THE NFLs Week 8 (your team sucks...except for the Pats and Colts)

-they haven't even played the game yet and i'm already sick of Colts/Patriots...must be that ESPN runs everything into the ground or something.
-the whole issue of the Patriots running up the score against the Redskins can easily be explained, obviously coach Belichick was playing someone who had the Redskins defence on their fantasy team and he was just trying to put them in negative points.
-Favre is still good. or at least better than 90% of the rest of the trash QBs currently taking up valuable caproom and roster spots on most all NFL teams.
-The Steelers look like the snake in the grass that could take out either the Colts or Patriots in the playoffs.
-my fantasy team lost by 1 fucking point. we've lost 3 out of our last 4 games to drop to 5-3. where did the domination of the Thug Apologists go?!?!
-for some reason i watched to Giants vs Dolphins game in London. what a shitty way to try and sell the great American game to the UK. worst fucking football game not involving the Atlanta Falcons that i've seen in ages. i guess McFadden is gonna be rocking those Dolphin colors next year. which probably means the Falcons will roll with Brohm.
-The Falcons lose to their bye week. it's been a rough year.

If You Don't Knowshon Then You Better Ask Somebody

if you have a girlfriend, wife, sister, or MILF who inhabits the town of Athens, GA and it's surrounding areas, then you should beware of UGA Runningback Knowshon Moreno as he will be laying some serious pipe down on the Athens areas hoes for the next 3-4 years and you unfortunately will be dishing out high fives to him.

Useless Blogpoll Week 9

A Lifetime of Defeats Week 9 Top 25

1. LSU
2. Oregon
3. Ohio State
4. Boston College
5. Oklahoma
6. West Fucking Virginia
7. Arizona State
8. Kansas?!?!?
9. Missouri
10. Hawaii
11. Texas
12. Georgia
13. USC
14. Auburn
15. Virginia Tech
16. Alabama
17. Michigan
18. Florida
19. UConn?!?!
20. South Florida
21. Boise State
22. Clemson
23. Tennessee
24. Wake Forest
25. South Carolina

college football is crazy. who knows who's gonna win this shit? in all honesty this was probably the least wild weekend so far of the 2007 season. Oregon put it to USC and proved that they are the second best team in the nation who is a fumble into the endzone away from being perfect. right now Oregon and LSU both feel like they are on a crash course to the national title game....with those pesky Buckeyes standing in the way. if Michigan ends up winning the Big 10 i'm sure they are praying they don't have to face the Ducks again in the Rose Bowl. that shit could be hella ugly. If Dennis Dixon was the QB at Texas, Ohio State, or any number of SEC schools he'd be just about ready to crank dat Heisman trophy. instead he is forced to wear the most shameful uniforms in history and just kick your team's ass with the best spread attack in college football (apologies to Pat White and Steve Slaton and the rest of West Fucking Virginia). speaking of WFV...they really reminded Rutgers who the fucking Boss is in the Big East, and it ain't Bruce Springsteen. South Carolina's kicker decided to go ahead and take them out of the SEC East race, which is just as well...LSU would probably rather kill Tennessee in the SEC Title game. Georgia decided to go to Jacksonville and play an actual football game against the Gators. if you don't Knowshon then you better ax somebody. and Ohio State put Joe Pa a little closer to death. fucking Ohio State.

Boston College Wins! Noone in Boston Cares.

BC goes into Blacksburg and pulls off a comeback win thanks to Matt Ryan's arm. of course nobody in New England was watching that game cuz they were all too busy watching the Sox beat the Rockies. being the number 2 team in the country but playing in a town that only cares about pro sports most suck. i mean they've had a good team for the past few years but they don't have any fans except for people who went there. if Boston College wins a National Title and noone hears it, does it make a sound?

Suicide Watch Week 9

it's rebound week for my Auburn Tigers. their winning streak is over, snapped by the freewheeling and extremely lucky LSU Tigers, and so are their chances of winning the SEC West...unless a miracle happens. it's okay. a last second loss at LSU is a hard thing to stomach and i've been pretty much in the dumps ever since, but i'm still proud of the way Auburn has been playing ever since the embarrassing loss to Mississippi State. 9 wins seems pretty realistic at this point...and there was no way i could say that 4 weeks ago.

this week the Tigers are back home and their taking on the Ole' Miss Rebels, technically the worst team in the SEC...although they've played alot of close games and it wouldn't be that surprising if they were able to pull a huge upset and knock off Auburn. it's an early game after a tough loss against a team auburn should have no trouble with...those factors combined haven't always worked out for my Tigers. Auburn's defense should be able to shut down Ole' Miss and the running game should be able to control the clock. don't be surprised if this a close game. Ole' Miss nearly knocked off Alabama and Florida so their shittiness is fairly respectable.

potential for tragedy: 4 (should be an easy win...key word is SHOULD. stranger things have happened though)

method of suicide: blow yourself up. and take as many motherfuckers with you as possible. if you lose this one then it's back to where we started before the winning streak. everything's fucked. jihad jihad.

Sports Moments That Made Me Wish I Was Dead: Number 1

The Jim Leyritz homerun in the 96 World Series.

the most painful moment for me as a baseball fan in my entire life...and possible the thing that helped drive me away from the sport and into the arms of football. The Braves were defending champs and had rallied past the Cardinals in the NLCS and were probably the most talented team of the entire Braves NL East Dynasty. The Braves had won the first two games of the series at Yankee Stadium, and narrowly lost Game 3 in Atlanta. Game 4 appeared to be going to the Braves; the score was 6-0 after the 5th inning. A Braves victory would have given Atlanta a commanding 3-1 series advantage. The Yankees scored three times in the 6th inning, and in the 8th inning, Leyritz hit a 3-run home run to left field to tie the game and cap the Yankee comeback. The home run was hit against Atlanta closer Mark Wohlers and the Yankees eventually won the game 8-6 in 10 innings. I was 17 years old at the time and still a huge baseball fan....but i was never the same after that game and series.

What's Your Fantasy? Week 8

my fantasy football move of the year just got straight jacked by another sucka in my league. frequently arrested, uber talented, and completely retarded Bengals Wideout Chris Henry has been sitting out just waiting for me to pick him up a few weeks before his suspension ends. he was too be the salvation for my piss poor receiving corp (the one that should have Wes Welker...yeah the guy i dropped in favor of Joey Fucking Porter...i AM dumb, yes, very very dumb) and help lead the Thug Apologists to their fantasy league title. oh well, no Chris Henry for me. honestly this really sucks on two levels. number one...we REALLY needed another quality wide receiver. seriously Joey Porter and Bernard Berrian are starting for us. and 2 we needed a straight thug like Henry on our team to prove that they are worth apologizing for. here's to hoping he gets arrested in his first week back and he turns into a non factor anyways.

When Are Those Fuckers gonna get cursed again?

Boston destroyed the Rockies last night. i guess not playing baseball for 8 days might cool off the hottest team in baseball a little bit. if they lose the next game then i'm going ahead and calling this shit over. also when the fuck did Josh Becket turn into Dwight Gooden circa 1986? the Braves should have gotten that kid during the great Florida Marlins Fire Sale part 2: Electric Boogaloo. i'm often amazed at how much i truly don't give a shit about baseball as i get older. The World Series is only a distraction inbetween College/Pro/Fantasy football games.

Who Got Them Heismans? (not another Boston College QB)

Matt Ryan, QB/Only player whose name i know on the number 2 ranked Boston College Golden Eagles. you are right now experiencing the highest level of hype during your career. right now you seem to be the only competent passer in the entire ACC and alot of draft experts are predicting you to be the 1st QB taken in the 2008 draft (let this be a lesson to all QBs...i'm talking to you Colt Brennan and Brian Brohm) get the fuck out of school while you are hot. coming back for your senior year in noble and all that shit but if people are predicting you to be a top 20 pick at the end of your junior season then just go ahead and go pro. coming back to school almost always hurts your draft stock. just ask Leinart and Quinn about that. anyways that was a pointless tangent...Matt Ryan is a good QB and he's playing really well right now. if he can go into Blacksburg and come out with a win then i will consider him a legit Heisman candidate...if he loses then he's out.

Tim Tebow, The Entire Florida Offence Apparently. is Tebow the best player in the SEC since Bo Jackson? that's what this SEC talk radio show was trying to say. i'm not really ready to go their just yet. he's a fucking beast, but he also lost two games to SEC West teams and still has South Carolina and Georgia ahead of him. If Florida wins out and then beats LSU in a rematch for the SEC title then Tebow may be the first Sophomore to take the Heisman home...but i don't really see that happening.

Mike Hart, Michigan RB. Hart sat out last weeks win over Illinois and it was pretty obvious how much he means to that offence if you watched any of that game. if Michigan wins out and Hart has big games against Penn State and Ohio State then you can go ahead and put him down as a lock to win the Heisman. Senior runningback for a traditional power who plays on TV every week and has all the Big 10 homers at ESPN and ABC jacking off over you...yeah that usually equals a Heisman in most years. then Hart gets to go to the NFL and be a non-factor during his career...but hey he'll always have that glorified paper weight to get him through the night.

Darren McFadden is out of it. it's the sad truth. Best player in college football plays on a shitty team. guess he'll just have to be content with all those fucking millions he's getting in the NFL...that league that none of these other assholes will be any good in.

Andre Woodson, Kentucky QB. welcome back to the race, bro. you lost again....but after knocking LSU off and playing so well against Florida in the loss you gotta believe your still in the race. you aren't gonna win it or anything, but a trip to New York is still better than spending a weekend in Lexington waiting for the Bowls to start.

Dennis Dixon, Oregon QB. beat USC and make me a believer. you're the best poor man's Vince Young in college football and your offence is kicking ass and taking names every week. you still have the best highlight of the season...also i promise not to take off any points for that uniform.

if they gave me a Heisman ballot, it would look like this.

1. Tim Tebow, Florida QB
2. Mike Hart, Michigan RB
3. Matt Ryan, Boston College QB
4. Andre Woodson, Kentucky QB
5. Dennis Dixon, Oregon QB

Useless Blogpoll Week 8

A Lifetime of Defeats Week 8 Top 25

1. LSU
2. Ohio State
3. Oklahoma
4. Oregon
5. Boston College
6. West Fucking Virginia
7. Florida
8. USC
9. Arizona State
10. Virginia Tech
11. South Florida
12. Missouri
13. Kentucky
14. Kansas
15. Hawaii
16. Texas
17. California
18. South Carolina
19. Auburn
20. Virginia
21. Georgia
22. Alabama
23. Michigan
24. Rutgers
25. Boise State

this season keeps gettin' weirder and weirder as we go on. will anyone be shocked if we get a Arizona State vs. Kansas national title game? okay, well everyone in the known universe would be surprised...but seriously all the scenarios that could play out in my head when thinking about college football have been all but exhausted at this point. anyways the rankings this week see the LSU Tigers return to the top spot.

Ohio State remains undefeated, but going unbeaten with their schedule so far is about as impressive as saying that Hawaii is undefeated....at this point. The Herbstreitbot will try to tell you otherwise. he's programmed to do that though. it's not his fault. do i think Ohio State is a good team? Of Course. do i think they'd lose to about 5 or six of the top SEC teams? Yes. anyways if Ohio State wins out then i think they should get a shot at the national title again, just don't be surprised if the same results as last year replay themselves.

at this point the match up i'd be most excited to see would be Florida Vs. Oregon in some random BCS bowl that doesn't decide the national title, but makes for some awesome football for people who enjoy points and hate defence. Boston College, Arizona State, and Kansas all remain big question marks until they each defeat someone impressive. Boston College is more than likely going down this week against Virginia Tech...which is just as well considering noone in Boston gives a shit about them anyways and Massholes are already douchebags enough with the Redsox and Patriots and now the Celtics...can we really suffer more of their yankee douchebaggery if their college football team got to play in the National Title game?

This Shit Should NEVER Happen

so during the Saturday Night battle for the SEC West between LSU and Auburn, LSU's superstar tackle Glenn Dorsey got fucked up on an illegal chop block by Auburn freshman lineman Lee Ziemba and Chaz Ramsey. it's one thing to play hard and try and knock a guy out but it's a totally other thing to go after a guy's knee...especially a guy who is gonna be a top 5 pick in the NFL Draft and the leader of the LSU Defense. as an Auburn fan i was totally sickened by the play. it's dirty and it's wrong and it makes the team look like assholes. also it was completely stupid, considering that Dorsey wasn't dominating the game by any means and all it really did was manage to spark the LSU defence to shut down Auburn for most of the second half until the final Auburn drive where they took back the lead. i'm of the opinion that Tubberville should sit both players for a week and that O-Line coach Hugh Nall should be either fined or suspended. This is the kind of bullshit that comes back on you in a big way....Karma is a bitch. if this had been done to Quentin Groves by LSU, i'd have been calling for fucking blood and as a non-thug apologists i can't look the other way and pretend this wasn't a despicable act.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

there are losses, and then there are LOSSES, and then there are soul sucking, spirit crushing, mind destroying, tears of blood inducing losses that make you wish you had grown up with some less stressful interests like model building or kite flying.

goddamn motherfucking LSU! with your fucking ballsy, semi-retarded headcoach, and NCAA 2007 playbook. it's gonna take me a long time to recover from this one.

Suicide Watch Week 8

This is It. The One. The Biggest Game Of The Year. sure there's still Bama and UGA, but those games are just for foolish pride, this game actually means something. Win Saturday Night and the Tigers control their own destiny, an SEC title and a BCS bowl will be in their grasp...ah but this is easier said than done, grasshopper. Sure Auburn is the hottest team in the SEC right now, winning three in a row...two of those on the road. One of those was against a Florida team that nearly took down LSU in Death Valley the next weekend. Auburn's defence is good enough to shutdown an LSU team that has mostly been getting by on pounding the ball....something Auburn does well at stopping (except for the South Florida game). If the Tigers can do to LSU's backfield what it did the Felix Jones and Darren McFadden then they could just walk away with their 5th win in a row and the 1st place spot in the SEC West.

That scenario is what i like to call optimistic. the LSU offence is in no way what i consider the biggest threat to Auburn's bid at an SEC title, it's that fucking defence, lead by Glenn Dorsey. Brandon Cox being destroyed to LSU's front seven or being forced back into his duck and cover mode that resulted in multiple picks against South Florida, or the fumble prone backfield coughing up the ball in the redzone and killing drives are the top 2 ways i could see this game getting out of hand and Auburn finding themselves down big.

Over the past few seasons the LSU/Auburn games have been the best games of the year for either school. LSU has to win this game to keep it's national title hopes alive and nobody strolls into Death Valley during a night game and just beats the Bayou Bengals. the last time these two teams played at LSU it ended in tears for Auburn as kicker John Vaughn missed 5 field goals and the Tigers lost 20-17 in overtime.
here's a nice painful little reminder in case you forgot.


potential for tragedy: this one is a 9 all the way. the way Auburn has been playing should give me alot more hope, but i'm a realist. LSU is fucking good and they DON'T lose night games at home. and there's no way they are losing back to back SEC games...of if they are Les Miles better hope he can still get that Michigan job, cuz they are definently running his ass out of town in Baton Rouge.

method of suicide: slit your wrists and let it flow. your season is over...sure you've still got those fucking rivalry games left, but the big trophy ain't coming home with you, baby.

Bo Knows How To Cheer Me Up

i've been feeling kind of shitty and down today. so i decided to post this random Bo Jackson youtube video to cheer me up.


thanks Bo. you're always there when i need you. i think i'll go play as the 1985 Tigers on NCAA 2008 and run for about 400 yards with you against Georgia.

I'll Never Get That Part Of My Life Back

Watching the Falcons on Monday Night Football (with an episode of Heroes sandwiched in between) might be the most useless and pointless waste of my time that I've committed in many a year. my fantasy football game was pretty much wrapped up with only Morten Anderson left...so there was no real drama in my fantasy game to worry about, and I HATE The Giants with a passion...so watching them pummel Joey Harrington all night was not something I'd enjoy anymore than having to sit through the rape scene in Deliverance. Honestly having a good fantasy team is sadly the only thing that will keep me interested in an NFL season that is obviously gonna end with another fucking Patriots championship. there's really only so much of that i can tolerate.

ten things i'd rather watch than the Falcons play football

1. South Asian snuff film
2. wild dogs attacking a baby
3. a musical
4. National League baseball
5. the Oxygen channel
6. the male nude scenes from OZ
7. mexican soap operas
8. fattie porn
9. the 700 club
10. any film starring Meg Ryan

Will Muschamp Owns The Night, Motherfucker!

i stole this from Every Day Should Be Saturday, who got in from someone else, who stole it from youtube, who took it from ESPN. regardless it's about Auburn and includes the use of the word motherfucker. it felt appropriate to repost here.


I Heart Will Muschamp. if Tommy really does leave for Texas A&M they should just go ahead and make Muschamp the head coach.

THE NFLs Week 6 (Purple Jesus Owns The Bears)

-i think Adrian Peterson just scored another touchdown on the Bears. seriously, dude had 224 yards rushing AND 3 touchdowns against the once mighty Bears D. the same defence that shut down LT in week 1. and i got this guy in 4th round of my fantasy league draft. Reggie who? Purple Jesus owns your ass.
-so do we just go ahead and give the Patriots their fucking trophy after completely destroying Dallas? The Cowboys managed to keep it interesting in the first half, but Wes Welker decided to make me pay for dropping him from my fantasy team by outplaying both T.O. and Randy Moss. what the fuck?!?! In the second half the Patriots broke it open and even racked up a couple of style points at the end. i mean seriously, they were passing in the 4th quarter with a huge lead. are they Florida in the 90s?
-Vince Young got hurt. if he's out for any length of time then the Titans season is done.
-Jason Campbell continues to be a better draft pick than either Alex Smith or Aaron Rogers. War Eagle bitches. unfortunately Santana Moss can't hold onto the fucking ball and the Redskins ended up losing to Greenbay. i have a feeling these two are going to meet again in the 1st round of the playoffs.
-The Bengals SUCK....Alot.
-The Dolphins and the Rams both suck even more. It's gonna be difficult for the Falcons to earn that top pick in the NFL draft. With the WORST teams in the NFL all having really good RBs there's a possibility that whoever gets the top pick in the draft this year will have the best backfield in the league if they pickup McFadden. just think, Steven Jackson, Reggie Bush, or Ronnie Brown could be splitting carries with the best back in college football next season...thereby diminishing their fantasy numbers and also making them all ask to be traded.
-The Saints finally won a game. the City of New Orleans is finally healed.
-The Chargers are back. fucking Chargers. i guess team Nike is earning their pay after all. Norv will fuck this all up soon i'm sure.
-my fantasy football team is 5-1. how's your team? oh Kurt Warner got hurt and you lost by 2 points. that's so sad. yeah you suck at Fantasy Football. it's okay, i suck at Legend Of Zelda. everything evens out.

Useless Blogpoll Week 7

A Lifetime of Defeats Week 7 Top 25

1. _____________
2. Ohio State
3. South Florida
4. Oklahoma
5. Boston College
6. LSU
7. South Carolina
8. Oregon
9. West Fucking Virginia
10. Kentucky
11. California
12. Florida
13. USC
14. Virginia Tech
15. Hawaii
16. Arizona State
17. Auburn
18. Missouri
19. Tennessee
20. Texas
21. Kansas
22. Texas Tech
23. Georgia
24. Cincinnati
25. Michigan
26. Virginia

when the Sex Pistols' "God Save The Queen" topped the British charts the during the Queen's jubilee in '77, the charts decided to keep it from officially being number one by not having a number 1 slot. that's exactly how i am keeping my poll for this week. i refuse to rate an Ohio State who hasn't beaten anyone, a South Florida team that wears those fucking horrible unis, and a Boston College team that plays in the weakass ACC as my number one. it's not gonna happen. i can't do it. call me a pussy, but anyone who says any of those teams are the best in the country is smoking some serious shit...it doesn't matter anyone, they're all gonna lose anyways, so fuck it. this poll means nothing...all fucking polls are meaningless...if there ever was a year that screamed, "we need a fucking playoff" then it's this year. South Florida and their ugly ass uniforms are #2 in the BCS poll, Ohio State could easily run the table in a terrible Big 10 and then end up getting crushed in another BCS title game, and Oklahoma feels like the team who has the easiest road to the title...and we know that = they'll get beaten by Kansas in the Big 12 title game. whatever, i give up trying to make predictions. blah blah blah, Michigan is back in the top 25. i hope they fucking beat Ohio State this year.

Auburn and Arkansas 2007, setting the SEC back 20 years

Dear Arkansas Razorbacks,

Sorry that we just got your coach fired. Sorry we just ended your prized runningback's chances at winning the Heisman Trophy. Sorry we just sent you to the Libery Bowl...guess that's called revenge for wrecking our season last year. No, you can't have our coach.

peace.

love,

Auburn

Anyways, another fucking amazing performance by the Auburn Tigers defence gives me hope that the SEC title is still very much a possibility...and most all of those kids are gonna be back next year. LSU losing to Kentucky makes next Saturday the biggest game of the year. WAR FUCKING EAGLE!

Also, I Heart Wes Byrum.

Suicide Watch Week 7

It's midway thought the college football season. Auburn finds themselves 4-2 and on a roll after a miserable start to the 2007 season. The Tigers are on a 3 game winning streak, including back to back wins in the SEC and are also back in the Top 25 for the first time since dropping out of the rankings with their overtime loss to South Florida. in retrospect they've lost to a top 10 team and a surprising Mississippi State squad that's probably gonna end up in a bowl. these are all the positive ways at looking at what's unfolded over the 1st half...but you know me, i'm never too positive. in all honesty Auburn should be AT LEAST 5-1 and ranked in the top 10 or better yet undefeated and playing for a shot at the National Championship...but this is the hand we are dealt. after the rough start i'm just happy to be ranked and relevant again. an added bonus to the last few weeks of good fortune has been the poor play of both Georgia and Alabama. with Bama completely dominating recruiting in the state of Alabama this year (thanks to Sith Lord Saban and his mind tricks) Auburn really needs to finish strong and snatch up as many top prospects as possible. From here on out it feels like Auburn could beat just about any team they should have to face and with the exception of LSU i don't see why they couldn't win out and finish the regular season at 9-3 and earn a New Years bowl bid. Capital One Bowl anyone?

One of the biggest and scariest obstacles to salvaging this season is about to rear it's ugly head this Saturday in the form of the Arkansas Razorbacks. Last season the Tigers were humming along, ranked number 2 in the nation after knocking off LSU and South Carolina when they ran into the buzzsaw that was the Razorbacks. Darren McFadden crashed through Auburn's front 7 like they were made of paper and racked 145 yards and a touchdown and kicked his Heisman campaign into gear. it was complete domination from start to finish....and then there was this fucking play:

that's called insult to injury. after that it was basically over as the Razorbacks rolled to a 27-10 beatdown of Auburn at Jordan-Hare stadium thus ruining the Tigers best chance at a Title in years. Auburn was able to bounce back and beat Florida a few weeks later but it was never really the same after that. While Arkansas managed to somehow win the SEC West despite not actually having anyone who could play quarterback and pretty much brought college football back about 4 decades.

and so here we are, a year later. Arkansas find themselves 0-2 in the SEC and under a cloud of controversy. Houston Nutt is almost definitely out the door unless the Hogs can knock off Auburn and LSU and somehow win the SEC West again. I would love nothing more than for the Tigers to get revenge on Arkansas and drive that nail into Houston Nutts coffin with a huge blowout win at their stadium. But these are difficult times in the college football universe. up is down, right is left, Stanford beat USC, a Florida quarterback is one of my favorite players. Nothing Makes Sense. that being said, Arkansas is ALWAYS scary. They have a two headed beast at runningback and they run the fucking Wildcat or Wildhog or whatever the hell it's called when that stick McFadden at QB and just let him get all LT in your ass.

Potential for Tragedy: a solid 5. Arkansas is always a tough game for Auburn. They have the best backfield in college football, but that's about it. stop the run and the Tigers will win....but that's easier said than done when you are trying to stop Superman.

Method of Suicide: HIT BY A MOTHERFUCKING TRAIN, D-Mac is coming and he's running you over.