run out the clock. last time i checked pounding it up the middle was the best option in that situation. but then again i'm not an offensive genius like Sean Payton. also it's about time to come to terms with the fact that Reggie Bush is not an elite runningback. he's just a really good running back who was really fast in college. Peterson is miles ahead of him.
-Falcons still suck...please don't draft a QB. do everything you can and trade everything you've got to get McFadden. PLEASE!!!!!!
-so much for the Dolphins being able to beat a team. The Jets just destroyed them. 0-16 is real and it's happening.
-what isn't happening is Detriot winning 10 games. god has forsaken you John Kitna.
-that's okay though, cuz Purple Jesus IS going to the playoffs and he's taking my fantasy team with him to a championship. I HEART PURPLE JESUS.
-in the battle of teams that are never good, but suddenly got respectable, the Cardinals took out Cleveland (thanks to that shitty no touchdown call). i hope both of these teams make the playoffs...if only because their fans have suffered so much.
-Grossman and Eli try to outsuck each other. Eli wins. i hate the Giants.
-The Raiders win. i'm gonna bust out my Bo Jackson jersey and root hard for them, starting next season. Black and Silver will be all the rage in 08. i'm calling it now.

What's Your Fantasy? (What Would Purple Jesus Do?)

Adrian Peterson returned...just in time to save my fantasy team from sure defeat. his 17 points were the highest totals from and otherwise shitty team effort. gotta love that Purple Jesus. when me and MB win this fucking league we are taking our winnings to the titty bar and asking a stripper to wear a Vikings' Peterson jersey while giving us a victory dance. of course this will never actually happen, but a Thug must dream of a better life in these trying times. 10-3 bitch. that's how we do.

CRY ME A RIVER

this one goes out to the Georgia Bulldogs, USC Trojans, and Oklahoma Sooners. it's okay baby, i know it's not fair.



while watching the BCS selection show last night i found myself laughing as the Herbie-bot kept telling everyone how the BCS "got it right". which is all well and fine if you are an LSU or Ohio State fan. but honestly it's kinda laughable to ever say that a completely fucked up and useless system being controlled partially by computers and partially by humanoid coaches who never watch any college football, except film of teams they play, can ever get anything right...much less a game that decides the national champion of college football. will this be the season that finally gets us a playoff? probably not, but it's definitely a step in the right direction. USC and Oklahoma get to feel the burn that kept Auburn out of the BCS championship in 04. Georgia gets to learn what it's like to be Michigan last year. it's hard to feel bad for any of these teams, Oklahoma lost to a lousy Colorado team and Texas Tech. USC lost to a terrible Standford team. Georgia got beat by a South Carolina team that ended up being 6-6 and got blown the fuck out by Tennessee. how can you really argue that any of those schools are worthy of being #1 or #2?

i say fuck it and let Hawaii play for the national title this year, because noone is going to accept the winner of the LSU and Ohio State game as the legit title holder except for fans of those schools and robots. or better yet, let's just award the 2004 Auburn Tigers this year's National Title and make me happy.

The Most Useless Of All Blogpolls Week 14

A Lifetime of Defeats Week 14 Top 25

1. LSU
2. Ohio State
3. USC
4. Georgia
5. Oklahoma
6. Virginia Tech
7. Missouri
8. Kansas
9. Florida
10. Hawaii
11. West Fucking Virginia
12. Arizona State
13. Illinois
14. Boston College
15. Clemson
16. Tennessee
17. BYU
18. Wisconsin
19. Auburn
20. Virginia
21. Texas
22. Arkansas
23. Boise State
24. Cincinnati
25. South Florida

-so the final weekend of the season ends in disaster (again) and we get the total clusterfuck of a national title between LSU (best team in the best conference) vs Ohio State (best team, that the media always has a hard on for, with only one loss). normally i'd go ahead and say this is gonna be a total blowout and Ohio State will have visions of last year's ass whipping running through their heads...but the way LSU plays down to every one of their opponents + the craziest season in college football history = who fucking knows? i'm half expecting LSU the beat OSU in a low scoring and boring as hell game and then for USC to destroy Illinois in the Rose Bowl and end up splitting the national title with LSU AGAIN. a fact that the media will largely ignore when sucking off Pete Carrol for the next few seasons and talking about USC's 3 national titles in 5 years....blah fucking blah. fuck this season, when does next year start?

Baby, Please Don't Go

i think a famous line in the movie Goodfellas pretty much sums up what's going on with Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville right now, "Fuck You, pay me!"

reports are flying out of the Arkansas media (yep they have media in Arkansas) that Tuberville has agreed to take the Razorbacks head coaching job and that Wal-Mart and Jerry Jones are all paying the bills. like i needed another reason to hate the Cowboys or the Walton family. hey man if Tubby wants the Arkansas job then he can have it. but seriously Auburn is about to be seriously and totally fucked if these rumors are in fact true. with Saban already dominating recruiting in the state of Alabama this season whatever coach would come in would have to play catchup really really fast. even worse is the fact Muschamp might be leaving with Tubby or else looking for a head coaching job of his own. it's unlikely that the Tigers would be willing to promote him, without any head coaching experience. Petrino would be the most likely desired replacement if Tubbs bolts. i'm not sure though if he's ready to jump from the fiery wreckage of the Atlanta Falcons just yet, but if Auburn could pay him out the ear it's a possibility. Petrino is also rumored to be one of LSU's replacement candidates for if/when Les Miles takes that Michigan job. i'm pretty sure LSU would be the more desireable job for Petrino if he did want to come back to college. other unilkely, yet possible canidates would be Mike Leach or Spurrier (yeah fucking right). who knew 6 years in a row would have such a mighty price tag attached to it?

i guess this is what we get for cheating on him back in 03.

MOTHERFUCKER!!!

excuse me while i go shoot myself in the face.

FUCK THE NFL NETWORK

the 2nd biggest game of the season, Packers @ Cowboys, is being shown on a channel that noone i know has and hardly any bars i'd wanna be in get either. i think the LAST thing the NFL needs is more fucking money for some premium cable channel that only shows games half of the season and the rest of the time shows live practice and combine workouts. that being said, if the SEC does ever get their own network i will become a slave to it and pay out the ear to watch every Auburn game i can get my hands on. but then again, i am a sucker.

Maybe I Should Go Shopping Or Something

With Auburn's football season on hold for the moment and the prospects of a West Virginia vs. Ohio State BCS title game coming up (sorry Missouri but i live in the reality where you guys got your asses kicked by the Sooners last time you played) I'm sort of lost as to what i should do on my Saturdays until the Bowl Season begins. granted there is one more weekend of College Football coming up, with the conference championships games, Army vs Navy, USC vs UCLA, and other such randomness. but all of that really just doesn't exactly "do it" for me. mostly it just equals alot of people crying about a playoff or saying who deserves a shot at the BCS title more and blah fucking blah. YES, OF COURSE we need a playoff. 4 teams, 8 teams, 16...whatever. anything, but guess what, it's not happening this year...or next year...or anytime soon, so spending hours and hours of sports talk radio and valuable airtime complaining about it is a useless waste of time that could be better spent making fun of the Big 10+1 and how Ohio State is gonna get manhandled in either the Rose Bowl by USC or The BCS Title game by West Fucking Virginia (oh please let that happen. seeing Ohio State's overrated linebacking corp trying to chase Pat White, Steve Slaton, and Noel Devine up and down the field will be good for a laugh).

anyways I'll probably end up watching the SEC Championship game...but other than that my Saturday looks wide open for the first time since late August. what will i do with all this free time? yard work? not likely. shopping for x-mas presents? ehhh, that's what the Internet is for. more than likely I'll be going to see "No Country For Old Men" and then plotting the next move in my quest for Fantasy Football Domination. Purple Jesus is back, in case you hadn't heard.

have i mentioned how glad i am that Auburn beat Alabama?

six in a row, six in a row, no player currently attending Auburn University has any idea what it's like to lose an Iron Bowl, equally not a single player on Bama knows what it's like to win one. it sure is fucking great to be a Tigers fan. this is the only time of the year i really wish i did still live in the state of Alabama, if only because the only friend i have who roots for the Tide isn't the kind of friend i'd taunt mercilessly.

regardless much love and respect go out to Quentin Groves, Cole Bennett, Carl Stewart, and all the other seniors who have lead Auburn this season. and a special place in my heart will always be left for Brandon Cox.

say what you will about the young man, (throws too many picks, takes too many sacks, has a rag arm, has gotten worse every year since his first season) he will go down in Auburn history as 3-0 lifetime as a starter against the Crimson Tide and honestly that makes up for every pick he's ever thrown in every game he's ever played. the kid was always a warrior and he's played hurt and fought the disease Myasthenia gravis his entire career at Auburn and that's the kind of thing that makes you wanna stand up and give the kid a round of applause. he'll never play a single down in the NFL, but as far as I'm concerned he's one of the greatest QBs to ever play for the Tigers and I'll never forget him...regardless of what Cox does in whatever fucking bowl game Auburn ends up in...he'll always be the guy who NEVER lost to Alabama.

You Will Always Be A Legend in the hearts of Tigers fans.

all that being said, thank god he's finally gone and i hope Kodi Burns can learn the simple of concept of not throwing into triple coverage.

Oh Shit!

Houston Nutt just got the Ole' Miss job. this of course equals Ole' Miss becoming immediately better and then beating Auburn every other year or so. FUCK!!! here i was hoping we'd get some NFL retread or some MAC coach. nope, instead we get good old Nutt. i'm glad to see Houston found a job, but i was kinda hoping he'd go save SMU and bring the wild hawg with him. with any luck Arkansas will fall off the map and become a college football wasteland kinda like pre-2007 Mississippi State...but that's probably hoping against hope. no, i think all this move really does is make the SEC West that much tougher. fuck this league, Auburn needs to just go join the Big 10 and dominate that motherfucker. they already play ugly, boring, Big 10 football anyways.

a little tribute to Nutt...via the ole Youtube.

R.I.P. Sean Taylor

as if things weren't bad enough for the U, they lose another former player. i'm starting to think there might be some kind of a U of Miami curse. or maybe just living in Miami is a bad fucking idea. either way this totally sucks.

Useless Blogpoll Week 13

A Lifetime of Defeats Week 13 Top 25

1. West Fucking Virginia
2. Missouri
3. Ohio State
4. Georgia
5. LSU
6. Kansas
7. USC
8. Virginia Tech
9. Oklahoma
10. Hawaii
11. Florida
12. Boston College
13. Tennessee
14. Arizona State
15. Illinois
16. Clemson
17. BYU
18. Wisconsin
19. Auburn
20. Virginia
21. Texas
22. Oregon
23. Arkansas
24. Cincinatti
25. South Florida
Bonus ranking
26. Mississippi State

-West Fucking Virginia is 1 game away from playing in the BCS title. one of my wildest dreams is almost true. if that doesn't get the powers the be to design some sort of a playoff or plus one system then NOTHING will. their likely opponent will be a Missouri team that NOONE would have picked to be the AP Number 1 at any point this season, this is of course if Oklahoma doesn't beat them for the 2nd time this season in the Big 12 Championship...a scenario i likely see happening which gives us a West Virginia vs Ohio State match up. BORING. OSU will just get blown out by another team with lots of speed and a spread attack. that's pretty much what always happens to them in such scenarios.
-poor Oregon. they are so fucked.
-McFadden just stole LSU's National Title and Tebow's Heisman on the same night. god, that dude fucking rules.
-Brandon Cox is a legend for life in the state of Alabama. all is forgiven young man. all is forgiven.
-Hawaii deserves to play in a BCS bowl. anyone who disagrees with that is just a douchebag. they've beaten better teams than Ohio State has this season.
-Tennessee is the luckiest team in the country...and they're probably gonna be beat LSU in the SEC title game. so much for Les Miles and his magical balls. so much for that Michigan job too.
-CROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Six

i never thought i would ever live enough years to see Auburn beat Alabama 6 times in a row. guess i was wrong. after the debacle in Athens a few weeks ago i really needed the Tigers to win this game or i might have sworn off football for a year.

it was a classic Iron Bowl and one for the ages for Auburn fans. our crippled QB scored the game clinching touchdown and our defence reminded everyone that minus that hiccup against the Dawgs they are the best in the SEC.


the play of the game was right at the end of the second half when DJ Hall gave us a little help and bobbled a ball in the end zone and Jerraud Powers then picked off.

the second best play of the game might have been that dog in the end zone who bit Powers' hand. everyone knows dogs in Alabama are racist as shit.


and in the second half it was pretty much Ben Tate and Brad Lester pounding the ball up the middle and on to victory.

pay Tubby whatever the fuck he wants. he's earned it. it's never been as good to be an Auburn Tiger as it has been these last 4 years. WAR DAMN EAGLE!


obviously i will write more about this later.

Logjam of Mediocrity

Currently Colorado and Nebraska are in a shootout for the final crappy bowl spot being offered to the Big 12. not very many years ago this was a game between top 5 teams trying to make it into a BCS title game. oh how the mighty have fallen. Zen Wizard/Football coach Dan Hawkins is attempting to bring Colorado back to respectability...where as Nebraska coach Bill Callahan has done more damage with the West Coast offence to the once mighty Cornhuskers than Texas, Oklahoma, or the rest of the Big 12 could have ever pulled off combined. anyways, it's 35-24 at half time. whatever happened to fucking defense in the Big 12?

Suicide Watch Week 13 (IRON BOWL EDITION)

It's Iron Bowl weekend friends and foes. Auburn vs. Bama. the big one. THE RIVALRY in all of the South. The day of the year where the pride of the state of Alabama is on the line. the winner may taunt his rival for another 364 days mercilessly. Auburn is trying to make it 6 in a row for the first time ever. Bama is just trying to make the bleeding stop.

coming into this game Auburn is the favorite, but when it comes to this series records don't mean shit. Auburn's toughest game during the undefeated 2004 season was beating a hapless 4-6 Bama team who'd lost their starting QB midway through the season. one of the most painful losses in Auburn history was losing to a lousy Bama team off a Van Tiffin field goal during the 85 Iron Bowl...putting a taint on Bo Jackson's Heisman winning season. so basically being a 6 point favorite doesn't mean shit.

the key word to this game today will be QB play....or lack there of. John Parker Wilson has managed the lose Bama at least 2 games this season...and possibly 3 depending on who you ask, with costly picks and fumbles in tight games. Brandon Cox has also been an interception machine with 11 this season vs only 9 td passes. he tossed 4 against Georgia which helped lead to the blowout, he had 2 in losses against Mississippi State and South Florida each. and if i was asked to predict the line for both QBs it'd probably look something like this:

Brandon Cox- 12/24 165 yds 1 touchdown 3 picks (1 taken back for a td), 5 sacks


John Parker Wilson- 16/35 2 touchdown 2 picks 1 fumble, 8 sacks


not exactly fantasy numbers by any stretch of the imagination.

for Auburn to win it's 6th Iron Bowl in a row they will have to do it with their defence (which has been awesome...minus the UGA game) and with their running game. they definitely own an edge against Bama in both of those departments. Bama can counter with a better passing attack, thanks to DJ Hall and with an explosive return game. Auburn has the better kicker. and Auburn is playing at home...which also hasn't guaranteed victories the past couple of years. honestly i think Auburn will win. but who the fuck knows, both teams lost games to Mississippi State and Georgia and LSU. the winner is probably looking at a trip to either the Peach Bowl or the Liberty Bowl and if Bama loses they might be sitting at home in December. mostly i'm just disappointed at how both teams seasons have closed out. there was a point in this season where both teams were ranked and playing well and i'd hoped they'd both be rolling in ranked in the top 25 and that this game might even decide who won the SEC West...instead it's just gonna determine whose getting to go to a shitty bowl vs who goes to a shittier bowl.

fuck it. i'm just gonna get drunk and watch this game in silence with MB and hope for the best.

potential for tragedy: 9 (it's Bama...i don't care how much they've been sucking...they can always beat Auburn)

method of suicide: gun to the head, Cobain style (no...i don't have gun)

10 Things To Be Thankful For in 2007

1. You aren't a Notre Dame fan
2. The Yankees didn't win the World Series (although the Red Sox winning it is basically the same thing now)
3. In a year when Vick and Tyson and OJ all either went to or are gonna end up going to jail at least Kobe didn't rape anyone
4. You didn't get lead poisoning from that Football you bought to play catch with that was made in China
5. You aren't a Michigan player who came back for his Senior season to win a BCS title and hurt his draft stock (not to mention got beat by App State)
6. You didn't pay your head coach 4 million dollars to lose to something called the Warhawks (sorry Mike)
7. Your favorite team's starting quarterback didn't throw 4 interceptions to your 2nd biggest rival and a blowout loss for the second year in a row (oh wait that did happen to me)
8. Your fantasy football team got Purple Jesus in the 4th round
9. You aren't Bobby Petrino
10. Knowshon Moreno hasn't fucked your girlfriend/sister/mom/long time crush.....yet

and for a special bonus things to be thankful for (if you happen to hate Shawn Merriman and think he's a trash talking, 'roid freak, douchebag). this play.

Useless Blogpoll Week 12

A Lifetime of Defeats Week 12 Top 25

1. LSU
2. Kansas
3. West Fucking Virginia
4. Missouri
5. Ohio State
6. Georgia
7. Arizona State
8. Oregon (but you know they are totally fucked)
9. Virginia Tech
10. Oklahoma
11. Hawaii (why the fuck not?)
12. USC
13. Texas
14. Florida
15. Boston College
16. Virginia
17. Boise State
18. Tennessee
19. Illinois
20. Wisconsin
21. Clemson
22. UConn
23. BYU
24. Auburn
25. South Florida

-poor poor Dennis Dixon and Oregon. they went from National Title hopefuls to the Holiday Bowl in one buckled kneecap. Brady Leaf (brother of Ryan Leaf) gets to lead them on a two game losing streak and then probably a blowout loss in a bowl game to a pissed off Oklahoma team who wants revenge on that bullshit loss to the Ducks last year in Eugene where the Pac 10 refs cheated them out of a win.
-speaking of Oklahoma, Stoops pulled his annual choke on a big fat cock to a lesser team. granted they already lost to Colorado this year, but that was a sort of flukish loss that was more about them taking Colorado lightly after getting the lead than it was about getting out played. Texas Tech on the other hand just gave them a savage beating that only a team who throws the ball 800 times a game can give you.
-i can't believe Kansas/Missouri is going to be the game of the week. what alternate reality have we slipped into?
-so much for Kentucky beating UGA. at this point i would be rooting hard for Tennessee to beat Kentucky this week if i was LSU because i sure as shit wouldn't wanna face the Dawgs in the Dome for the SEC title. sure Stafford might throw half a dozen picks, but Knowshon might drop 250 on LSU. and then the SEC would be locked out of the national title game with West Virginia having a clear shot at destroying Kansas in New Orleans. if you simulated a season of NCAA Football 2008 on your Playstation 2 about 576 times you'd probably never end up with that match up in a title game....EVER. and such is the 2007 College Football season.
-Notre Dame beats Duke. and the Notre Dame fans were stoked. too bad it wasn't a basketball game and your team still fucking sucks. why don't you tools go join the MAC and see if you can compete for one of those crappy bowl spots.
-Houston Nutt said, "peace out bitches" and is heading for the hills. good luck getting Tubby to come coach at that shithole. McFadden and Jones are so leaving for the NFL after this season. Arkansas is looking like they might be the worst team in the SEC next year, except they'll still somehow beat Auburn at Jordan-Hare.
-Auburn was able to defeat their bye week and move back into the AP Top 25. way to go Tigers.
-the same can't be said for BAMA. oh Bama, you dishonor the whole conference when you lose to a Sun Belt team. maybe Todd Blackledge was right when he called Troy the best team in the state of Alabama. that being said, don't be surprised if BAMA somehow beats Auburn in the Iron Bowl this weekend. it's the sort of bullshit that always happens in that fucking game. if a picture was worth 4 millions dollars then this is it.

sorry Mike.
-peace out Lloyd Carr. he "retired" today or at least that's what they are calling it. i call it another word that rhymes with retired. Les Miles will be taking that job, thank you very much, and seeing if his mighty balls can work some magic in that lousy Big 10 or 11 or whatever next season.
-Hawaii keeps on winning. Boise State vs Hawaii for the WAC title. i expect somewhere just south of 120 points combined in this one. my early lean is with the Smurfs. they fucking own that conference and one day they'll be the 11th team in the Pac 10...i'm sure of it.
-crank dat Heisman Tebow. if you keep putting up mind numbing stats like you have been then they might rename the Trophy after your mutant ass.

SUICIDE WATCH (bye week)

So my Tigers are off Suicide Watch this week. which is good, after killing themselves for the 4th time of the year they could use a break.


but that doesn't mean other fans are off the hook. Oregon fans hung themselves in a closet with "radio friendly unit shifter" playing in the background after getting their Heisman QB and National Title hopes snatched from them at the same time with their loss to Arizona last night. it's hard out there for the number 2 teams. right now it's looking like LSU will face the winner of the Big 12 (most likely Oklahoma) in the BCS title game...but don't be surprised if both of those teams go down and we end up with Ohio State vs West Virginia in a title game that noone would have picked at the beginning of the season.

teams on the watch this weekend
-Michigan, about to be beaten by Ohio State for the 6th time in 7 years or something like that. your coach is about to be fired/retired. your probably going to the Outback Bowl and get blown out by Kentucky. just be grateful you won't have to play Oregon again in the Rose Bowl. with or without Dennis Dixon they'd still drop 50 on your ass.
-Georgia, sure i am probably just being a hater...but word on the street is that the kids will be bringing bags of Sugar to the Kentucky/Georgia game this weekend. i believe they call that counting your chickens before they hatch in certain parts of this country. it would be sweet Southern Justice if Woodson and Kentucky dropped the hammer on this UGA winning streak and sent Georgia on a one way ticket to the Peach Bowl...or whatever it's called now.
-LSU, is playing the WORST team in the SEC. probably feels like they are ready to start preparing the kick some lousy Big 12 teams ass in New Orleans and bring a 2nd National Title home in the last 5 years...but don't sleep on Ole' Miss. they've played every good team they've faced tough and almost beaten Florida and Alabama.
-Notre Dame, i mean honestly at this point it's just piling on...but there is a very real possibility the Duke could beat the Irish this weekend. 1-9 is bad, but 1-10 with a loss to Navy and Air Force and fucking Duke...in fucking football. well you might just find a whole lot of Catholics just saying fuck it about that whole going to hell thing and pulling a Jonestown up in South Bend.
-Hawaii, playing against an okay Nevada team on Friday night in the cold desert air. don't be surprised if Brennan (who might not be able to play) and the Rainbow Warriors go down and their hopes at a BCS bowl go down with them.
-West Fucking Virginia, with Oregon losing and with other possible upsets on the horizon the Mountaineers could sneak into the national title game...unfortunately they are playing a Cincinnati team that CAN and WILL upset a motherfucker or two every given year. watch out Pat White.

Looking Into The Future

Auburn has released their 2008 Schedule and it's a little easier than the past couple of seasons. the major test being a road game against a very talented West Virginia team in Morgantown. why Auburn decided to go play a team like West Fucking Virginia in their house with a brand new QB under center next year is anyone's guess. West Virginia is likely to be a national title contender next year and ranked in the top 5 when the Tigers roll into town and they'll be looking to make a statement against one of the SEC's elite teams. if Auburn hasn't figured out their offense then it could get real ugly, real fast...good defense or not. Pat White can make you look silly, just ask Georgia.

other big games will be Tennessee, Arkansas, LSU, BAMA, and UGA. the Tigers' schedule looks a little bit easier than the past few seasons since they don't have to play Florida (which i guess actually worked out pretty good for Auburn with them going 2-0 against the Gators) and then scheduling Southern Miss instead of another BCS school like a Kansas State or Washington State. Arkansas will likely be down next year with McFadden and possibly Felix Jones both bolting for the NFL. LSU will hopefully be down a bit as well with a likely exit of their major skill players leaving for the NFL if they manage to win the National Title this season, like what happened to Florida last season.

i guess everything will depend on what happens with Tubberville and then what happens with the quarterback position next season. is Kodi Burns ready to step in and lead the Tigers? the running game should be solid and the young offensive line will be seasoned. the D only loses Groves...which is a BIG loss, but the young guys who stepped in for him have all played well, especially Antonio Coleman who seems to have taken on the role of the dreadlocked sack machine that was started by Stanley McClover and then passed onto Quentin Groves. the Linebackers should be solid...assuming none of them get arrested, suspended, or seriously injured. and the secondary will be a total crapshoot. the safeties will be good, the corners will be young. luckily most of these teams can't fucking throw. thanks for small favors in the SEC.

2008 AUBURN FOOTBALL SCHEDULE

Aug. 30 LOUISIANA-MONROE
Sept. 6 at West Virginia
Sept. 13 at Mississippi State
Sept. 20 LSU
Sept. 27 TENNESSEE
Oct. 4 at Vanderbilt
Oct. 11 ARKANSAS
Oct. 18 SOUTHERN MISS
Nov. 1 at Ole Miss
Nov. 8 TENNESSEE-MARTIN
Nov. 15 GEORGIA
Nov. 29 at Alabama

OPEN DATES: Oct. 25, Nov. 22

We're All Doomed

with Auburn's season in quick decline and the potential that our head coach might be heading to either the school that stole Bama's old coach (Texas a&m) or to one of our biggest rivals in conference (lsu) it could be a REALLY REALLY long off season. worst case scenario for this season will be Auburn losing the Iron Bowl and then getting beaten by some shitty mid major team in a worthless bowl game. right now best case scenario is probably going to the Peach Bowl or Chick-Fil-A bowl or whatever it's called and losing to Clemson or Virginia or Virginia Tech. regardless hopes of a New Year's Day bowl are gone and Tiger nation might be suffering it's own blackout soon enough...as in death of the program's SEC dominance during the Tubberville era. the SEC is a funny thing. one season can completely blow up your program and send it straight into the tubes for a number of years....especially with Saban at BAMA, a super talented and young Georgia team on the rise, and LSU maintaining their status as monsters of the SEC West, with or without Les Miles. recruiting is gonna be a sonofabitch.

okay i am totally overreacting in the most negative way following a very embarrassing loss. this is how i roll. one bad thing happens and everything is ruined. that's my mentality. maybe this is why i should get some less stressful hobbies, like high stakes poker or base jumping. regardless i'm definently feeling alot of dread and i'm gonna care more about the results of this year's BAMA/Auburn game than i have in years.

THE NFLs Week 10 (who the fuck even knows anymore)

-everybody's drinkin' the Steelers Kool Aid and calling for them to be the one to knock off the Patriots. i say barely beating the Browns does not an elite team make.
-speaking of elite teams, what the fuck was up with that Colts/Chargers game. it was the game no one wanted to win, with horrible performances from the NFLs greatest QB and Kicker. Peyton throws 6 picks and they still almost won the game...with half of their starting lineup hurt. i wouldn't panic just yet Indy fans.
-so much for the Redskins being my darkhorse NFC team.
-so much for the Lions being my darkhorse NFC team.
-Sex Cannon is back baby! Throwing Bombs with Pick Sixes to come. you know i'm picking him up for my fantasy team.
-Bengals beat the Ravens without scoring a single touchdown. amazingly bad football was played in this one. the Ravens are over.
-Vince Young is a strange football player. it's like watching the big kid playing pick up football with a bunch of really fast middle schoolers.
-The Falcons have decided to win JUST ENOUGH games this season to not land a top 5 draft pick which kinda feels like a bad thing to me. no McFadden, probably no Brohm, hell no Glenn Dorsey either. fuck it, just draft the best left tackle available and get some receivers and linebackers in the next couple of rounds.
-the 49ers might be the least improved team in the NFL. all those experts picking them to win the west should just hand in their credentials and go back to calling robot war matches. fuck that team. watching the Niners play football just makes me bored. at least the Dolphins suck with some flair.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Fantasy Football Nightmares Are My Reality

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Purple Jesus hurt his knee. i can see my fantasy season tumbling down around me. WHY??? isn't it bad enough that the Georgia Bulldogs slaughtered my Auburn Tigers and that The Falcons suck?! why you gotta kick a brother while he's down and take away his Purple Jesus?!? that being said, somehow my team won it's 7th game and is in a three way log jam for 1st place. Use those magic powers, Purple Jesus, to heal your knee and come back to us. Thug Apologists can't live without you.

Sing Me A Song Of Sorrow

so it's been a few days since the Blackout Massacre and i've had some time to absorb all of the pain and sorrow that such an embarrassing destruction of my Auburn Tigers has inflicted upon me. i am left mostly with huge questions that can't possibly have any answers. How the fuck can Auburn shut down Darren McFadden and Felix Jones but then let Knowshon Moreno and Thomas Brown tear through their D Line like it was Kentucky? how do you mostly keep in check Florida's passing attack and yet you give up bomb after bomb to Matt Stafford? also when the fuck did Georgia's receiving corp learn how to catch? how do you climb back into a game and take a 20-17 lead and then just completely fall apart and get blown out by 25 points in a fucking rivalry game? why didn't Auburn just stick with Ben Tate and the ground game instead of forcing passes with Brandon Cox who obviously has some sick desire to throw as many picks as possible when facing the Dawgs?

SERIOUSLY this was the WORST LOSS i can ever remember against Georgia. last year the game was pretty much over after the first few drives when a crippled Cox threw pick after pick that were returned from touchdowns. that's the kind of blowout that's easy to stomach. your team was never in the game and you have almost zero chance of making a comeback. but a game like this just breaks your fucking back. Auburn never seemed like they were playing with any passion of intensity at all during the game, not even when they took the lead and seemed to have all the momentum. my brains were just leaking out of my ears for most of the 2nd half when the Tigers pretty much just gave up. at this point i will be surprised if Auburn is able to win another game. i fully expect the Tide to roll into Jordan-Hare and end the Tigers five game winning streak in the series and take back their claim to the state of Alabama. and then Auburn will probably find themselves getting beaten by some Conference USA team or low level MAC squad in the Liberty Bowl...or whatever other piece of shit they land in.

FUCKING GEORGIA!!!! you Dawgs sure no how to ruin a motherfucker's season. 2 years in a row. fuck it. i'm moving.

lean with it rock with it, Vern.

i think after this football season we are gonna have to officially retire the Soulja Boy for all time.

Useless Blogpoll Week 11

A Lifetime of Defeats Week 11 Top 25

1. LSU
2. Oregon
3. Oklahoma
4. Kansas
5. West Fucking Virginia
6. Missouri
7. Ohio State
8. Georgia
9. Arizona State
10. Virginia Tech
11. Hawaii (why the fuck not?)
12. USC
13. Texas
14. Florida
15. Clemson
16. Virginia
17. Boston College
18. Boise State
19. Tennessee
20. Cincinnati
21. Illinois
22. Kentucky
23. BYU
24. Auburn
25. Wisconsin

Come On Feel The Hate

liveblogging the Georgia/Auburn game.
-here i am in Athens, GA. sitting with my shit talking girlfriend and my pacing friend MB watching the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry.
-Georgia are wearing all black jerseys. i can't fucking believe this shit. so much for tradition.
-1st play of the game, Brandon Cox gets picked off. SHIT!!! please don't let this be a repeat of last year.
-i think Richt may have started worshipping the Devil. this is my only explanation for this new Georgia attitude.
-fucking Knowshon Moreno.
-good stand by the defense. put in terrible field position they hold the dogs to a field goal.
-what the fuck s up with Auburn calling all these goddamned timeouts?
-good drive for the Tigers. Brandon Cox looks like he's forcing it a little too much. Brad Lester is playing his ass off.
-field goal. tied game. this is gonna be a long fucking day.
-what in the fuck was that coverage? Stafford throws a bomb for td. 10-3.
-Auburn does nothing. punt.
-fuck, Groves is hurt.
-1st half is over. so far this blackout isn't the funeral for Georgia's season that i'd hoped it would be.
-STAFFORD!!!! FUCK!!!!
-14 points down.
-fumble on the kickoff. GAY.
-Auburn is playing their worst game of the year. how do you stop Tebow, McFadden, and give LSU their toughest game of the year and then play like total dogshit against Georgia? i'm seriously getting depressed. i may have to move away after this game.
-Cox, sacked. goddamn it. okay, a face mask. fine.
-Lester, another good run.
-COX!!!! you fucking douche.
-great catch, Montez Billings. i think the Tigers have finally found a replacement for Courtney Taylor.
-go Tate go!!! Auburn's play calling is so frustrating. they run the ball well. stick with that.
-The Tigers are in the redzone. they need a touchdown here to set my mind at ease.
-TOUCHDOWN Tate! run the goddamn football motherfucker. Georgia has no answer for a team who can run the ball.
-Stafford got sacked. Coleman crank dat Supaman.
-Moreno stuffed.
-Georgia finally has to punt.
-fuck Lester fumbles. looks like the ground caused the fumble. Lester almost broke his fucking neck.
-apparently Nebraska CAN actually play football.
-okay, so the ground did cause the fumble. Auburn keeps the ball.
-SHIT! Cox sacked.
-3rd and 21....run a draw. well this is the SEC.
-Georgia gets a flag for unsportsman like conduct penalty. it's still 4th down. Auburn to punt. and then of course they get a false start penalty.
-Knowshon just got lit the fuck up.
-okay so we go into the half with Auburn down by 7. this game is turning into a fucking blood feud.
-so, Ohio State is losing. i hope Illinois goes ahead and takes the Buckeyes out of this national title discussion so we can save them the embarrassment of being destroyed by either Oregon or LSU.
-apparently Notre Dame has just given up on football. 31-17, Airforce.
-ok back to the game.
-Knowshon who?
-the Auburn d-line is mostly controlling this game.
-Stafford gets picked off. Rex Grossman Jr is back.
-Cox misses a wide open receiver but thankfully Georgia is playing pretty stupid and got a penalty.
-Fannin, touchdown!!! 17-17. Auburn is back baby. Georgia should go put those red jerseys back on and forget all this silliness.
-Antonio Coleman knocks down Stafford's pass. Georgia to punt.
-Cole Bennett lives. first down.
-Bennett again for 1st down. i thought that dude graduated.
-BEN TATE. go baby go. Knowshon Who?
-shit. Tate gets stuffed on 2nd down. i smell a field goal.
-well so much for snatching the momentum.
-Byrum, field goal. 17 straight points for my Tigers. the shit talking will be epic next week.
-Knowshon stuffed.
-what's up with all these late hit calls? i'm sorry, is this the SEC or the Pac 10?
-goddamned corners can't cover for shit.
-goddamn it. i guess Knowshon isn't getting shut down after all. 24-20 UGA.
-so apparently Black unis equals playing like dipshits and getting lots of stupid penalties. Go Dawgs.
-Lester fumble. put Tate in goddamnit.
-Cox pick. you are melting my brain with this bullshit.
-when the fuck did Georgia learn how to catch? someone please cover Sean Bailey. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Knowshon throws a touchdown....but there is a flag. thank you.
-Knowshon fumble! Fuck, Georgia recovers. have i mentioned how much i hate Georgia?
-goddamn it. Knowshon. you fucking fag.
-face mask Auburn. great, 1st down and goal for Georgia. if they score here then i feel like this game is over.......AND of course Knowshon scores. this sucks. break that fucker's leg.
-everyone on Georgia is crankin that soulja boy.
-Georgia kicks it out of bounds to start the 4th quarter.
-holy shit! Vern is crankin' that souljaboy.
-go Tate go.
-Ohio State is DONE. all is well in the world.
-Auburn goes three and out. great.
-Thomas Brown just drove the nail into Auburn's coffin. this shit is over.
-touchdown Georgia. MOTHERFUCKER. well it's over.
-so apparently BAMA and AUBURN only lose to the exact same teams. who the fuck is going to be representing the state of Alabama in the Peach Bowl?
-so at this point i can only hope for Auburn to put that 6th straight loss on the Tide. i am gonna be depressed for the next few weeks. fucking Georgia. WTF?!?!?!?!
-Cox throws another fucking pick. this is just getting ugly.
-Tubby you're fired. just kidding. i'm not completely insane. i no longer wish to think about this game. getting ass raped by the Bulldogs in Athens is the sort of thing that doesn't set well with me. losing 2 in a row to the Dawgs totally blows. sometimes i fucking hate college football. right now would be exactly one of those times.
-fuck this game. goddamn it. now it's just a blowout. i'm done.

Suicide Watch Week 11

and here we are. part 1 of the two part rival war. my beloved Tigers are rolling into my home town of Athens, GA to play the hated Georgia bulldogs in the biggest game of the college football weekend. Georgia sits in the top 10 basically by knocking off an overrated Florida team that can't play any defense. Georgia has been wildly inconsistent this year, flashing signs of brilliance in big games against Bama and Florida and then turning around and looking like total trash against South Carolina and then just being run off the field by a fairly sorry Tennessee squad. the Bulldog nation of course has no time for facts and reality. there in the top 10 and going to the SEC title game and Knowshon Moreno is the greatest runningback in the country. fuck reality. it has no place in the Classic City. well here's some motherfucking reality for your ass. Auburn has the best defence in the SEC and has already shut down the best backfield in the nation in Darren McFadden and Felix Jones, and also beat that same Florida team in the swamp when they were still healthy. am i worried about the Dawgs this week? sure, it's a rivalry game...plus every asshole i know is a fucking Georgia fan and after the ass whipping UGA put on Auburn last season i don't think i can deal with another year's worth of shit talking (seriously if Auburn loses this game i might move) but the beauty of this rivalry has always been that the road team almost always wins. and last time i checked my Tigers are wearing white on Saturday.

Georgia's defence is young and mostly worthless this year. they gave up 34 points to Troy and 35 to Tennessee. Georgia hasn't really looked that impressive except against Oklahoma State and Mississippi. they almost lost to Vanderbilt and they caught a Florida team that was trapped in some time warp and believed that Knowshon Moreno was actually Herschel Walker and that it was 1982, not 2007. Georgia's offence is basically run it with #24 and hope that Mikey Henderson can get them good field position off kick and punt returns and then trow the occasional bomb with Stafford.

will Auburn roll into Athens and crush the Bulldogs like was done to them last year? probably not. actually it's highly unlikely considering Auburn pretty much has the worst offence in the SEC...except when playing LSU. but the Auburn D should be able to take away the Georgia running game and that puts things into the hands of Rex Grossman in training, Matt Stafford...and i like those odds.

okay, with the massive amount of shit i just talked about the Dawgs don't be surprised if they come out and blow Auburn out by about 40 points, causing Tubberville to take the Texas A&M job right then and there so as never to face another Georgia team ever again. but really this is the game that matters the most to me. Auburn has beaten Bama five years in a row. they are sorta due a win by now. but to beat Georgia and ruin their chances at a BCS and SEC title game like they did to Auburn last year....well that's the sort of revenge that can warm your heart and make sitting through the Peach Bowl against a lousy ACC team all that more enjoyable.

potential for tragedy: 7 (rivalry games are always high...but i still love Auburn's chances)

method of suicide: drowning, as in drowning in your fucking sorrows and then leaping off a bridge....if you can find a body of water worth drowning in...fucking drought.