Suicide Watch, Week 10

is the season still going on? it is! fuck!

well Auburn is sitting at 4-4 right now staring down the barrel of a losing season with Ole Miss primed and ready to hand Auburn their 4th straight loss of the season. there really isn't a lot to say about this game. Ole Miss has a solid enough defense with a great pass rush and they have a legitimate college QB in Jevan Snead. Auburn doesn't know what it wants to be on offense. a classic running Auburn football team or some half-assed spreadtastic failure...against West Virginia they tried to be both. i think Noel Devine just scored another touchdown btw. fuck it. i don't expect Auburn to win this game, hell i don't expect them to win anymore fucking games the way they've played. it's hard to imagine that they've lead at halftime in every single game this year. maybe they should try a new strategy and let the Rebels jump out to an early lead and see if Auburn can play catch up better than they can maintaining a scoring advantage. i don't even wanna talk about this game. fuck it.

i don't even care anymore. when's the Bama game?

potential for tragedy: 10, we are so gonna get Nutted on. it's not even funny anymore.

method of suicide: bury your head in the sand and suffocate.

Auburn Dynasty Mode, Week 9

another Auburn loss that must be avenged in the virtual world. wtf?!?!

this was by far the closest game for my Tigers this season. West Virginia was able to shutdown my lethal passing attack holding Kodi Burns to just 8 of 23 passing with 161 yards 1 td and 2 ints. luckily the 1 touchdown pass i made was in the final seconds of the game to give Auburn a 29 to 24 victory. War Eagle indeed.

Rod Smith was the player of the game with 121 receiving yards and 2 touchdown receptions (including one from RB/WR, Mario Fannin). he snagged the game winning catch from Kodi Burns as the clock ran out. Auburn remains unbeaten and still in the national title chase.

10 Fucking Years?!?

there are just certain things that make me feel old. like the fact that Tommy Tuberville has been at Auburn a decade. or the fact that i am 30. but i just realized about an hour or so ago that it's been ten fucking years since one of the greatest albums of the last 20 years came out. The Shape Of Punk To Come by the Refused. need a reminder? here's the video for "New Noise".



my thoughts on the matter are posted over here. mostly this has nothing to do with sports whatsoever, although i really always thought it would be much cooler if football teams i were rooting for would storm the field to this instead of a fucking P.O.D. song. seriously, Auburn, get some better music. Slayer, Mastadon, ANYTHING.

Have The Atlanta Falcons Become The Best Team I Root For?

so how come no one is talking about how the Falcons got totally fucked on that shitty muffed punt call at the end of the Eagles game? i mean ESPN talked about the goddan Chargers game where Culter fumbled the ball and it got called an incomplete pass for about 3 weeks. whatever.

it's strange, last year a loss like that would have meant nothing to me but now i really really wanna root for the Falcons. (probably has something to do with how shitty Auburn is). i don't know what it is, i mean i talked so much shit about Matt Ryan that i probably don't deserve to root for Atlanta this season. i will gladly admit i was wrong about the kid. he is like totally good and shit. and Michael Tuner?!?! best fucking move the Falcons have made in years. it's weird for me to say this, but I BELIEVE IN THE FALCONS...crazy. i think they are actually a good football team (i still see 7-9 for the season) and i think they are gonna be a playoff team next year and the year after that. maybe all that Vick bullshit was worth it in the long run.

I'm Not Saying He Should Get Fired...I'm Just Saying

10 years is a long time. 10 years ago i was too young to drink, i had a girlfriend who was still in highschool, i was really fucking into the hardcore punk scene, and Auburn football was a flaming pile of shit. i was mostly busy pretending like Auburn didn't exist that year to avoid the reality of a 3-8 season and our coach skipped down (aka was run out of town) in the middle of the season. it was a bad time to be an Auburn fan.

but then along came Tommy Tuberville and things began to turn back around. there was an SEC West title in 2000, and the amazing 2004 season, and then of course 6 straight wins over Alabama. but there's also a lot of disappointment in there too. 2001, 2003, and the let downs of 2006 and 2007...and now the most chaotic season since 1998 is rearing it's head.

i've been avoiding the issue but i feel like it's time to face the reality. this season has been a total disaster and it's pretty much all Tuberville's fault. Bama is back and in a big fucking way and from the looks of things we aren't going bowling this year. recruiting is likely to take a hit thanks to the firing of Tony Franklin and Auburn fans are pissed. people are calling for Tuberville's head but i don't think those poeple are really thinking about what could happen if we ditch our coach after one bad year. does the word Nebraska mean anything to you? i for one am not ready to send Tubs packing after a bad judgement call on the offensive direction. 6 wins over Bama earns you a do over. but FIRE TUBERVILLE is all i hear and see on the message boards. you fucking people are crazy.

that being said, if Butch Davis would like to come coach Auburn and use his recruiting magic to match Saban's then by all means fire Tuberville and make that man the coach. any coaching move other than that will be program suicide. so unless it's Davis, then we gotta stick with Tuberville. if this shit happens again next year...see you later dude and thanks for 2004.

College Football Pick Me, Week 10

Thursday October 30
1: SOUTH FLORIDA @ CINCINNATI- USF
SATURDAY NOVEMBER 1
2: NORTHWESTERN @ MINNESOTA- Minn
3: WISCONSIN @ MICHIGAN STATE- Mich St
4: WEST VIRGINIA 2 CONNECTICUT- West Virginia
5: MIAMI @ VIRGINIA- Virginia
6: AIR FORCE @ ARMY- AF
7: MICHIGAN @ PURDUE- Purdue
8: AUBURN @ OLE MISS- AU
9: KANSAS ST @ KANSAS- Kansas
10:TULSA @ ARKANSAS- Ark
11:COLORADO @ TEXAS A&M- Colorado
12: PITTSBURGH @ NOTRE DAME- ND
13: KENTUCKY @ MISSISSIPPI STATE- Ken
14: MISSOURI @ BAYLOR- Mizzou
15: FLORIDA @ UGA- FLA
16: FSU @ GA TECH- FSU
17:OREGON @ CALIFORNIA- Oregon
18:CLEMSON @ BOSTON COLLEGE- BC
19:DUKE @ WAKE FOREST- Wake
20:WASHINGTON @ USC- USC
21: TENNESSEE @ SOUTH CAROLINA- SCar
22:TEXAS @ TEXAS TECH- Texas
23: ARIZONA ST. @ OREGON STATE- Or St
24:ARKANSAS ST. @ ALABAMA- Bama
25: NEBRASKA @ OKLAHOMA- Oklahoma
TIEBREAKERS (TOTAL PTS)
A: FLORIDA @ UGA 75
B: TEXAS TECH @ TEXAS 102
C: FSU @ GA TECH 35

The Painful Reality Of Being Vandy

oh Vanderbilt. why you gotta be so cruel to yourself? i should be laughing my ass off at your misfortune after you guys put the cherry on top of Auburn's 2008 Shit Sunday...but i can't take joy in your misfortune. i mean you are Vandy! i will always have love for you fucking nerds.

but losing to Duke?!?! at home?!?! when you knew that winning this game made you guys bowl eligible for the first time in decades?!?!?! WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?!?!?!?! seriously, starting 5-0 and beating South Carolina, Ole Miss, and Auburn had you guys on cloud nine and your fans believing that THIS WAS THE YEAR. but no! no, you have shown your true colors and begun the inevitable slide that will take your season to ANOTHER fucking 5-7 mark and no bowl. it's enough to make a grown man cry. you've got four games to make it happen. Florida? hahahaha. i know you are too smart for that. Kentucky?! this is about the best chance you are gonna get...but we all know it ain't happening. Tennessee? yeah the Vols fucking suck and their season is lost and their coach is so getting fired, but the Vols ARE NOT gonna be the win that gets you into a bowl. no way in hell. and then finally it's Wake Forest, yeah i seem to remember them kicking your ass over the last several years so i expect much of the same this year. and so it goes. a seven game losing streak and another season without a bowl and a nice little reminder that "this is why you are Vanderbilt".

what a cruel world we live in.

How The Fuck Do Sportswriters Even Rank Teams That Are This Shitty?!

i should just turn this into a top 15 list because there aren't even 25 good teams out there this season.

A Lifetime Of Defeats Top 25 Week 9

1. Texas
2. Alabama
3. Penn State
4. Florida
5. Georgia
6. Oklahoma
7. USC
8. Texas Tech
9. Oklahoma State
10. Utah
11. Boise State
12. TCU
13. Missouri
14. Ohio State
15. FSU
16. BYU
17. LSU
18. Ball State
19. Tulsa
20. West Fucking Virginia
21. Minnesota
22. Michigan State
23. Virginia
24. North Carolina
25. Maryland

-Texas stays on top, but Oklahoma State doesn't drop at all.
-USC slips down because they struggle with Arizona and the Gators and Dawgs move up after blowouts.
-Welcome back West Fucking Virginia. the beatdown of my Tigers has you back in the polls and also in the hunt for the Big East title.
-Minnesota...are you for real?
-the usual assortment of confusing ass ACC fucktards rounds out the top 25.

TV Party, Week 9 (i no longer enjoy this college football that you speak of)

Passapalooza
Texas Tech @ Kansas, 12pm on ESPN

who likes scoring? i do! i do! who likes defense? boo!!!!! well kids, this is the game for you...although with all those balls getting flung around this game could last about 6 hours.

All Your National Title Dreams Are Now Over
Georgia @ LSU, 3:30pm on CBS

The Bulldogs travel down to Death Valley to take on the Tigers. let's see, what happened last time the Dawgs faced a team with a dominate offensive line and power running game and had a front seven that could get after the QB and shut down the run? for some reason i keep getting flashes of Alabama running rough shot on Georgia. i sorta see this same kind of thing happening again for the UGA against LSU...but then again, i am just a big fucking hater. it's hard not to hate when your team sucks as bad as mine does.

The Nail In The Coffin Game
Alabama @ Tennessee, 7:45pm on ESPN

i mean Fulmer is already fired as fuck. no doubt, but this is Bama's chance to go ahed and put that final nail in his coffin and shuffle his fat ass out the door. the lesson for everyone...don't be a snitch.

and i may very well watch some of the Penn State and Ohio State game...but not if i can help it.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

you know...at some point you just have to just accept that your favorite team sucks and move on. i am honestly getting way too old for this kind of bullshit.

so Auburn does it again. they jump out to a lead then forget how to play offense and let the other team get ahead and then it's over. West Virginia gave Auburn the woodshed style asswhiping that they've been asking for all season last night...and i wish i could say i was hurt and angry, but honestly i quit watching the game at some point in the 3rd quarter because It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia came on and i felt that was a better way to spend my Thursday night.

at some point in the first quarter i had hope that maybe this was the game where Auburn turned their season around. when they took the 17-3 lead I KNEW this was the game where they were turning it around. Watch out Dawgs and Tide, Auburn football is back. when we recovered that onside kick i was sending out text messages that said, "West Virginia fucking sucks." and then i was immediately hit with reality when Auburn tried to run that stupid fucking reverse that ended in a huge loss and Auburn ended up punting which in turn resulted in West Virginia getting a touchdown. at that point i pretty much knew this game was over. after that the Mountaineers pretty much did what they like to do to big time schools...thug on their ass. blowout city. all your dreams are now officially crushed and i just started thinking about next year. the only positive i can take away is that Burns IS the QB that should have been playing all fucking year and he did about as much as you could ask from him. that being said, we are so getting our asses kicked by Ole Miss next weekend.

Bill Stewart should send Tuberville a fruit basket cuz he just helped save his fucking job.

I Mean They've Been Driving Me To Drink Anyways, Might As Well Have Some Fun With It

drinking games are stupid and for fratboys and other forms of retard...that being said i am unleashing A Lifetime Of Defeats' Auburn Spread Eagle Drinking Game for tonight's contest with West Fucking Virginia.

if Auburn comes out in the shotgun and runs the ball out of the shotgun on the first play for a gain of less than two yards...take a drink.

if Auburn stays in the goddamn shotgun on 2nd and 3rd down and picks up zero first downs and punts the ball then go ahead and finish off your first beer.

if Auburn's punter shanks the ball and West Virginia gets excellent field position for their first drive then go ahead and down another beer. you are in for a long night.

if Auburn comes out in their 2nd possession and remains in the shotgun and this results in another 3 and out then go ahead and open up the hard stuff and take a shot.

every three and out from her on out results in a shot...but be very very careful as this may result in your death.

if Kodi Burns overthrows a wide open receiver downfield that would have been a guaranteed touchdown...take a shot.

if Auburn's defense scores a touchdown before the offense manages to get a first down then take another drink.

if Auburn somehow can move the ball down and field and then Kodi Burns throws a drive killing interception go ahead and drink a beer...hell drink two.

if Ben Tate or Brad Lester are hit for a loss following a bad pitch from Burns on an option play kick your couch as hard as you can and then down three quick shots for the pain.

if any QB should come into the game at any point who is not Kodi Burns (or Mario Fannin taking a direct snap) then go ahead just drink heavily because playing this silly game isn't gonna change the fact that Auburn totally sucks at football and you are witnessing the end of everything.

if you need to puke at this point it has nothing to do with the booze. it's the offense.

if Auburn gets the ball on 1st and goal and runs 3 straight plays out of the shotgun for zero yards that results in a field goal attempt then take a shot...at my fucking head.

if Auburn's offense is held under 100 yards passing for the game then kill yourself...or better yet start rooting heavily for your favorite NFL team and pretend this silly little thing called college football doesn't even exist.

pray you don't have to work tomorrow as you will be in no shape for showing up to a job.

The Big 12 vs. The SEC...who you got?

vs.

much has been said this year about the Big 12's place as the top conference in college football after pretty much crowning the SEC as champs of the conference wars with back-to-back national titles at the beginning of the year. and it's hard to argue with the fact that the Big 12 may have temporarily overtaken the SEC as top dog...at least for this season. they've got 4 teams in the AP top 10. they've got 3 or 4 QBs who are Heisman contenders. and they've got some of the best offenses in college football. The SEC on the other hand has the best defenses in college football, the returning Heisman winner, and 3 top 10 teams (with one other just peaking in from #11), and from top to bottom claims to be the most competitive conference in college football. likely both leagues will send between 7-9 teams to bowl games and both will send 2 schools to BCS bowl games. the possibility of a Big 12 vs. SEC national title is also very much alive with Texas and Alabama currently ranked 1 and 2. but even if the SEC or Big 12 team won that possible national title showdown it doesn't really answer the question of which league is deeper or better. and so let's pretend that at the end of the season we took all the schools in both conferences in a 12 on 12 football battle to lay claim to greatest football league in all the land. the following would be the possible matchups based on records and comparability of talent.

Texas vs. Alabama
the clash of the top two teams in the country. the Longhorns' offense vs. the Tide defense could make for an epic contest. but i think this game comes down to three words JOHN PARKER WILSON and if i had to bet the farm on McCoy vs. Wilson then i am going with McCoy. Texas wins.

Oklahoma vs. Georgia
Oklahoma's firepower vs. Georgia's balance. the Dawgs have got the stars to hang around with the Sooners and it would be awesome to watch a duel of this years likely top QB pick, Stafford vs next year's top pick, Bradford. i expect a highscoring game...but i give the edge to Georgia because of Oklahoma's recent trouble in bowl games. win for Georgia.

Missouri vs. Florida
two highpowered offenses lead by Heisman contender QBs. two awesome receivers in Harvin and Maclin trying to show one another up. no defense played whatsoever. Florida has too much speed and talent for Mizzou. the Gators roll for a victory.

Oklahoma State vs. LSU
Les Miles new team vs. his old team. Gundy would do his best to get the Cowboys fired up for this one, but there's no way that OK State can do to the LSU defense what they did to Mizzou. LSU BIG.

Texas Tech vs. South Carolina
The new master of the fun and gun vs. the guy who perfected it. Spurrier's team has the defense to shut down Mike Leach, but do they have the QB to match TD's if this thing turned into a scoring orgy? i give the slight edge to the Red Raiders...but don't be surprised if the Gamecocks pull this one off. Texas Tech wins a close one.

Kansas vs. Kentucky
the battle of the basketball schools who suddenly discovered they could play football too. last year's Kentucky team would have given Kansas a great matchup but this year's Jayhawks would have too much fire power for the Wildcats to handle. Win Kansas.

Nebraska vs. Tennessee
your once proud college football program is now a big fucking joke. sad. Tennessee has no offense. Nebraska has no defense. i see turnover city in this game, but somehow some way the Vols pull out the victory thanks to their defense.

Colorado vs. Arkansas
The Hawgs can't play any defense and are turnover machines on offense, but the Buffs just lack the playmakers. Arkansas wins a shootout.

Kansas State vs. Ole Miss
on paper Nutt's team has more talent...but if there is a more schizophrenic team in the country then i don't know who they are. Kansas State wins...but don't ask me how.

Baylor vs. Vanderbilt
the Nerd Bowl. Vandy was hot for a quick minute...but Baylor has got my favorite freshman QB in the nation in Robert Griffin. The Bears win on the legs and arm of Griffin.

Texas A&M vs. Auburn
Coach Tubs and the Tigers vs. that team that he supposedly was gonna leave Auburn for. this might actually be a team that Auburn can beat. might being the key word. Auburn wins a strange turnover filled disaster 3-0.

Iowa State vs. Mississippi State
Iowa State was Croomed the second they played this game. Mississippi State is terrible, but are they THAT terrible to lose to Iowa State? i give the Bulldogs the win.

in the end i give the SEC a 7-5 advantage and they keep their title as the country's best league...or maybe i am an idiot and have no idea what i am talking about.

Suicide Watch, Week 9

ah Thursday Night football. where ranked teams go to die. where dreams are shattered. where the Big East gets to pretend it's bigtime football.

what once looked like it would be a matchup of top 10 teams contending for a national title is now a matchup of two of the most disappointing teams in the 2008 College Football season just trying to salvage what's left of their seasons and get a quality win over another BCS conference opponent. West Virginia has been sabotaged by their One and Done head coach. Auburn has been wrecked by a failing offense and coaching staff turmoil. both schools are solidly off the national radar and only West Virginia has any legit shot at winning their conference. in reality this game probably means more for Auburn than it does for West Virginia (where as at the beginning of this season this game was HUGE for West Virginia in their hopes of making it to the BCS title game). either way both teams need a win and need to get their seasons turned around.

what once was a lethal offense lead by the ultimate spread QB, Pat White has turned into a comedy of errors in Morgantown. White has spent much of this season being pounded by the opposition and missing games. Auburn's defense (although banged up and nor nearly as ravenous as they were in week 1) is still the best one White and West Virginia is likely to face this season. Paul Rhodes, Auburn's defensive coordinator, famously ended West Virginia's national title chances when he was coaching Pitt's defense last season. it seems likely that he will employee much of the same game plan this year with a speedier Auburn team to neutralize White's running ability and take away WV's running game altogether.

as far as what Auburn can do on offense against the Mountaineer's D...who fucking knows? all we do know is that Kodi Burns will be Auburn's starting QB, if he finishes the game or gets yanked for Neal Caudle or freshman Barrett Trotter remains to be seen. will Auburn come out and run the ball like they did against Vanderbilt in the 1st quarter of that nightmare? i'd like to believe they will. are they gonna come out and run their halfassed spread-nothing offense that results in multiple 3 and outs, turnovers, and basically THE SADNESS in my heart...god, i hope not. i wanna believe in this Auburn team and i wanna believe that during the bye week they've figured out some things that work and will show up in Morgantown tomorrow night and NOT embarrass themselves on national TV....but hope is for fools, and i'm only a fool for the ladies.

potential for tragedy: 10, until Auburn beats someone then their chances of winning any games remain in doubt for me. there is no hope until hope returns.

method of suicide: remember that scene in Scanners where the dudes head blows up? well watching Auburn football this season may very well cause this to happen to you.

R.I.P. Rudy Ray Moore

Dolemite kicked the bucket today kids. it's a sad day for fans of terrible blaxploitation movies, raunchy comedy records, and rap music.

give a honkey some rythm, Dolemite.

Who Got Them Heismans? Not Chase Daniel.

sorry Chase, but you went from the favorite to win the Heisman to no chance in hell in just two quick weeks. sucks for you dude. i believed in your midget ass. i really did. you get to join the list of other failed Heisman hopefuls like Pat White, Beanie Wells, and Knowshon Moreno (yeah Dawgs fans...it ain't happening). no it's all about Colt McCoy now. but honestly if there's one guy whose name deserves some Heisman mentions it's that mountain of a man on the defensive line for Alabama, Terrence Cody. no single player has made a bigger impact on his team this season than Cody. give the big boy some love Heisman voters.

Javon Ringer is also out of the race even if he is the top runningback in college football. Mark Sanchez gets love because he's the QB at USC and Tim Tebow is sneaking his way into the race. a win over Georgia will pretty much guarantee his trip to New York.

If you gave me a vote, my top 5 Heisman contenders would be.

1. Colt McCoy, QB Texas
2. Sam Bradford, QB Oklahoma
3. Mark Sanchez, QB USC
4. Terrence Cody, DT Alabama
5. Tim Tebow, QB Florida

Tubs Hasn't Had Any Strokes....yet

but he may very well be the death of my father and the thing that drives me back to watching baseball. but no strokes, no it's just your regular old brain damage that has resulted in this most boneheaded of choices made during the miserable 2008 season. i think i'd be more comfortable about the future of Auburn football if i felt like a stroke was responsible to this most amazing of starts. whatever.

I Had A Mostly Lousy and Boring Weekend

No Auburn Tigers. No Atlanta Falcons. And my fantasy team got blown the fuck out. i should have went out of town. instead i watched a bunch of football games that had outcomes i cared nothing about and then i went and saw W. on Sunday night. i need some better hobbies.

College Football Pick Em, Week 9

Thursday October 23
1: AUBURN @ WEST VIRGINIA- Auburn
FRIDAY OCTOBER 24
2:BOISE STATE @ SAN JOSE STATE- Boise
SATURDAY OCTOBER 26
3:ALABAMA @ TENNESSEE- BAMA
4:TEXAS TECH @ KANSAS- Kansas
5:MINNESOTA @ PURDUE- Minn
6:BOSTON COLLEGE @ NORTH CAROLINA- UNC
7:WAKE FOREST @ MIAMI- Wake
8:OKLAHOMA @ KANSAS STATE- OU
9:KENTUCKY @ FLORIDA-Florida
10:GEORGIA @ LSU-LSU
11:DUKE @ VANDERBILT- Vandy
12: OKLAHOMA STATE @ TEXAS- Texas
13: SOUTH FLORIDA @ LOUISVILLE- USF
14:RUTGERS @ PITTSBURGH- Pitt
15:VIRGINIA @ GEORGIA TECH- Ga Tech
16:VIRGINIA TECH @ FLORIDA STATE- Va Tech
17:NORTH CAROLINA STATE @ MARYLAND- Maryland
18: MICHIGAN STATE @ MICHIGAN- Mich St
19: COLORADO @ MISSOURI- Mizzou
20:OLE MISS @ ARKANSAS- Ole Miss
21:PENN STATE @ OHIO STATE- Ohio State
22:NOTRE DAME @ WASHINGTON- ND
23:USC @ ARIZONA- USC
24:UCLA @ CALIFORNIA- Cal
25:ILLINOIS @ WISCONSIN- Illinois
TIEBREAKERS (TOTAL POINTS)
A:OKLAHOMA STATE @ TEXAS- 85 pts
B:UGA @ LSU- 56 pts
C:PENN STATE STATE @ OHIO STATE- 78pts

SUCK IT REDSOX

hahahahahahahahahahahaha! you got beat by a team that doesn't have any fans in a state where noone cares about baseball.

i really really hate Boston. probably more than any franchise in pro sports. even more than i used to hate the Yankees. thank christ the Rays won, i thought i was gonna have to root for the fucking Phillies in the World Series. now i can just not pay attention to it like a normal football fan.

It's 1978 All Over Again

A Lifetime Of Defeats Top 25 Week 8

1. Texas
2. Penn State
3. Alabama
4. USC
5. Florida
6. Oklahoma
7. Texas Tech
8. Georgia
9. Oklahoma State
10. Ohio State
11. LSU
12. Utah
13. Boise State
14. South Florida
15. TCU
16. Georgia Tech
17. Missouri
18. Pittsburgh
19. Boston College
20. BYU
21. Florida State
22. Kansas
23. Tulsa
24. Ball State
25. Vanderbilt

-i let Vandy hang around because they played Georgia really damn well and could have won that game.
-the usual ACC shitpile sort of rounds out the later part of my poll. who fucking wants to even win that league?
-TCU makes the biggest jump with their beatdown of BYU.
-i thought about making Penn State my number 1 team but i need to see them actually beat Ohio State before that happens.
-i don't believe in the sun.