Warning

Listening to Trent Dilfer talk about what makes a good NFL QB will give you brain damage.

"It's Just Dances With Wolves...With Smurfs!"

not a football post, just something relevant in the world of pop culture. i saw Avatar on christmas with my family...holy shit! what a boring, trite, madlibs of a movie. the whole time i thought it was just a ripoff of Dances With Wolves....then i found this amazing piece of internet gold and thought i'd share.

spoiler alert.

A Look Back On the Ugliest Day In SEC Uniform History. Never Forget.

this year for Halloween both Georgia and Tennessee decided to play tricks on my optic centers with their special brands of alternate-uniforms. and i can safely say that other than that time Florida wore those jerseys with the weird ass sleeves (you remember the ONES!) this might've been the ugliest uniform day in league history. i just can't decide whose is worse.

1st up we have the University of Trying To Pull Things Out've Our Ass to Motivate Our Lousy Football Team Who Is Slowly But Surely Descending Into Irrelevance...also known of Georgia.

you know how the Dawgs love to turn shit from Red to Black and think it makes everything magic. well how'd that work out for you guys the last couple of times? as much as i loathed the Black Out jersey (and not just cuz of the beatdown Auburn got) this takes that to a whole new level of suck. the Dawgs looked like a cross between an inner-city high school squad and a USFL team from the 80s.

kinda like the Houston Gamblers except not cool or intimidating at all.

why Georgia (who i have always thought of as having one of the top 10 coolest uniforms in all of college football) would wanna fuck with their look just to wear some silly black outfits is beyond me. at least with the black out Jerseys it's something to sell to the fans. what the fuck are you gonna do with those stupid pants and helmets? i have a suggestion...burn them, along with all your black out jerseys too.

Dawgs are FAIL.

as much as i hate whenever the Dawgs try to change things up at least they actually HAVE black in their color scheme. Tennessee on the other hand just pulled a black out from nowhere so that they could change their teams normal push-pop look into giant fucking candy corns!

what an unholy fucking eyesore we have here.

just what every fan wants...the team to look like a bowl of candy.

i mean, yeah it was Halloween, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to wear a costume on the football field. ugghhhh.

anyways. i hate them both...but can't really pick a WORST among the two. my lean is with the Vols just cuz they look so fucking stupid anyways and then ended up making themselves look even worse. BUT Georgia did get their asses kicked and played just like the Division II team that they looked like. so it still could go either way for me.

and Auburn, don't even THINK about wearing orange jerseys. NEVER EVER NEVER EVER NEVER!!!!

Hey Dude, Your List Sucks

the Bleacher Report (some stupid baseball blog written by jerkoffs from the North East) compiled their WORST FANS IN SPORTS list. i'll save you the trouble of clicking over and getting hit with all the spam. their top 10 are....

10. the Cubs for being whiners (agreed)
9. New York Rangers (it's Hockey, who cares)
8. Red Sox for turning into the Yankees(i agree with their inclusion but i'd put them at number 1)
7. The Cardinals for being too nice and not booing (what?)
6. New Jersey Nets for not existing (dude, think outside your tiny Northeastern box. no one knows or cares about the Nets.)
5. Eagles for being evil pricks (yes)
4. Cowboys for not winning a playoff game since Clinton (what does that have to do with their fans?)
3. The Yankees for being snobs (okay. i'm sure you can tell by now that the guy who wrote this is a Mets fan.)
2. Raiders for dressing up in crazy costumes and for their team sucking (i think that qualifies them as diehards...but okay dude, whatever)
1. The Phillies for being violent and crazy (also i would agree, but the Red Sox are still more annoying).

okay first off this list doesn't include a single college fanbase which is not a surprise because people from the city of New York are only aware of things that happen in the North East or things they learn on Sportscenter. noone in New York has ever watched a college football game so they would never know how awful/insane/and retarded things are in THE SEC, Big 10, or Big 12. i mean, what about Texas or Oklahoma? no Red Sox fan has ever ripped off the balls of a Yankees fan, that i am aware of. and where's the hate for the Florida Marlin's non-existant fanbase? they've won TWO FUCKING WORLD SERIES and draw about the same as a Double A baseball team. also any list that leaves off the Duke Blue Devils is completely invalid.

Kudos to Ohio State for showing up for this one.

first things first, a big tall glass of "shut the hell up" for Mack Brown.

we all know Texas got screwed, but listening to you bitch about it is bringing back memories of Tuberville's 2005 season-long BCS whinefest (not the man's finest hour) that had even me starting to not give a shit that Auburn was left out of the title game in 04. maybe if Brown had spent less time shilling for votes and more time game planning then Texas might have blown out the Buckeyes and he'd have a leg to stand on. but when it takes you a last second miracle to beat a team that got slaughtered by USC (who then in turn slaughtered the other team that beat Ohio State)...well you are only making a case for the Trojans claim to a split title.

secondly a big bag of dicks to choke on for you, me, and everyone we know for saying the Buckeyes didn't have a chance and that Boise State was more deserving of this at large bid.

when Texas went up by 2 scores we all said "this shit is over" but Ohio State didn't lie down and die (probably because Texas ain't in the SEC) and made one of the best comebacks i've ever seen in a BCS bowl. hell they even pulled Todd Boeckman outta their ass to exploit that weak sister of a Texas pass defense. when The Buckeyes took the lead with a little more than 2 minutes left to play even i was rooting for them. but it was for not...

...because Colt McCoy, scourge of the varmint world, would not be denied his attempt to overthrow Vince Young as the KING OF TEXAS. that final touchdown pass to Cosby was a thing of beauty and capped off the best 2nd half of a football game we've seen all season.

good job Colt.

a quick question, who do you think will be the bigger future NFL bust, McCoy or James Laurinaitis aka the Teddy Bruschi of college football (meaning overrated linebacker and king of jumping on the pile for gang tackles)? actually when i think about it long and hard Laurinaitis is the PERFECT man to replace Brushci as the Pats slowish white middle linebacker that ESPN sucks off. Make this happen New England. the Internet commands it.


in summation this bowl season has taught me a valuable lesson...the Big 12 is OVERRATED as hell. Okie State and Texas Tech both got exposed, Mizzou took a miracle to beat Northwestern, and nobody cares about the rest of the teams in that conference. hell the Pac 10 and Big 10 (ok i am lying about this one) have done way more to impress me than the No Defense 12. Florida should run Oklahoma off the damn field.

Everyone Hates Brett

lost in the shuffle of Bowlmania and general holiday drunkeness is how much i am enjoying the shit talking coming outta New Jersey/New York about John Madden's favorite son, Brett Lorenzo Favre.

it's always fun to see a royal douchebag like Favre get exposed for being the true dickhead he is by teammates and anonymous sources (more teammmates) after the Jets late season collapse that got their coach fired and sent Bretty back to Gulfport, Mississippi with a serious case of Karma whipping his country bumpkin ass. i have always thought that Favre was a selfish, overrated, douchebag and it makes me smile to see his New York experiment blow up in his fucking face like this. i'm sure the people of Wisconsin are being kept a little warmer this cold winter knowing that Brett is getting what he deserves. it would be awesome if the Jets just did us a favor and ended the whole "will he/won't he?" retire bit and tell Favre to fuck off. but you and i both know that's not gonna happen. also watching all the Favre apologists rush to Brett's defense on ESPN and the like is enough to make me shoot the TV, Elvis Style.

one thing i have learned Post-Chizik.

there are a lot of stupid Auburn fans out there. not that i was unaware of this fact, it's just been brought into the light a little more for me. apparently agreeing with Charles Barkley makes me a Bammer. sweet. sometimes i just need to stay away from the internet.

i've been talking this kind of shit for years

“If you look at the Bobby Bowden, Mark Richt, Chuck Amato family tree, there is no discipline whatsoever. And if the players don’t have natural strength, they are not strong. There is no substance to their strength programs. With the type of talent they have at Georgia and Florida State, they ought to be in the hunt for national championships every year. I don’t know why Richt is not fending for his job.”

that's a quote from an NFL scout on profootballweekly.com which i think is pretty spot on about the Georgia football program. as an Auburn fan, i'd be calling for my coaches head every year when he's got a squad loaded with that much pure talent and is NEVER seriously in the conversation at the end of the season for a national title. i know it's the SEC, and i know Georgia has won 2 league titles in the Richt Era, but still his teams are under performing almost every single year.

but cheer up Georgia, at least you've got a shot to be a good football team in the next 5 years...unlike some other team i know of who wears Orange and Navy and yells "War Eagle" a lot.

It Couldn't Happen To A Nicer Guy

So that pillar of NFL stability out in Oakland is releasing DeAngelo Hall from his contract this week. so they traded a 2nd round pick to Atlanta and gave Hall a huge contract and are getting rid of him after 8 games?!? HAHAHAHAHA!!!! i mean i loved me some Raiders as a kid, but that ship isn't sinking anymore...it already fucking sunk. I hope McFadden can escape from that blackhole and end up on a good football team sooner than later. i hate to think of his talent being wasted. as for Hall, he'll more than likely get picked up by a contender for the stretch run and get another big contract. he's easily my least favorite Falcon of all time and i'll agree with my good friend Kenniebloggins who said that getting rid of DeAngelo was the best move that Atlanta made this entire offseason.

Sometimes you get your ass whipped...

woooo!!!!!! Ric Flair approves.

i have not come to rub Georgia's face in the shit that they took on the field yesterday...no, instead i have come to praise the mighty Gators for they are one first down away from being the best team in the country. the Dawgs never stood a chance. not with depleted offensive and defensive lines and a QB who likes to toss picks when he's behind. much like the Georgia/Bama game, there was really no doubt from the word Go what was gonna happen. Georgia just doesn't have the defense to hang with a team like Florida. an entire off season of shit talking and national title dreams was officially laid to waste in the 2nd half down in Jacksonville. all that's really left is to play out the season and beat Auburn (should be no real problem) and hope that those Yellow Jackets don't end your streak over them. there will be no rematch with the Tide, no Sugar Bowl, no BCS title....nah baby. Let's Go Outback Tonight.

Roll Tide, Indeed

I guess they were going to their funeral.

oh man. i don't think i've ever enjoyed a Bama win and a Georgia loss that much in my entire life. sitting at the bar last night watching Bama hang 31 on the Dawgs in the first half and then watching the Trail Of Tears that followed (despite Georgia's second half attempt at a comeback...junk points!) was some of the funniest shit i've seen in a long time. Fuck Georgia! Fuck The Blackout! Fuck Your Heisman! and Your BCS title! a Bama team with a bunch of fucking freshman and one big fat ass just ended all that bullshit. welcome back to reality motherfuckers. Thank You Alabama for that wonderful public service.

My dog, Bruiser (who is a Georgia fan...yes sadly we are a house divided) was not amused.

Black Out 2: Electric Boogaloo

Another blackout! Bama better run for the hills. better yet, don't even get off the bus. them Black Jersey's will get you.

will UGA play "Soulja Boy" all night as well?

okay yes i am bitter. i won't lie. i really wish Auburn would have crushed the Georgia forcing Richt to burn those damn black jerseys for their crimes against the Dawgs...but instead it seems to get the UGA players and fans pumped, so what do i care? maybe it's just the traditionalist in me. or maybe it's the fact the i think Georgia's red uniforms are awesome and that those black jerseys make them look like a highschool team. but whatever it's happening again. my only question is when is Richt gonna retire this before it becomes old hat? well regardless of what i think, Nike is happy as shit and selling the fuck out of those Black #24s.

Slim Charles Will Be Playing the Part Of Bama, Cheese is Clemson

this is a little late, but i was just thinking about how this scene perfectly illustrates what happened to Clemson on Saturday and the ACC in general last weekend.

if only Slim Charles had chanted SEC! SEC! SEC! afterwards, then it would have been perfect.

Georgia's Reign On Top Was Shorter Than Leprechauns

well that was quick. USC jumped The Dawgs in both polls today after blowing the doors off of Virginia on Saturday. anyone who saw that game knows the Trojans are loaded and the only thing that is gonna keep them out of the title game this year is themselves.

There Can Only Be One

so last year was quiet possibly the most bizzare one in college football history, it was at least the most strange since 1990 when Georgia Tech and Colorado split the polls. one would assume that 2008 will be a return to rationality and the powers that be using the system to crown a less controversial championship. oh, how easy would it be to just take the winners of the Florida/Georgia and Ohio State/USC matchups and have them face one another in Miami? too damn easy...aka that's not gonna happen. nope, the evil football gremlins who are giving USC jock itch and filling Georgia players full of booze so that they act a fool and get arrested will more than likely be at it again this season.

so let's break down how each AP Pre-season top 10 team is likely to fuck up their chances of winning the 2008 National Title.

1. Georgia

Oh Georgia. you happy bastards. sitting pretty like a drunk sorority girl on top of both the AP and Coaches poll. Knowshon is on the cover of ESPN magazine. Sports Illustrated picked you to win it all (never a good thing, btw). but things have been going iffy for the Dawgs. first Uga died, then a collection of your players found themselves with mugshots thanks to a case of the Drankin' and Fightin' and Vandalizin'. then your star left tackle's knee decided to try and make your offensive line situation more interesting. and so your reign on top appears to be shorter than leprechauns..especially with a Sept 17th match up of the teams residing at number 2 and 3 coming up soon enough. then there's that notoriously tough schedule you've got that includes 3 top 10 teams (LSU, Florida, Auburn). all of them away from home and then don't forget about that trip out west to visit Arizona State...which i fully expect Georgia to win easily, but never underestimate a long road trip to start the year. weird shit happens out in the desert. you start seeing things. mirages of national titles you thought you were gonna win and then the Sun Devils hand you an over time loss and you're fucked forever. also don't go forgettin' about those Push-Pop Orange wearing sons of bitches from Tennessee who know a thing or two about kicking Georgia's ass. yeah it's a pretty rough ride for those Dawgs. i don't know if they've got enough Soulja Boys and Black Outs in 'em to navigate through that gauntlet. better luck next year.

2. Ohio St.

Hi, you're Ohio State. you've appeared in 3 BCS title games this decade. one of them you got lucky and beat a way better Miami team with help from your soon to be jailbound freshman runningback. the next 2 times you dropped some series shit in your pants against a couple of SEC teams with chips on their shoulders. the whole of the college football universe hates your guts and thinks you're the product of media bias and a soft conference. congratulations though, you've decided to step out of your box and play another big boy by the name of USC to start your year. unfortunately said school likes nothing more than feasting on the living bodies of out of conference BSC foes to boost their profile and power rankings at the start of every year. having your bodies grinded up and the bones spit out for all the see on national television will likely leave a sour taste in the mouth of most voters. and just like nobody wants to see a sequel to the Cold War with Russia (Cold War II: Nuclear Boogaloo), we'd all rather not see your ass getting drug up and down the field in another damn title game. have fun dominating your lousy conference and going to the Rose Bowl. it's all you silly Big 10ers seem to care about anyways.

3. Southern Cal

Southern California. The Men Of Troy. Win Forever. The Dominate Force of the 21st Century in the world of College Football. you've got more blue chip recruits than the rest of the Pac 10 teams combined...and yet every year lately you seem to lose inexplicable games to the likes of Oregon State, UCLA, and Stanford that leave you sitting at home watching the BCS title instead of taking back what is rightfully yours. this year you've got a high profile gig with those silly Buckeyes. aren't they cute when they try and matchup with someone not in the Big 10 and MAC? you'll have your way with their women and children, but who is lurking for you in the jungle? Charlie is out there in the shit man! he never sleeps! he drinks viper piss and asks for more! and he's waiting for you to stroll in all lazy eyed and ready for an upset. could be those no luck having Huskies up in Washington. nobody ever suspects them or what about that damn Arizona team? they always pull an unbelievable upset out of their asses that keeps their head coach around another year too long. that's the problem with Charlie, man. you never know when that sneaky little fucker is gonna strike.

4. Oklahoma

on paper Oklahoma appears to be one of the best teams in the entire country. mammoth offensive line anchored by a surefire 1st round left tackle: check. game breaking running back: check. a solid young QB: check. a talented defense full of soon to be NFLers: check. you own your chief rival Texas in the way that Florida has owned Georgia the past 2 decades. and yet who could trust you in a BCS game. your failures are the stuff of legend. if the Buckeyes actually can make it to the BCS title game again, i'm sure they'll be praying that they will run into you.

5. Florida

so you're the Florida Gators. you've got one of best offenses in all the land. you're quarterbacked by the reigning Heisman trophy winner, Tim Tebow (the young Superman. the baby rhino. the human battery ram. jesus is my quarterback). and yet your defense is prone to bursting into flames against teams at any time. can you outscore every opponent you play 50-45? is Tebow gonna carry the ball 8 billion and 1 times again? luckily you don't have to play Auburn this year and you get LSU at home. but with a secondary like that i'd put your chances against a team with even the the most simple of passing attacks as shaky at best.

6. Missouri

Missouri is like the new kid who moves into town during the middle of the school year. everyone's really nice to you at first and invites you over to spend the night but you never let anyone ever see your house and your clothes are all hand me downs. i heard your older brother was in jail for selling meth, maybe it's just a rumor but everyone believes it. then you move away during the summer and noone ever thinks about you again. maybe your dad is in the army. sucks for you. you were the feel good story of 2007. you've got a good QB, a play making receiver, and an NFL caliber tight end. but i think much of your 07 season was the product of an easy schedule and noone expecting you to be any good. sure i think you could pull another 10 wins out of your ass with the offense you've got. but would anyone really be surprised if you guys only won 8 games and fell off the fucking map and back into irrelevance? not me.

7. LSU
You are LSU, the defending National champions. your coach is a jackass who makes the most boneheaded calls in close games that i have ever seen...and yet you seem to win them and get to the national title despite all that. big daddy Saban left you stocked with talent...but a lot of those guys are gone to NFL. sure you're still loaded with shit tons of 4 and 5 stars players, but you're would be superstar QB went and got himself kicked off the team after his 53rd strike and so now you're being quarterbacked by a former member of the Harvard JV team (i didn't even know college football schools had JV teams?!!). i would announce you good and fucked just for that alone. not to mention you've trips to Auburn (a place you aren't too found of winning at) and Floria. i smell Chick-fil-A and a trip to the ATL for you this season.

8. West Virginia

West Fucking Virginia. the most exciting offense in the country. speed is everywhere on this team. your leader is my favorite non-Auburn player in college football, Pat White. you blew the doors off Oklahoma after your dickhead coach skipped town for winged helmets and softer competition. there's no school outside of my Auburn Tigers that i'd root for more to win a National Title this season. unfortunately you play in the Big East, and now that Louisville has fallen off the map you're the only big dog left standing. sure South Florida is a contender, but have you seen those fucking uniforms? they make Oregon look respectable. West Virginia's season is basically two games long. beat Auburn and beat South Florida and you are more than likely gonna be undefeated...unfortunately that's no guarntee that you'll even play for the BCS title. the machines will turn against you and place a 1 loss SEC champ or a 1 loss Ohio State or USC ahead of you any day of the week. it's just the sad facts of the college football world. you had your shot to be champs last year and you fucking blew it. next year Pat White will be gone and so will your time as one of the "it" teams of college football. it was fun while it lasted.

9. Clemson

Clemson in the top 10? hmmm...well they do have 2 awesome runningbacks, a solid QB, some play making receivers, and a shit ton of talent on their defense. and yet they are coached by Tommy Bowden. and so they will lose at least 4 games a season from now and until the end of his terrible reign.

10. Auburn

Auburn's ranked in the top 10. SWEET! Auburn has a loaded defense, most of their tough games at home, and a new spread offense that's should equal more scoring for a team who doesn't give up many points. Auburn is the favorite among most preseason experts to win the SEC west and is a dark horse national title contender. AWESOME! one question: what does Auburn do a really poor fucking job of? living up to expectations. have fun in the Outback Bowl guys.

Tebow might not have to cry this year

this is a few days late so the timeline isn't accurate, but at the SEC Media Days Tebow made some comment about losing to Auburn, saying something like if they'd just done one more thing they would have beaten the Tigers. what thing would that have been? calling another timeout so that Byrum had to kick 3 field goals in a row? well at least Tebow doesn't have to worry about Auburn until they lose to the Tigers in the SEC title game.

Brett Favre, in danger of becoming a douche

so Brett's at it again. maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. he's got the itch.

what the fuck ever.

if i was a Green Day fan i'd want someone to come shoot me in the face. oh wait, i'm something far far worse. a Falcons fan. i don't even have a face anymore because it was melted away like those Nazis in Raiders Of the Lost Ark after having to witness last season.

i love Brett as much as the next football fan, but this shit is ridiculous. you just had one of the best seasons in your career, got your team to the NFC title game, and then for whatever reason called it quits. so now Green Bay is ready to move on. they've committed to their young QB. they even drafted another one just in case it doesn't work out. finally they don't have to deal with the endless offseason as Brett debates if he should come back or not. BUT NO! you couldn't just go quietly. now you're giving the Packers a little tease that maybe you wanna come back. it's all a very douchebaggy thing to do. granted the Packers are better off next season if Brett Favre is their qb over Aaron Rogers, but it's starting to get to that point when Green Bay is never gonna be able to move on if they don't do it now. the team is young and talented right now and they are in a weak division, so it's a perfect time to bring in the new QB and make the transition. if Brett does come back you almost would have to trade Aaron Rogers because it would just add unnecessary drama to their season. but then if that happens you're basically stuck with a 1st year player in Brian Brohm after this year. needless to say, the Packers will take him back...they fucking have to. but it's all slightly annoying.

on a related note: all the people who are talking about how sorry they feel for Aaron Rogers though need slow their roll. i think there was this guy named Steve Young who had to ride the pine behind some dude named Montana, and you Mr. Rogers are no Steve Young. besides, it's not like anybody was gonna take Rogers for their fantasy team anyways. so what the fuck should anybody really care? i just really get sick of having to listen to this story every fucking year.

have you started preparing for your fantasy football season yet?

if you said yes then you are a nerd.

when i was at Borders buying my Phil Steele i noticed all the fantasy football draft guides were out. i've decided against purchasing one of these and instead will just draft whoever the fuck comes to mind. no strategies this year. strategies didn't win us a championship last year despite having a backfield of Purple Jesus and Joseph Addai. so this year the Thug Apologists will just wing it.

fantasy football leagues will be gathering soon to do their drafts....so get your photoshop and gayjokes ready. you will need them. some leagues are requiring essays for new membership...i shit you not. my gaydar registers this as a 9. other leagues are more casual. members are not informed of their league's registration or whether or not the league still exists. this is what happens when drugs and fantasy football commissioners collide. girlfriends everywhere are rolling their eyes and giving us stern looks while we sit in a corner of the bar debating on which round would be best to take Darren McFadden. much money will be spent on useless draft guides, chicken wings, and beer.