Wednesday, December 31, 2008

the Nerds finally prevail

Vandy won a bowl game! Wrap your tiny brain around that shit.

The Vanderbilt Commodores are bowl game winners over Boston College who was the runner up in the ACC. Which means Vandy lost to the worst team in the ACC in Duke but somehow managed to beat a team that had won it's previous 9 bowl trips. Sometimes the world is a crazy place.

I've been rooting for Vanderbilt to just make it to a bowl as long as I've been aware of how sorry they were, which is basically most of my football watching life, so to see them pull off their improbable 5-0 start followed by a 1-6 slide that barely got them bowl eligible and then to have have them pull off a big time upset like this...well it makes me proud, almost as much as if they were my own favorite team. As much as I hated enduring Auburn's Season Of Death, the loss to Vandy almost feels worth it when I watched them take their final knee and claim victory. 7-6...a winning season. Who the fuck would have ever imagined such a thing?

2008 may have been a shitty year all around but Obama and The 'Dores were there to remind me that sometimes you just gotta have faith.

my last post of the year

So I've been without the internet for about 4 days and I've been doing all my blogging via my fancy new g1 (that's the Google phone in case you ain't hip to the know) and it's a bit of a pain in the ass to be honest and so my blogging output has been down of late. I was planning a big Collge Football 08 in Review post full of pointless awards and top 10 moments and the like, but that shit'll have to wait. So instead I give you my new years resolutions...

1. Cut the cursing down by 50% on this blog...it ain't gonna fucking happen, but I'll try.
2. Be more positive....hahahahaha, yeah right.
3. Watch less internet porn.
4. Lose 30 pounds.
5. Quit making such quick knee jerk reactionary posts everytime something I don't like happens to my favorite teams.
6. Master the triple option on NCAA 2009 and shatter all rushing records.
7. Quit being so lazy with my spelling, grammar, and punctuation. (Sorry Mrs. Scott)
8. Be more awesome.

Happy new year motherfuckers.

Go Vandy.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

vacation time is over

So being a self-loathing Auburn fan these last few weeks just wasn't doing it for me...luckily my Tigers just served up aa big ole curveball with the hire of Gus Malzhan and suddenly the Long Winter doesn't seem nearly as bleak. So a return to optimism is in order (easier said than done from a blog that focuses on failure, defeat, and thoughts of suicide as related to the watching of football.)

so yeah i'm back on the HOPE & CHANGE ticket. all positive vibes all the time.

"Yes we can" and all that because like it or not friends and foes, the Spread Eagle is back for it's sequel....Spread Eagle 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

chad pennington gets his revenge

What a totally awesome final week of the season.

11 wins for the falcons!!
The cowboys got their asses kicked. Romo sucks.
Al gets his vengence as the raiders knock the bucs out.
The patriots are staying home....hahahaha.
The panthers got lucky. Damn!

Hey I Wonder If Mitch Mustain Wants to come too...

i'm starting to take the Bob Marley, everything's gonna be alright, attitude regarding Auburn. they retained Willis...that was a good start, and now they've made a big splash by bringing in Gus Malzahn from Tulsa (formerly of Arkansas) to be the new offensive coordinator. Tulsa had the second best offense in the nation and just in case you were wondering, yes they do run the spread or are at least spreadish. so maybe some of those recruits might wanna reconsider coming on back to the Plains. Ray Cotton, it's not too late young man. so yeah, maybe the sky hasn't fallen that far after all. so much for boring old smash mouth football.

Fuck & Yes!

my big question, why didn't they just hire him last season?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

War Damn Tuberville

war eagle reader posted it first, but it's so fucking good i had to give it some love here as well.

Peace Out Tommy. Thank You Forever.



and hey it's the first good news in a while. Chizik is keeping James Willis as the linebacker coach and most notable and more importantly as a recruiter. i'm glad to see Auburn make at least one move that hasn't been idiotic.

Pat White 4 Ever


The First Ever 4 year starting QB to go 4-0 in Bowl Games. the greatest running QB of all time (sorry Vick). you beat UGA, Oklahoma, and whipped Auburn's ass. you kissed Erin Andrews. you are one of the 10 most exciting college football players of my lifetime. i'm gonna miss watching you in random Thursday night Big East matchups. if college football players were bands you'd be Fugazi...never selling out to make it big time but always solid and always putting on a great show. Thanks Pat White. you fucking ruled. i hope you somehow end up a Falcon...just cuz it'd be fun to see you running the wildcat in the NFL and returning kicks and being awesome.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

My Football X-Mas Wishlist

i'm asking Santa for 10 things to change in the game of football.

1. a 16 team College Football playoff. i'll settle for 8, but really...i want all 16. 11 conference champions and 5 at large seeds.

2. since we aren't getting a playoff anytime soon then please take away the Big East's automatic bid. the Mountain West was a far better conference this year and had 2 legit BCS bowl quality teams in TCU and Utah, plus BUY and Air Force both had solid years as well. but really we need to allow more than 2 teams from a conference to get into BCS bowls if there are 3 who are deserving. the fact that Texas Tech isn't in a BCS bowl and Ohio State got in is a crime.

3. let's strengthen some weaker conferences. make Boise State leave the WAC and join either the Pac 10 (with Utah) or join the Mountain West and make the Mountain West a BCS conference. since we aren't gonna let the Big East be part of the BCS anymore let's go ahead and steal away West Virginia and South Florida and swap them out with two of the shittier ACC teams and then have Pitt go join the Big 10 and create the crazy world of 2 BIG 12s!!!

4. make Oregon pick two uniforms (one home and one away) and make them stick with that. and No more fucking Emo Wings!!!

5. get rid of the Coaches poll. it's useless. those fuckers have no idea who is good and who isn't if they aren't playing or scouting them.

6. DO NOT LET THE NFL GO TO A 17 GAME SEASON. that's just another game that'll prevent your team from making the playoffs. also, it's maybe time to think about adding 2 more teams to the NFL playoffs...i mean right now it feels perfect but when you've got multiple 10 win teams not making the playoffs it kinda sucks for the fans.

7. seed the playoffs based on the teams with the best records. just cuz you won your division doesn't mean you should have the right to host shit.

8. Free Darren McFadden from the Raiders. or better yet free the Raiders from Al Davis. come on Death, you really had to take Paul Newman this year over Undead Al?


9. Stop Roger Goodell from letting NFL teams play in other countries. i'm glad they stopped the China thing, but letting the Bills play games in Canada is just as bad.

10. Get rid of that fucking dancing robot on FOX!!!


and a special bonus request: No More Favre Watch. he retires or he doesn't, but don't bore us with the 24/7 coverage.

Yes Jimmy Clausen, there is a Santa Clause AKA maybe Notre Dame should join the WAC

So when the Irish decide they are finally gonna win a bowl game they really go out and whip that ass. you might as well call that the most impressive win of the Charlie Weis-era (i'm sure the boosters and trustees think 80 bazillion dollars is worth a win against a lousy Hawaii team). Jimmy Clausen had like 800 yards passing and half of his td output of the season. i still don't see a future NFL QB. regardless the longest Bowl losing streak is now officially over. Merry X-Mas Charlie, you douchebag.

so how long do the reactionary pundits at ESPN wait before they start propping Notre Dame up as a BCS contender next year? oh wait, it's already started...

Monday, December 22, 2008

PLAYOFFS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Holy fucking shit! The Falcons. The Dirty Birds. The Shakespearean Tragedy that is the NFL's Atlanta Franchise is going to the motherfucking playoffs!!!!

SUCK IT!!!!!!

This rules so hard that i can't even complete thoughts.

Matt Ryan you are officially no longer known as Fucknuts McWhitey. i have never been so happy to be so fucking wrong about a player in my whole life. just go ahead and disregard all this horse shit that i wrote. i know nothing about football. you fucking rule. ROOKIE OF THE YEAR, MVP, BEST FALCONS QB EVER!!!!! you're still a big fucking dork, but goddamn you rule.

Mike Smith, i love you.

Michael Turner, thanks for proving me wrong when i said you'd just be Lamont Jordan.

Roddy White and Michael Jenkins....thanks for remembering that you guys were football players this year. what used to be this teams biggest weakness has become an unquestionable strength.

John Abraham is a beast...the rest of the defense could use some work...but hey, you guys do just enough to win. thank you.

THE FALCONS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS!!!! WRAP YOUR FUCKING MIND AROUND THAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER!!!

You don't have to get me anything for X-mas (other than a new AD for Auburn) because the Falcons gave me the best present all year.

and to make this all the sweeter, if Atlanta beats the shitty Rams next weekend and Carolina loses to the Saints, the Falcons will become the #2 Seed!!!! BOOM!!!!!! my mind just exploded.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Bowl-O-Rama Kicks Off

Navy vs. Wake Forest....why i am watching this?

Friday, December 19, 2008

one thing i have learned Post-Chizik.

there are a lot of stupid Auburn fans out there. not that i was unaware of this fact, it's just been brought into the light a little more for me. apparently agreeing with Charles Barkley makes me a Bammer. sweet. sometimes i just need to stay away from the internet.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Playoffs?!?!

so college football doesn't have a playoff. we all know it. we all hate it. but ESPN has a fun little thing where you can create your own 16 team college football playoff bracket and simulate it to see who would win it all in your imaginary pool. The computer seems to love the Longhorns. i made 8 completely different playoff scenarios and Texas won over half of them.

one thing is for sure, if we ever do get a college football playoff it's gonna put your basketball office pool to shame.

The Race Thing

so if you are an Auburn fan and you've been paying attention to anything on ESPN, the race question is getting thrown around a lot regarding Auburn's hire. Charles Barkley is calling Auburn out and if you've been on any of the message boards or blogs people are losing their shit over this. some people are being level headed and objective. some people are making the typical "Barkley needs to shut up/ He's an idiot" comments and there's some borderline racist shit being said as well, which is exactly what i was afraid would happen.

regarding Barkley, he can say whatever the hell he wants. i actually agree with a lot of the things he is saying. i am just as pissed off as he is and it doesn't bother me that he's out there stirring shit up. it sucks that Auburn is being branded as racist by the media (read: ESPN), but it's AlaFuckingBama guys. the state doesn't have much history in the realm of progress.

i don't wanna get into a race debate...but i will say it's ridiculous that there are so few black coaches in college football when you consider that 75% of the players are African Americans. i do think that the NCAA needs to adopt something similiar to the NFL's Rooney Rule.

all that being said, Do i really think the Auburn hire was racist? No i don't. i think it was fucking retarded, but i don't think it was racist at all. the problem is that they wanted someone they were more comfortable with, aka someone they knew. i mean they didn't even talk to Mike Leach who went 11-1 this year? these people aren't racist...they are morons. also, Auburn did interview 2 black candidates which is 2 MORE than most schools ever talk to. they really aren't getting much credit for that because of Barkley's comments.

do i think it would have been awesome if Auburn had hired Turner Gill? Yes. would it have been a major social statement? Yes. would Auburn probably have been better off? yes. Am i ready to move on and stop talking about this? yes.

i've been talking this kind of shit for years

“If you look at the Bobby Bowden, Mark Richt, Chuck Amato family tree, there is no discipline whatsoever. And if the players don’t have natural strength, they are not strong. There is no substance to their strength programs. With the type of talent they have at Georgia and Florida State, they ought to be in the hunt for national championships every year. I don’t know why Richt is not fending for his job.”

that's a quote from an NFL scout on profootballweekly.com which i think is pretty spot on about the Georgia football program. as an Auburn fan, i'd be calling for my coaches head every year when he's got a squad loaded with that much pure talent and is NEVER seriously in the conversation at the end of the season for a national title. i know it's the SEC, and i know Georgia has won 2 league titles in the Richt Era, but still his teams are under performing almost every single year.

but cheer up Georgia, at least you've got a shot to be a good football team in the next 5 years...unlike some other team i know of who wears Orange and Navy and yells "War Eagle" a lot.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Hey, It Could've Been Worse

so you still haven't gotten over the fact Gene Chizik is Auburn's new coach?

well my good friend, fellow Athenian, and blogger Mr. Kennie Bloggins (who also happens to be a fan of the Crimson Tide) has compiled a list of candidates that would have been worse hires for head coach than the one Auburn made.

The Douchebag Top 25 Is Back


so i did this once before and actually meant for it to be a running thing that i'd pull out perodically but i hadn't really felt the need until recent events have brought the hater back out of me. so here it goes again....

A LIFETIME OF DEFEATS TOP 25 DOUCHEBAGS IN SPORTS

1. Jay Jacobs (for obvious reasons that i shouldn't need to explain)

2. Tony Kornheiser (for ruining every Monday Night Football game and for not ever knowing what the fuck he is talking about)

3. Chris Berman (still ruins everything he is a part of)

4. RedSox Nation (actually the entire Boston sports community is included in this)

5. T.O. (for regressing back into yourself when everyone knew you would)

6. Kirk Herbstreit (because he exists)

7. Manny Ramirez (for acting like a giant retard and for being a greedy dickwad)

8. Brett Favre (for all that bullshit he pulled this offseason, for having to hear about him all the time from Tony Kornheiser)

9. Keyshawn Johnson (asshole, ego maniac, bad interviewer)

10. Chad Johnson (for changing his name and for sucking it up this year)

11. A. Rod (for dating Madonna...dude, she's as old as my mom)

12. Lebron James (for saying he might go play in Europe, for the way he's handling the whole New York thing, for calling Barkley an idiot)

13. Jay Mariotti (whiner, blowhard, terrible writer, hated by his own town)

14. Colin Cowherd (blowhard, flip flops on everything, smug)

15. Al Davis (for not dying and freeing the Raiders from his grasp)

16. Tony Romo (for getting injured and ruining my fantasy team, for dating Jessica Simpson...who isn't even that hot, for being overrated)

17. Mike Lupica (blowhard, only talks about things in new york, self righteous)

18. Joe Morgan (because he thinks he knows everything)

19. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver (for ruining baseball for me)

20. Jimmy Sexton (for being a greedy cocksucker)

21. David Stern (still the smuggest asshole in sports)

22. Sportswriters who left Tebow off their Heisman Ballot (are you serious?)

23. Roger Goodell (for being a dictator and a moralist, for making teams go play in England)

24. Unfunny, Yet Popular, Blogger (you know who you are)

25. Charlie Weis (for still having a job while Tommy Tuberville doesn't)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

So Much For My Fantasy Football Team


last season the Thug Apologists were on there way to the Fantasy Football Championship game behind the unstoppable ground attack of Purple Jesus and Joseph Addai...this year we just finished up our 6-9 year with one final crushing defeat in the also-ran's playoff bracket.

where did it all go wrong?

oh yeah. let that be a lesson to you when drafting your fantasy teams in the future. never rely on an Oakland Raider...no matter how much you loved Bo Jackson as a kid or how awesome you thought DMac was in college. nothing good can come of it.

speaking of McFadden, i'm tempted to start FreeMcFadden.com in an effort to help the SEC's 3rd greatest running back of all time escape from his Silver & Black prison.

whatever, fantasy football is for nerds anyways....which i am sadly a charter member of the community. why'd i stop being in a band again?

i need distractions

forget about Auburn football in crisis. it's Animal vs. Buddy Rich in the greatest drum duel of all time.


not good enough? how bout a picture of Kitty Lea in thigh high socks?

it's getting better.

but i still can't feel good about this....

not yet anyways. we'll see how the recruiting class goes, for now i'll put my torch and pitchfork away and distract myself with other things....

it's almost here. get your nerd on.

Monday, December 15, 2008

My All-Auburn Team

this is a repost of something i wrote this summer around my birthday, but i felt like i needed to post it again just to make myself feel better.

in the 30 years i have been alive one of the few constants has been my love of the Auburn Tigers Football team. as we are seemingly about to embark on a very long and very dark path i thought i'd celebrate those great players who have worn the Navy & Orange during my time here on this Earth.

Auburn Tigers Dream Team (1978-2008)

OFFENSE

QB- Stan White
RB- Bo Jackson, Carnell Williams
FB- Tommie Agee
WR- Frank Sanders
WR- Karsten Bailey
WR- Courtney Taylor
TE- Walter Reeves
OT- Marcus McNeil
OT- Stacy Searels
OG- Ed King
OG- Kendall Simmons
C- Ben Tamburello

reserves
QB- Dameyune Craig
RB- Brent Fullwood
RB- Ronnie Brown
WR- Tim Carter
WR- Ben Obomanu
WR- Lawyer Tillman
TE- Cooper Wallace
OT- Wayne Gandy
OG- Ben Grubbs

DEFENSE

DE- Quentin Groves
DE- Stanley McClover
DT- Tracy Rocker
DT- David Rocker
LB- Karlos Dansby
LB- Takeo Spikes
LB- Aundray Bruce
CB- Carlos Rogers
CB- David Irons
S- Chris Shelling
S- Junior Rosegreen

reserves
DE- Reggie Torbor
DT- Donnie Humphrey
LB- Kurt Crain
LB- Marcus Washington
CB- Rod Hood
S/LB- Will Herring

SPECIAL TEAMS
K- Damon Duval
P- Terry Daniel
KR- Devin Aromashoduike

Well that didn't take long


say goodbye to the best QB prospect Auburn has had since Jason Campbell. 4 star recruit, Raymond Cotton, decommited today. which leaves Auburn with the same terrible options at QB next year and into the future that we had this season. i really hope Barrett Trotter is good at football because we are pretty much fucked for the next few years at that position if he isn't. Cotton decided to decommit when James Willis was fired, likely he'll end up at Ole' Miss with our other top recruit Rodney Scott who decommited as well and chose the Rebels. last year Enrique Davis said, "no thanks" to Auburn when they decided to switch to the spread offense and joined Ole Miss...this all seems kinda fitting since Mississippi is the team most likely to benefit from Auburn's descent into college football hell as the 3rd best team in the West and a challenger to Alabama and LSU.

so far Philip Lutzenkirchen, the four star tight end from Georgia, hasn't made clear what his plans are but it seems doubtful that the Tigers will keep him either...especially when Chizik says he wants to get back to being a power running team. look i believe in running the football as much as the next Auburn fan, but it takes a QB and a passing game to win championships in college football these days. Alabama may have won the West with their running game and O-line this season but you can't tell me Nick Saban didn't wish he had an ace signal caller...because once they faced a team they couldn't just overpower and had to match score for score with it was their QB that cost them.

more recruits will likely jump ship before all is said and done and could you really blame them?


i said it once and i'll say it again, this is going to be a very very long offseason.

go Falcons! give me some hope.

ALL-SEC TEAM

A Lifetime Of Defeats 2008 ALL-SEC Team

QB - Tim Tebow, Florida
RB - Knowshon Moreno, UGA
RB - Glen Coffee, Alabama
WR - AJ Green, UGA
WR - Percy Harvin, Florida
TE - Jared Cook, South Carolina
C - Antoine Caldwell, Alabama
OL - Andre Smith, Alabama
OL - Michael Oher, Ole Miss
OL - Anthony Parker, Tennessee
OL - Herman Johnson, LSU

DE - Robert Ayers, Tennessee
DE - Antonio Coleman, Auburn
DT - Terrence Cody, Alabama
DT - Peria Jerry, Ole Miss
LB - Rolando McClain, Alabama
LB - Brandon Spikes, Florida
LB - Rennie Curran, UGA
CB - DJ Moore, Vanderbilt
CB - Trevard Lindley, Kentucky
S - Eric Berry, Tennessee
S - Rashad Johnson, Alabama

K - Colt David, LSU
P - Clinton Durst, Auburn
KR/PR - Brandon James, Florida

Offensive Player Of the Year- Tim Tebow (total no-brainer)

Defensive Player of the Year- DJ Moore (barely beating out Terrence Cody)

Coach Of the Year- Houston Nutt (because Vandy lost 5 of their last 6 games and because i refuse to give it to Saban).

notice the limited number of Auburn names on that list and it's no wonder we had such a bad year. still Coleman was a beast and we owe Durst BOTH of our SEC wins this season. there was one point in the season, before the wheels completely fell off, that i was thinking about making a "Durst For Heisman" or "PUNT 4 VICTORY" t-shirt...but then, you know...everything got really ugly very quickly.

Soooooooooo, How Was Your Weekend?

hmmmmmm, let's see. my weekend went something like this.....

which then filled me with confusion, dread, sorrow, sadness, and anger.....FURIOUS NEVER ENDING, ANGERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and it's not like i'm alone in my current emo-ness. you'd be hard pressed to find anyone saying anything very positive about this hire. that is unless you find the words of the Herbiebot 5000 to be comforting.






but if you find the thoughts of a guy who once finished next to last nationally picking games straight up among EVERYONE who picks college football games straight up (he did beat out Clucko The Chicken who makes picks based on selecting between 2 feed bowls that represent the two teams playing in a given game. so he's got that going for him.) and who says such insightful drivel as, "I've watched Florida every week. Congratulations, 12-1... that's amazing. But am I going to penalize Michigan because the Big Ten is awful this year? Absolutely not." or likes to pick teams based on "having the mental edge" or being motivated by "bulletin board material" or having "intensity" and all sorts of other bullshit that has nothing to do with x's & o's to be comforting then there probably isn't much hope for you anyways.

but hey, this is the bitter pill that we've been handed by Jay Jacobs. so i guess it's either swallow the damn thing and move on or just be miserable from 3 years and wave our pitchforks and torches pointlessly. it's probably a good thing that the press conference is going to be closed to the public today because Jacobs might have to deal with something like this....


On a more positive note, MY Atlanta Falcons knocked off the hated Tampa Buccaneers in overtime yesterday to claim their 9TH!!! win of the season. they are currently tied with Tampa and Dallas record-wise for one of the final two playoff spots but both the Cowboys and Bucs hold tie-breaker edges over the Dirty Birds.

the Bucs close out their season with the Raiders and Chargers, so you've go to imagine they are getting in. Dallas on the other hand has to play The Eagles and Ravens in their final two games, so it would seem more likely that the Falcons (whose final 2 are against the Vikings and Rams) best shot is to snag the spot the Cowboys are currently holding.

regardless of what actually happens you've got to be excited about this season if you are an Atlanta fan. we've got the Rookie of the Year in QB Matt Ryan, an MVP candidate in Michael Turner, a Defensive Player of the Year contender in John Abraham, and the guy who HAS to win Coach of the Year in Mike Smith...who wins the badass of the weekend award by getting into Antonio Bryant's face and talking some shit to him yesterday. the Falcons players were giving him high-fives and jumping up and down and basically getting pumped up over their coach having their back. this guy is the real deal.

i have never been so happy to be so fucking wrong about a coach and a rookie QB. i just hope i end up being equally as wrong about Coach Chizik.

on a totally random note, i nominate this guy for coolest human on the face of the earth. free dental care for touring punk bands?!?!?! where the fuck was this guy when i was still in a band?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

through bloodshot eyes...

i was hoping that i might have died in my sleep last night...no such luck. Morrissey knows how i feel.

The Smiths- That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore


i'm hungover and depressed. someone make me a bloody mary and then blow my head off with a shotgun.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

A Fatwa On The Heads Of Jacobs and Lowder

an artist's depiction of the mindset of an Auburn blogger before he blew himself to pieces in an act of protest.

really i blame this all on my father. he's the one who made me an Auburn fan as a young boy growing up in Fort Payne, Alabama. i could've easily been a Crimson Tide fan like everyone else. but no, the old man had to make me a Tiger. always the underdog. or maybe when we moved to Georgia i could've become a Georgia Bulldogs fan...but nope, once a Tiger then you are a Tiger for life. 30 years of rooting for Auburn has done one thing to me though, it's made me get used to disappointments. even as high as the highs ever get, the lows always seem to be so much lower.

i miss Bo Jackson. i miss Pat Dye. i miss Stan White. i miss Nix to Sanders. i miss Rudi. i miss Cadillac and Ronnie Brown. i miss Al Borges. i miss Tuberville. oh god, i'm already turning into one of those assholes who only can get enjoyment out his favorite teams bygone glories. someone shoot me in the face now before i got out and buy a Pat Sullivan throwback jersey.

hey, what do Nebraska, Notre Dame, Syracuse, Washington, Colorado, and Auburn all have in common? they used to be football power houses that are now irrelevant on a national scale thanks to bad hires and poor performance on the field. congratulations Jay Jacobs. Auburn is now officially the 5th best team in the SEC West.

i am going to get so fucking drunk tonight that hopefully i'll have killed so many braincells that i'll forget how much i care about Auburn football. when i wake up and i'll be able to move on with my life without ever worrying about silly shit like national titles and respect and winning football games.

woe to those who are at ease on the Plains, mediocrity reigns supreme.

The Final Nail In The Coffin Of The Season Of Death


who knew that the joking nickname for the 2008 Auburn football season, The Season of Death, would end up being so fitting. because it's official, Auburn football is dead....for the foreseeable future anyways.

2008 was the end of the Tuberville era and also more than likely the end of Auburn being an SEC challenger of any kind. whoever was going to get hired had a rebuilding project to undertake, why Jay Jacobs decided it was a good idea to pick a guy who lost 10 games in a row in the Big 12 was the best person to undertake that challenge while also having to compete with Nick Saban for players is anyone's guess. my buest guess would be that Jacobs is a demon sent from 7th layer of Hell whose goal is to cause Auburn football fans to commit mass suicide. either that or he's just a fucking idiot.

they said, "no thanks" to Mike Leach and were afraid to take Tuner Gill. if you don't think that it was about race then you are being naive. hell at this point Houston Nutt and Spurrier don't sound that bad. and even though it would make me feel dirty i'd rather have Bobby Fucking Petrino.

5-19. wrap your fucking brain around that shit. WE ARE NEVER WINNING AN SEC TITLE ANYTIME IN THE NEXT 10 YEARS. Mississippi State made a better fucking hire than us. my 30s are gonna be awesome!!!!!

spin it anyway you want, but Auburn is a fucking joke right now. and i'm not laughing.

for everyone who wanted Tuberville gone, i hope you're fucking happy.

for everyone who thought Mike Leach would get "eaten alive" in the SEC...well you're just a stupid redneck anyways.

whatever, this just became an Atlanta Falcons blog.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

so much for hope and change. this is some motherfucking bullshit. fuck you Jay Jacobs in your fat fucking face you cocksucking douchetard asshat motherfucking idiot! i am getting fucking drunk tonight.

that's it. i quit.

Friday, December 12, 2008

where can i get one of these?

Auburn Dynasty Mode, SEC Title Game

oh what might have been if reality and fantasy weren't mutually exclusive...or if Auburn had an offense like Oklahoma does. reality is for suckers and i've got no time for it right now. it's too depressing.

and so the fantastical world of NCAA 2009 carries on even if the season is already over for my real Auburn Tigers. these video game versions are undefeated with an explosive offense, an unstoppable defense, a Heisman candidate at QB, and a number 2 ranking in the polls. they rolled through the regular season destroying most of their competition and now face off against the top ranked Florida Gators in an SEC title game for the video game ages.

the first order of business for my virtual Tigers will be trying to shutdown Tim Tebow & Percy Harvin who are the two best players on NCAA09 with 99 player ratings each. Harvin is faster than any of my defensive backs and he can score anytime he touches the ball. Tebow is faster on the game than he is in real life and can turn any run into a 20 yard gain if my linebackers aren't ready for it. trying to stop these two is going to be the hardest test my top rated defense has faced all season.


from the get go this game was close. i traded touchdowns back and forth throughout the first half. Kodi Burns opened the game with a 70 yard strike to Mario Fannin. but Florida matched that score with a kick return touchdown from Jeff Demps. i got the running game going on my next drive and Kodi Burns and Ben Tate each rushed for 30+ runs before Tate took it in for a score bringing the lead to 14-7. Florida again countered with a touchdown pass from Tebow to Harvin(surprise) and then we traded another touchdown and field goal bringing the score to a 24-24 tie at the end of the first half. it looked like this might be the hardest challenge i'd faced and my chances at a national title could be in jeopardy....but then the 2nd half started and the Auburn defense showed the Gators no mercy.

it was sack city all second half long as Antonio Coleman single handily crushed Florida's chances with 5 tackles for loss and 3 second half sacks, with the 3rd one knocking Tebow out of the game with a concussion. after that the Gators were forced to bring in backup QB John Brantley and without the threat of a running QB it was pretty much over.


Auburn rolled in the second half and crushed the Gators 52-24 and claiming the SEC title as well as a spot in the BCS title game.

final offensive stats for the game:
Kodi Burns passed for 402 yards and 3 touchdowns and rushed for 57 yards and 1 td.
Ben Tate rushed for 149 yards and 2 tds.
Mario Fannin had 162 yards receiving and 2 touchdowns as well as 62 yards rushing a 1 td.
Rod Smith hauled in 109 yards receiving a 1 td.
Tommy Trott had 4 receptions for 71 yards.

Award winners for my 2008 Auburn Tigers.

Kodi Burns stats for the season were 3257 yards passing with 33 tds and 15 ints. his completion percentage was 60%. he lead the team with 1017 yards rushing at 8.8 per attempt and scored an SEC best 16 times on the ground. he was named 1st team SEC and 2nd team All American. he finished 3rd in the Heisman race behind Graham Harrell who lead the nation with 61 touchdowns and Jeremy Maclin who had over 2,000 all purpose yards and 30 touchdowns.

Antonio Coleman was the winner of the Lombardi trophy and broke the NCAA record with 28 sacks for the year. he was 1st team ALL SEC and ALL American.

Wes Byrum was the Groza winner and 1st team SEC and All American.

Robert Dunn was voted returner of the year with 4 punt return tds. he was also 2nd team All American.

John Bosley was the Rimmington winner and an All American.

other All SEC players were Lee Ziemba, Ryan Pugh, Mario Fannin and Tommy Trott for the offense and Sen'Derrick Marks, Zac Etheridge, and Chris Evans for the defense.

up next: The BCS title game vs. USC

who says the spread offense can't work in the SEC.

with results like these, Auburn might wanna go ahead and add me to the list if people they are interviewing.

Losing Touch With My Mind

taking my cues from Vice Magazine's famous Do's & Don'ts section i give you my thoughts on The Auburn Coaching Search of Doom.



whatever. i've got important shit to do today, like beating Florida in the SEC title game in my NCAA09 dynasty mode.

*update* at this point i'd be super stoked if Jim Grobe was our coach. fuck!!!!

Auburn's Coaching Search Is Making My Brain Cry.

The Auburn coaching search is kinda like El Topo except more confusing and minus the boobs.


so apparently the Muschamp and Spurrier stories were bogus and now Gary Patterson of TCU is the frontrunner. also Jim Grobe is apparently on the radar too.... maybe comparing the Auburn coaching search to a violent existential western is giving it too much credit...this is reminding me more of a Greek tragedy or possibly a really bad episode of CSI.

so let's see, we've interviewed Turner Gill, Pat Nix, Rodney Garner, Brade Hoke (apparently), possibly Todd Graham, and now Gary Patterson....yet we've said "no thanks" to Mike Leach and haven't even bothered to enquire about Butch Davis or Brian Kelly?!?! and then there's the Spurrier, Muschamp, Fisher, Nutt, Petrino, etc...rumors that have been flying all over the place. whatever, i'm just gonna start ignore this shit until someone is the coach and then i will scream for blood or praise Allah.

BOOM Motherfucker!!!?!?!??!?!?!


"This is a song Charles Manson stole from the Beatles, We're Stealing it back!"

oh shit, we are Moose hunting today kids. ESPN just reported (on Sportscenter, so you know it's totally true and not just your typical coaching rumor that's only getting reported on Sportscenter because your average sports fan in the the Northeastern United States has actually heard his name) that Will Muschamp is gonna be named the winner of Auburn's "Who Wants To Be A Football Coach In The SEC With An Insane Fanbase and the 6th Best Recruiting Base?"

it's the same report that some Fox station in Alabama reported yesterday. i'll believe it when i see the actual press conference.

til then the Clash have a song for you, Will.


*update: Muschamp denied the rumor on a radiostation this morning.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Hey, Maybe Auburn Should Interview Daft Punk for the job


those French disco robots would inspire just about as much excitement in me as the possibility of Todd Graham or Brady Hoke becoming Auburn's next coach. and Gary Patterson is just Tommy Tuberville at a smaller school, a defensive coach who likes to run the ball...shouldn't we be looking for a more offense oriented guy?

Me and Barkley both want Turner Gill.

hey look random footage of Barkley playing at Auburn vs. Kentucky in 1984.

i heart youtube and it's simple pleasures.

this made me laugh so hard i almost pissed myself

via Everyday Should Be Saturday....

amazing. this one is for Kenny.

Best Albums Of 2008 (wait i thought this was a sports blog?)

still no news about who is gonna be the next Auburn football coach, and other than that i could honestly give a shit about what else is going on in college football...

so instead here's my Best Albums of 2008

1. Vampire Weekend- vampire weekend
when it came out, i wanted to hate them...every time something new came out i wanted that record to take it's place...much like the Strokes before them, it's hard to deny Vampire Weekend and their self titled debut album. if there was a more enjoyable pop record in the year 2008 (hell the last 3 years) then i don't know what it was. surrender to the afrobeat/indiepop/masterpiece and just move on.
the video for "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa"


2. No Age- nouns
No Age lands my second spot for putting out an album that reminded me of why i loved Sebadoh and Husker Du so damn much, this band really should have been around in the early 90s (too bad noone in Athens seems to give a shit about them). this is music for music nerds.

3. M83- saturdays=youth
like if My Bloody Valentine had been a synth-pop band from the 80s. M83 were the perfect soundtrack to my fall pity party. lush and dreamy, it reminded me why i love shoegazer bands so damn much. you can pretty much bet the house that the next Sofia Coppola movie will have a couple of tracks from this album on it's soundtrack. plus is there anyone out there with better videos? Kim & Jessie have an answer for you...


4. Deerhunter- microcastle
i've definently accused this Atlanta band of being overrated/pretentious/bullshit after seeing them live a couple of times, but then they dropped Microcastle on my ass which is a surprisingly catchy indiepop record with just the right amount of weirdness to remind me of mid-90s Sonic Youth.

5. Jay Reatard- matador singles 08
my favorite pop punk songwriter discoverd his inner indie popster and put out an assortment of Clean/Tall Dwarfs inspired gems and Matador collected them all for us to enjoy without hunting down all those damn singles.

6. MGMT- oracular spectacular
the perfect weirdo pop combination of the Flaming Lips and the Unicorns...but with a huge Prince influence (or maybe that's just what i hear in them). MGMT released 3 of the best singles of the whole year (Kids, Time To Pretend, Electric Feel) and the rest of the record is pretty solid too.

7. Spiritualized- songs in a&e
after several so/so records, J.Spaceman finally put out an album that is the equal of Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating Through Space. it only took him a decade.

8. The Kills- midnight boom
the Kills finally put out an album that's as cool and sexy as their image. all the reference points are still the same (suicide, jesus & mary chain, pj harvey, etc...) but finally they learned how to take those influences an write some songs to go with the sound.

9. Fucked Up- the chemistry of common life
i may be 30 years old, but i still love a good fucking heavy rock record as much now as i did when i was 17. Fucked Up delivered the best hardcore/post-hardcore/whatever the hell you wanna call it...album in a good long time. the spirit of Black Flag lives on...and it's Canadian....who knew?

10. The Walkmen- you & me
more of the same from one of my favorite bands of the decade. lots of songs about heart break and regret...which is always good for me cuz i got both of those in spades. not nearly as classic as Bows & Arrows or their debut, but a solid album none the less. here's the video for my favorite track, "in the new year"



11. TV On the Radio- dear science
maybe i'm just starting to get bored with TV On The Radio, but this is by far my least favorite release they've put out yet...still it's better than 90% of what other people are putting out, and the song The Golden Age was one of the best singles/videos of the year.

12. Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds- dig!!! lazarus dig!!!
so it's pretty obvious that last year's Grinderman project infused a desire to rock and roll in Alternative's elder statesmen. Lazarus is a sex,drugs/rock n roll boogie fest from a band that's been pretty somber this past decade or so. i'm digging it. Nick Cave still has it. here's a video of the song "Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!!"


13. Albert Hammond jr- como te lama?
not nearly as good as his first solo record, but still better than that 3rd Strokes album. a good indie pop record.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Top 10 Bowl Matchups


1. BCS National Championship
Florida vs. Oklahoma

the easiest one to pick. a good matchup of explosive offenses and the "hottest" teams in the country. Texas got screwed, Auburn fans feel their pain.

2. Fiesta Bowl
Texas vs. Ohio State

there's honestly nothing more enjoyable than watching the Buckeyes get hammered in a BCS game. Texas will be looking for blood and Terrell Pryor will be their virgin sacrifice. this is also probably an early preview of next year's national title matchup...assuming the Buckeyes knock off USC next season in Columbus.

3. The Rose Bowl
USC vs. Penn State

the annual destruction of an overmatched Big 10 team at the hands of USC and then you get to hear Corso and Herbstreit tell us all how USC could beat anyone in the country and are playing the best football and blah blah blah...etc. X infinity. this could be Joe Pa's last game as well, but don't bet on that.

4. Poinsettia Bowl
Boise State vs. TCU

a battle of two of the best non-BCS conference schools in the country in the best non-BCS bowl. offense vs. defense. should be a great game. the winner of this game also gets the early start to be next season's BCS buster.

5. The Cotton Bowl
Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech

Nutt vs. Leach in the battle for who is craziest in all the land. Texas Tech should shred the Rebels but if there is one thing Nutt loves to do is beat a highly favored team and win gamblers in Vegas some cash.

6. Meineke Car Care Bowl
West Virginia vs. North Carolina

a matchup of 2 teams that i thought would be playing in January bowls at the end of the year. it's our last chance to witness the brilliant college career of my favorite non-Auburn player this decade, Pat White.

7. Holiday Bowl
Oklahoma State vs. Oregon

always entertaining. every year this game is a shootout, this should be no different. two high powered offenses vs. two suspect defenses....i'm guessing 65-60.

8. The Sugar Bowl
Alabama vs. Utah

i'll only watch it because it's the Sugar Bowl, hopefully the Utes put up more of a fight than Hawaii did against UGA last year. some experts are picking Utah in the upset...and those experts would be the retards known as Corso and Herbiebot.

9. Capital One Bowl
Georgia vs. Michigan State

a chance for Dawgs fans to say goodbye to Stafford and Moreno and a chance for an Auburn fan like me to say good riddance so that they can't beat us anymore.

10. Chick-fil-A Bowl
Georgia Tech vs. LSU

why can't they still call this game the Peach Bowl? seriously. anyways this will be a fun game if you hate LSU and love watching teams rush for 500 yards in one game. i imagine the Jackets rolling the Tigers and getting several pick sixes for good measure.

Patrick Nix....dear god, how has it come to this?

so Auburn interviewed Patrick Nix for the open headcoaching position, but they won't even give Mike Leach a phone call? WTF? is it crazy to think that Jay Jacobs is secretly a Bama fan on a secret mission to destroy the Auburn football program from the inside?

Pat Nix for these moments we will always love you...



but as a coach?...no thanks. this would basically be the Auburn equivalent of hiring Mike Shula.

so far it's the Tuner Gill show on all the blogs. a few of my fellow Auburn bloggers out there have some cautious opinions about the guy, but for the most part i think people seem excited. Jimbo Fisher seems to be the number 2 choice, why? i'm not entirely sure. regardless here is my top 10 candidates in the order that i'd be okay with Auburn hiring them. (i've gone ahead and eliminated Butch Davis from the running because Auburn doesn't seem interested in even trying to lure the guy away from North Carolina with a mountain of cash).

1. Brian Kelly of Cincinnati
2. Will Muschamp of Texas
3. Turner Gill of Buffalo
4. Mike Leach of Texas Tech
5. Jimbo Fisher of FSU
6. Paul Johnson of Georgia Tech
7. Derek Dooley of Louisiana Tech
8. Hal9000 of the spaceship Discovery
9. a magical wolf with the power to speak
10. Gary Patterson of TCU

Monday, December 8, 2008

The Greatest Helmet In the History Of Football


The Houston Gamblers of the old USFL. best fucking helmet ever. how rad does that look?!?!, it's got a big G with the state of Texas inside it. all black uniforms. the USFL knew how to get it done. plus Jim Kelly was their Quarterback. i wonder where i can find USFL throwback jerseys? Georgia fans would totally go crazy for some old Hershel Walker's New York/New Jersey Generals shit.

Atlanta Is So Good That I Actually Expect Them To Win....Weird


i've been so caught up in the Auburn coachapalooza that i forgot to mention the fact that i can't believe the Falcons let that game against the Saints get away from them. when Atlanta is 10-6 and sitting at home while Dallas snags that last playoff spot we can look back at Mike Smith's decision to punt the ball on 4th and 5 with about 3 minutes left in the game, instead of going for it against the lousy Saints defense, as the point where Atlanta blew their shot. still if Atlanta really is 10-6 then i'll have nothing to complain about and i'll be eagerly awaiting the 2009 season with this weird thing called optimism. it just sucks because 3 of Atlanta's losses this season (Denver, New Orleans, & Philadelphia) are games that they could have won. regardless this has been an amazing season and Matt Ryan has made me eat the biggest shit sandwich of my life and i've enjoyed every bite.

Drew Brees just made Atlanta's secondary look ridiculous. i hope Atlanta is spending every single bit of free agency money and their draft picks on that defense (with maybe the exception of the best offensive tackle available in the 1st round).

ok. back to WHO WANTS TO BE AN AUBURN FOOTBALL COACH?


in some other random college football news, Colt McCoy has decided to wait another year before he becomes a 2nd or 3rd round draft pick that never starts a single game in the NFL and eventually becomes a QB coach for the Longhorns in about 6 years or so. good for him.

Change

more Turner Gill love from Auburn fans...

i think lost in the "Oh god, we need a new coach who can compete with Saban" panic is the fact that if Turner Gill really does become Auburn's next football coach it would have some underlying social relevance that out ways even the fact that the guy is a pretty great coach. he'd be the first black head football coach of a major university in the state of Alabama.

just think about that. it kind of blows your mind if you consider how racially charged that state has historically been. granted Croom getting hired at Mississippi State is just as relevant, but there's something that always stands out in my mind about Alabama's roll in the civil rights movement that far exceeds Mississippi's.

i'm no bleeding heart liberal (although i am a Democrat), but i have lived the majority of my life in the South and have spent a lot of time in the state of my birth and i don't think i EVER believed that either Auburn or Alabama would ever have a black head coach. honestly i thought there was a better chance of a black man becoming president...oh wait, that DID happen.

anyways, i wasn't trying to get all political or socially conscious or anything. i was just thinking it might be pretty fucking cool if Auburn embraced a little Change.

FOX is keeping the NFL sexy.

file this under: for the ladies (or gay dudes, or fans of the penis)

i was pretty sure i saw this on yesterday's post-game broadcast of the Vikings game on FOX...but i thought to myself, "no way did they just show that guy's dick". but yep, they most definitely did just show that dude's dick.

live television rules.

College Football Pick Em: BOWL-O-RAMA

Saturday December 20
1: Wake Forest vs Navy- WAKE
2:Colorado State vs Fresno State- Fresno
3:Memphis vs South Florida- USF
4:BYU vs Arizona- BYU
Sunday December 21
5:Southern Mississippi vs Troy- Troy
Tuesday December 23
6:Boise State vs TCU- Boise
Wednesday December 24
7:Hawaii vs Notre Dame- Hawaii
Friday December 26
8:Florida Atlantic vs Central Michigan- C. Michigan
Saturday December 27
9:Miami (Fl.) vs California- Cal
10:Wisconsin vs FSU- FSU
11:West Virginia vs North Carolina- WV
Sunday December 28
12:Northern Illinois vs Louisiana tech- La tech
Monday December 29
13: Missouri vs Northwestern- Mizzou
14:North Carolina State vs Rutgers- Rutgers
Tuesday December 30
15:Oklahoma State vs Oregon- Ok St
16:Rice vs Western Michigan- Rice
17: Maryland vs Nevada- Maryland
Wednesday December 31
18:LSU vs Georgia Tech- GA Tech
19:Kansas vs Minnesota- Kansas
20: Boston College vs Vanderbilt- BC
21:Oregon State vs Pittsburgh- Org St
22: Houston vs Air Force- Air force
Thursday January 1
23: Cincinnati vs Virginia Tech- Cinci
24:Penn State vs USC- USC
25:Georgia vs Michigan State- UGA
26:Clemson vs Nebraska- Nebraska
27:South Carolina vs Iowa- Iowa
Friday January 2
28: Utah vs Alabama- BAMA
29:Kentucky vs East Carolina- ECU
30: Ole Miss vs Texas Tech- Texas Tech
Saturday January 3
31:Buffalo vs. Connecticut- UCONN
Monday January 5
32: Ohio State vs Texas- Texas
Tuesday January 6
33: Tulsa vs Ball State- Ball State
Thursday January 8 (total pts)
34: Florida vs Oklahoma- FLORIDA
Tiebreakers:
a: Florida vs Oklahoma 101
b:Alabama vs Utah 35
c:Ohio State vs Texas 82
d: Penn State vs USC 76
e:Va Tech vs Cincy 45

Turner Gill Love-A-Thon is getting off the ground


so what do you get for beating an undefeated Ball State team and winning the MAC championship game, as well as turning around the worst D-I program of the decade in 3 short years? you get to be the hottest coaching name in the non-BCS world and the apple of Auburn's eye. Auburn's talking to Turner Gill. it's not exactly Butch Davis, but it beats the hell out of Houston Nutt any day of the week. honestly at this point i'm gonna go ahead and rank Turner Gill right behind Butch Davis and Brian Kelly on my Auburn wishlist. he's young, he's turned around a terrible team in a hurry, and it looks like the sky is the limit for the guy. plus he's one of my favorite football players of the 1980s...and you know how much football fans love their nostalgia. Auburn is also apparently going to talk to Ball State's coach, Brady Hoke (according to ESPN...and they're never wrong about anything). Paul Johnson also appears to still be in the picture.

there are even Youtube videos popping up to welcome the would-be Auburn coach.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Pat White, we will always love you


ah Pat White. how many Thursday nights have i given you? fringe college football players are like the hidden gem indie rock albums of the college football world (if college football was the music industry). i remember the first time i saw you play in a late season game your freshman year against Louisville that you helped lead the Mountaineers to a 46-44 overtime win. but your real coming out party was the Sugar Bowl when you smoked the Georgia Bulldogs (and that always warms my heart). you were one bad game away from a national title, but you still crushed Oklahoma. it seems like a crme that you've never gotten a Heisman invite, but unfortunately you played in the Tebow era.

for ruining your senior season and wasting one of the greatest running qbs of all time is reason enough to fire Bill Stewart's ass.

thank you Pat White for always being so fucking awesome.

he might never throw for 4000 yards...but he could always do this.

The Last Regular Season Poll

first things, first. AUBURN 2004...STILL THE ONLY UNDEFEATED SEC TEAM OF THE DECADE!

A Lifetime Of Defeats Top 25, Week 15

1. Florida
2. Texas
3. Oklahoma
4. Alabama
5. USC
6. Texas Tech
7. Penn State
8. Utah
9. Boise State
10. Ohio State
11. TCU
12. Oklahoma State
13. Cincinnati
14. Georgia Tech
15. Georgia
16. Oregon
17. Ball State
18. Ole Miss
19. Virginia Tech
20. Northwestern
21. Michigan State
22. BYU
23. Pittsburgh
24. East Carolina
25. Buffalo

-it's a Gator vs. Sooner national title...but i still think it should be Texas. regardless it sucks that we can't get a Texas vs. Bama Sugar Bowl to be our national title B-game.
-USC can't believe that noone notices them...ESPN will still tell you they are the best team in the country at the end of the year after they clock Penn State in the Rose Bowl.
-give some love to Turner Gill. Buffalo won the MAC...now he can come be Auburn's next coach.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Best Players Of the Tuberville Era


THE ALL-Tuberville Era Team.

QB Jason Campbell
RB Carnell Williams
RB Ronnie Brown
FB Carl Stewart
WR Ben Obamanu
WR Courtney Taylor
WR Tim Carter
TE Cooper Wallace
OL Marcus McNeil
OL Tim Duckworth
OL Ben Grubbs
OL Kendall Simmons
C Mike Pucillo

DE Quentin Groves
DE Stanley McClover
DT Demarco McNeil
DT Sen'Derrick Marks
LB Dontarrious Thomas
LB Marcus Washington
LB Karlos Dansby
CB David Irons
CB Carlos Rogers
FS Will Herring
SS Junior Rosegreen

K Damon Duval
P Kody Bliss
KR Tristan Davis
PR Roderick Hood

Friday, December 5, 2008

Auburn Dynasty Mode, Iron Bowl REVENGE!!!


as the Auburn Football nation crumbles around behind me i find that i must retreat again into the fantasy world of my NCAA Football 2009 Dynasty season. Auburn is 11-0, ranked #3 in the nation, has a Heisman candidate in QB Kodi Burns, is #1 in the nation in both offense and defense, and is 1 game away from facing off against the an undefeated Florida Gators team for a shot at #1 ranked USC in the BCS title....but first it's a battle for the SEC West title as Auburn must travel to 10-1 and #7 ranked Alabama.

if only reality were this fucking awesome.

Auburn ROLLS the Crimson Tide 42-0 in the biggest beatdown i've given a ranked team all season. Auburn racked up over 400 yards on the ground and 200 through the air...but this game belonged to my top ranked defense. John Parker Wilson was sacked 9 times and intercepted 3 times. All-American and Defensive Player of the year candidate Antonio Coleman sacked Wilson 4 times himself, 1 of those causing a fumble the was then returned for a touchdown. Sen'Derrick Marks added 2 sacks of his own and a blocked punt.

sometimes destroying another team through a video game makes you feel a little bit better for about 10 minutes...but not really.

Heisman hopeful Kodi Burns finished with 209 yards passing a 1 touchdown with another 103 yards rushing and a score. Auburn finishes the regular season undefeated and will be heading the SEC title game.

honestly i don't see how the Spread Eagle didn't work...

just kidding.

Hal9000 Is My Top Choice


A Lifetime of Defeats would like to officially throw it's support behind Hal9000 to become the next head football coach of Auburn University.

HAL is an artificial intelligence, the sentient on-board computer of the spaceship Discovery…he will be bringing his cold soulless logic to the illogical world of the SEC West where he looks forward to dueling it out with the Alabama’s Nick Saban (who is actually a robot from an alternate time line sent back in time to kill the Auburn football program). as a computer himself, Hal 9000 has a greater understanding of the complexities of the BCS system. he will also deal with ineffective assistant coaches by cutting off their oxygen supplies and jettisoning their lifeless bodies into the cold blackness of space.

A Pirate's Life For Me?


maybe i'm stupid. maybe i play too many video games. or maybe i just always loved watching Spurrier's old Florida teams hang 50 on everyone that wasn't Auburn, but i'm really starting to warm up to the idea of Mike Leach, head coach of the Auburn Tigers. if only because it would piss off all the stuck in the past redneck fans and would give me and my dad new things to get angry about. i still want Butch Davis more than anything...but the longer the Leach question lingers, the more and more i want the answer to be YES.

if anything we can change the Auburn Fight Song:

We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot.
Drink up me 'earties, Yo Ho!
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot.
Drink up me 'earties, Yo Ho!

Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A pirate's life for me.

We extort, we pilfer, we filch and sack.
Drink up me 'earties, Yo Ho!
Maraud and embezzle and even hijack.
Drink up me 'earties, Yo Ho!

Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A pirate's life for me.
Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A pirate's life for me.

We kindle and char, inflame and ignite.
Drink up me 'earties, Yo Ho!
We burn up the city, we're really a fright.
Drink up me 'earties, Yo Ho!

Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A pirate's life for me.

We're rascals, scoundrels, villans and knaves.
Drink up me 'earties, Yo Ho!
We're devils and black sheep, really bad eggs!
Drink up me 'earties, Yo Ho!

Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A pirate's life for me.

We're beggars and blighters and ne'er-do-well cads.
Drink up me 'earties, Yo Ho!
Aye! But we're loved by our mommies and dads!
Drink up me 'earties, Yo Ho!

Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A pirate's life for me.
Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A pirate's life for me.
Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A pirate's life for me.
Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A pirate's life for me.


also if Auburn hires Houston Nutt i may very well laugh myself to death. i love Nutt for what he is, a crazy ass loon who can pull an upset out of his ass...but if he becomes Auburn's head coach then i have zero faith they will be winning any SEC titles anytime soon. plus didn't we already steal Ole Miss's coach once before? NO NO NO NO NO! i do not wish to be Nutted upon every Saturday, thank you very much.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Auburn, just as crazy as everyone else in the SEC

i don't really know how the Geto Boy's classic "My Mind Is Playing Tricks on Me" relates to Auburn firing Tuberville but i'm posting it anyways.

i just read that Tuberville really did resign and that university President Dr. Jay Gogue and Athletics Director Jay Jacobs asked him to stay but Tuberville felt it was best to step down because he felt like he didn't have the support of certain members of the board of trustees (wonder who he's talking about). he also said he was gonna stay in Auburn and do his best to help keep the recruiting class together until the next head coach comes along. if that really is true then Tubs is even more of a stand up guy than i'd imagined. regardless there have been several recruits who have already decommited to the Tigers.

fuck it...i'm not posting anything else about this today unless they hire a damn coach before i go to bed.

Who's Next?


so Tuberville's coaching corpse isn't even cold and Auburn is already searching for their next man. reports are already out that the Tigers have contacted both Mike Leach and scumbag/mercenary/offensive genius Bobby Petrino. Leach would be interesting. Petrino would make me burn all my Auburn gear and start rooting for Georgia Tech.

the early candidates:

Mike Leach- current head coach of Texas Tech.

pros- is an offensive genius who has turned a relatively mediocre football program into one of the more entertaining offensive juggernauts in college football. he lights up score boards and is a pretty interesting guy. he also may very well be bat shit crazy.

cons- The Red Raiders have never won the Big 12, they've never played in a BCS bowl and they regularly win 8 or 9 games in a normally weaker conference than the SEC. he'd be taking over an extremely conservative Auburn program that is used to playing good solid defense and running the football. the culture shock of seeing Auburn QBs flinging the rock 50 times a game might cause some of the fans' brains to implode.

what i think- honestly if Leach became the coach i'd be fine with it. he's not my top candidate and i don't think Auburn would become a national title winning power house, but jesus christ they'd be a hell of a lot more entertaining to watch on the field dropping 60 points on people even if they never did win an SEC title. but patience seems to be at an all time low on the Plains and i'd assume Leach would get about 5 years to be the coach and during his tenure Auburn might win 10 game once and regularly be in the 8 or 9 win category with no SEC titles to speak of and then they'd shuffle him out the door looking for the next big thing.

Bobby Petrino- current head coach of Arkansas, former head coach of Louisville and The Atlanta Falcons, once upon a time was Auburn's offensive coordinator.

pros- is an offensive mastermind who likes to run and throw the ball. can turn out NFL ready QBs and can score some fucking points. has won a Big East title and an Orange Bowl. is familiar with the SEC (duh).

cons- scumfuck douchebag mercenary motherfucking bastard. as an Auburn and an Atlanta Falcons fan it would make me both sad and an angry is Petrino became Auburn's next head coach, plus it would be like rubbing Tuberville's face in shit and the guy deserves better than this. plus Petrino would just ditch Auburn for the next better job that came along in a heartbeat.

Will Muschamp- defensive coordinator of Texas...formerly of Auburn.

pros- he's young and firey and dynamic and passionate and he has a connection to Auburn and the fans love him and he headbutts his players and he's fucking awesome.

cons- he may very well be insane. he's never been a head coach.

Jimbo Fisher- FSU's offensive coordinator

pros- uhhhh....he was successful at LSU and i guess he's got FSU going in the right direction, or at least that's what i've been told.

cons- this doesn't inspire or excite me at all.

some other names being thrown around are Gary Patterson of TCU (who is pretty much the same kind of coach as Tuberville), Derek Dooley of Louisiana Tech (and son of former Georgia coach and Auburn grad, Vince Dooley), whoever the fuck the coach of Tulsa is, Paul Johnson of Georgia Tech (so unlikely that it is laughable), and Florida's defensive coordinator Charlie Strong (would be Auburn's first ever black head coach if it happened).

the #1 guy on my Auburn wish list would be Butch Davis of North Carolina. he's a proven winner at Miami and he can turn a program around quickly as he's proven by what he's been able to do at North Carolina. plus he's as good a recruiter as Nick Saban and right now more than anything that's what Auburn needs. PAY HIM WHATEVER HE WANTS and make this happen Auburn.

some other guys that would make me happy if Auburn took the time and gave them a ring would be Brian Kelly of Cincinnati and Turner Gill of Buffalo.

regardless of who Auburn hires it needs to happen sooner rather than later, because whatever kind of recruiting class that can be salvaged after this season is gonna be weaker and weaker every day we go without a coach and with the talent that's returning next season, Auburn is gonna need all the help they can get to avoid having the type of season Michigan had this year.

Thank You Coach, For Everything...


wow. it really happened. i'm still in shock. i was talking on the phone with a friend about how awesome an 8 Team playoff for college football would actually be this season when the story scrawled across the bottom of the screen on ESPN. my jaw nearly fell off. from the point where Tubs fired Tony Franklin it seemed like his time was almost up, but i never actually believed he would be fired this year. the guy beat BAMA 6 times in a row...that at least buys you 1 do-over doesn't it? apparently it does not. i don't wanna ever hear any Auburn fan make fun of Alabama for having unrealistic expectations. we just fired a head coach who went 85-40 over 10 years, won an SEC title just 4 years ago, and made Auburn a consistent top 25 team during his tenure. it's amazing how 1 (REALLY FUCKING) bad season can just wash that all away.

but if i was being honest with you, i'll admit i've got some pretty mixed emotions about the whole thing. i mean, i will always appreciate what Tuberville did for Auburn. he got the program back on track after the Bowden debacle. he dominated Alabama for a decade. he produced some great Auburn players that went on to be stars in the NFL. he won an SEC championship and gave us a perfect season. he made Auburn one of the top football schools in the nation for the better part of this decade...

Ivan Maisel sums up the stupidity of Auburn's choice, for what it's worth. i can't say that i totally disagree with him. that being said, it's been 4 years since Auburn won the SEC title and the team has looked worse and worse every year since then. regardless of who Auburn's coach was gonna be next season, we were starting all over again. maybe another guy is better suited for that.

but then there is also the part of me that has never truly believed in Tuberville. not that i thought he wasn't a good coach, you'd have to be a fucking idiot to think that, but i always felt like he was just waiting around for a better gig to come his way. i always thought Tuberville would leave Auburn before the decade was done, but i'd always assumed it was because he was taking the Miami job once they get rid of Randy Shannon. but fired? i never imagined he'd actually get fired. Auburn isn't that fucking stupid....oh wait, nevermind...we totally are. i don't know, CHANGE is a big buzzword in America right now. or maybe change is exactly what Auburn needs. maybe we'll all be saying, "We've made a terrible mistake" in two years when Auburn has turned itself into the Nebraska of the SEC.

anyways, see you later Tubs. i hope that you take a year to hunt ducks and to work for ESPN and give us some wisecracks and good analysis and then jump back into coaching (somewhere not in the SEC would be great). good luck and thank you for everything.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008