FUCKING FALCONS

way to go out a win assholes. you can all go eat a bag of dicks. i hope Matt Ryan breaks his leg in the fucking senior bowl. it's enough to make me wanna go jump off a bridge.

An Open Letter to The Atlanta Falcons

Dear Falcons,

as a long suffering fan of your pathetic franchise who has sat through countless losing seasons and had his hopes built up and then crushed more times than he can remember, i have just one request for you on Sunday. just lose. please. all a win does is move you further down in the draft. a draft that isn't very deep and has only 3 or 4 players i'd really be that excited about you drafting. you guys nearly fucked things up last week by playing the Cardinals tough, we really can't risk that sort of effort again. sit your players with any ounce of talent and instead let Joey Harrington throw the ball about 50 times and I'm pretty sure we can be guaranteed a loss and a chance at landing Darren McFadden.

p.s., please don't draft Matt Ryan. he fucking sucks.

thanks

justin

SUICIDE WATCH (BOWL EDITION)

it's Bowl season. Auburn tries to finish their up and down year facing the Clemson Tigers in the Chick-Fil-A bowl (also known this year as the NO I WON'T COME COACH ARKANSAS CUZ I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET A BIG FAT RAISE FROM MY OLD SCHOOL BOWL) which used to be called the Peach Bowl. this is a rematch of the only bowl game I've ever actually been too when Auburn beat Clemson way the fuck back in 1997 or 1998 when they had Dameuyne Craig and Takeo Spikes running the show. Auburn was able to win the game 21-17 and i think i still have the big plastic cup somewhere in my room back home. and this also marks the ONLY game this season where i will be watching my Tigers' play live.

anyways this year's match up features 2 talented teams who underachieved for the most part this season. Clemson has a strong running game and Auburn has one of the best defenses in the nation. so basically look for Clemson to pass the daylights outta the ball and Auburn to give up 50 points. no i am kidding. that's not happening...please don't let it happen. honestly i'm not that emotionally invested in the outcome of this match up. a win would be good because 9-4 sounds allot better than 8-5, also it assures that Auburn will remain in the top 25...which always parleys into rankings for next season.

after the joy and euphoria of beating BAMA for the 6th straight time was then tossed into a sea of turmoil with the anxiety surrounding a possible departure of Coach Tuberville things have finally started to settle down. Tubby decided to stay put, for now, and instead the focus has switched to the new Offensive Coordinator and the spread attack that he will be bringing to the Plains. iit's unlikely that Auburn is gonna come out in 5 receiver sets and play Texas Tech ball all game, but a few wrinkles here and there will probably rear their heads. also expect to see some of Kodi Burns running to team, as he's getting the first crack at being the starter for next year before the new freshman players and juco transfers hit campus.

as far as the match up goes, i don't really know that much about Clemson. they got beat by Boston College in the only game i watched them play. they run the ball well. they play solid D. their Qb doesn't make allot of mistakes. they are allot like Auburn, with a better backfield and a weaker defense and their Qb doesn't throw as many picks. all in all it's a total tossup. i expect a close game and a low scoring one at that.

potential for tragedy: 5 (as in 50/50 on Auburn's odds to win)

method of suicide: None. I'm not killing myself over the Chick-fil-A bowl. nobody remembers mediocre bowl game results except for the people who played in the game or the people who went to the game. I'm just looking to have a good time watching a good game with my dad. those are the sorts of things that make football awesome.

Merry X-Mas Motherfucker

all that the sports world gives me today are some NBA games that i don't give a fuck about. obviously i am a closet racist and hate the NBA for those reasons, it has nothing to do with the fact that basketball has gotten way more boring in the last 10 years and that most of the star players are totally unlikeable. that can't be it. anyways merry x-mas, i'll be spending mine with the family and then probably catching a movie and getting drunk at the only bar that's open in the city of Augusta.

...And Now I Know What If Feels Like To Be The 1985 Patriots

TRAGEDY! after an amazing run in the fantasy football season, your heroes, The Thug Apologists go and get blown the fuck out (84-39...just in case you are scoring at home)in the BOOZE HOUNDS LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME by giving what can only be called our teams worst performance of the year. in classic JR Suicide and Kenniebloggins style we sat the Bears Defense and played the Cardinals instead, thinking that with them facing the Falcons and the Bears playing the Packers that we were money. WRONG!!!! The Bears put up 25 points on the Packers and the Cardinals nearly got beaten by the Falcons...netting us only 4 points. what the fuck? but not that it would have really mattered anyways as the rest of our team decided to all not show up this week. our once mighty backfield of Joseph Addai, Adrian Peterson, and Chester Taylor only combined for 11 points total. our receivers, which have always been a weak point did jack and shit. and then Carson Palmer put the final cherry on our shit sunday by giving a fairly lousy performance against the Browns...a team he torched for 6 touchdowns earlier in the year. what can i say other than our opponent destroyed our soul. there will be no titty bars and championship t-shirts this year my friends.

What's Your Fantasy? (Championship Edition)

"there can only be one"

and here it has come to this. The Thug Apologists have rolled their way through the difficult world of fantasy football with Purple Jesus and Joseph Addai leading us to glory. only one game separates us from titty bars and custom championship t-shirts. what better way could one celebrate the holidays? it's all up to the Vikings running game, the Bengals passing attack, and a little something i like to call the Cardinals defense vs. the Falcons. it might also help us if Randy Moss and Peyton Mannning both decided to not show up today...so big guy upstairs see if you can do something 'bout that. i don't ask for much, but winning my fantasy league is worth calling down a favor. so if you love me and MB and wish us nothing but joy on this most special of days then root hard for Purple Jesus, pray that Chris Henry doesn't get arrested before the Bengals' game, wish for nothing but the best for Chris Cooley, hope against hope that Calvin Johnson can hold onto those td passes, and curse those fucking Falcons and ask that they send as many picks the Cardinals' way. i'm no Lou Holtz, so i don't have a pep talk for my team that can rival his magic tricks, but i do have faith in my ability to randomly select a handful of NFL players and roll the dice as they play independently of one another in an effort to bring me fleeting glory. Go THUG APOLOGISTS. make daddy proud.

also someone should get me this shirt.

No TV Makes Jack A Dull Boy

My cable is out...which means i have no ability to watch any of the shitty bowl games coming up....there's football on tv and i have no ability to witness it. fuck fuck fuck!

Bowl Mania

so the college football bowl season starts tonight with the epic matchup of power houses UTAH and NAVY in the Poinsettia Bowl. could be worse i suppose. both teams like to score points and not play much defense...which is exactly what i'm in the mood for during a writers' strike. my Twin Peaks boxed set is gonna get the night off as i root for our servicemen to defeat those pesky Mormons (i just assume everyone in Utah is Mormon) in the fine city of San Diego. it's basically the best bowl matchup you have to look forward to this week unless you're a fan of any of the teams playing.

tomorrow features quiet possibly the worst bowl game in recent memory, the New Orleans Bowl which features Florida Atlantic vs Memphis (excuse me if i go see Juno instead), followed by the Papajohns.com Bowl which features Southern Miss and Cincinnati and then finally we get a pretty good matchup in the Las Vegas bowl as those other pesky Mormons BYU take on UCLA. expect BYU to completely destroy the Bruins. seriously if you are a mediocre Pac 10 team backing into a bowl game the last team you wanna face is BYU...last year they fucking destroyed Oregon in this exact same bowl. i expect more of the same this year.

Big Tuna Not Coming To Hotlanta

so much for that dream.

Bill said no thanks to the Falcons after telling everyone he was gonna take the job and instead he apparently is set to take over the Dolphins. i guess when given the choices of taking over a shitty team, living in Miami beats living in Atlanta any day of the week.

the suffering continues......that NFC championship game is starting to feel like it was decades ago.

Big Tuna Coming to Hotlanta

so one of the biggest dickheads in NFL History, Bill Parcells...not to mention one of the greatest coaches of all time is about to take over the Atlanta Falcons as President of Football Operations or something like that. basically he's gonna run the team, pick the coach, hire a new GM (bye bye Rich McKay...thank god) and probably pick the talent. more than likely Parcells will probably name himself GM. basically as long as he doesn't end up becoming the coach then i'm okay with this move. Bill does two things well, he drafts really great talent and he turns teams into winners. if the Falcons can steal Jason Garrett away from Dallas to be the new head coach then this might end up being one of the best offseasons after a dreadful year that i can remember as a Falcons fan....as long as they are able to cap it all off by landing Darren McFadden in the draft. FUCK a QB in the 1st round. i'd much rather see the Falcons take someone like Eric Ainge in the 2nd round than waste their 1st pick on Matt Ryan.

Bowl Matchups That Could Have Been

With Bowl Season about the start this week i am always amazed when i find myself sitting through a stellar match up of the 3rd place conference USA team vs the 2nd place MAC team to a half empty stadium in some exotic location such as Memphis or Nashville. and during those moments and i like to imagine bowl match ups the could have been if they'd just add another 3 or 4 to the polluted holiday football schedule. something to show in between reruns of SNL and Leno.

THE BC HEADACHE POWDER DISAPPOINTMENT BOWL

Louisville vs South Carolina

1st off you've got a battle of 2 6-6 teams that were ranked in the top 10 at some point during the season. each one was supposed to compete for their conference title and in Louisville's case their was some hopes at being in the national title picture and a Heisman trophy for their QB Brian Brohm. South Carolina saw itself as the darkhorse contender for the SEC East and a breakout season in the Ol' Ball Coaches third season. yeah well things don't always go according to plan. and here we are both of those schools find themselves sitting at home while Memphis takes on Florida Atlantic in a bowl game that noone in their right mind would watch. even though they were both mediocre teams at season's end, i'm pretty sure Louisville and South Carolina could beat both Memphis and Florida Atlantic....so why not push those schools to the side and give the TV viewing public what they really want. 2 struggling big time programs whose coaches can't believe how shitty their season's ended up being.

THE WHO GETS BOOTED OUT OF DIVISION I FOOTBALL AND REPLACED BY APPALACHIAN STATE BOWL

Florida International vs Idaho

it's time for App State to move up after winning their 3rd straight National Title and also after beating Michigan as a reward...but instead of just moving them up we should start treating DI like the British soccer leagues where teams get moved down to lower divisions if they suck too much. well very few teams suck as much as Idaho or Florida International. both teams went 1-11. neither school has any sort of upward momentum as a program. neither school would be any good in Division Iaa either. but i'm pretty sure if they had to play for their Division I lives you might get a pretty good fucking football game. if anything it's a good way to start cleaning out the trash every year.

THE KY JELLY BOTTOM BOWL

Ole Miss vs Minnesota

fans of the the SEC love to hate on the Big 10. and with 4 head to head match ups of some of their best teams it's a great way to find out just how bad the Big 10 really is. well i think an even better way to find out whose conference is better is to take the worst school in each conference and match them up to find out who is a bear and who is a twink.

What's Your Fantasy? (Playoff time Motherfucker)

Monday Night Football = the most important game of the year for me. as the Vikings/Bears game is the deciding factor in our fantasy football semi-final, your heroes (The Thug Apologists) are set to win their game and head onwards to the championship as we trail by 10 points with 3 different players AND the Bears defense all going tonight. Purple Jesus, Bernard Berrian, Chester Taylor, and with any luck Devin Hester are set to crush our opponent and it's just one game away from titty bars and championship t-shirts. so root hard for Purple Jesus to destroy or for the Bears D to shut him down....either way it's a victory...and that's what i like to call good odds.

*and so it is done. Purple Jesus leads us onwards to the Championship game thanks to his two touchdowns against the Bears D....how were nice enough to help us pad our lead with 3 picks and a fumble recovery...all in all the Thug Apologists are just one game away from Fantasy Glory which = Championship T-Shirts, Longhorns Steakhouse Victory Dinner, and making it rain at Toppers. this is why we play the game.

Big 10 and Rich

Rich Rodriguez is the new headcoach of Michigan. how they expect to run a spread offense with that lumbering giant playing QB, by the name of Ryan Mallet, next season is a mystery to me. my early prediction is an 8 win season and alot of people crying to bring back Lloyd or another "Michigan" guy. this is a weird fit, as i'd always thought Rodriguez would make a great Big 12 coach, running his version of the spread at a school like Nebraska...or maybe even Texas when Mack Brown hangs it up. i'm sure in a few years he'll have the players he needs and will be dominating the Big 10. i feel bad for West Virginia though. this is a shitty way to end your season. lose to a rival when you were one win away from a national title and then have your coach go take another job and then probably cap it off by getting blown out by Oklahoma in your bowl game.

in related news: rumors are flying out of West Virginia that Nick Saban's agent contacted their athletic director about the job opening. there's no fucking way that could possibly be true...could it???!!! Nick the Prick is Satan, but would he really leave Bama after just one fucking year on the job? i can't possibly believe that this would happen, but he is a son of a bitch...so you never know. if it is true then i'm officially putting MB on suicidewatch and taking away any and all sharp objects.

LET'S GO BOWLING

December 20

1: Poinsettia Bowl: Utah vs Navy- UTAH

December 21

2:New Orleans Bowl: Florida Atlantic vs Memphis- FLA ATLANTIC

December 22

3: Papajohns.com Bowl: Cincinnati vs Southern Mississippi-Cincinatti

4: New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico vs. Nevada-Nevada

5: Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs UCLA-BYU

December 23

6: Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: East Carolina vs Boise St.-Boise St

December 26

7: Motor City Bowl: Purdue vs Central Michigan-Central Michigan

December 27

8: Holiday Bowl: Texas vs Arizona State-Arizona State

December 28

9: Champs Sports Bowl: Boston College vs Michigan State-BC

10: Texas Bowl: TCU vs Houston-TCU

11: Emerald Bowl: Maryland vs Oregon State-Oregon St

December 29

12:Meineke Car Care Bowl: wake Forest vs Connecticut- Wake Forest

13: Autozone Liberty Bowl: UCF vs Mississippi State-UCF

14: Alamo Bowl: Penn State vs Texas A&M-Penn State

December 30

15: Independence Bowl: Colorado vs Alabama-BAMA

December 31

16:Armed Forces Bowl: Air Force vs California-Air Force

17: Sun Bowl: South Florida vs Oregon-South Florida

18: Humanitarian: Georgia Tech vs Fresno State-Fresno St.

19: Gaylords Hotels Music City: Kentucky vs Florida State-FSU

20: Chick-fil-A: Auburn vs Clemson-Auburn

21: Insight: Indiana vs Oklahoma State-OK State

January 1

22: Outback: Wisconsin vs Tennessee-Tennessee

23:Cotton: Missouri vs Arkansas-Missouri

24:Gator: Virginia vs Texas Tech-Texas Tech

25:Capital One: Michigan vs Florida-Florida

26:Rose: USC vs Illinois-USC

27: Sugar: Hawaii vs Georgia-Hawaii

January 2

28: Fiesta: Oklahoma vs West Virginia-Oklahoma

January 3

29: Orange: Virginia Tech vs Kansas-Virginia Tech

January 5

30: International: Rutgers vs Ball State- Ball State

January 6

31: GMAC: Tulsa vs Bowling Green- Tulsa

January 7

32: BCS National Championship Game: Ohio State vs LSU- LSU

Oops

so apparently the early list of Mitchell Report names that was floating around these here internets was more of a wishlist than a reality list. some of the big names like Pujols, Varitek, and Bagwell were all left off the ACTUAL report, but still the big one remains Roger Clemens...to which i can only say, "No Shit!" a guy who is almost as old as my dad is not gonna dominate Major League Hitters unless he's on the serious juice. i was watching ESPN's round the clock coverage of the report yesterday and it was funny to see the likes of John Kruk tell people to hold judgement on this list of names. maybe that's because his old teammate Lenny Dykstra was on there. regardless, fuck Clemens. i always hated that douchebag anyways...if Bonds gets thrown in the fire then so should the Rocket. honestly i don't care if they get in the hall of fame or they don't. but if you let in Clemens or Bonds then you sure as shit better let in Pete Rose.

The Name Game

so at 2pm and Mitchell Report comes out and we get to boo hoo over our favorite players...or in my case, laugh my ass off at the misfortunes of others.

in celebration of these cheating douchebags being outed i have assembled my All Mitchell Report Team. (minus the obvious doucebags like McGwire, Sosa, Bonds, and Juan Gonzalez)

1b- Albert Pujols (i fucking love this one)
2b- Nomar Garciaparra
3b- Troy Glaus
ss- Miguel Tejada
cathcer- Ivan Rodriguez
outfield- Mike Cammeron
outfield- Johnny Damon (captain caveman was on the juice)
outfield- Carl Everett

starting rotation
pitcher- Roger Clemens
pitcher- Andy Petite
pitcher- Kerry Wood
pitcher- Mark Prior

closer- Eric Gagne

some other notable names that made me laugh my ass off in joy.
Jason Varitek, Catcher and Team Captain of the Redsox
Jeff Bagwell, Astros
John Rocker, former Braves closer and overall douchebag

some no shit names
Brady Anderson
Albert Belle
Mo Vaughn
Gary Sheffield

My Useless/Meaningless College Football Awards

I'm a big fan of best of the year lists. I'm also a fan of useless awards shows...well not the actual award shows themselves (those are painful and tedious) but the actual results of said award shows. and these days it seems like everyone and is throwing some kind of a pointless awards show that no one but the people nominated really give a shit about. and why should we here at A LIFETIME OF DEFEATS be left out? so here we are, ready to give out our own little blog awards for our favorite players and plays of the 2007 College Football Season. my apologies to fans of things that are fair and balanced as these awards are pretty heavy on the SEC because that's pretty much all i watched this year every single saturday from Noon to Midnight.

THE GOD DAMN YOU! AWARD- to your rival's best player who helped fuck your team's season up.

Knowshon Moreno- Runningback/Georgia, lead the Dawgs to big wins over Florida and Auburn. cranked dat souljaboy. wore a black jersey. pissed me off alot.


THE CHECKERS BURGER LINEMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD- best fat ass in college football who one day will be owning people in the NFL.

Andre Smith- Left Tackle/Alabama, was one of the loan bright spots for a snake bitten Bama O-line. will probably be a top 3 pick in the 2009 NFL draft. caught a touchdown pass in last season's bowl game against OK State. MB's favorite BAMA player since David Palmer.


THE HOLY SHIT! AWARD- best single performance by a player in one game.

Darren McFadden- Runningback/Arkansas, vs South Carolina on November 3rd, McFadden broke the SEC single game rushing record with 321 yards rushing against the Gamecocks. in a class move Steve Spurrier left McFadden off his Heisman ballot to return the favor.


MAN I WISH THAT GUY PLAYED FOR MY TEAM! The Player Of The Year

Tim Tebow- QB,Fullback,Linebacker,Machine/Florida, won the Heisman as a Sophomore, ended the argument that you must have a runningback to have a running game. broke the SEC rushing touchdown record as a motherfucking quarterback. loved Jesus and did the Gator chomp. cried when he lost to LSU. a freak of nature. brought football back to the 1920s while also sending it rocketing into the future. a man among boys. a beast.


EA SPORTS VIDEO GAME PLAYER OF THE YEAR- award for the best performance during my virtual college football season on NCAA Football 2008

Pat White- Quarterback, West Fucking Virginia, lead the virtual Mountaineers to an undefeated regular season and came up a game short to my Auburn Tigers in the BCS Championship. won the virtual Heisman trophy by rushing for 2,237 yards and 38 touchdowns and passing for another 2,511 yards and 34 touchdowns. rushed for over 400 yards 3 different times. scored 10 touchdowns against Louisville in a 98-7 route. returned a punt for a touchdown just for the fuck of it against UConn. was pretty much the best virtual athlete since Mike Vick on Madden 2004. total awesomeness.


AUBURN TIGERS PLAY OF THE YEAR

Auburn kicker Wes Byrum's game winning field goal against Florida in the swamp after already kicking a game winner on a timeout call. Chomp Chomp Motherfucker.


GAME OF THE YEAR (that i actually watched)

LSU vs Florida...aka the Jacob Hester game. if you didn't watch it then you missed a fucking war on the field. it was pretty obvious that the winner of that game was probably gonna end up winning the SEC and having a good shot at the national title. Tebow did everything he could but the Gators came up short thanks in part to LSU fullback, Jacob Hester and his many 4th down conversions. the Legend of Les Miles' balls began on this night.

Auburn is going Spread Eagle

lost is the shuffle of the Petrino bullshit is the fact that i am actually happy about something. Auburn offensive coordinator Al Borges resigned after 4 years of declining offensive output. Auburn finished 101st in the country in total offense and if you watched any of their games this season you knew that the D won every single fucking game that they played, minus Vanderbilt of course. i appreciate the fact that Borges was part of the magical 2004 season and helped turn Jason Campbell into an NFL level QB, but ever since then it's all been about the decline of the offense. hell, poor offensive play is what cost the team a possible shot at the national title last season and definitely lead to the losses to Mississippi State and South Florida this year.

his replacement is former Troy offensive coordinator, Tony Franklin, who will bring his pass happy spread attack to the Tigers. if Wilson can get the most out of the talented, yet young receivers and take advantage of an athletic QB like Kodi Burns and the loaded backfield of Tate, Fannin, Lester, and incoming freshman Enrique Davis then good things could be happening on the plains. hell the spread attack works for me on NCAA 2008, why not in reality? with any luck the offense will catch up with the stout defence and Auburn can win the SEC West next season. if anything they can't be as bad as they were this year.

PetriNooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so Bobby P decided he'd had enough coaching a worthless 3 win team who hated him and were more concerned with showing off their Free Mike Vick shirts during touchdown celebrations than they were of winning any football games. he's taken his playbook and his coaching skills to Arkansas and left the Falcons holding their dicks. honestly i could care less as a Falcons fan that Petrino decided to hang it up. Coaching in the SEC is a much better job than coaching one of the worst franchises in NFL history that's loaded with over payed players who are mostly brain dead losers anyways. all of that screaming and crying coming out of Atlanta is mostly just making me laugh. i love the idea of DeAngelo Hall calling some one's character into question. it smells of this funny little word irony that gets misused most of the time. whatever FUCK the Falcons! half the fans don't care anyways because they're all just holding out hope that Vick will be back someday to lead this team to 7-9 or 8-8 seasons, while the rest of us are left to curse the football gods for giving us such a soul crushing franchise to root for. i don't blame Petrino for getting out of town. all of this shit is still the fault of Rich McKay, Arthur Blanke, Jim Mora Jr., and of course Mike Vick. they created this mess and Petrino was smart enough to realize he needed to get the fuck out.

mostly all of this just pissed me off because the SEC West just got that much tougher. in a league that already had 8 of the 25 best coaches in the nation, now we've got another as well. I'm sure Petrino will have Arkansas winning 10 games and knocking off rivals soon enough, hell Houston Nutt was already doing that with the most basic offense in college football. also with the current situation at Auburn and this overwhelming since of dread that Tuberville is getting the fuck out of town as soon as the best situation possible presents itself, I'd kind of always saw Petrino as a nice backup plan. that's not to say that he couldn't be lured away from Arkansas in a few years (it's not like loyalty is the man's strongest suit) but still it's a situation that has become much more complicated. regardless Arkansas definitely ends up with a far better coach than they really deserve and in retrospect Petrino just made Nick Saban seem like a classy guy in comparison.

*i guess it goes without saying that Brian Brohm is NOT gonna be the next QB of the Falcons. i'm almost willing to bet that no player who ever was a member of any of Petrino's Louisville teams is gonna be wearing a Falcons' jersey anytime soon. i mean you know how this shit goes. your girlfriend dumps you for some asshole and you never speak to any of her friends ever again, except to maybe tell them that she's a fucking whore. right now i think it must really suck to be Chris Redman.

Adios Ron Mexico...it was nice playing as you on Madden

23 months = you will never play another game in the NFL again...probably. oh well, and so it goes for the greatest video game athlete of all time (behind Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson...i mean it's not even fair to put him in the running). every time you lost to some jackass on Madden who was using the Atlanta Falcons you fully understood how fucking awesome Mike Vick truly could be. i guess you gotta worry about Vince Young now gamers.