Friday, September 28, 2007

Suicide Watch Week 5

ah, here it is friends. the first game of the season where i am 100% sure Auburn is going to be beaten within an inch of their lives by an SEC rival in a bloodlust revenge game. Tubby and crew head down to the Swamp to face Tebow The Destroyed and his 2Fast 2Furious receiving corp and midget runningbacks and whatnot.

if Auburn had any kind of offence to speak of, besides QB keeper to Kodi Burns or off tackle right by Ben Tate, then i could hope and pray for a good game...but alas, when it comes to the 2007 Auburn Tigers they really don't know their ass from a whole in the ground. it's possible that the 50+ point ass kicking they put on hapless New Mexico State could have maybe/possibly/hopefully awakened a sleeping and talented yet under performing giant...but i live in reality. this is gonna be at least a 3 touchdown loss. especially with a banged up defence. Tebow could rack up more yards on the ground than he does in the air. and Cox will likely be carted off the field on a stretcher because he's cowering in fear after the defence picks him off for the 5th time of the day. this is of course what i call a BEST CASE SCENARIO.

Florida has the kind of talent to drop 50 on the Tigers and don't think Urban Meyer wouldn't do it in a second to make up for the loan blemish on their championship season last year.

but there is that one small glimmer of hope that i keep in the back of my mind that reminds me that THIS IS THE SEC and ANYBODY CAN BEAT ANYBODY ON ANY RANDOM ASS SATURDAY. some people call this upset alert. i call it Southern Justice.

Potential for tragedy: 9 (i call this one a solid lock that i am gonna have a very very long Saturday. 18 Miller Lite's can't possibly wash away all the pain i will feel inside)

method of suicide: take some pills and drift slowly into oblivian as the Gators go up by 40. suicide is painless.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Fucking ESPN is SOOOOOO Gay part 10,867

"If a man loves God and God loves him hows he is gonna love him less for sharing a brother forty ounce?" - Leroy Pontrell Perkins

good question. an even better question is why the fuck did ESPN take up an entire hour of it's time yesterday to have a town hall meeting in Atlanta about Mike Vick and the divide among blacks and whites? i love how the issue of race was the only thing that was really focused on during the entire debate and basically it was just ESPN trying to stir up trouble and keep bringing up a story that actually has very little to do with race and everything to do with fame and a since of entitlement that pro-athletes and other celebrities have. i'm honestly sick of the issue. the majority of the audience members seemed to have this idea that the white media was not out to "get" Vick, when in actuality the media in general is just as happy to drag down a white celebrity as it is a black one. just ask Lohan and Britney. it's all about selling papers and getting ratings and getting people to watch your stupid town hall meetings instead of just letting a dumbass who got caught doing something illegal go to jail, do his time, and then maybe get a second chance at playing football...if someone feels like giving it to him. other than that, this is basically now a non-issue. get over it and move on to something else. hey ESPN, T.O. is behaving in Dallas, maybe you should go stir up some shit down there and leave Atlanta alone to die the slow death of a 2-14 season. fuckers.

I'M A MAN! I'M 40!

Mike Gundy is fucking crazy. that being said this is the best thing that's happened all season in college football. i respect Gundy sticking up for his player. but if this was Tommy Tubberville ripping a member of the media over something written about Brandon Cox sucking (to which there is plenty of) i'd be fucking embarrassed as an Auburn fan. also it totally took away from the fact that Oklahoma State actually won a game. this was a team that alot of people were talking about as a dark horse in the Big 12 and so far they've fallen flat on their face, including a loss to Troy (you can't lose games to goddamned Sun Belt teams and expect anyone to take your team seriously), so you finally go out and beat a superior Texas Tech team but all anyone is talking about is you screaming at a female reporter who called your overrated QB soft. get with it dude. you're a man. you're 40.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Who Got Them Heismans? (the contenders)

so, we are 4 games into the college football season and honestly the Heisman race is still totally up for grabs. which is refreshing considering Troy Smith had that shit wrapped up after week 1. Heisman hype ain't what it's cracked up to be. John David Booty (one of the early frontrunners) is all but out of the race despite the fact he is the QB at USC. when you have that many fucking runningbacks though who would bother throwing? so with Booty out...despite the best efforts of, that leaves us about 5 likely candidates who'll be getting the invite to New York at seasons end.


Colt Brennan, QB Hawaii

Brennan's stats after only playing in 3 games are 1262 yards passing, 12 touchdowns vs 1 interception, and 4 rushing touchdowns. if he played for ANY school in a BCS conference it would just be a waiting game until they handed him the thing at the end of the year, but because noone gets to see him play and he is on a team that throws the ball 85% of the time then he's got zero chance. it's possible that if Hawaii runs the table and Brennan throws for about 65 touchdowns that he may have an outside shot of winning the Heisman, more than likely he'll finish a distant 4th in the voting but will probably get invited to the ceremony.


Mike Hart, RB Michigan

after passing up the money and staying in school for his senior year so that he could try and win a national title, Mike Hart was instantly a Heisman frontrunner. and then a funny thing happened. Michigan fell flat on their face...but Hart remained the loan bright spot on a struggling team. even with the Wolverines losing to Appy State and Oregon, Hart played his ass off and refused to lay down and die. he almost destroyed Notre Dame all on his own. and carried Michigan on his back in an upset victory over Penn State. all the puns about him being the "Heart" of Michigan are both trite and totally fucking gay, but Mike Hart literally is carrying a wounded Michigan team that had to gnaw it's paw off to escape from a bear trap on his back. if they can win the Big 10 i can't possibly imagine anyone else winning the Heisman who would deserve it more. i love to hate on the Big 10, but Mike Hart is everything you would ever want out of a college football player. his numbers are also pretty impressive, 655 yards rushing (leads the NCAA) and 6 touchdowns.


Darren McFadden, RB Arkansas

despite the best efforts of Houston Nutt to ruin the Razorback's season by losing games they should win, D-Mac is still the favorite to win the Heisman. he's the best runningback in the country in the conference best known for punishing runners. he's Mr. All-Everything. he can play quarterback. he can return kicks. he can make even the best SEC defence look like a Big East team on any given Saturday. he'll probably end the year with close to 2000 yards rushing and 20+ touchdowns. he'll be the number one pick in next year's draft. he'll end up being more popular than Reggie Bush, because he'll dominate the NFL. he is a living college football legend. all he needs is that Heisman to join Hershel Walker and Bo Jackson in the ring of the greatest SEC runningbacks in history. plus he has a pimp ass ride. i don't care if the Hogs go 6-6, give this man his fucking trophy and let's get it over with.


Tim Tebow, QB Florida

no Sophomore has ever won the Heisman Trophy, and that's not gonna change this year...but Tebow's 2008 Heisman campaign is basically underway right now. Tim Tebow has done two things that amaze me, number 1...he's made me love a Florida quarterback and 2...he's made the fact Florida has no runningbacks completely irrelevant. if you can tell me that you wouldn't want this kid leading your team on Saturdays then you are either a liar or a moron. he's the manbeast, destroying opposing linebackers and bringing football back to the glory days of the 1930s. just run forward and destroy.


Pat White, QB West Fucking Virginia

he is, without a doubt, one of the most exciting players to watch in all of college football. he's got the speed of a wide receiver and the ability to make throws if he needs to. he's the ultimate video game like weapon. his stats are 617 yards passing and 6 touchdowns combined with nearly 300 yards rushing and another 6 touchdowns. more than likely he'll finish this year with over a 1000 yards rushing and 2000 yards passing and about 35 combined touchdowns. he has the ability to take over a game at anytime and win it by himself. he's like a mini-Vince Young with Mike Vick's speed. unfortunately he splits Heisman attention with his teammate Steve Slaton, should Slaton leave early then i fully expect White to be the frontrunner, along with Tebow, next year.

some darkhorses:
Andre Woodson, QB Kentucky (will likely be out of it once Ketucky returns to reality and starts losing to everyone in the SEC)

Sam Bradford, QB Oklahoma (is a way a freshman QB would ever win the Heisman)

Dennis Dixon, QB Oregon (had a star making game against Michigan. if he can beat USC then don't be surprised if he ends up in New he's got the best highlight of this season to put on his resume')

DeSean Jackson, WR California (he's an electrifying player and he will probably end up a finalist...but WR's are never really a threat to win the Heisman unless they play for Michigan)

Ray Rice, RB Rutgers (great back, plays on an overrated team that will lose a couple of games and then Rice will have to console himself with his millions of dollars from the NFL when he leaves school early for the draft this year)

Matt Ryan, QB Boston College (great player, could be a 1st round pick, unfortunately plays for a school that noone fucking gives a shit about)

who is out of the running:

John David Booty, QB USC (hasn't even bothered showing up for the race this season. came in as an odds on favorite, his receivers haven't really stepped up for him and so USC has mostly just used their 8 millions runningbacks to dominate teams. Booty will have to settle for a title instead)

Brian Brohm, QB Louisville (how does a guy with 1697 yards passing and 15 touchdowns after only 4 games fall out of the Heisman race? losing to Kentucky and Syracuse back to back weeks will do that to you. oh well, Brohm will be a top 5 pick. Heisman QBs never do shit in the pros anyways.)

Colt McCoy, QB Texas (the Horns have struggled and McCoy hasn't looked the same since getting hurt last year against Texas A&M. look for him to bounce back next year and be a contender)

if they gave me a Heisman vote, my ballot would look this.

1. Darren McFadden, Arkansas RB
2. Tim Tebow, Florida QB
3. Pat White, West Virginia QB
4. Mike Hart, Michigan RB
5. Colt Brennan, Hawaii QB
6. DeSean Jackson, Cal WR
7. Sam Bradford, Oklahoma QB

THE NFLs Week 3 (Viva La Cowboys! edition)

week 3...i didn't learn anything...but i have some thoughts
-the Boys are back! seriously who knew getting rid of Bill would loosen this team up. T.O. is playing well, Romo looks like he's gotten over "the fumble", Barber is a beast. the D can't stop anyone (except Rex Grossman) but with an offence that good who cares. the NFC is so down i could see the Cowboys going 14-2, easy.
-after 3 weeks i'm leaning towards a Cowboys vs Patriots Superbowl
-.....but then again, the Colts actually look better than they did last year. i'm soooo sick of the Patriots vs Colts but regardless it's one those two that's gonna be winning it all this year, especially considering...
-the Chargers are shitty...or crumbling under the weight of expectations. LT is a cry baby. fuck these guys. maybe they should have spent less time believing their own hype and becoming the official team of Nike and less time talking shit about the Patriots and more time preparing to play some football. either that or LT got the Madden curse just for turning down the Madden cover because he wanted too much damn money. fuck that team.
-The Falcons are alot better than a 0-3 team, yet like any organization who needs to rebuild from the ground up they find ways to lose. DeAngelo Hall is a fucking punk. fuck that guy.
-The Lions have returned to reality.
-Brett Farve is playing too well. when is that 4 pick performance gonna emerge?
-The Bengals are the Louisville of the NFL.
-Joseph Addai is my fantasy MVP.
-The Redskins' throw back uniforms are pretty fucking sweet. Jason Campbell may very well be the best Auburn QB ever in the NFL.
-Donovan McNabb (who is a black you may have heard) used Kevin Curtis (who is a white wide receiver) to silence his critics for at least one week. there has to be some funny ironic post i could come up with about this.

Useless Week 4 Poll

A Lifetime Of Defeats Week 4 Top 25

1. LSU
2. USC
3. Oklahoma
4. Florida
5. West Fucking Virginia
6. California
7. Ohio State
8. Oregon
9. Texas
10. Rutgers
11. Boston College
12. Clemson
13. Wisconsin
14. Kentucky
15. Hawaii
16. South Florida
17. Georgia
18. Virginia Tech
19. Missouri
20. South Carolina
21. Penn State
22. Purdue
23. Arizona State
24. Alabama
25. Nebraska

so long Louisville. it's been nice knowing you as an elite program. Bobby P totally screwed you guys by leaving an amazing offence with absolutely zero defence. it's kinda the exact situation the Cincinnati Bengals find themselves in. good luck trying to beat West Virginia, Rutgers, South Florida, and fuck...maybe even UConn. poor Brohm. no Heisman for you young man.
Kentucky is in a state of false hope and alternate reality. Andre Woodson is gonna start getting a boner for all those millions he's gonna be making next year at some point and then it's bam! the losses are gonna roll right in with Georgia looking for revenge, Florida letting the Wildcats know whose conference they play in, Vanderbilt trying to get bowl eligible, and Tennessee trying to prove they don't completely suck this year. but right now everything is golden for the Cats. they beat two good football teams and their in state rival is out of the top 25. enjoy it while it lasts kids.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Trapped Behind Enemy Lines

Here i am on a Saturday with a bunch of UGA and Alabama fans watching the game while Auburn struggles against New Mexico State and i slip into a deeper depression. i continue to tell myself that it could be worse, i could be Louisville or Notre Dame fan. okay, nevermind suddenly the Tigers have an offence...granted it's against New Mexico State but i'll take whatever i can get.

thoughts o' the day:
-LSU is the best team in the country. unlike Auburn, they have two good QBs and a defence that demands virgin sacrifices and blood rights on a weekly basis. i am not looking forward to the asskicking that Auburn will be receiving from them soon enough.
-Darren McFadden is gonna get robbed of the Heisman because fucking Houston Nutt is a shitty coach.
-MB + drankin' + the UGA/Bama game = some shit
-fair weather Georgia fans are never fun to watch a game with.
-Penn State suck...or maybe Michigan figured out how to play football, regardless the Big 10 is boring as shit.
-i still suck at college pick 'ems
-to win the Big 10 is sort of like completing legend of Zelda. you gotta collect an ax, a bucket, a golden key, a keg, etc....

Friday, September 21, 2007

Suicide Watch Week 4

this week marks the last...errr best chance for Auburn to get a win before heading south to be beaten to death by a very scary Florida team. New Mexico State rolls into town following two embarrassing losses in a row. this is the first time Auburn has lost back to back games since 2003 and the first time they've lost back to back home games since i can remember. right now it is looking unlikely that Auburn is gonna be eligible for a bowl game with the way they are playing and with the fact that they still have road trips to Arkansas, Florida, LSU, and Georgia as well as Bama waiting to get revenge at the end of the season. The Liberty Bowl might be a stretch at this point. losing to Mississippi State is one of those soul sucking, spirit crushing moments that make you realize how truly bad your team is and how you really can only start counting down the days to next year. with Brandon Cox's descent into QB madness and the receivers inability to catch a football all the preasure is on the young runningback duo of Ben Tate and Mario Fannin. both players are skilled and will probably make up the best backfield in the SEC over the next few years, but right now they're too young to carry an offense that is just plain ugly. Oh Brad Lester, why didn't you study more?

New Mexico State comes to us with one of those pass happy offenses that already has their QB throwing 11 touchdowns in his first three games. this should give Auburn's excellent D-Line a chance to tee off on QB Chase Holbrook all fucking day. finally Qunetin Groves can get that all time Auburn sack record and more than likely the defence will be able to get some good field position and hopefully a few turnovers that can give the struggling offence a chance to put up a few points.

the only real bright spots for this team have been the defence and the kicking game and they should be good enough to beat all the bad teams they have left, but the offence needs to figure out what the fuck it's doing and abandon Cox in favor of freshman Kodi Burns at QB if the Tigers wanna be in a position to compete next year.

Potential for tragedy: 5, normally i'd rank this a 1 but the way the Tigers are playing i wouldn't be completely shocked if they lost again. it's gonna be a LOOOOOONNNGGGG year.

method of suicide: how do you kill what's already dead? Auburn now a Zombie

The U get they swagger back...for at least one night

as is usually the case for an overrated Texas A&M team, they got completely rolled last night when they played their first quality opponent of the season. Miami looked like exactly the opposite of the team i saw get destroyed by Oklahoma just 2 weeks ago. I'd go so far as to call them favorites in the wide open ACC right now, assuming Georgia Tech is still coached by Chan Gailey and Boston College is Boston College. i can only assume the score for the upcoming Texas A&M/Oklahoma game will be OU 100 A&M -5.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

One Man's Trash is Another Man's New Backup Quarterback

so Leftwich is now a Falcon. great now we have not one, but two 1st round draft busts to lead us to non-victory.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The Falcons Just Can't Get Over Morten Anderson

The Ageless Wonder that is Morten Anderson is back on the Falcons. i see the Falcons record leaping from 1 win to 3 wins. so long as they land that number 1 pick, i could honestly care less who is kicking for them, but it's nice to see old Morty back. never retire.

What's Your Fantasy? Week 2

Thug Apologists may apologize for thugs, but we do not apologize for motherfucking victories. 2 and 0 baby....can you smell that championship?!? I can. Carson Palmer exploded all over your face throwing touchdowns like he was playing back in the Pac 10. our runningback trio of Addai, Peterson, and McGahee were all consistent...our receivers actually decided to contribute some points, and the Bears D was like a pack of rabid dogs, and our motherfucking kicker has two game winners on his resume. and then Chris Cooley just put the icing on my cake with a touchdown catch last night. ya'll is some crazy ass fools if you think your shitty fantasy team even stands a chance. you need to just go back to playing online poker.

Monday, September 17, 2007

College Football Week review

Mike Hart would like you all to know that you can kiss his sorta black ass, Michigan may suck(except when raping Notre Dame) but he deserves Heisman consideration regardless. it's not his fault that nobody on the defence can cover anyone when a team runs the spread. the savage beating of Notre Dame signals that the Wolverines are probably on their way back...or maybe just that Notre Dame is really a cupcake in disguise with a multimillon dollar TV contract. all in all Charlie and his band of overrated blue chippers are probably going 4-8 this season. which is good because...

Auburn fucking sucks, well specifically Brandon Cox fucking sucks. i'm sorry i used to love Brandon, i had even gone so far as to say he was a better quarterback than Jason Campbell...but the more i think about it the more i realize that he was just an above average QB on a team loaded with talent on offence his first 2 years as a starter. he had 4 Wide Receivers currently taking up roster spots in the NFL, 1 NFL runningback and a couple more who probably will be, 3 NFL offensive lineman including Marcus McNeil who might be the best young tackle in the league, and 0 expectations on him his first year as a starter. now that all that talent is gone there's noone to hide the fact that he had a weak arm, can't read coverages, gets antsy in the pocket when preasured, and has basically turned into a a big retarded pussy. if Tubby wants to win any games this year and make the Tiger's contenders in the SEC next year then he needs to bench Cox and go with the freshman Kodi Burns. i can handle the losing if i felt like they were rebuilding towards something next year, but i can't handle Cox just giving games away. and that's something that can't possibly help recruiting, especially when....

BAMA's back....or at least it looks like they are. despite the best efforts of John Parker Wilson to throw as many picks as possible, the Tide got their first big win of the Nick the Prick era in a great one against Arkansas. after spotting Bama 21 points the Hogs came roaring back but then pretty much gave the game away in the final few minutes when both McFadden and Felix Jones were on the bench during a crucial 3rd down play. than John Parker lead the Tide down field for a last second scoring drive that resulted in MB screaming like a madman and Jeff screeching like a girl. fucking Bama fans.

other shit i learned
-USC doesn't give a shit about your fucking program that's trying to reclaim it's spot on the national stage
-Andre Woodson is hella awesome
-Texas is so getting their ass kicked by Oklahoma
-Karl Dorrell is doing his best to make sure there is one less black headcoach in college football in 2008
-Tebow is made of magical awesomeness
-Matt Ryan is not Matt Damon, but he will shred your highly touted defence on tv
-Noel Devine is really really fast

Useless Week 3 Poll

A Lifetime Of Defeats Week 3 Top 25

1. LSU
2. USC
3. Oklahoma
4. Florida
5. West Fucking Virginia
6. California
7. Penn State
8. Ohio State
9. Oregon
10. Texas
11. South Carolina
12. Rutgers
13. Wisconsin
14. Boston College
15. Louisville
16. Clemson
17. Alabama
18. Hawaii
19. South Florida
20. Virginia Tech
21. Texas A&M
22. Georgia
23. Nebraska
24. Kentucky
25. Arkansas

Sunday, September 16, 2007

The NFLs Week 2 (Cheating Ass Cheaters Edition)

week 2...shit we learned

the Falcons are looking solid on that Darren McFadden or Brian Brohm pick
the Raiders may still suck, but they are gonna be good in a year or two
Jay Cutler is going to the Pro Bowl
the Saints were a fluke. the losing is back. that team will be in LA in 3 years.
Carson Palmer is my fantasy football god, who cares if they lost. motherfucker had 6 touchdowns
Ed Hochuli is on HGH
Devin Hester is fast, which is good because the Bears' offence sucks and they need all the help that they can get
Steven Jackson is losing it fast. i think he somehow caught Vince Young's Madden curse
the 49ers are going to the playoffs
the Chargers are totally the new Colts...aka that team everyone likes because they have all the stars and yet the will always get bounced in the playoffs by teams who actually know how to win when it matters

The Cheating Ass Cheaters vs. The Shit Talking Douchebags that All The Bandwagon Jumpers Like To Suck Off

how much do i not give a fuck about Patriotgate?!? enough to only barely mention it here...ESPN on the other hand won't shut the fuck up about it. also don't you just kinda hate the Chargers? i mean they are so that team that people who only kinda watch football or learned everything they know about the sport from playing Madden or fantasy football all root for. i wish they both would just lose.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Misery loves company

i don't think i've seen a team comeback down by three touchdowns without ever really throwing the ball. Houston Nutt might as well make a sacrifice of 40 virgins to whatever demon god gave him Darren McFadden, also they might as well go ahead and hand that Heisman trophy over to D-Mac so he can cruise around in his pimp ride with it picking up women.

nevermind that...apparently Arkansas doesn't understand that when you have the number 1 and number 2 runningbacks in the SEC you should maybe keep them in the game on 3rd and 4 and hand it to them...not to someone named Mike Smith. also the Prevent Defence only prevents you from winning.

i'm with two Bama fans who are freaking out like girls. Roll Tide, i guess.

Michigan gets right

Dear Notre Dame,

you suck and your coach is fat.


College Football fans who aren't Catholic.

38-0 equals=thanks for making me feel less bad about losing to Mississippi State.

Special Report: Football Brings The Races Together

CBS just spotlighted the fact that white QB Tim Tebow is friends and roommates with black teammate Tim Joiner. is this something newsworthy? is this remember the Titans? i am confused. Was this a storyline of the Florida/Tennessee game that someone needed to spotlight?

Tebow would like you to know that although he is white, he will room with you black folks.


Phil Fulmer is sooooooo getting fired after this season.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

goddamn motherfucking cocksucking piece of shit Auburn motherfucking Tigers. losing to Mississippi State?!?! are you fucking serious?!? are you fags gonna win any games this year? did Mike Shula take over Tubby's brain when Bama kicked his ass to the curb. does Brandon Cox secretly hate the Auburn fans and enjoy watching us all suffer? did Sylvester Croom make a deal with Satan that only allows him to win conference games in the state of Alabama? do i really have to sit through the rest of this season or can i just hit the reset button? i am getting drunk tonight goddamn it.

whatever, there are some completely insane Auburn fans crying for Tubberville's head and Bama fans who seem to have forgotten that their team lost to Mississippi State last year. Auburn has had back to back top 10 recruiting classes that have resulted in a alot of young talent that is just now starting to play. Brandon Cox is a total liability and i really can't understand why he was left in the game once they were in the redzone at the end of the game. Kodi Burns came in a showed alot of promise. i'm excited about this kid. fuck slow white quarterbacks who can't avoid sacks.

someone kill me now.

i'm stoked about Kodi Burns though...kid looks awesome. I Heart My Black Quarterback.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Suicide Watch Week 3

so it's been a long long week for my Auburn Tigers. they got exposed by an upstart South Florida team and now appear to be about the 3rd or 4th best team in their division...depending on if you believe the Saban Hype or not. but all is not lost, a couple of sweet little cupcakes are rolling into the Plains over the next few Saturdays and hopefully the ship can get righted before the Tigers travel south towards the swamp.

this is "Get Right" week for the Tigers. it's time to figure out which young runningback is gonna emerge among the ranks and take over for Brad Lester, who remains ineligible, also who is gonna step up and replace the injured defensive players? and will Brandon Cox continue to play duck and cover everytime he gets blitzed? this could be a very very long year if some of these questions don't get answered quickly. thankfully this week we have the Mississippi State Bulldogs coming to town, who may or may not be the WORST team in the SEC. the possibility for an upset seems highly unlikely but if things do end badly and somehow Auburn is upset by Miss St. then you may find my corpse somewhere splattered on College Ave after i throw myself off the parking deck. Mississippi State SUCKS...bad, if you watched their brutal prison raping by LSU in the season opener you know that they can't stop a team with a fast defence from destroying them, plus Michael Henig remains at QB for the Bulldogs, which could equal a couple of picks for the Auburn secondary. with any luck Mario Fannin has solved his fumbling problem and Quentin Groves will be well enough to play and this turns into a laugher early. anything less than a complete and utter beatdown of Mississippi State will be seen as a failure.

Potential for Tragedy: 3

method of suicide: jump off a fucking building

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Greg Oden is gonna miss his rookie season

to quote the Portland Trailblazers, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKK!!!!!!!!!"

man that sucks. he hasn't played a single game as a pro and he's already an injury prone super star.

It's Been a Long Fucking Week

we'll talk about sports tomorrow. my life is just too annoying and busy today.

watching Joe Theismann break his leg will make it all better, for now.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Todd Marinovich Award

which current NFL QB has been the biggest bust? there are so many candidates to choose from that it'll be hard to really narrow it down. the criteria is that the player must have been a first or second round draft pick who was seen as the savior of his team or the NEXT starter to take over for an aging veteran.

first up we have former overall number one pick of the Houston Texans and current backup QB for the Carolina Panthers, David Carr. Carr's bust factor really comes from the fact he was a number one overall pick who never lead his team anywhere near the playoffs or even to a winning season. in college he was a superstar at Fresno State and racked up wins against BCS teams like Colorado, Wisconsin, and Oregon State. when the Texans selected him as their first ever draft pick, most people saw him as their QB for the next ten years and a future pro-bowler. unfortunately the Texans never bothered to draft an offensive line to block for Carr and he ended up being sacked 249 times during a 5 year stretch. finally the Texans gave up on Carr and traded for Atlanta backup Matt Schaub and sent David packing. Carr has always seemed like a fairly descent QB and would probably be good if put on the right team. i think he'll resurrect his career in Carolina and will go down as an average NFL QB who maybe won a playoff game or two.

i give his current bust rating a 5.

our second Marinovich nominee is Ravens QB Kyle Boller. Boller was the Ravens' first round pick in 2003 and was thought of as being the QB that the team needed to get them back to the Super Bowl. mostly he's been the QB that gets benched for Anthony Wright or Steve McNair. his career stats are 55.7% completions, 36 tds to 35 picks, and a QB rating of 70.5. basically those are the career numbers of a journeyman backup Qb taken in the 6th round who hung around the league for a decade...not a 1st round draft pick. Boller seems destined for an early exit once his contract runs out or whenever the Ravens decide to cut him. they already drafted Troy Smith as his possible replacement and i wouldn't be surprised if they took another QB in the 2008 draft. Boller's days in Baltimore are numbered.

his bust rating is a 6

our final nominee for biggest current bust and winner is Joey fucking Harrington. the former Lions, Dolphins, and current Falcons QB has been a total disaster almost since day one of his career. his numbers are 55% completions, 72 tds vs 79 picks, and a QB rating under 70. Joey Harrington comes from the Jeff Tedford school of QB robots which also produced Boller and Superbust Akili Smith. for whatever reason Tedford removes whatever part of the brain that QBs use to make good decisions and replaces it with a computer chip that can only run his college offence. once that player graduates his chip stops working and he goes to the pros and becomes a complete liability.

his bust rating is a 8.5

other potential/current busts taking up a roster spot and wasting your favorite teams money and giving you a false since of hope are Aaron Rodgers (another fucking Tedfordbot), JP Losman, Jason Campbell (war eagle...damnit!), Charlie Frye, Chris Simms, Alex Smith, and Sex Cannon Grossman.

we need to come up with a new award for player with insane talent who wasted it away by being a complete moron in life...we'll call that the Michael Vick/Pacman Jones award.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Monday Night Football double dip

i'm only gonna watch the first game because i've got Carson and McGahee playing and let's face it, who the fuck cares about the Cardinals and 49ers? plus who can really deal with that much of Mike and Mike and Ditka?

here's some fantasy football bonus material for your ass. enjoy the sweet sounds of the Oneness.

College Football Week review

oh to be young, athletic, and talented. Oregon QB, Dennis Dixon went from guy who kept being benched for Ryan Leaf's little brother to guy who makes beating Michigan easier than getting arrested during NBA All Star Weekend. Dixon has always seemed like an extremely talented player who was underachieving and Saturday at Michigan may have very well been was coming out party. it's doubtful that Dixon will play in the League considering he's a really good baseball prospect (selected by the Braves in the last draft in fact) but he may very well play himself into some Heisman mentions if other front runners falter. regardless that faking the Statue of Liberty and running it in for the touchdown play might have been the sweetest thing i've seen in a long time. Dixon is just a silky smooth cat who is not to be fucked with.

also of note, as much as i hate Michigan (as well as the rest of the Big 10) it's hard not to feel bad for Mike Hart. that guy came back to win and he's been playing his ass off with zero help from anyone else on his team. the same sympathy is not extended towards QB Chad Henne though, as he is just another in a long line of completely overrated Michigan Quarterbacks who have done nothing in the Pros....and don't even try to bring up Tom Brady. he was a 6th round pick that most Michigan fans wanted benched in favor of Drew Henson during his senior season. fortunately Henne is hurt and we get to see manchild manbeast Ryan Mallett start against fellow over hyped QB blue chip prospect Jimmy Clausen during the Notre Dame/Michigan battle for irrelevance. it's too bad both teams can't lose that game.

Dear Georgia Bulldogs,

your team sucks my balls.

love Steve Spurrier

these titties will be a small way that most Auburn fans can get over the disappointing loss to South Florida. it's bad enough that we lost in overtime, at home, to a Big East team with one of the ugliest uniforms in all of college football. but watching Brandon Cox play duck and cover while he threw wildly into coverage was enough to make me wanna blow my brains out. thankfully we have a couple of shitty teams coming to town before the possible conference beatdowns from Arkansas and Florida arrive. the defence still looks mostly impressive, although if the injuries keep piling up and i'm starting to see visions of Peach Bowls dancing in my head.

other thoughts
-LSU doesn't care about your fucking tragedy. they are a rabid beast men bent on world destruction.
-the Big East really likes to score points.
-i suck at college football pick 'ems
-Washington are a team on a mission to save their coach's job. i am pretty sure the Huskies could crush Notre Dame right about's to hoping these to meet up in some low level bowl game the results in a 30 point beatdown of Weis and his band of overrated blue chippers
-Penn State are surely winning the Big 10 this year...if only by default. Michigan is beyond bad, Wisconsin can't possibly be worthy of their ranking, Iowa are always underachievers, and Michigan State will meltdown any game now...leaving the Ohio State Buckeyes whose lack of an offence make them a one toothed stray cat with some sharp claws but very little bite....whatever the fuck that means.

THE NFLs Week 1 (let the losing begin)

week 1, shit we learned.

Tiki is a douche.
the colts are still awesome.
so in case you hadn't heard, Randy Moss is back in a big way.
so is Roethlisberger. head trama takes a year to wear off, i guess.
Tony Romo seems to have gotten over that fumble against the Seahawks.
Plaxico is blowing up this year.
i heart Jay Cutler. i see Pro Bowl in your future, young man.
Adrian Peterson has arrived.
everything is going according to plan as The Falcons are on their way to that top pick in the 2008 draft.
Rex Grossman still sucks.
all of your fantasy backs can suck a fuck.
the Lions are totally gonna win 10 games. John Kitna tells no lies.

Fantasy Week 1...the final countdown to victory

It all comes down to the Monday Night game. my team is down by 5 and we've got Carson Palmer and Willis McGahee vs. TJ Houshmandzadeh. anything TJ does is more than likely going to be cancelled out by Carson...unless he throws a shit ton of picks or something, so honestly McGahee should put this one away for us...unless he blows out his knee in the 1st quarter.

non fantasy producers for week 1- the entire receiving corp. Deion Branch and Donte Stallworth combined for zero points. Chris Chambers got some yards but scored no touchdowns. meanwhile Calvin Johnson was sitting around on our bench and scoring his first ever NFL touchdown.

fantasy superstar for week 1- Adrian Peterson. thank god for 3 runninback leagues or else i'd have had him on the bench. Peterson blew up in a big way against the Falcons and has already established himself as the possible MVP for my team.

after tonight the Thug Apologists should be able to earn their first win...most notably thanks to the fact that our opponent started Philip Rivers over Tom Brady. huh?!?!?!?!

Useless Week 2 Poll

A Lifetime Of Defeats Week 2 Top 25

1. LSU
2. USC
3. Oklahoma
4. West Fucking Virginia
5. Florida
6. Texas
7. Louisville
8. California
9. Wisconsin
10. Penn State
11. Georgia Tech
12. Ohio State
13. Rutgers
14. UCLA
15. South Carolina
16. Nebraska
17. Oregon
18. Boston College
19. Hawaii
20. Georgia
21. South Florida
22. Clemson
23. Washington
24. Arkansas
25. Alabama

after destroying a top 10 team in Virginia Tech, LSU jumps up to number 1 this week. they look unfuckingstopable...where as USC seems like maybe, just maybe somebody is gonna tip a pass and ruin their perfect season at some point. probably not this weekend in Nebraska though. Oklahoma climbs a few spots with their brutal destruction of THE U (sorry guys the 80s and 90s are becoming a distant memory). Louisville slips up a little thanks to an unimpressive win over Middle Tennessee State...but they did score a million points, so that's something. Washigton continue their campaign to save Ty's job by ending Boise State's win streak. Oregon joins the poll after ending Lloyd Carr's career with a nice exclamation point. Clemson wins again and so i move them into the top 25 until they screw it up against some easy team South Florida is back in after exposing Auburn on the Plains. Auburn falls out of the top 25, as does Virginia Tech, TCU, Appy State (we have short attention spans here on the Oregon showed us all how bad Michigan really is), and Texas A&M (barely winning in overtime to a bad team like Fresno State = no respect from the pollsters) is out.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

fucking Auburn

a lone shotgun blasts rings out into the night and the season becomes alot more realistic...i.e. i am depressed. it could be worse though, i could be a Michigan or Notre Dame fan. also i SUCK at college football pick 'ems. we'll talk more on monday. i've got Fantasy Football to deal with now.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Suicide Watch Week 2

after a nice little scare in week 1 from Kansas State, we have an equally likely candidate for an upset coming our way in the form of the South Florida Bulls. now USF ranks among my top 10 in Ugliest Fucking Uniforms in College Football...but they also rank among the top 10 sleeper teams to fuck up your team's season. don't believe me? just ask Louisville in 2005 and and West Fucking Virginia last year. if you've got BCS dreams then South Florida has plans of smashing them.

with the way the Tiger's offence slept through nearly all of last Saturday's matchup with K State i am definitely worried....but not so much this week. USF doesn't exactly stop anyone and i think/hope/pray/curse the gods that Auburn will be able to establish the run game early and often. South Florida's star QB, sophomore Matt Grothe was impressive last year. he's mobile for a white QB and makes alot of plays with his feet...leading the team last year with 622 yards on the ground in fact. Auburn's defencive speed should hopefully negate that aspect and with any luck they can create turnovers and points. if this somehow turns into a shootout then i don't like Auburn's chances...but if they can play solid D and keep it close then the probability of a 4th quarter meltdown from the young QB seems pretty likely. actually i sort of expect almost the exact same game as last week. with luck that'll be the last one like this.

i know in 2004 we paid a huge price for scheduling cream puffs, but this season i think we could have used one to start things off...a little appetizer...but then again we could have ended up like Michigan.

Potential for Tragedy: 5.5 (only because of USF's history as giant killers)

method of suicide: hanging...the slow painful kind

It's A Long Way To The Top, If You Wanna Rock And Roll

so last night Louisville and Middle Tennessee State took the field for a friendly game of college football and suddenly an Arena League game broke out. seriously 58 to 42 is like a really awesome game of Madden between two players who don't understand how to pick a proper defence and just spend the whole time rolling out and throwing bombs to their best wide receiver...and honestly that's about what was happening everytime Louisville had the ball. the first two plays the Cardinals ran went for touchdowns of 81 and 75 yards. and Midd Tenn St was scoring with ease as well. in the first 4 minutes both teams combined for 5 touchdowns! in the end the Cardinals were able to win in the shootout leaving QB Brian Brohm with 401 yards passing and 5 touchdowns. Runningback Anthony Allen added 275 yards rushing and 2 more touchdowns. i think even the retarded manchild water boy got in the game late and scored a TD. all in all i'd say that the Cardinals proved once again that even though their offence is made of magic, they don't have the defence to compete with elite programs like Ohio State, USC, or Florida and even if they were somehow able to run the table and go undefeated this year, that a 1 loss major conference team would be more deserving of playing for the national championship (except for Michigan). all that said, i can't fucking wait for that Louisville vs West Virginia game this year. both teams might combine for about 150 points and 1500 yards of total offence. and can you imagine the possibilities of a Louisville and Hawaii matchup in a bowl game?!?! they'd have to replace the lights on the fucking scoreboard.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Best Heisman Campaign EVER

College Football and Asses. Together at last.

What's Your Fantasy? Week 1

during all the joy i was experiencing over the return of my favorite drug, college football, i totally forgot about the fact that the NFL starts tonight...and with the chances for the Falcons to be respectable fairly slim, it's all about my Fantasy Team this year.

Joseph Addai gets the THUG APOLOGISTS started tonight as the Colts take on the Saints. Addai came in last year as a rookie and rushed for over 1000 yards as the backup. now that he's the loan horse in the stable i am expecting huge numbers. He's gonna either make or break my team this year...or maybe not. regardless he should put up some numbers tonight against The Saints shitty ass defence. my prediction is 120 yards rushing, 30 yards receiving, 2 touchdowns. and alot of shit talking on the message board.

the rest of my starting roster for Week 1 looks like this

QB- Carson Palmer of the Bengals vs the Ravens. i love Palmer as my QB but a little part of me is scared of this game, i am actually starting to lean towards starting Broncos QB Jay Cutler who faces the Bills for my opener instead. i will have to consult with my co-owner on this one.

RB- Willis McGahee of the Ravens vs Bengals. The Bengals D totally sucks, they made Joey Harrington look good. big numbers.

WR- Deion Branch of the Seahawks vs Tampa Bay, hopefully Ronde Barber doesn't shut him down. his status as a starter is up in the air.

WR- Bernard Berrian of The Bears vs San Diego. i don't know if Rex Grossman will be able to actually get him the ball as i see San Diego just destroying the Bears Offence all fucking night.

WR- Donte Stallworth of the Patriots vs The Jets. assuming Stallworth doesn't get injured i think he could have a big night, especially with Randy Moss's status up in the air.

Bears Defence vs the Chargers- i'd love it if you guys could somehow shut down LT...just for one night.

TE- Chris Cooley of the Redskins vs Miami. i like this matchup alot, Jason Campbell is probably gonna lean on Cooley alot this year. could get a touchdown and a few catches for 60 yards. respectable Tight End numbers.

my rookie wildcards

WR Calvin Johnson of the Lions vs Oakland. Mike Martz says Johnson isn't gonna start, the Raiders D is pretty good...i know it's hard to believe anything about the Raiders is good. anyway i am not too happy with my starting receivers so i may just play Johnson anyway...starter or not.

RB Adrian Peterson of the Vikings vs The Falcons. he's gonna split carries with Chester Taylor but then again the Falcons did once give up 4 touchdowns to 2 runningbacks in the SAME FUCKING GAME. so anything is possible.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Another Season, Another Reason To Lose Faith

The Braves are done. toast. it's over. fuck it. see you next year...or not. who cares? baseball sucks. it's like a really bad relationship that you just stay in cause it's a habit. it's too bad i didn't take advantage of those 60 dollar all you can eat and drink seats. oh well, this Tomahawk chops no more.

Useless Week 1 Poll

A Lifetime Of Defeats Week 1 Top 25

1. USC
2. LSU
3. West Fucking Virginia
4. Oklahoma
5. Florida
6. Louisville
7. Texas
8. California
9. Wisconsin
10. Virginia Tech
11. Georgia
12. Penn State
13. Ohio State
14. Rutgers
15. Auburn
16. UCLA
17. Georgia Tech
18. Nebraska
19. Hawaii
20. Appalachian State
21. South Carolina
22. TCU
23. Texas A&M
24. Boston College
25. Alabama

so some big shake ups in the top 25, Michigan, Missouri, and Florida State are totally out. Tennessee is a wait and see. Bama gets the 25 spot till they either lose or beat someone worth a damn. South Florida gets bumped by virtue of not playing anyone and instead i give their spot to Appy State for a week. TCU, Boston College, and Georgia Tech are also in. Wisconsin jumps the highest. Texas falters a bit as well as Auburn. all in all a pretty normal week of college football, unless you are a Michigan fan.

Michigan....this song's for you.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

What Have We Learned? Week 1 edition

1. the first thing we learned was BEWARE of Cupcakes! they are unhealthy and fattening and sometimes they will give you a motherfucking heart attack.

2. Washington will maybe win a few games this year and save Ty's job for another season. sorry Jim Mora Jr.

3. Sorry Wake Forest, The Dream is over. welcome back to reality. 6 wins and a trip to the Emerald Bowl might be your best hope.

4. Don't pick against UGA at home while they are playing non-conference foes in home openers. just ask Boise State in 2005 and OK State this year. the Dogs may always underachieve as a program, but they sure as hell know how to get up for a nice ass whooping to open the season against an overrated team with a gimmick offence. hmmm...maybe they should think about a West Virginia rematch. i wonder how long before the locals' get their national championship talk started up? probably Saturday night... booze and a good fast defence make you delusional from time to time. i still scream youth! youth! youth! but this team is definently gonna be awesome next year.

5. as embarssing as it was for Michigan to lose AT HOME to Appy State, Notre Dame looks even worse. Jesus They SUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!! either that or GA Tech is fucking amazing...i'm guessing the Notre Dame sucking thing. i don't care who you play at QB, they are gonna get eaten for lunch almost every week. 5 wins might be pushing it.

6. Auburn's offence still looks confused half the time and had problems running the ball and protecting the QB....this could spell trouble. Brandon Cox continues his quest to be the most sacked Quarterback in the history of the world. seriously the guy is a fucking statue back there. i will be alot happier when Kodi Burns is taking the snaps next year and we have someone who could maybe, i don't know, run away from preasure. Luckily Auburn's D is it's usual sack happy, turnover casuing self. Quentin Groves is after my heart. also Kansas Sate's manchild QB, Josh Freeman is gonna be a great QB in the future. if he hadn't gotten hurt i think K State might have pulled off the upset.

7. Colt Brennan won't win the Heisman but he is gonna put up Madden-like stats of 80 touchdowns and 7000 yards if June Jones let's him play full games.

8. Oklahoma is gonna be a beast this year. watch out Texas. or not, who knows...the Big 12 is the most unpredictable confrence in college football. it's wide fucking open.

9. Tebow can throw. that rhymes.

10. FSU is done as a powerhouse...until someone comes in there and takes the program away from Bowden's fat annoying ass.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

The First Saturday In September = The Happiest Time Of The Year

College Football is back!!!!

i'm drinking. although it is German beer.

my girlfriend thinks Jesse Palmer's (former shitty Qb and Bachelor star) haircut is not good. "it looks like a pineapple", actually were her words. i have no thoughts on this matter.

MB will be apologizing for some Thugs at some point and making some insane claims about Bama.

The Michigan loss means that no matter how bad Auburn's season is i will still have something to laugh about occasionally. Coach Carr needs to be fired.

Notre Dame vs Georgia Tech is making me sleepy. Demetrius Jones pretty much sucks, maybe going with Jimmy Clausen would've been a better idea. 16-0 at half time = i could give a fuck who you started at QB.

the Virginia Tech coverage didn't annoy me nearly as much as i thought it would have. I'll be glad when LSU puts an end to this dream. not trying to hate on people who have been through a tragedy but ESPN has a way of making this shit insufferable.

Wake Forest might actually be respectable...or not, maybe Boston College just fucking sucks.

Florida looks like they're going to be scary, granted they did play Western Kentucky...but still they scored points at ease.

Appalachian State 34 Michigan 32