In The End, Auburn Ran Out Of Miracles

WELL FUCK! after maybe the most wonderful and exciting seasons I have ever experienced as an Auburn fan it sure sucks to get kicked in the balls like that.

and so the 2013 season ended the most heartbreaking way that it could possibly end. Auburn, a huge underdog, holding onto the slimmest of leads was unable to make 1 final stop when it was needed. the defense played their fucking ass off all night long, and i can't even begin to be angry with that effort, but that final drive was torture. and then Chris fucking Davis who made the greatest play in Auburn history also made the worst play of the season...although something tells me that Kick Bama Kick might hold up a little bit longer than that pass interference call.

Auburn's strength all year has been that blitzkrieg of a rushing attack but the fucking play calling with the big lead was just a little too fucking cute, tonight. and all those goddamned points left out on the field are the kind of thing that would be driving me completely fucking insane if i didn't stop and remember that this collection of players went 3 and fucking 9 last year and got absolutely destroyed by UGA and Alabama to close out the season. this same team with a cornerback who pretends to play QB and can not pass worth a shit beat the Tide and Dawgs in the 2 greatest goddamned wins of my lifetime. 2 wins that i would not trade for any victory ever, including this BCS title game tonight.

in the end these Tigers just ran out of miracles. i will always love this 2013 Auburn Tiger team, maybe even more than i love the 1989 Tigers that beat Alabama for the 1st time at Auburn, or the 2004 Tigers who in retrospect woulda kicked the shit outta USC if given the chance, or the 2010 Tigers and the mythical being known as Cam Newton, or the 1987 team that demolished Texas in my 1st ever game at Jordan-Hare, or those Bo Jackson teams that i just barely remember watching as a little boy. i do know that this squad has overtaken the 1991 Atlanta Braves team as the most wonderful surprise in my life of watching sports. thank you Nick Marshall, Tre Mason, Chris Davis, Greg Robinson, Dee Ford, and all the other players who gave me this wonderful gift of a season. it's gonna be a long long time before there will be a team that feels this special ever again.

on a personal note, i have missed this blog. i haven't had the time or the energy to write my silly profanity fueled, grammatically challenged nonsense the last couple of years, but a heartbreaking loss like this might be just the kinda thing to kick my ass back in gear.

just one win short. War Damn Eagle forever and ever.

What Happened One Night In America Is All You Ever Need To Know About Atlanta Sports

Where once there was a feeling of optimism and hope, now there is only despair. 30+ years or rooting for Atlanta sports teams has taught me one thing more than any, how it feels to fucking lose.

The Braves suffer yet another heartbreaking defeat in the post season and are now 18 years removed from winning a World Series. The 2013 squad were a team that renewed my interest and love in the Atlanta Braves. They are young, full of potential, had the most dominating bullpen in baseball, hit a shit load of homeruns, and were fun to watch most of the year....but like so many Braves teams that came before them all of the things they did well during the year vanished when it came crunch time. that Atlanta was able to hit 1 meaningless homerun against the the Dodgers after leading the NL in 4 baggers for the year is exactly what you would have expected to happen. having one of your most reliable relief pitchers give up what would be the game winning homerun just 6 outs away from pulling off an upset in LA and sending the series back to Atlanta with all the momentum in the Braves favor is exactly what you should have expected to happen. going home early again is exactly what you should have expected.

The Falcons have gone from a Super Bowl contender to a fucking disaster that will be lucky to win 6 games. Those 10 yards shy of winning the NFC seem 100s of yards away now. a trash heap offensive line, a useless defense, and some of the most boneheaded coaching moves you will ever see has sunk the 2013 season just 5 games in. there are so many negative things i could say about this Falcons team, but i am not gonna waste the blogspot space. the Falcons need major changes if they want to ever win a championship. in the NFL you have the shortest of windows and Atlanta's in closing fast.

2 franchises linked in geography and their ability to mutually let down their fanbase on a yearly basis. Let the yankees burn Atlanta to the ground again and let's just start all over.

The Best Movie Of 2013 That Almost No One Saw and/or Liked: Only God Forgives

Hey girl, do you like violence?

2013 still has all the important fall months left for the Oscars to decide who they are gonna give a pointless trophy to but not a single one of those movies that gets nominated is going to be the masterpiece that Only God Forgives fucking is, truly the best David Lynch movie not made by David Lynch since David Lynch made Lost Highway. This is an utterly bizarre film that most people will hate, including seemingly every critic that exists.

It is brutally violent, completely weird and nonsensical, and pretentious as fuck...BUT i loved every goddamned arty oddball second of it. this is an all or nothing kinda experience and it will really depend on how you feel about mood vs. story telling. this movie is ALL mood and style not-unlike Drive but it doesn't have cool scorpion jackets or electro pop, instead it's just RED RED RED everywhere and dread, so much motherfucking dread.

Ryan Gosling is Julian, a heroin dealing member of a Bangkok crime family, all silent and brooding with major mommy issues thanks to Kristin Scott Thomas (the real star of the film) as the vengeful overbearing mob mother who is out for blood against Vithaya Pansringarm, the samurai-like sword wielding cop who delivers brutal Punisher style justice against the members of Julian's crime family when he's not out at the bar singing karaoke. Gosling's character is just doomed to be caught in the middle of these powerful forces of revenge.

it makes sense that Nicolas Refn Winding dedicated this movie to Alejandro Jodorowsky cuz it's got more in common with El Topo than it does with Drive. Only God Forgives makes Drive look like the Fast & Furious in comparison.

not for everyone, this is a love it or hate it film. and i FUCKING LOVED IT. destined to be a cult classic. 5 nihilistic stars.

My Favorite Albums of 2012

I don't even pretend to follow new music anymore. It isn't because I don't think people aren't still making music worth paying attention to or I am stuck in my ways or any of that other shit....ok maybe it's some of that, but honestly it's just that i have become really fucking lazy in my old age. also trying to decipher what the average record review is actually saying about the record it is reviewing is like trying to explicate a poem and i just have no time for that....BUT through the power of osmosis and from the recommendations of trusted allies I occasionally stumble upon new music that i enjoy.

Here are MY FAVORITE ALBUMS OF 2012 in no particular order.

Every goddamned album Ty Segall put out this year. 

Ty Segall and White Fence- Hair

Ty Segall Band- Slaughterhouse

Ty Segall- Twins.

Ty Segall is one prolific motherfucker. Dude puts out a new album like every couple of months.  i am convinced that it is because he believes the world actually IS ending in 2012 and he wants to make sure every kickass song he ever wrote gets heard before an asteroid smashes into the planet and robs of the chance of hearing anymore quality jams from the bastard son of Nirvana's Bleach and Marc Bolan's psychedelic glam stomp. Ty Segall is running this psychedelic garage rock shit right now and i am good with that. if the world doesn't end i hope he's got another half dozen more records in 2013.

Slug Guts- Playin' In Time With The Deadbeat 

Slug Guts are an Australian band carrying on the proud traditions of their grandfathers The Birthday Party and Pussy Galore with an unholy amount of post-punk noise and deathrock rattle. i always just assume the Mad Max movies are documentaries of everyday Australian life…it’s the only way to explain why they do fucked up rock n roll better than everyone else.

The Walkmen- Heaven

my relationship with the Walkmen is turning into a sort of old married couple. the passion of the Bows & Arrow days might be gone and we don't fight and cry much anymore...but i know i can still count on them in the end. they are dependable as fuck. no bullshit. just great songs that you can lay around in bed and listen to. they put out an album, i buy it, i enjoy it, they put out another one and so on and so forth until the end of time.

Vincas- Blood Bleeds 

Athens, GA's best band put out probably my most listened to album of year. a gumbo mix of The Scientists' swamp rock boogie, Suicide's drone, and Scratch Acid's weirdness. rock music the way it should be. Dirty, Sleazy, and Noisy as fuck.

The Men- Open Your Heart 

the most straight up ROCK record of 2012 is all fucking balls and no fucking bullshit.

Maserati- VII

the post-rock scene doesn't have to be all emotional Explosions In the Sky Friday Night Ligths episodes... it can also be a dance-y instrumental space rock party that doubles as a soundtrack for Blade Runner 2: Blade Runnerest.

Crocodiles- Endless Flowers

Crocodiles are still pretty much a Jesus and Mary Chain cover band...but it's not like i am complaining. originality is fucking overrated. i love this glossy overblown shoegazey noise pop shit. this was my Summer soundtrack.

Wild Nothing- Nocturne

DIIV- Oshin 

my need for 4AD-ish shoegazey dreampop was fulfilled in 2012.

State Champion- Deep Shit 

this album actually came out at the end of 2011...but fuck it! i didn't hear it until 2012 and so i am gonna put it my list anyways. This is pure hillbilly garage rock n roll that's drunk as hell and has a lot of shit it wants to get off it's chest. these are some Kentucky boys that just wanna play you some sad ole' country songs but they can't help it if their amps are stuck on Dinosaur Jr. it reminds me of a time when Americana didn't automatically equal boring as fuck indie rock with some slide guitar added in for effect. if you are a fan of Uncle Tupelo, Whiskeytown, Steve Earle, The Replacements, and good honest American Rock n Roll then this is a record for you.

Sic Alps- Sic Alps 

White Fence- Family Perfume vol 1&2

the best psychedelic garage rock records that Ty Segall didn't make. good job dudes, i love Syd Barrett and the Olivia Tremor Control too.

Pop. 1280- The Horror

goth, No Wave, noise rock, 3 guys 1 hammer, film noir, PiL records, and songs about dogs.

Moon Duo- Circles

droney psych and krautrock influenced shit that sounds like Spacemen 3 covering a Silver Apples record.

Spiritualized- Sweet Heart Sweet Light

i like Spiritualized, so as long as J. Spaceman can not die of cancer or drug addiction he is always gonna get a spot on a year end list.

Terry Malts Killing Time

kick ass catchy ass fuck power pop with the fuzz pedal cranked in the red. 

Ex-Cult- Ex-Cult

Psychedelic garage rock with a healthy mix of Wire's Pink Flag

Cold Showers Love and Regret

a gloomy post punk record that sounds like it was made by  kids who are just now discovering music by The Sound & The Chameleons or who think it's been enough years since Interpol was relevant that now was as good a time as any to steal their schtick. but as i say around here all the time, originality is overrated....which is good cuz ain't nothing original about this album. that's just fine with me, Cold Showers understand how to write a catchy gothy little pop song. check it out if you are into that sorta thing.

Sex Church Somnambulist 7 inch

another band mining the 80s post-punk era for inspiration. droney/noisey garage rock trying it's hardest to sound like Swell Maps and The Wipers. killer. one of my favorite discoveries of the year. 

TEEN In Limbo

produced by former Spacemen 3 member Sonic Boom (aka Peter Kember), which makes a lot of sense because this sounds like a Spectrum album with a member of the Shangri-La's singing over it. In Limbo is an interesting combination of new wave keyboards, atmospheric dreampop, and the 60s girl group sound. it's just a wonderful mix of styles and influences i can get behind. other than having a band and record name combo that would probably get you some sketchy ass google search results, this is an excellent album.

MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF 2012 (and some of my least favorite too)

THE BEST FUCKING MOVIES OF 2012

Django Unchained: at this point you either love Quentin Tarantino or you fucking hate him...or maybe you don't even give shit (have an opinion about something!). I am a shameless QT apologist. Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction both came out when i was in highschool and had a huge influence on my taste in movies ever after. Tarantino knows what the fuck i like. Django might just be his messiest most over the top movie yet. it has literally everything you could possibly want from Tarantino: buckets and bucket and buckets of blood, Samuel L. Jackson reminding people he used to be an awesome actor, Don Johnson as a racist Colonel Sanders, Jamie Foxx killing the fuck out of everyone, people getting blown up by dynamite, Tarantino trying to act, and a bowing horse. i love it. LOVED it. will probably go see it 2 or 3 more times in the theater. it is the most Tarantino movie Tarantino has ever made. 

Moonrise Kingdom: at this point you either love Wes Anderson or you hate him (wait...didn't i just say the same thing about Tarantino) because he's been making basically the same movie over and over again...but so did Woody Allen. so get over it. i am sucker for his meticulous little cartoon worlds of bad fathers, odd children, impossibly detailed sets, 60s folk soundtracks, and upper middle class white people problems. i loved every second of Moonrise Kingdom because it was just too cute not to. other than the part where the dog dies. Wes, quit killing dogs damnit! you are bringing me down. 

The Grey: a movie almost no one i know saw. the previews just made it look like Liam Neeson fights wolves! but really it's a movie about death and courage in the face of said death. it's probably Neeson's best performance ever, but no critics seem to give a shit because it came out at the beggining of the year and they all can't remember movies that didn't happen post-thanksgiving when award season rolls around. 

Looper: i am and always will be a sucker for a good sci-fi movie. does all the time travel shit make any sense? who gives a shit? it's Bruce Willis running around killing people and the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun trying to kill him. plus people have mutant powers. plus the most fucked up body horror scene in years. plus Piper Perabo naked. plus Jeff Daniels. plus Mazda Miatas. 

Dredd: most violently stupidly awesome movie of the summer. a simple action sci-fi story that felt like something John Carpentar would've made in his Escape From New York/Big Trouble In Little China days. also the best 3D movie i've seen. 

Goon: basically the best comedy of 2012 and the best sports comedy since Major League. 

Turn Me On Dammit!: Alma is a horny 15 year old girl that spends her time masturbating, dreaming about Artur the boy she is crushing on, and hoping to get the fuck out of her shitty little town someday. Artur pokes Alma with his dick at a party but noone believes her because these little lip balm addicted bitches can't deal with my girl Alma's foxiness and brutal honesty. so Alma becomes an outcast. highschool sucks everywhere, dudes. more masturbating and phone sex and other such adventures til our hero Alma decides these motherfuckers can kiss her ass. 

Marvel's The Avengers: i thought this movie was going to suck. i had been mostly underwhelmed by the Disney Marvel movies other than the 1st Iron Man and thought that Avengers looked pretty fucking stupid. but hey, i was wrong, cuz this was the most fun i had in a theater all year. sure the first 30 minutes of the movie are boring as fuck, a lot of dialogue is terrible...but then The Hulk shows up and starts smashing things and i was turned into a 12 year old boy just smiling stupidly as that big green sonofabitch punches giant space worms in the fucking face. 

The Cabin In The Woods: being that i love Buffy the Vampire Slayer with all my heart, i am glad Joss Whedon's finally getting his due after all these years. Cabin In The Woods felt like something that would've been a really funny Buffy episode. i dig self aware clever bullshit.

Argo: Ben Affleck is a mediocre actor who has somehow morphed himself into a totally awesome director that makes tense little thrillers that Brian DePalma hasn't made since the 70s. 

Skyfall: James Bond + The Dark Knight + Home Alone = the best Bond movie since Goldeneye.

Safety Not Guaranteed: i am totally in love with Aubrey Plaza. i am such a cliche that i don't even care anymore. 

Chronicle: if not for the stupid fucking found footage format this movie would've been perfect. what would happen if some dumb teenage guys were given super powers? probably this movie. and if one of them happened to be a social outcast from an abusive home he probably would turn into a psychotic super villain. Chronicle would make for a really awesome New Mutants movie. seriously, when is hollywood going to give me a New Mutants movie? 

End Of Watch: best cop movie in the last few years. 

Savages: a nasty little piece of cinema trash that is easily the best movie Oliver Stone has made since the mid 90s. Benicio Del Toro steals the show. lots of brutal violence and torture.

The Raid: Redeption: has basically the exact same plot as Dredd but with way more kung fu. this movie reminded me of the good ole days of John Woo's Hong Kong soap opera action movie killspree past. 

Magic Mike: the most hilarious experience i had during any movie this year was watching Magic Mike with two drunk ass girls. plus Matthew McConaughey singing "Ladies of Tampa".

Killer Joe: this movie wasn't really that good, not like i had hoped, BUT still any movie where McConaughey gets to act shitballs crazy and wear a cowboy hat is a movie i am going to enjoy. 

and cuz not everything can be a gem....

THE MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIES OF 2012

Dark Knight Rises: or how Christopher Nolan killed the serious comic boy movie for me.

Prometheus: or fuck you! this movie makes no fucking sense! i could go on for hours and hours and hours about why i hate this movie. but you've all heard all the reasons from everyone else. i will still probably go see the sequel though, so shame on me.

The Master: two really great acting performances can not make up for the fact this movie is completely pointless and plotless and is the worst Paul Thomas Anderson movie of his career.

The Thing prequel: i don't know why i tricked myself into thinking that THIS was going to be any good. it might be the worst piece of shit i saw all year. 

Ruby Sparks: everything i hate about indie romances in one fucking movie.

Welcome Back, Gus!

Thanks for keeping the seat warm for me, bro.

Auburn has their man, and it appears to be our old offensive coordinator genius...aka Gus Malzahn.

Nothing but positive vibes from me on this hire. When Kirby Smart became the hot name yesterday I was filled with dread but when news hit the twitterverse that Auburn had chosen to bring back Malzahn I felt instant excitement. Sure I have my worries about the Tigers ability to stop anyone on defense with Gus in full control of the program...but fuck it dude! if Auburn drop 40 points a game then we can give up 35 for all I care. The Urban Meyer Florida teams, 2010 Auburn ,and 2012 Texas A&M showed us that having an uptempo offense can win and win big in the SEC. There's just no reason not to think that without a defensive minded head coach meddling with his offense, that Malzahn can turn Auburn into Oregon of the South. Will he be able to recruit talent on defense? not sure, but the real question will be can he find a QB who can actually run his scheme...because that's what really matters if the Tigers are gonna compete in the SEC again. All these questions are for much later. Right now I'm just gonna be happy.

Welcome back, Gus! War Damn Eagle!

Ok Auburn, Just hire that fucking asshole and get this shit over with.

When I heard that Kentucky had hired Mark Stoops as their headcoach the first thing i said was "Auburn is gonna hire Petrino."

Originally this thought made me kind of sick to my stomach...and not because I'm some strongly moral dickhead who gives a shit about powerful men cheating on their wives... there are bigger problems in the world.  No, I was more sick because my Falcons fandom still thinks of Bobby Petrino as the fuckface who snuck out of town in the middle of the night with a Dear John note in the players' lockers. But that cowardly move actually ended up working out pretty well for the Dirty Birds and Atlanta has never been better as an NFL franchise. So all these years later I don't really give a shit about what he did in Atlanta, or the Jetgate nonsense, or the fact Petrino just seems like a completely unlikeable jerk. Not even a little bit. All I give a shit about Auburn's next headcoach is that they know what the fuck they are doing and can beat UGA and Bama without the benefit of superhuman QBs. Bobby Petrino IS a scumbag...but he is also THE BEST COACH available. And isn't finding the best coach what really matters. Auburn is a school, i understand that...but Auburn Football is a business and the smart business decision is to just hire the asshole who knows how to win. Of course if you read the tweets and the messageboard and blog rants there is a pretty strong section of Auburn fans who say they will not support or watch the Tigers if Petrino is the coach. So 3-9 didn't kill your love but Petrino will? I guess i can only say enjoy the yardwork on Saturdays then.

I'm sure this coaching search to go on for a week or two, but when it is all said and done i fully expect that the man who will be in charge at Auburn next season is going to be Bobby Petrino. You can scream at the heavens about the Auburn Creed and values and others such subjections of mock outrage all you want on twitter and messageboards but deep down you are gonna be happy because you know that Auburn will finally have a coach who can compete with the Sabans and Miles of the SEC.

that being said...if we hire James Franklin or Gus Malzahn i am gonna be hella stoked too, dudes. i just hope i don't have to post something like this again.