It's Totally Gonna Work This Time

The offseason hangs over the Auburn faithful like the specter of Rush Limbaugh over whatever the fuck is left of the Republican party (actually i have no idea if that anology even works. that's what i get for trying to be smart and topical). it is a strange and unfamiliar time for fans of the Tigers. this is the first offseason in many years when Auburn will be entering the next year not only not being considered a contender for the SEC West, but also unsure if the team will be good enough to actually make a bowl game. going into 2008 Auburn was picked by most of the media to be the SEC West champ and a darkhorse national title contender. and why wouldn't they? they returned a young and talented defense, almost their entire offensive line, and a stable of great runningbacks. we were promised an exciting and highpowered spread offense attack that would rescue us from the boring/predictable smash mouth/play action passing of Al Borges' West Coast scheme. instead we got one of the most painfully hilariously bad offenses in recent memory. in the end Auburn was a 5 win team with no idenity and no ability to move the football or score points and it cost the entire coaching staff their jobs and left Auburn the laughing stock of the SEC.

when Auburn hired coach Gene Chizik he promised (much to my dismay) to return Auburn to the smash mouth style that we all knew them for. but then something funny happened, he went out and hired ANOTHER spread guru in the form of Tulsa offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn. if you read any of the the other Auburn blogs you will know that a lot of fans were none to pleased by this, where others (like myself) were optimistic that this was the right move for the program and hoped that a new coaching staff would actually give the chance for this offense to work.

now i don't pretend to be a football analyst or expert (and if you saw how poorly i did in my college football pick em you'd probably just say i didn't know what the fuck i was talking about period.) but i do realize that Auburn is reaching a point where a talent gap is emerging between itself and the elite schools of the SEC. Florida, LSU, Georgia, and Alabama all have more 4 and 5 star recruits on their teams than Auburn and will continue to have more of those Blue Chip prospects. this talent gap means the Auburn can't just rest on what has worked in the past and must instead embrace the spread offense. Northwestern and Purdue have shown that running a successful spread attack could make them competitive in the Big 10 against the much more loaded schools that they face and both of those teams road Spread offenses to Rose Bowl berths. Oregon (who has about the same talent level as Auburn) has been a perennial top 25/top 15 school the past decade thanks to their spread offense...and if it hadn't been for Dennis Dixon's knee they likely would have been playing for a national championship 2 seasons ago. Auburn needs to recognize that it's got a lot more in common with Oregon and Purdue than it does with Florida and LSU and it needs/must/has to make the Spread Eagle work this time or else it's gonna drift back into the darkages of college football irrelevance that existed before i was even born.

so this is a call for those voices of dissent to shut the fuck up for a couple of years and let's see how this thing plays out. i don't care if we only win 4 games next year, this has to work...no strangling the offense in the cradle like last year or i'm gonna burn all my Auburn shit in effigy and just start watching baseball again.

Change Auburn's Intro Music, Please

if you've been to an Auburn football game over the last several years you've probably noticed that the Tigers have one of the lamest/gheyest/nu-metalist intro songs of any team in the nation.

uggghhh. Here Comes the Boom? more like Here Comes the Suck. what does this tell us about Auburn? that we have really dated taste in really bad music. what we need is a song that tells people, "We are gonna beat you like Chris Brown and ain't nobody gonna save your ass." (sorry Rihanna...i love you, come live with me and i'll take care of you girl.)

compare that with Virginia Tech.

FUCKING AWESOME! BLOOD!! KILL!!! METALLICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so Auburn needs to step it up in 2009 and with this new coaching change i recommend gettin' some new tunes as well.

here are 3 suggestions for whoever the hell is in charge of picking the music to get the fans and players pumped.

Lil' Scrappy "No Problems"

the crunkest song evah! "You wanna be dead in the streets?
Mouth full of blood and your soul full heat." how fucking menacing does that sound? plus that creepy synth line reminds of something from the Dawn Of the Dead soundtrack. i'd like to think of our football team as a bunch of unhinged Zombie Ganstas (who miraculously go to class and don't get in any kind of trouble). if anything this would give Auburn some much needed swagger, something that they've been in short supply of the last few years.

Explosions In the Sky "Catastrophe and the Cure"

if Auburn wants to appeal to their aging hipster/Friday Night Lights loving football fans they could always take an Explosions In the Sky song and edit it down to the most epic 2 minute part...of course this might make everyone too emotional.

Cannibal Corpse "Hammer Smashed Face"

or we could just go with something ridiculously heavy and brutal. believe me the white trash methheads will go out of their mind for some Cannibal Corpse.

or we could always just go with this.

something that annoys me

This has nothing to do with anything other than the fact I've been reading everyone else's blog in lieu of actually writing on mine, but what the fuck is up with fucking nerds who write "First!" in the comment section on blogs? Are you fucking 7? First? Who cares you big fucking tool?! It reminds me that these internets are a series of tubes clogged with douchebags and it makes my LOL-hating self wanna punch/stab/kill! I liked the internet better when it was just porn, mullet hunters, and a place for emo kids to hook up. The 21st century blows.

V-Day the Auburn Way

the Auburner is back with their 2009 Auburn Valentine's Day Cards.

hmmm...thoughts on football, recruiting, the state of College athletics? i got nothing.

this blog is starting to lose it's way. Grammy posts and Friday Night Lights whining...i need to get my head out of my ass.

who gives a fuck about a Grammy?

Why am I watching this shit? Lil' Wayne should've been the host.

Radiohead playing with the USC marching band was pretty rad...the rest of this is just nonsense.

Hey look, Robert Plant just won another award for that album he made that noone you know has ever heard and will be selling like hotcakes to old ass people at every Borders in America tomorrow. Wouldn't wanna be giving those awards to relevant young artists now. Nope, that would defeat the purpose of a Grammy.

I miss football already.

my thoughts on the whole A Rod/ Steroids thing

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Oh baseball. You stupid old whore. It's all over, like Alternative rock and American supremacy. Fuck it dude, we've got football, so who gives a shit?

That being said...keep the government away from the damn NFL and you fucking do-gooder self righteous sportswriters need to keep your noses out of what goes on in the "real" American sport. Baseball has fucked itself beyond repair, don't ruin football for us too. Do I think the NFL is full of HGH abusing freaks? Yell yes. But ya know what, I DON'T FUCKING CARE!

My favorite irony in all of this is the fact that The Texas Rangers are the ground zero of the steroid era with Canseco, Sosa, Palmeiro, Juan Gonzalez. Pudge Rodriguez, & A Rod all having their names linked to 'roids. Hey, remind me which former US President used to be part owner of that same team and got this whole steroid witch hunt started in the first place. I mean I know he couldn't ever find any WMDs but you'd think he might've been able to figure out half his team was on the juice back in the 90s.

Jose Canseco really needs to write a new book called "Hey Major League Baseball, Tell Me How My Ass Tastes".

Friday Night Lights is starting to lose me

Is it just me or does Friday Night Lights kinda suck, this year? So far I've been totally underwhelmed by this season so far and if tonight's episode doesn't get me hooked I may very well say so long to my one time favorite show.

PUNT4EVER BABY!

lost in the shuffle of my signing day excitement was the fact that Coach Chizik ended up finding punter Clinton Durst a scholarship after all. whenever i freakout about something regarding Auburn football things seem to work out in the end. so yeah, sorry about all the whining. for all the angry posts and the way the fanbase got up in arms over the Durst Incident you'd think they'll be selling his jersey at Tiger Rags next season. if i find one then i will buy it. i'm not too proud to rock a punter's jersey.

anyways, this news makes me just as excited as when Radiohead decided to quit fucking around and play rock music again.

Positive Vibes Friday: Freaky Space Jams From Japan

this is Les Rallize DeNudes.

they were a Psychedelic Rock band from Japan that existed from the late 1960s and into the mid 1990s. they're sort of a Japanese version of the Velvet Underground...meaning nobody ever heard of them when they started out but it's pretty obvious if you've ever bothered listening to Japanese rock bands like the Boredoms and Acid Mothers Temple that they were a huge influence on the underground rock scene. their sound is somewhere in between The Jesus And Mary Chain during their heavy-feedback era playing long spaced out 13th Floor Elevator songs by way of Sun Ra and the entire No Wave movement....or something like that. maybe a little Can and Spaceman 3 thrown in for good measure. honestly None of those bands really hit the mark at all. they were involved with some left-ist political organizations so an MC5 comparison is probably in order as well...other than the fact nobody in the MC4 ever hijacked a motherfucking airplane like the original bassist did back in 1970.

this is music for noise freaks and obsessive nerds...so if you fall into either of those categories then you will probably enjoy. if not, well then i hear there's a new album by The Fray coming out.

some youtube footage

post recruiting hangover

So Auburn did about as good a job as could be expected following the Season Of Death, but still only managed to pull in the 8th best recruiting class in the SEC and 5th best in their own division. It's still a top 25 class nationally and I'm not even gonna be a prick and complain about this group after the way 08 went down for the Tigers, but still Auburn is setting itself up for a serious talent gap with it's 2 biggest divisional rivals in LSU & Bama who both hauled in the 2 best recruiting classes in the country. But the way the new staff was able to throw together a top 25 class with just a few months on the job gives me a lot of faith in their ability to at least take a bite out Saban-Nation's dominance... I hope.

So what now? I'm debating going to the Spring Game again this year to get an early look at Spread Eagle 2: Electric Boogaloo...not that last season really showed me anything about Franklin's offense.

Auburn's New Offensive Prospects Don't Suck At All.

all those The Sky Is Falling and Auburn Is Fucked Forever posts might have been a little premature, at least when it comes to the recruiting front. the Tigers new staff was able to put together a pretty damn respectable group of kids during their first couple of months on the job and as of now the Tigers are ranked #14 by Rivals.com. the biggest surprises on signing day were the staff landing Texas wide receiver Emory Blake (son of former NFL QB Jeff Blake) and former LSU commitment and 4/5 Star receiver (depending on who you ask) DeAngelo Benton. both of these guys have good size and break away speed to be deep threats in the new Spread Eagle Part 2 offense. i wouldn't be at all surprised if they both see a lot of playing time next season. Auburn also nabbed former Georgia Tech commitment Dontae Aycock who the Jackets were hoping to use as a QB, but Rivals has him rated as a 4 star runningback and that's pretty much what Auburn sees him being as well. add him to the list of other four star offensive recruits that we already knew about with QB Tyrik Rollinson (#2 Dual Threat QB in the nation), Tight End Philip Lutzenkirchen (#3 TE recruit in the nation & #1 pass catcher and athlete at the position), and RB Onterio McCalebb (Rivals # All Purpose Back) and Auburn has itself a nice collection of weapons coming on board to help make the Gus Malzahn version of the Spread Eagle work a lot better than the Tony Franklin FAIL-Offense.

Auburn also added a number of 3 star players on offense in QB Clint Mosely (Mr. Alabama Football), Runningbacks Anthony Gulley (4.4 speed)& Brandon Jacobs (6 foot 1 and 230 pound wreckingball), and shifty little receivers Desmond Washington, Travante Stallworth, & LaVoyd James (all with 4.4 speed) who will all battle each other for time in the slot position.

the biggest negative for this incoming offensive class is the lack of BEEF. Auburn only landed 2 offensive line prospects and both of them are of the 3 star variety.

all in all this class gives me some hope for the future, as long as we can get these guys in school and keep them on the Plains. it also gives me faith in the recruiting abilities of this new coaching staff. if this is the sort of group that Auburn can put together at the last minute following an unpopular coaching hire and the worst season in a decade then i am excited to see what they can do with an entire season to recruit.

sorry to the defensive kids that i didn't give any love to. Auburn landed a couple of defensive tackle prospects that i am excited about and they also snagged a 4 star JC transfer at cornerback who may be able to come in a play right away next season which is fucking awesome with the Tigers lack of depth at cornerback. i'll leave the experts and the people who actually know what they are talking about to break down the rest of the defense. besides Auburn's defense is never something i worry about, it's the offense that will decide if Auburn is a 4 or 5 win squad next year or a Bowl team.

War Damn Eagle everyone. now off to do something productive.

NATIONAL SIGNING DAY!!!!

if you are wondering why every 30 year old man you know is obsessing about what teenage boys are doing today, don't be alarmed, they aren't members of NAMBLA...not all of them anyways. it's just National Signing Day for college football.

if you are an Auburn fan then come join the liveblogging fun over at the JCCW.

so far the Tigers have landed a couple of surprise 4 Star wide receivers who might be able to come in and play right away next season and only 1 decommit from a 3 star athlete named Brandon Heavens.

Recruiting insanity

So nothing major going on tomorrow...JK.

Every year National Signing Day for College Football is getting more & more coverage and attention, ESPN is doing their best to turn it into a college football version of the NFL draft...if we already knew where the majority of the players in the draft were going and some random 1st round picks were going to jump to other teams at the last minute and The Patriots, Steelers, and Colts all each had 4 or 5 1st round picks every year...but yeah, it's kinda similar if you are retarded. Really signing day is just a way for college football junkies to get excited about the decisions of 17 and 18 year old kids who may or may not ever help your favorite football team win football games.

Anyways my favorite Auburn blog (aka the only rationale one that seems to exist), The Joe Cribbs Car Wash will be running a signing day liveblog...so yeah go on over and join the fun. So far I've been pleasantly surprises with the way the new staff has been able to salvage a respectable class from the ashes of The Season Of Death, hopefully they've got a few final surprises left (another wideout, a 4 star lineman, a runningback perhaps) for the Tiger faithful.

Best Movies Of 2008

so this is a little late, but i do live in Athens, GA and we're just now getting the majority of the Oscar movies of 08 right now. i really wish they'd change the rules for Oscar consideration and that a movie should have either played in wide release or been out for at least a month in the year of 2008 before it's eligible...but whatever. there are still a few movies left that i haven't had a chance to see (Milk, The Reader, Frost/Nixon) that might be worthy of consideration, but as of right now the following list were my top movies of the year.

The Top 13 Movies Of 2008

1. THE DARK KNIGHT

there's really nothing left to say about this movie. the greatest comic book movie of all time also happens to be one of the coolest/most fucking awesome films of the decade and Heath Ledger's Joker performance will go down as the greatest on screen villain ever.

2. Let the Right One In

Swedish, coming of age, vampire movie. aka my new favorite genre. sweet and tender and gorey at the same time. plus it had the most tense finale of any movie this year. fucking loved it X 1000.

3. Slumdog Millionaire

worthy of all the hype and praise and awards it's getting. Danny Boyle proves why he's one of the most underrated and best directors around. reminded me a lot of City Of God...which is one of my favorite movies of this decade. Slumdog was exciting, suspenseful, moderately violent, well acted, had a great love story, had a feel good ending, and this movie was uplifting without being cheesy. it's got Oscar written all over it and i hope it wins.

4. The Wrestler

hey, do you like being depressed? well this is the movie for you. besides Heath's Joker...Mickey Rourke's Randy "The Ram" was the best performance of the year. a total heartbreaker and soul crusher and a perfect representation of the death of the American Dream.

5. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

this was a movie that i really could have cared less about before i actually went and saw it...we'll just say i was totally wrong in my assumption that this looked like a boring period drama. it's a total Forest Gump for adults. David Fincher sends me another reminder that he's the most underrated director in Hollywood whose work is always consistent.

6. Wall E

best kids movie since the Incredibles with the cutest fucking character since ET and R2-D2.

7. Pineapple Express

The Citizen Kane of stoner movies.

8. Iron Man

if Dark Knight was the ultimate example of how you make a serious comic book movie then Iron Man was the ultimate example of how you make a really fucking fun comic book movie. the best Pop Corn movie of the year by far.

9. In Bruges

a perfectly enjoyable little violent dark comedy

10. Son Of Rambow

a hilarious and imaginative kids movie that reminded me of how awesome kids movies used to be in the 80s. great soundtrack and visually innovative.

11. Nick And Nora's Infinite Playlist

one of the most enjoyable teen romantic comedies of all time. the perfect movie for young music nerds in love.

12. Tropic Thunder

another smart/stupid comedy from Ben Stiller that was probably the funniest film of the year (but Pineapple Express gets the edge because of pure weirdness).

13. Gonzo: The Life And Work Of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

a sad and funny portrait of the life of my favorite writer of all time.

So That Didn't Suck At All

So thanks to the Cardinals suddenly remembering that Larry Fitzgerald still played for their team in the 2nd half we ended up getting one of the most exciting Super Bowl finishes in NFL history. now that game itself WAS NOT the greatest Super Bowl ever as some people who are prone to hyperbole will try and tell you, it was actually a pretty sloppy and poorly played game with way too many fucking penalties for most of the game and it pretty much looked like the Steelers were gonna run away with that shit after Warner tossed the soul crushing pick six to end the first half, but on the flipside everyone who is calling this a dominating performance by the Steelers (i.e. Colin Cowheard Douchetard) with some lucky breaks for the Buzzsaw that kept it close is obviously an idiot. this game was the perfect example of how the NFL's current parity gives anyone who makes the playoffs a chance to be Super Bowl champs and if it wasn't for Arizona's shitty prevent defense at the end of the game and Big Ben making probably the greatest throw ever into triple coverage then the Buzzsaw would be your champs (maybe)...not that i am complaining, as this decade has given us some of the greatest Superbowls of all time. almost all of them have been competitive and some of them have come down to the final play or final drive to decide the game. after growing up in the 80s and watching the NFC CRUSH the AFC on a yearly basis this has been a welcome change of pace and has done a lot to make the NFL surpase the MLB as my favorite pro sport.

6 quick thoughts

1. Larry Fitzgerald is the best receiver in football. there isn't even a discussion. i loved the guy in college and have long fantasized that he'd end up on the Falcons some day. maybe if Warner had bothered throwing to him in the first half this game could've gone the other way.

2. Kurt Warner is a hall of famer. i don't even think there should be a debate. he's won 2 league MVP's and led the Arizona FUCKING Cardinals within 2 minutes of winning a Super Bowl. plus Jesus commands that you vote him in.

3. Big Ben is officially not overrated. if you are still hating then you should probably shut the fuck up. he's won 2 championships in 5 seasons and he'll probably get at least one more before he's done and that final drive and his ability to escape the pass rush and make plays down the field despite being an oversized moose with opposable thumbs makes him about as clutch as it gets. i too have uttered the phrase "He's overrated!" and you will never hear that from me ever again. Tony Romo = Overrated. Ben Roethlisberger = Championship QB.

4. defense does not win championships anymore...QBs win championships. defense gets you to the Super Bowl, it's your elite QB who wins you that shit. there was never really a point in that game that i felt like Pittsburgh's D was dominating Arizona...more or less i thought Arizona was making stupid decisions and doing themselves in and once they figured out that they had 3 really awesome receivers and some RBs who could catch the Steelers' defense was a non-factor in the game, even the game changing interception was more of Warner's fault than it was Harrison making a play...now his ability to take it 100 yards was fucking awesome, but that INT was all Warner. if the Buzzsaw had attacked them the way they did in the 2nd half all game long then i think they could've blown the Steelers out.

5. this is not a fumble

i was in stunned disbelief that the Refs first called Warner's incomplete pass a fumble, but even more than that i can't believe they didn't fucking review it! that's a shitty way to let an awesome 4th quarter end. the Buzzsaw got hosed.

6. there were no commercials with monkeys fucking shit up in them...this equals a giant FAIL for me. Americans want to see a monkey in a suit doing something funny in their Super Bowl Ads. this should be written into the Constitution.

Please Make This Happen

okay, i am obviously no fan of Georgia athletics, but i do live in Athens and i do like college basketball for the one month a year of excitement it brings to my checking account. if the rumors that Bob Knight is interested in becoming UGA's next basketball coach are indeed true then i am rooting for it to happen. anything that would make Georgia basketball more interesting is something that i can get behind...hell i might even start going to actual games. besides can you imagine what kind of freakshow Knight would bring to Athens?

The Boss And His Crotch Are All In Your Face

Okay, so far this game is whatever for me...but the Springsteen Crotch Slide into the camera might have been the greatest moment in the history of Super Bowl half times.

my uninformed Super Bowl prediction

The Buzzsaw crushes The Steelers on Sunday, 35-21. The Cardinals will shut down The Steelers' running game just like they did Atlanta's & they harass Big Ben and create turnovers just like they did vs. Carolina. On offense Fitzgerald will dominate Pittsburgh's weak cornerbacks and he'll snag somewhere around 10 balls for 140 yards and 3 touchdowns on the way to the MVP. Warner will thank Jesus and then retire and Leinart will retreat into the arms of a drunken college girl. Matt Cassel will eventually come to Arizona and take Matt's job away. The Buzzsaw will now join Tampa Bay as one of those teams that used to suck but now is pretty respectable. The Sun will explode and kill us all on May 14th 2027.

Things I Have Been Doing Now That College Football Is Over

well luckily it's the time of the year when all the Oscar nominees start showing in shitty little towns like Athens, Georgia (which despite being the only liberal stronghold in the Peach State...still doesn't get quality indie films with any regularity). saw Slumdog Millionaire last weekend, going to see The Wrestler this weekend, and also looking forward to The Reader as well (who doesn't love Kate Winslet's boobs?). i've also been going crazy with my Netlfix as well. last night i watched an awesome fucking documentary about the kidnapping epidemic and political corruption in Brazil called Manda Bala (Send A Bullet). if you liked the doc Cocaine Cowboys or were really into the movie City Of God then this is right up your alley. a word of advice, do not go to Sao Paolo, Brazil...you will be kidnapped, you will get your ear chopped off, this is how life goes.

here's the trailer.

full of black humor, great interviews, and a killer soundtrack of Brazilian folk, funk, & psych-rock. check it out.

other than that i'm playing way too much NCAA 09...football withdrawl is a bitch, son.

Much Respect To Omar Epps

i really don't think that Omar Epps has gotten enough credit for what he's been able to accomplish with the Pittsburgh Steelers. i mean this whole time he thought he has been filming the Program Part 2 but instead he's led the Steelers to the Super Bowl...and he still makes time for House! the guy works hard to say the least. i wonder if Cuba Gooding Jr will suit up for the Buzzsaw this weekend and do his best to one up Omar?