A Lifetime Of Defeats Hearts Owen Schmitt

ever since we were young and impressionable, we've always found joy in those who will make themselves bleed for us. be they wrestlers, victims of slasher films, the wild bunch, iggy pop, gg alin, girls we didn't get pregnant...and so today we salute Mr. Schmitt for beating his fucking face with his helmet to celebrate his first career start and created this wonderful gash.

God speed you...you psycho freak of awesomeness.

Dear Auburn Defense,

You Suck.

what the fuck happened?

Love,

Justin

College Football Pick Em, Week 7

Wed Oct 14
1: Boise St @ Tulsa- Boise
Thursday Oct 15
2: Cincinnati @ South Florida- Cinci
Friday Oct. 16
3: Pittsburgh @ Rutgers- Pitt
Sat. Oct 17
4: Arkansas @ florida- UF
5:South Carolina @ Bama- BAMA
6:Oklahoma @ Texas- OK
7:Ohio State @ Purdue- OSU
8:Iowa @ Wisconsin- Wisc
9:Louisville @ connecticut- UCONN
10:Northwestern @ Michigan State- Mich St
11:wake forest @ Clemson- Clemson
12:UGA @ Vanderbilt- UGA
13:Mississippi State @ Middle Tennessee State University- Miss St
14:Army @ Temple- Army
15: UAB @ Ole Miss- Ole Miss
16:wyoming @ Air Force- Air Force
17:USC @ Notre Dame- USC
18:Minnesota @ Penn State- Penn St
19: Texas Tech @ Nebraska- Nebraska
20: california @ UCLA- CAL
21:NC State @ Boston College- BC
22: Colorado State @ TCU- TCU
23: Virginia @ Maryland- Maryland
24: Virginia Tech @ Georgia Tech- Va Tech
25:Stanford @ Arizona- Stanford
26:Kansas @ Colorado- Kansas
27: Miami @ UCF- Da U
28: Navy @ SMU- Navy
29:Kentucky @ Auburn- Auburn
30: Washington @ Az. State- Washington
31: Missouri @ Oklahoma State- Ok St
Tiebreakers (Total Points)
A: Texas vs Oklahoma- 90
B: USC @ Notre Dame- 56
C: Virginia Tech @ Georgia Tech- 69
D: South Carolina @ Alabama- 42

Well, That Was Fun While It Lasted

first some quick thoughts on the Arkansas game this weekend:


and now on to the polls...

so gettin' spanked on the road the week after you jump into the Top 20 generally isn't the best way to solidify your ranking and so it should be no surprise that Auburn fell out of both polls and has been replaced by Notre Dame, who beat.....wait for it....their bye week. Auburn still only fell to 26th and 27th, and so with a win vs Kentucky this weekend and the Irish about to get their annual ass kicking at the hands of USC, the Tigers should be right back in the top 25 by next week.

i still think Auburn is one of the top 25 teams in the nation, but then again i think we should blow up the moon as well. these evil voices in my head like to tell me all sorts of lies.

and now my useless poll


A LIFETIME OF DEFEATS TOP 25, Week 6
1. BAMA
2. Florida
3. Texas
4. Virginia Tech
5. USC
6. Miami
7. Cincinnati
8. Boise State
9. TCU
10. Oregon
11. Ohio State
12. LSU
13. Iowa
14. Kansas
15. Oklahoma State
16. BYU
17. Georgia Tech
18. Nebraska
19. South Florida
20. South Carolina
21. Penn State
22. Auburn
23. Houston
24. Oklahoma
25. Pitt

a request to my fellow Auburn fans: don't be a dumbass

Well it's only halftime but you and I both know this bullshit is over. Well being ranked and talked about by the national media was nice and all but that's over now. Which is fine, I mean Auburn should be an 8 win team this year and they still could easily still do that. So as a rational (if somewhat schizophrenic and at times overly negative) Auburn fan I am gonna remain optimistic about this season until we lose to someone like Kentucky.

But knowing that there are Auburn fans out there on the internets full of stupid I am gonna predict the 10 most likely DUMB things you will read in the comments of blogs or message boards:

1. Fire Chizik.

2. Fire Malzhan.

3. Bench Todd. It's time to play the freshman.

4. 5-19 blah blah blah blah blah

5. Blah blah blah the spread can't work at Auburn, blah blah blah.

6. We need to get Tuberville back.

7. We can't beat a legit SEC team with a good QB (oh wait, I just said that to someone.)

8. These new coaches ain't gonna cut it. Auburn will be lookin' for a new coach in 2 years. Blah blah blah blah redneck bullshit blah blah blah.

9. (Random borderline racist comment)

10. Burn down the disco, hang the DJ.

it is way too early to watch Auburn play this bad

Fucking Arkansas.

I'll Always Love the 90s

Charles Barkley and Nirvana. pretty much sums up my teen years.

Fuck the Moon

we finally did it!

we blew up the moon!

Suicide Watch (2009) Week 6, Surviving The Razorback

every year i dread the game against Arkansas more and more. it doesn't seem to matter what the Hawgs record is, they are always a thorn in the side of Auburn.

there's been a history of genetic freaks playing for the Hawgs in the past, with Matt Jones and Darren McFadden in recent memory...not to mention this fucking guy.

and now their newest freak and the main threat from the 09 version of the Hawgs is their giant (6 foot 7 Frankenstein looking) QB Ryan Mallett and his laser cannon arm.

watching Jonathan Crompton complete passes with ease in the 4th quarter of the Tennessee game last week didn't exactly inspire confidence in me that our secondary won't get shredded into tiny little bits by an actual quarterback with a pulse. the Razorbacks don't have any real play makers in the receiving corp but it doesn't really matter when you've got the best NFL prospect in the SEC distributing it.

also don't forget about Michael Smith who ran all over Auburn last year in Arkasas humiliating defeat of Auburn on the Plains (i was there...it sucked).

the one good thing about the Hawgs is that they have possibly the worst defense in the entire conference and Auburn should be able to drop about 50 points on them with ease...assuming they don't decide to actually step up for the first time this year and shut someone down.

my real biggest worry about the game is the early kickoff time. Auburn has, in the past, tended to play extremely flat during those early start times against lesser SEC competition. i mean losses to Arkansas and Mississippi State in recent years when Auburn was favored have driven me to madness and i've always thought the early start had something to do with it.

in reality Auburn is playing better football this season than Arkansas and should be able to outscore them in a shootout...but it's the SEC and it's Arkansas and honestly i have no clue about this game. i predicted Auburn would lose this one at the beginning of the season...but i also thought we wouldn't beat the Vols in the preseason as well. my gut tells me Auburn keeps the winning going and will be undefeated when they roll into LSU in a couple of weeks.....i hope.

chance for tragedy: 7, Arkansas is bascially the same threat level as Tennessee but you flip an awesome defense for a really good offense (man if you could just combine the Vols D with the Hawgs O you might just have a team).

method of death: eaten alive by a giant pig hungry for points.

TV PARTY, Week 6

The Battle For The Right To Get Blown Out By Either Texas Or Oklahoma In the Big 12 Championship Game

Nebraska at Missouri, Tonight (Thurs) on ESPN 9PM

so is Mizzou actually any good? are Nebraska finally ready to take that next step towards relevence again? will i ever remember to watch this game tonight? probably not, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia will be on.

DAMNIT! You Mean I Have To Actually Get Up and Watch a Noon Game?

Auburn at Arkansas on ESPN at 12PM

the Tigers travel to go play the Hawgs at 10AM. this game should have a total score in the 100s...assuming the players are awake when kickoff starts. i ALWAYS hate it when Auburn plays fucking Arkansas.

So Long Ole' Miss, Nice Knowing You as an SEC Pretender/Contender

Alabama at Ole Miss on CBS 3:30 PM

The Tide can go ahead and put all the pre-season Ole Miss talk to rest for good by running the Rebels over with their big ass monster truck and then throwing their body into the river. fuck Ole Miss.

Will He Won't He?

Florida at LSU on CBS 8 PM

the Gators undefeated dreams will be given their first (and probably only) real test until the SEC title game when they go take on LSU. of course the main question is if football Jesus is gonna play or if he's still too busy gettin' headaches and throwing up. dude, having sex is the best way to clear up a headache...virginity is overrated. anyways even if he doesn't play the Tebow drinking game is still in play.

3rd and 5th best runningbacks? more like 1st and 2nd

ESPN's SEC blogger Chris Low did some RB rankings in the league and Ben Tate comes in 3rd and Onterio McCalebb as 5th.

FREE MOVIE NIGHT @ CINE...again

those Commie/Hippies of the WSLA are at it again with their free midnight movie this Friday....and it's the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME STARRING KURT RUSSELL (that isn't the Thing or Big Trouble in Little China) aka ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. come out to Cine on Friday night and watch Snake Plissken do his thing. New York is a prison, the president is being held captive by criminals, Snake is gonna kick many asses and not even bother with name taking.

choice piece of dialogue:

Bob Hauk: You go in, find the President, bring him out in less than 24 hours, and you're a free man.
Snake Plissken: Bullshit!
Bob Hauk: I'm making you an offer.
Snake Plissken: Get a new president.
Bob Hauk: Is that your answer?
Snake Plissken: I'm thinking about it.
Bob Hauk: Think hard. We're still at war. We need him alive.
Snake Plissken: I don't give a fuck about your war...or your president.

THE AXIS OF EVIL

so awesome.

2Morrow Night Kids, I Bring Forth More Rock

show starts around 10:30 tomorrow night at the Caledonia. we're the 2nd of 3 bands. faces will be melted off by our rocking and rolling. come out, get drunk, have fun.

Rams In Danger Of Becoming Least Likeable Franchise In All Of Sports

Not that i really needed a reason to start hating the St. Louis Rams or anything... but it's safe to say if noted drug addict/Sore loser/Traitor to the Spirit of America/cock goblin, Rush Limbaugh, really does buy them then i might have a new least favorite team in the NFL to root against.

chances the Rams ever have a black QB in the future...less than .05%.

random awesome picture with a Tiger in it

i feel like some creative Auburn fan could come up with something awesome with this picture. i got nothing, i just think it's fucking rad. there's some kind of metaphor for our season in there...somewhere.

College Football Pick Em, Week 6

This weekend something amazing happened....no it wasn't Auburn going 5-0. I FUCKING WON THIS STUPID PICK EM LAST WEEK!!! FUCKING HELL TO THE YES!!! it will never ever happen again.

Thursday Oct 8
1: Nebraska @ Missouri- Nebraska
Saturday Oct. 10
2: Boston College @ Virginia Tech- VT
3: Auburn @ Arkansas- AU
4: Purdue @ Minnesota- MINN
5: West Virginia @ Syracuse- WV
6:Vanderbilt @ Army- VANDY
7: Michigan State @ Illinois- MICH ST
8: UGA @ Tennessee- UT
9: Oklahoma St @ Texas A&M- OK ST
10: kentucky @ South Carolina- SCAR
11: Houston @ Mississippi State- HOUSTON
12: Alabama @ Mississippi- OLE MISS
13: Wisconsin @ Ohio State- OSU
14: Oregon @ UCLA- ORE
15: Baylor @ Oklahoma- OK
16:Connecticut @ Pittsburgh- PITT
17: Navy @ Rice- NAVY
18: Indiana @ Virginia- VIRGINIA
19: Duke @ NC State- NC ST
20: Arizona State @ Washington State- ARIZ
21: Maryland @ Wake Forest- WAKE
22: Stanford @ Oregon State- STAN
23: Kansas State @ Texas Tech- TX TECH
24: Colorado @ Texas- TEXAS
25: TCU @ Air Force- TCU
26: Southern Mississippi @ Louisville- S MISS
27: Florida @ LSU- FLORIDA
28: Michigan @ Iowa- IOWA
29: Arizona State @ Washington- ARIZONA
30: Georgia Tech @ FSU- GA TECH

Tiebreakers (Total PTS)
A: Florida @ LSU 78
b: Alabama @ Ole Miss 60
c: UGA @ Tennessee 35
D: Auburn @ Arkansas 90

Welcome Back to the Polls, Tigers

hey it only took about 2 weeks longer than it should have, but Auburn is back in the AP and Coaches polls, debuting at 17 and 19. i'm actually shocked Notre Dame's lousy 4-1 ass isn't ranked too. i'm also a little annoyed that 2-2 Oklahoma remains ranked, i mean Houston who has much more impressive wins than the Sooners fell completely out of both top 25s after losing to UTEP. just cuz you started the year in the top 5 doesn't mean you can't fall completely out of the polls. voters remain lazy, stupid, and in love with big names as always. again, Fuck the Polls....and also thanks for finally fucking ranking us, dickheads.

as follows is my top 25:

A LIFETIME OF DEFEATS TOP 25, Week 5
1. BAMA
2. Florida
3. Texas
4. Virginia Tech
5. LSU
6. USC
7. Cincinnati
8. Boise State
9. TCU
10. Miami
11. Oregon
12. Ohio State
13. Auburn
14. Kansas
15. Oklahoma State
16. BYU
17. Iowa
18. Georgia Tech
19. South Florida
20. South Carolina
21. Ole' Miss
22. Mizzou
23. Penn State
24. Wisconsin
25. Houston

Alabama is your new number 1...but really it'll just take a win over LSU for the Gators to jump back on top.

USC's thrashing of Cal reminds us that all your Pac-10 is belong to them.

I let Houston stay ranked for at least a week. A bad loss is a bad loss, but they did beat TWO Big 12 teams this year and deserve to stay ranked.

Stanford, Nebraska, Central Michigan, and Baylor are all on my radar.

I refuse to rank Notre Dame until they beat a legit team and quit pulling out last second wins vs teams that probably won't even make a bowl.

5-19 = who gives a shit? 5-0 is all that matters

The Chiz is doing his best job to make everyone look stupid by turning Auburn into one of the surprises of the 09 season...granted the rest of the year is full of tests and this team could easily lose 5 of it's last 7, but even so Auburn believes it can win games. And that optimism might be the best thing our new headcoach has brought to this team.

5 quick thoughts

I Love U Chiz
I Love U Ben Tate
I Love U One Armed Zombie QB
I Love U Lil' McCalebb
I Love U Gustav

Oh yeah...

FUCK THE POLLS!

Let's make TShirts.

you can feel the oncoming crunkness in the ATH

So it's the LSU/UGA game tomorrow in my lovely little town of Athens. There's already so much fucking purple and gold walking around downtown that you'd think kickoff was a few hours from now. When 2 teams I hate as much as Georgia and LSU play it's hard not to root for a natural disaster to swallow them all....and then some douchebag in an LSU polo talked some shit to me and I was just walking down the street...so I hope the Dawgs whip their ass tomorrow and I see that guy lookin all sad tomorrow night so I can punch him in the balls.