Fuck Thursday Night Football In It's Ear

my anxiety meter for tonight's Auburn/Mississippi State Thursday Night Black Hole Of ESPN Doom is about as high as it could possibly be. from the moment this game was announced i was screaming "Upset!" inside my brain.

Why do Elite schools(and by elite i just mean team's with a ton of tradition/years of winning/not members of the Big East) ever fucking play on Thursday? why would you give up a Saturday game for some extra eyeballs on ESPN? is it really that great of a recruiting tool? is it really worth playing that game and losing? i understand that team's in the Big East built up their brand by playing this time slot...and it helped those schools...but Auburn is hardly West Virginia, South Florida, or Louisville. anyways it's too late now, but i really wish the Tigers would avoid this game at all costs. i can't remember Florida, LSU, Tennessee, Georgia, or Alabama playing on Thursday. no, it's always South Carolina or Vandy. is that the company we wanna be keeping?

Dear Non-BCS School Who Lost Your Coach,

Please do not hire my team's offensive coordinator to become your crappy team that noone cares about's new headcoach. That is all.

Thank You,

JRS

Suicide Watch (Outback Bowl), goodbye 2009 hello future.

so our season is coming to a close. Auburn rings in the New Year by playing in the Outback Bowl vs. a whatever Big 10 school, aka Northwestern. it's the first time the two schools have ever met, so that's always kinda neat. on paper Auburn should beat the Wildcats...but losing to inferior nerd schools has been Auburn's m.o. the last couple of seasons. Northwestern is essentially Kentucky or Vanderbilt...so if you think the Tigers are just gonna roll out their helmets and SEC pedigree and walk out with an easy win then you probably killed way too many braincells New Year's eve.

fact: both of these teams have good offenses and shit defenses. so i'm guessing the scoreboard might explode.

this game means very little to me. i am glad Auburn is showing improvement and a bowl win is always nice for the seniors who are leaving but when it's not a big time matchup then it's not like anybody is gonna remember the score in 2 years anyways. i'm just ready for signing day. and still praying that noone sneak attacks the Tigers and steals our O.C.

anyways: a salute to Todd, Tate, Coleman, & all the other seniors who helped turn the program around after the Season of Death. we love you all and will miss you. good luck.

chance of tragedy: 7, it's a New Year's bowl game that Auburn is probably not going to be into nearly as much as Northwestern. anything is possible. but i think Auburn wins a shoot out 35-27

method of death: vaporized by weird nerd science

Suicide Watch (2010), Iron Bowl

take that national title shot and shove it down their fucking throats!

War Eagle, Motherfucker.

Suicide Watch (2010), Week 11: Revenge!!!

JUST A REMINDER: last time Auburn was in Athens, this fucking happened.


if thinking about Georgia players wearing stupid black jerseys and running around and dancing the Soulja Boy doesn't annoy you and make you motivated for Bulldog blood then i'm not sure what will. how about the fact we've lost 3 teams in a row to our number 2 rival? 3 fucking times! that hasn't happened since some guy named Walker was carrying the ball for the Dawgs. Auburn hasn't lost 4 in a row since the 40s. Georgia is also in danger of catching up with the Tigers in the all-time lead. Auburn has only a 2 game advantage. no more losing. it must end now! (seriously please end it now. i can't deal with another year of shit talking.)

this game matters more to me than the Iron Bowl. it just does. if the football gods bless us with a victory in the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry then he can do what he wishes in the Iron Bowl (okay, not really. i don't wanna watch Auburn get murdered again by the Tide. that sucked last year....a lot.)

this is a matchup of two of the worst defenses in the SEC. i don't really see an advantage either way. the Dawgs give up big plays and commit stupid penalties. Auburn has no depth and gives up 60+ yard touchdowns like it's going out of style. i really feel like this game is going to come down to special teams and whose offense can make big plays.

Georgia has AJ Green. he's going to be the best player on the field all day. i could see him going for about 200 yards vs. the Tigers banged up secondary. but luckily Joe Cox will probably gift us a few incerptions while trying to get it to Mr. Green. Walter McFadden could end up being the key to this game.

Auburn seems to have finally righted the ship on offense after falling into some kind of vortex of suck. Todd's throws have been in the mark and he and Darvin Adams are both deserving of SEC honors (Todd won't get it because of Tebow and Mallett. but Adams seems a lock for 2nd team ALL-SEC). the running game is most likely the key to victory for the Tigers. Ben Tate, it's your chance to cemment your legacy at Auburn. give us a big day (something in the 160 yards and 3 touchdowns area) and a win and you'll go down as one of the great Auburn backs. you've been the guy who has carried this offense all year. just give us one more great game.

chance for tragedy: 8, it's Georgia. even when things look bad for the them they tend to pull big wins out of their ass...especially late in the year vs. Auburn. this is still the team that beat Arkansas on the road. there's no reason to think they can't beat Auburn at Georgia.

method of suicide: seppuku, there's no honor in defeat. you've brought shame upon us all. phone a friend, he'll need to cut your head off for you after you stab yourself in the gut.

Suicide Watch (2009), Week 10...you are not ever aloud to lose to Furman, so don't even think about it.

a visual representation of the sort of advantage Auburn should have over their opponent on Saturday.

some one recently wrote me an email saying they'd take a Faustian-like deal and trade a loss to Furman for wins over Georgia and Alabama...and on the surface that seems like a good deal...but in all honesty the shame of losing to team like Furman would far out way wins over Alabama and Georgia. Auburn isn't supposed to be able to beat the Tide this year...but they HAVE to beat teams like Furman. i mean noone remembers that Michigan beat Florida in Lloyd Carr's final season, they just know they got beat by Appalachian State. it's not worth it.

chance of tragedy: 1, there's always a chance...not matter how small.

method of death: man, if you lose this kinda game then just burn the fucking place to the ground with everyone inside.

Suicide Watch (2009), week 9: too much horror business

Fuck it dude, I've got better shit to do than worry about what Auburn does this Saturday. The only Navy Nightmare I expect is watching our offense trying to move the ball on the Rebel's D and then seeing Dexter McCluster jump into the Heisman race with another 200+ all purpose yards (seriously why isn't he getting talked about? I'd have him in my top 5 players.)

If the Tigers have any pride left then they'll make a game out of this...if not, well at least Furman is still on the schedule.

Tragedy chances: 99%

How did you die this week Auburn: Killed by assassins

Suicide Watch (2009): Week 8, Do or Die

the feeling is mutual, buddy.

first 5 weeks:


last 2 weeks:


what better way to make everyone feel a whole lot better than by rolling into the Bayou beating LSU's fucking brains out?! other than upsetting Bama and ruining their chance at a national title, i couldn't think of a better highlight for the season than if an underdog Auburn team could take those OTHER Tigers and mash their faces in the dirt and end Auburn's current losing streak and get the positive vibes going again. another loss just further throws dirt on this season being anything more than a rebuilding year. a win vs. LSU would be something for the 09 Tigers to hang their hats on, no matter what this team's final record ends up being.

chance of tragedy: 10, it's LSU...on the road. we never win those games, i don't care how inept their offense is.

method of suicide: win this game of else...

Suicide Watch (2009), Week 7: Drowning Cats

did you know Kentucky has a hockey team? is this actually real? Hockey...In the SEC?! that makes about us much sense as there being more teams NHL teams in the Southeast and Texas than in Canada......oh wait.

so i'll be at the game this weekend watching Auburn try to make up for their shitastic performance vs. Arkansas. and what better team to take your frustrations out on than Kentucky? (well honestly i'd kinda like some Nerd-Vengence on Vandy...but that'll have to wait a few years). the Cats lost their starting QB for the year and will be shuffling a mix of signal callers out there all Saturday.

Auburn defense: your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to stop THIS MAN:

Randall Cobb is literally the only thing about Kentucky that frightens me. why they aren't just moving him back to QB (where he was far more lethal last season) is beyond me. dude pretty much almost singlehandedly beat Georgia last season and i could see him carving up this Auburn D with his legs if the coaches just let him take direct snaps all day.


chance of tragedy: 5, it's Kentucky...i give em' their due because they are an SEC team and they've pulled off upsets in recent years (Georgia & LSU), but playing without their starting QB and against Auburn's offense AT HOME coming off an embarrassing loss...i like the Tigers BIG.

you died by: beaten to death with a hammer by a guy wear a skull mask and bunny ears. shit happens.

Suicide Watch (2009) Week 6, Surviving The Razorback

every year i dread the game against Arkansas more and more. it doesn't seem to matter what the Hawgs record is, they are always a thorn in the side of Auburn.

there's been a history of genetic freaks playing for the Hawgs in the past, with Matt Jones and Darren McFadden in recent memory...not to mention this fucking guy.

and now their newest freak and the main threat from the 09 version of the Hawgs is their giant (6 foot 7 Frankenstein looking) QB Ryan Mallett and his laser cannon arm.

watching Jonathan Crompton complete passes with ease in the 4th quarter of the Tennessee game last week didn't exactly inspire confidence in me that our secondary won't get shredded into tiny little bits by an actual quarterback with a pulse. the Razorbacks don't have any real play makers in the receiving corp but it doesn't really matter when you've got the best NFL prospect in the SEC distributing it.

also don't forget about Michael Smith who ran all over Auburn last year in Arkasas humiliating defeat of Auburn on the Plains (i was there...it sucked).

the one good thing about the Hawgs is that they have possibly the worst defense in the entire conference and Auburn should be able to drop about 50 points on them with ease...assuming they don't decide to actually step up for the first time this year and shut someone down.

my real biggest worry about the game is the early kickoff time. Auburn has, in the past, tended to play extremely flat during those early start times against lesser SEC competition. i mean losses to Arkansas and Mississippi State in recent years when Auburn was favored have driven me to madness and i've always thought the early start had something to do with it.

in reality Auburn is playing better football this season than Arkansas and should be able to outscore them in a shootout...but it's the SEC and it's Arkansas and honestly i have no clue about this game. i predicted Auburn would lose this one at the beginning of the season...but i also thought we wouldn't beat the Vols in the preseason as well. my gut tells me Auburn keeps the winning going and will be undefeated when they roll into LSU in a couple of weeks.....i hope.

chance for tragedy: 7, Arkansas is bascially the same threat level as Tennessee but you flip an awesome defense for a really good offense (man if you could just combine the Vols D with the Hawgs O you might just have a team).

method of death: eaten alive by a giant pig hungry for points.

Suicide Watch (2009), Week 5 OPERATION: kick ass, take names, get ranked

motherfuckin' Lane Kiffin can eat a bag of dicks. i never gave a shit about Tennessee and now i actively hate them.

okay, Auburn has an offensive...we've all got massive football boners at this teams ability to score points in bunches. we've got a lethal ground attack and a QB who is putting up great numbers. we even have wideouts who know how to catch a football. Tennessee got beat by UCLA and didn't even bother trying to do anything, other than not get blown out by the Gators. this should be a no brainer, right? wrong.

they've got quiet possibly the worst QB in the league....but they have an awesome defense. plus they NEED this win. so far this season the Vols look pretty much like the same bunch of losers that they did last year, where Auburn has shown immediate improvement on the field. the Vols need a big win in conference against one of the fellow SEC big boys to let everyone know that they are a team to worry about.

so far Chris Todd has been mostly mistake free...i have a feeling that Eric Berry might have something to say about that.

and honestly for Tennessee to have any chance then Berry and the defensive are going to have to shut down Auburn's high powered offense and create turnovers and short fields for their offense to work with. the less time Auburn is on the field the better.

i honestly believe Auburn SHOULD win this game about 24 to 17. i see the Vols defense being able to hold the Spread Eagle 2 in check a bit, i just can't see their Crompton lead offense being able to crack the 20 point mark. i almost feel Auburn would have to GIVE the Vols this game through turnovers and bad special teams play to lose.

chance for tragedy: 7, no matter how shitty Tennessee's offense looks they are still an SEC power and they are playing at home. this is Auburn's first roadtrip of the year going up against one of the best defenses in the country. that's always frightening.

method of death: you weren't ready to die...it was that fucking sniper who got you and ended those dreams.

Suicide Watch (2009), Week 4...let's just kick these guys asses and go get some tacos

Dear Ball State,

you are DOOMED!!!

love,

Death

it's my first Auburn game of the year so i'm excited at the prospect of Watching Spread Eagle 2: Electric Boogaloo score about 70 points on a scrub ass MAC team who completely fell off the map once their coach and QB left.

The One Armed Zombie and the backfield of Thunderbolt and Lightfoot should all have big games. i'm also looking for Darvin "I Am A Auburn Receiver Who Can Actually Catch" Adams and Super Mario Fannin to get their stats in this one too. anything less than of 35 point victory is gonna be a disappointment.

chances of tragedy: 1 1/5. Ball State is a bottomfeeding MAC team this year after their best season in school history. i see bad bad things for them this year, and this isn't gonna be a happy feel good story on Saturday night.

method of suicide: if Auburn fucking lost this game then the fanbase might storm the field and rip the coaching staff to pieces.

Suicide Watch (2009): WEEK 3, Revenge Tiger Style

this is Auburn's first REVENEGE game of the year. i like my Tigers' chances.

West Fucking Virginia. you used to be somebody. you used to be a contender. if you were a band you would be Interpol...you know 2 solid albums and then kinda a dull 3rd one and then you fell off everyone's radar...but you've still got a few killer cuts left in you. Pat White might be gone, but you're still lethal on the ground with Mr. Noel Devine. you know, that dude who ran all over Auburn's defense last year. granted the wheels had pretty much fallen of Auburn's season by then and the defense was so banged up that their were true freshmen on the field and 3rd stringers making up the bulk of the D. still i can't imagine Antonio Coleman and company were too thrilled watching those Mountaineers run up and down the field and destroy Auburn's famous defense with Blitzkrieg like ease. it was ugly, ugly, hell it was FUGLY.

this is the Tigers first real test of the year after obliterating La Tech and the Mississippi State Bulldogs. can the ground attack keep it up? West Virginia plays a 3-3-5 defense which makes passing the ball difficult at times, so Todd could be forced to throw the ball into double coverage which might result in some turnovers. it seems most likely that running the ball is still gonna be the game plan.

potential for tragedy: 8, West Virginia is a solid team...or as solid as someone in the Big East can be. they ran all over Auburn last year and they've still got Noel Devine. this is Auburn's first REAL test.

method of suicide: i'm gonna open up the Ark and take all you fuckers with me.

Suicide Watch (2009): Week 2, let's not do THAT again.

Auburn vs. Mississippi State 2008.

3-2

3 to fucking 2!!!

relive the horror...



maybe the worst college football game in the history of the universe.

Punt 4 Victory was born that rainy night. Clinton Durst became a god just for getting me through it. I wanted to make t-shirts to celebrate such an Apocalypse of suck, but American Apparel don't make the right color orange in their t-shirts.

A tragic brain melter and the true beginning of the end for Tommy Tuberville.

fuck that game forever. just thinking about it makes me want to vomit.

Auburn should win on Saturday, they're better than State. they've got their ground game back. it's at home. there's no evil Brandon Cox to throw costly interceptions. there's no Tony Franklin calling horrible plays. it's gonna be fine. i promise.

i hope.

Potential for Tragedy: 5 in a loss, 9 in victory, it's Miss State...weird shit happens when you play them, especially to teams from the state of Alabama. Auburn could lose and i'll want to die or they could win and i'll want to stopping watching football for the rest of my life and pick up a more exciting contest like soccer.

Method of suicide: seriously if auburn plays like they did last year then I may just pull all the many deaths of Harold Chasen (that's a Harold & Maude ref for the kids out there.)

Suicide Watch (2009): Week 1 - Fear And Loathing Is Upon Us, Motherfucker

IT BEGINS....

"I hate to say this," said my attorney as we sat down at the Merry-Go-Round Bar on the second balcony, "but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting the Fear."

and so it is upon us. like a pack of wild dogs ready to come tear off our flesh and feast on our bones. the 2009 College Football season. i for one want nothing to do with it. i'd rather be able to flash forward into the year 2010 just at the point when Jupiter gets turned into a 2nd sun. that way noone notices that Auburn football is slowly but surely turning into Kentucky.....Oh Wait, i was supposed to be optimistic about this season. nevermind, forget everything i just said. 8 wins baby. we goin' to the Chicken Bowl!!! whatever...

anyways the longest offseason in recent memory is finally over and Auburn has a brand new coach for the 1st time in 10 years and the thinnest roster of talent that i can ever remember. our offense is lead by a one armed zombie and our defense is a M.A.S.H. unit and we haven't played a single snap yet.

this would've been a great week to schedule Generic Directional University....and yet we face a very capable Louisiana Tech team who went bowling last year.


things to know about the Bulldogs of LA Tech: their runningback Daniel Porter rushed for 1,164 yards...that means he's good. and they've also got a dominating defensive line full of experience. Defensive tackle D’Anthony Smith is an NFL prospect and Mason Hitt is pretty good too. Auburn's line will have to protect Todd (something they didn't do last year) and open up the lanes for the Tiger RBs or this might be an ugly puntfest. ya know, like every single game last year.

talent-wise the Tigers should still be good enough with their front four to cause LA Tech trouple. Coleman is gonna have to make some big plays and knock QB Ross Jenkins on his ass all day to give that young Auburn secondary the help it needs. those brand new starting tackles will also need to shut down Porter and the LA Tech running game.

if Auburn can establish their running game and get some homeruns outta speed demon McCaleb then if could see the Tigers blowing this one wide open, but if Auburn has to rely on the passing game then i imagine we'll be witnessing a lot of 3 and outs and stalled drives and PUNTS PUNTS PUNTS PUNT 4 VICTORY!!! and nobody wants that.

honestly Auburn NEEDS a big win to give the fans some faith. everyone knows Chizik was an unpopular hire, and no matter how positive we feel about the coaching staff he's put together, he HAS to win this game to start earning the fan's trust and respect. losing to LA Tech might just derail this entire season and we could end up with the kind of year Michigan in 2008.

Potential for Tragedy: 6, as far as creampuffs go...well LA Tech isn't a real creampuff. not this year anyways. Auburn should be plenty worried about the Bulldogs...but i think a close win is in the cards for Auburn. but if they lose....

method of suicide: put the gun in your mouth and just get it over with cuz this is gonna be a LONG LONG LONG LONG LLLLLOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG year and not much good is going to happen. just make sure you do it right, you don't wanna end up lookin' like arseface.

Hey, Look. We Got Ourselves One Of Them Football Teams

The Opening Game 2009 Depth Chart has been released kids. and if you weren't scared before then you sure as shit will be now.

i'd have trouble winning video games with this roster.

first off, a big "FUCK YOU" to Tuberville for letting the roster get this thin. Yeah i fucking said it. FUCK YOU TOMMY TUBERVILLE YOU BIG EARED MOTHERFUCKER. yeah yeah yeah...i know, Thanks for 2004 and the big wins and blah fucking blah....but if the 2009 Auburn Football Team isn't an indictment of the Tuberville regime's shitty recruiting the last couple of years then i don't know what is. okay, sorry for that little outburst. we say the meanest things to the ones we loved the most.

so via War Eagle Extra here's what the Tigers are gonna look like vs. LA Tech on Saturday.

Offense

QB: Chris Todd, 6-4, 210, Sr.
Neil Caudle, 6-3, 200, Jr.
Tyrik Rollison, 6-0, 194, Fr.

RB: Ben Tate, 5-11, 218, Sr.
Onterio McCalebb, 5-10, 164, Fr.

FB: Mario Fannin, 5-11, 225, Jr.
John Doulgas, 6-2, 241, So. OR
Gabe McKenzie, 6-5, 252, Sr.

TE: Tommy Trott, 6-5, 243, Sr.
Philip Lutzenkirchen, 6-4, 262, Fr.
Jay Wisner, 6-2, 194, Jr.

WR: Terrell Zachery, 6-1, 203, Jr.
Kodi Burns, 6-2, 208, Jr.

WR: Darvin Adams, 6-3, 185, So.
DeAngelo Benton, 6-2, 192, Fr. OR
Emory Blake, 6-1, 192, Fr.

LT: Lee Ziemba, 6-8, 308, Jr.
Jared Cooper, 6-4, 295, So.

LG: Byron Isom, 6-3, 281, Jr.
Jorell Bostrum, 6-3, 362, Jr.

C: Ryan Pugh, 6-4, 289, Jr.
Bart Eddins, 6-4, 297, Jr.

RG: Mike Berry, 6-3, 311, Jr.
John Sullen, 6-6, 346, Fr.

RT: Andrew McCain, 6-6, 299, Sr.
Vance Smith, 6-2, 281, So.
Defense

LE: Antonio Coleman, 6-3, 261, Sr.
Nosa Eguae, 6-2, 244, Fr.

LT: Mike Blanc, 6-4, 288, Jr.
Nick Fairley, 6-5, 293, So.

RT: Jake Ricks, 6-4, 292, Sr.
Zach Clayton, 6-3, 281, Jr.
Derrick Lykes, 6-2, 284, rFr.

DE: Michael Goggans, 6-3, 264, Jr.
Dee Ford, 6-4, 214, Fr.

LLB: Craig Stevens, 6-3, 223, Jr.
Jonathan Evans, 5-11, 207,, Fr.

MLB: Josh Bynes, 6-2, 239, Jr.
Harrison Gaston, 6-1, 219, Fr.

RLB: Eltoro Freeman, 5-11, 222, So.
Adam Herring, 6-1, 216, So.
Wade Christopher, 6-1, 215, So.

LCB: Walt McFadden, 6-0, 175, Sr.
Harry Adams, 6-0, 183, So.

S: Daren Bates, 5-11, 195, Fr.
Drew Cole, 5-11, 182, So.
T'Sharvan Bell, 6-0, 192, So.

S: Zac Etheridge, 6-0, 212, Jr.
Mike Slade, 6-3, 192, So.
D'Antoine Hood, 5-10, 187, So.

RCB: Neiko Thorpe, 6-2, 176, So.
Demond Washington, 5-9, 185, Jr.
Special Teams

PK: Wes Byrum, 6-2, 209, Jr.
Morgan Hull, 6-3, 199, Jr.

P: Clinton Durst, 6-1, 191, Sr.
Ryan Shoemaker, 6-0, 184, Jr.

LS: Josh Harris, 6-1, 220, So.
Bailey Woods, 6-5, 237, So.

H: Clayton Crofoot, 6-6, 191, Sr.
Neil Caudle, 6-3, 200, Jr.

KR: Terrell Zachery, 6-1, 203, Jr.
Onterio McCalebb, 5-10, 164, Fr.
Neiko Thorpe, 6-2, 176, So.
Mario Fannin, 5-11, 225, So.

PR: Mario Fannin, 5-11, 225, Jr.
Anthony Gulley, 5-9, 176, Fr.

excuse me for a second....

....no not yet. there's plenty of time for that.

ugggghhhhh. so we've got like probably the weakest defense that Auburn has put together since??????????????? i have no fucking clue, i can't recall when i could say going into the first game of the year that that Tigers looked like they might not be able to shut down most any team they played. this is gonna be a long year, isn't it? fuck. i'm too old for this bullshit.

the only real strength of this team is going to be the running game and if there is a God then Auburn is gonna be a run-first-ask questions later kind of spread team this season, unless Chris Todd had some sort of Robocop super arm put in to replace hi missing arm and some bionic legs put in to replace his zombie speed. so i say give it to Tate, Fannin, and McCalebb and get that zombie out of the fucking way. as far as the wideouts go, again i think we can all extend a nice finger in the direction of our former coaching staff for the top notch job they did with supposed 4 star recruits who'd been a part of the last 4 classes. oh well, let's hope those Freshmen were worth their hype and let's hope Kodi is better at catching and running than he is at accurately throwing a forward pass.

"The Fear" is all over me right now.

FEAR AND LOATHING IN AUBURN, ALABAMA BEGINS SOON

this pictures illustrates how rough of and offseason it's been for the Tigers and how badly they need to get back on the field and play some football. i can't remember a season that i have wanted to just go ahead and start more than this one. although i'm prone to be angry and negative, i'm attempting to remain as optimistic as possible....yeah right.

Suicide Watch, Iron Bowl 2008

well it's almost here...

where to begin? As you may have heard, Auburn and Alabama are playing in the annual Iron Bowl tomorrow. and you may have heard that Alabama is the number 1 team in the nation playing for a shot at the BCS title. they've already wrapped up the SEC West and they're looking to stay perfect by knocking off their arch rivals. you may have heard that Auburn has won 6 straight Iron Bowls and dominated the series for the last 25 years (15 to 10 in the last 25 and 8 to 1 in this decade). you may have heard that Bama is back and Auburn is done...that they've got the best damn coach in the nation and ours is one game away from being fired. you may think Auburn's dominance is all over now. maybe it is. but you can never count on anything when it comes to a rivalry.

i'm not gonna be a homer. i know the odds are stacked against the Tigers. Alabama has a ferocious defense and one of the best running games in the nation. they're bigger and stronger than Auburn on both sides of the ball and have more talent on both lines. Auburn is wrapping up their worst season in a decade and has been a schizophrenic mess on offense all year. the defense has played their ass off but is just too banged up and too young all over the place. Tuberville might very well be coaching his final game for Auburn and the Tide would love nothing more than to send the man who has dominated them for a decade on his way with a crushing blowout. i'm willing to bet that if you asked a Tide fan if they could have either a national title this season or a blowout of Auburn but just one over half would choose beating the Tigers (it's been so damn long for them). on paper this game probably shouldn't even be close. Alabama should easily win by 3 touchdowns. Kodi Burns should be ripped apart and fed to Terrence Cody and the Tide fans should FINALLY get a win in the Iron Bowl in their own stadium. but it's a rivalry game...so you never know.

there's really no point in breaking down the game. stats don't matter. it's David vs. Goliath and Goliath wants payback and he wants it bad.

Tuberville, do you have any magic left in those giant ears? do you have one last stand in your bag of tricks? is the SEASON OF DEATH going to end with one last nail in your coffin? are Auburn fans heading for dark days where we can look forward to being passed by the likes of Arkansas and Ole Miss while Alabama returns to dominance? is it all over now? i hope the answer to all those questions is, "hell fucking no".

War Damn Eagle, Auburn. War Damn Eagle, forever.

potential for tragedy: 10, it's the Iron Bowl baby and records aside it's always a code red. but Bama handing Auburn a losing season and getting their coach fired with one fell swoop might be too much for most Auburn fans to handle.

method of suicide: stare down that tank and take it like a man.

Suicide Watch, Week 12

Yep, it's that time of the college football season...The Deep South's Oldest Rivalry goes down tomorrow as the Dawgs travel to the Plains to take on Auburn. by far my favorite rivalry game of all...yes even more so than the Iron Bowl. it's one of the closest rivalries in all of sports with Auburn holding a 53-50-8 lead in the series. Georgia has taken the last two meetings in lopsided blowouts thanks to Brandon Cox constant hookups with Georgia defensive backs in 2006 and the Souljaboy Blackout Of Doom last year.

when i looked at this game on the schedule at the beginning of the season i thought this would be a matchup of top 10 teams both trying to get into the SEC or National Title games, what with UGA's star backfield and Auburn's dominate defense and new spread offense. how'd that work out for either team? oh yeah, not so well. Georgia has shat the field in both of their high profile showdowns with top 10 schools and Auburn has been a complete and total disaster all season, and so instead of a top 10 matchup we are left with a merely good Georgia team facing off with a very poor Auburn squad in a downward spiral to oblivion.

it's hard to get really excited about this game this year. as an Auburn fan it seems inevitable that the Dawgs will hand the Tigers their 6th loss of the season and drive another nail into the coffin for Tommy Tuberville setting him up for Saban to finish the job. the Dawgs have more offensive firepower than the Tigers with actual NFL talent at runningback, quarterback, and wide receiver. Auburn has some kind of a mishmash of spread, i formation, and just plain ugliness on offense. Quarterback Kodi Burns has been Auburn's only real weapon all season with his ability to run the football...unfortunately it's his passing that should have Georgia licking their chops as he comes into this game with only 1 touchdown passing and 7 interceptions. he is second on the team in rushing with 377 yards and 5 touchdowns and one would assume if he'd been the starter this entire season those numbers might be a little better. the receivers haven't exactly been helping him out though. dropped passes have been a theme for the year with only tight end Tommy Trott and senior receiver Rodgeriqus Smith providing much consistency. the running game has been the real question mark this entire season. back in the spring it seemed like the Tigers were set to have one of the better backfields in the nation with veterans Brad Lester and Ben Tate both returning and speedster Tristan Davis finally getting healthy. unfortunately the new spread offense has caused major problems for both the running backs and offensive lineman. Auburn finds itself 6th in the SEC in rushing, 9th in passing, and 10th in scoring....so yeah the spread has been a shitstorm...you might have heard something about that.

the one advantage Auburn may actually have is the play of both team's defenses. as bad as Auburn is on offense, the Dawgs might actually be worse on defense. Georgia is currently 11th in the league in scoring defense, 10th against the pass, and 9th in total defense. on the flipside Auburn has the 4th best scoring defense (giving up only 16.3 per game), 4th in pass defense, 4th in sacks, and 2nd in 3rd down conversion percentage (allowing less than 28 percent of all 3rd downs to be converted), and they only given up 4 rushing touchdowns all season. unfortunately the defense has been a M.A.S.H. unit this season with major injuries everywhere. during the Auburn losing streak the once ferocious defense has been largely made up of second teamers and true freshman. also the lack of production by the offense has kept the defense on the field for most of the game which has resulted in some of their 2nd half meltdowns (most notably the West Virginia game). but the news out of Auburn is that most of the defensive line should be healthy and able to play this game...including starting tackles Sen'Derrick Marks and Tez Doolittle.

do i expect Auburn to win this game? no. would it shock me if they were able to pull off the upset? not really. historically the lower ranked team often wins this game. and with UGA not playing for much more than pride at this point, they seem ripe for an upset. Georgia has been one of the more overrated teams in the nation all season and their shitty defense has had major problems when facing athletic QBs who can run the ball...hey, i think Auburn has one of those this year. even with the trainwreck of an offense that Auburn has been all season one would hope that they might be able to exploit one of the weakest defenses in the nation and get some goddamn fucking points. if Auburn can pull out a win they will have to stop the run...and if you watched the West Virginia or Ole Miss or LSU games then you might have noticed that can become a problem for the Tigers in the 2nd half of games. they'll also need to keep the score low. i'm thinking 20-14 would be the score if Auburn can upset Georgia.

of course i wouldn't be at all surprised if we saw the Dawgs chew up the Auburn front seven all afternoon long and Knowshon rush for about 200 yards and 3 touchdowns in a route. If that happens you might not see me ever again as i will have found a nice bridge to go jump off of. regardless i hope it's a good game. something like the 2005 edition that saw both schools trade scores all game long before Brandon Cox pulled off the miracle 4th and forever conversion that set up the game winning score. if that happens i might just smile about my Tigers again. at least until the Iron Bowl.

potential for tragedy: 10. even though i'm more confident about Auburn's chances after watching what Kentucky was able to do to the Dawgs last weekend, i'm not crazy. Georgia is the better team and should win easily.

method of suicide: when you're a house divided the natural choice to die is to burn your home down with yourself and your loved ones inside.


all shittalking aside, i do hope to watch this game with some of my fellow college football loving fans tomorrow who just happen to root for those goddamn Dawgs...even if it's an early game (seriously 12:30?!! that should tell you just how not a big deal this game is this year). rivalries are no fun if you can't enjoy them with your rivals.

Suicide Watch, Week 11

so it's homecoming this weekend for the Tigers. not that they'll probably be feeling very welcome in Auburn this weekend. The Tigers are riding a 4 game losing streak (and 5 losses outta the past 6) and this is possibly their last chance for a win this season with the rivalry games against Georgia and Bama likely to be crushing defeats. never under the Tuberville run has the team's future seemed so completely up in the air.

there's not really a whole lot i can say about Auburn's opponent Tennessee-Martin. they are a Division IAA school with a 7-2 record. they got crushed 56-7 against South Florida in their only matchup vs. a DI school this year. they've scored 56, 63, and 87 points in games this year...so i assume that means they've got a pretty good offense for a DIAA school. wait....87 points!!! are you fucking serious?!! were they playing a highschool team?! and they've got uniforms that look exactly like Auburn's.

a loss to a team called the Skyhawks would be even more embarrassing than Bama's loss to the Warhawks of UL-Monroe last season.

Auburn has injuries all over the place. they've got no kind of offense to speak of. they morale is as low as it could possibly be and the coach is possibly going to be fired at the end of the season...if there was a more perfect way to put the final nail in this season's coffin than to lose a homecoming game to a lower division school then i can't think of one. a loss here would also guarantee that Coach Tuberville would be fired at the end of the year...hell maybe at the end of the game. i have zero faith left with this team...and sadly i'll be in the stands watching this game live. i could be witnessing something historic. it could either be the last win of the Tuberville era or it could be the last loss. regardless you can't call anything a gimme for this team anymore. the only gimmes are that CHANGE is coming to the Plains for 09.

potential for tragedy: 10, yeah i know that this is the biggest mismatch that the Tigers have had all season...but have you actually watched this team play football? until they win a fucking game i don't believe they can beat anyone.

method of suicide: the entire Auburn fanbase shall throw themselves in front of a train.