Which Of These Summer Movies Based On Something I Loved As A Child Is Going To Suck More?

Watchmen comes out on Friday and i've already mentally prepared myself for a huge let down. i've seen 300. i know that the director is only really interested in making shit look cool and is in no way capable of telling a complex story. it's okay though, if there is anything that the Star Wars prequels did for me as a movie lover was that it totally freed me from expectations. after Lucas took a CGI shit on my beloved childhood memories i no longer could get excited about anything based on something from my youth. now the Watchmen just looks like it has all the potential of being BIG & BRIGHT turd with neat looking digital effects and zero story what so ever...so if it's even remotely descent i will see it as a glorious achievement in nerd cinema. if it sucks, well then i get to stay in my tower of smugness where nothing can disappoint me. lowering ones standards is a pretty liberating thing.

but on the flipside of that is the little boy who grew up in the 1980s and spent all of his free time playing with, watching the cartoons, and reading the comic books of GI JOE and Transformers. as much as Star Wars, Empire, & Jedi were my favorite movies as a kid, the toys weren't nearly as awesome as GI JOE and Transformers were. i mean Snake Eyescan take Boba Fett in a cool looking action figure Pepsi Challenge any day of the weak. he's a ninja with a pet wolf. it's not something that can be fucked with. and as far as the Transformers go...well, did you ever own Optimus Prime? i mean he might have been the coolest good guy of all time. anyways with Transformers 2 and GI JOE movies coming out this summer i pose a question. which of these summer special effect, CGI nightmare, playing-on-8-fucking-screens-at-the-same-time, eye sores is going to be shittier?

up first is GI JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA

okay, first of all Destro isn't wearing a mask! what the fuck is up with that? secondly WHY ARE THEY ALL WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT AND WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF THE MATRIX?!?!?! say whatever you want about Tim Burton's Batman movie, but it fucking RUINED costuming for all comic book/sci fi movies for decades to come. everybody wants a black leather jump suit. BORING!!!! the coolest thing about GI Joe was that they all wore their own outfits. i mean some dudes wore T-shirts with Army fatigues. they got to grow out their beards. they got to have pet wolves and eagles and parrots. FAIL! x 1000. the plot of the movie is totally irrelevant. actually the more ludicrous the scheme that Cobra Commander and Destro are cooking up the better, but this shit looks like it's gonna be painful. i can already see that 20% score on Rotten Tomatoes right now. god, this is going to suck in ways that only Roland Emmerich movies usually can pull off.

up next we have Transformers 2: Revenge Of the Fallen

well the trailer looks a lot fucking cooler. i mean big giant robots and shit blowing up is usually a good way to get people to the theater. but since this is the 2nd Transformers movie, i already know what to expect...and that is a giant mess of poorly choreographed CGI robot fight scenes that nearly gave seizures and don't even really look like anything other than two video games fighting one another. i mean it's Michael Bay...he's the ANTI-Spielberg. all he knows how to do is take a really fun movie idea and then bury it under pointless quick cuts and the poorest directing ever seen by mankind.

so yeah, i think both of them will suck the suck of legend...but i'll probably still fork over my 10 dollars and go flock to the multiplex with all the rest of you and have my eardrums blown out and my brain melted. and so it goes.