Tuesday, July 31, 2007

A little something for the BAMA fans.

here's a little play most fans of the Crimson Tide are pretty familiar with brought to you from NCAA Football 2008. this is called getting Chris Capp'd. oh, it hurts so good.

BRAVES trade away one dude whose name most of their fans can't pronounce for another one

so the Braves actually decided that this year they aren't gonna just hold on to young players with potential and instead are willing to deal away top prospects in a push for the playoffs. Last night Atlanta traded hotshit young catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia for Texas Ranger's power hitting first baseman Mark Teixeira. now on the surface i think it's a pretty good deal, The Braves get one of the best 1Bs in baseball and just give up some minor leaguers and Salty to get him, but i think like me every Braves fan kinda had a huge mancrush on Mr. Saltalamacchia and saw him becoming the possible next Mike Piazza (minus the mustache and homosexuality). so in a way you are trading away someone who could end up one of the stars of the next decade for a guy you are probably only keeping for a year and a half. granted Teixeira did play his college ball at Georgia Tech so maybe there's the possibility the Braves could resign him, but that hasn't really been their style in the past. especially when you way into the rumors that John Schuerholz and Bobby Cox are both planning on retiring after next season. so i think it's become a situation where the Braves are just gonna open the flood gates and start trading away all these young prospects in an attempt to win another world series before everything comes crashing down around us after the 2008 season and the Braves become just another team in the National League who can't compete with the BIG MARKET teams like New York and LA and uh.....New York. whatever at this point i just want them to win another ring and then i'll be okay with them falling into a pit of despair from which they shall never return. after Smoltz, Cox, and Schuerholz are gone it's gonna be all over anyways and we all know it.

Monday, July 30, 2007

FUCK. Bill Walsh died.

the greatest coach of the modern era/the guy who invented the West Coast offence and won all those damn Superbowls with the 49ers has died. R.I.P. Coach. at least God can finally fire Lombardi and replace him with an offensive genious to coach Heaven's All Star squad.

Mike Vick, Starring in The Longest Yard 2: Electric Boogaloo

so Mike Vick's co-defendent decided it was in his own best interest to plead guilty and then turn on our former hero and throw him under the bus by testifying against Mr. Mexico. now to say Vick is fucked is pretty much an understatement. i'm thinking the Virginia Penal Football League just got alot more interested, if you are taking notes. if only Pac Man Jones and Tank Williams would go break some laws their too, we might be ablle to get a pretty rad team going...we could even throw in Chris Henry for good measure. hell that team already would have more talent than the Raiders.

Friday, July 27, 2007

THE NEXT VINCE YOUNG?!?! as the term THE NEXT MIKE VICK now and forever must be replaced.

this is Terrelle Pryor. go ahead and get used to that name, as it is probably gonna be one you will hear alot for the next couple of years. Rivals.com and every other site in America that tracks/stalks the best high school prospects has a major boner for this kid. and why not, he's 6-6, runs a 4.4, has a cannon, and even is listed as a top 25 prospect in basketball too. Texas, Ohio State, Alabama, Penn State, West Virginia, and pretty much the rest of the free world want Pryor to lead their team to the promised land. he's gonna get so much pussy and booze thrown at him over this next year that it'll make an episode of Entourage feel like something from The Disney Channel. i'll never understand why an elite football recruit would EVER commit to a team early. you miss out on all the perks of being an elite highschool prospect. pretty soon you're just gonna be another 5 star recruit not living up to the insane hype surrounding you on signing day. the recruiting process is where you get to live out your most depraved sexual fantasies with the entire delta sigma cum on my face sorority. don't pass that up. make 'em "recruit" the hell out of you, Colorado style. so have fun young man. i wish you well.

here's some video of Pryor in action...just to drive home the point that your school can't recruit for shit.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

hey Artfag, nobody cares about your fucking DJ night...or your fantasy football team

Ah yes, it's that time of the year...the time when you and your dorky friends who think they know about football get together and begin months of shit talking, photoshopping, gay jokes, and overall loss of the ability to think about anything other than what defense you should start in week 8. yeah that's right...it's time for some FANTASY FOOTBALL! oh yeah!

in less than 3 weeks you and your girlfriend will no longer be on speaking terms when you go out together at night because you'll be too busy huddled in a corner of the bar with your friend/team co-general manager discussing if you guys should pick up John Kitna when he starts against the Vikings or if you should really trade the Chargers defense for a backup runningback after your star back blew his knee out in week 1. regardless your life is basically over for the next few months and the only way you are getting laid is with a Japanese real doll. but honestly you'll be so drunk every weekend that you won't really care anyways. besides you've got pics of your friend's birthday party that you need to photoshop and post on your message board, you don't have time for relationships. so have fun boys. the time for shit talking is about to begin.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Who wants to be the next franchise Quarterback of the Falcons?

so Vick's dogfighting bullshit has created a couple of problems in my universe. first of all The Falcons just went from MOST fun team to use on Madden to LEAST in a manner of seconds. from here on out all of us lazy Madden players who like to run around in the pocket waiting for someone to throw deep to or waiting for the linebackers to drop into coverage and then scramble for 20 yards (repeat x number of times till your friend threatens to stab you in the heart and then throws down his controller in disgust) will now have to run with the Tennessee Titans.

problem 2, who the fuck is gonna pilot this ship of doom for the great city of Atlanta into the next decade? considering the depth in the division and the schedule the falcons have this year it's probably not too unlikely that they are gonna end up somewhere around 4 wins and have one of the top 5 picks in the draft. now part of me really wants them to spend that pick on Darren McFadden and just ride that horse to the motherfucking promised land....but adding a runningback to a team without a quarterback seeems unlikely...not when Bobby Petrino is running the show now and his former start pupil in Brian Brohm is gonna be sitting there on day 1 ready to step in a take over the show in Atlanta.

so Brohm is the odds on favorite to end up the next Falcons QB, which is fine i guess. i'd put him at 3-1. he's shown amazing ability in college and could end up being the next Carson Palmer...but also he seems to be made out of glass at some points and hasn't played an entire season in his 3 years of college so far. and that's the kind of shit that makes me uneasy. i mean don't we all remember the Chris Chandler days? not really ready for that again. so who else is there for the taking?

our second choice is Colt Brennan. he put up insane numbers last year in the pass happy/no defense WAC and is sort of the Anti-Vick....except for the whole breaking into a girls dorm room and trying to molest her when he was a freshman at Colorado or whatever the fuck he did. anyways Colt looks like an NFL quarterback and not just your typical Ty Detmer/Timmy Chang/whoever they have behind center at Texas Tech who just plays throw throw throw football and can't actually make it in the league. No i think Colt will actually end up being a pretty good QB in the NFL...but maybe isn't such a good fit in Atlanta. i see him as a better fit in Detroit running the Mike Martz offense and putting up Kurt Warner (pre-brain meltdown) numbers throwing to Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams.

our third canidate in the race for Falcons '08 is John David Booty. Booty might just end up the third Trojans QB to win the Heisman Trophy this decade...and more than likely is gonna be holding up that National Champion trophy at the end of the year. now Booty isn't as flashy as Matt Leinart and Carson Palmer and he has a knack for getting his passes batted down during game deciding situations...but he is the QB for the Trojans and so far they've produced two stars in Leinart and Palmer. he could end up being a perfect fit under an offensive mind like Petrino and he's basically been playing for a Pro Team at USC anyways. i'd guess he'd be the most ready to step in and play from day one...i just don't know if he'll be happy with all the lack of talent he'll be surrounded by after being spoiled at Southern Cal.

some other dark horses are Andre Woodson from Kentucky, Chad Henne from Michigan, and Eric Ainge of Tennessee...but honestly i find it hard to get excited about any of those names. i guess if people really want to replace Vick the Falcons could always wait another year until West Virginia's Pat White is available. he's got the speed but not really the arm to play in the NFL. he'd still be more fun to watch than Joey Fucking Harrington. oh well, it's gonna be a long season Falcons fans.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Big Soulless Machine vs the Man Whose Head Expanded

so everyone and their mom is talking about the game fixing ref scandal and the NBA...but we here at A LIFETIME OF DEFEATS don't give a fuck about the NBA cuz the closest pro team to us is the Hawks and 'Nique has been gone for a long ass time. so instead i choose to talk about Barry Bonds and his quest to pass ole' Braves Legend Hank Aaron. Barry needs two more and low and behold it's the Atlanta Braves who have come to town to possibly serve up the record homer. now i'm not a betting man so i won't make any wagers but i'd be shocked if the Braves throw him a single hitable ball during the entire series. now everyone knows Barry is gonna break the record, and frankly i don't even care anymore. ESPN has beat me over the head with every possible angle of this story for so many years that i almost want to root for Barry just to see if it will make Pedro Gomez head explode. i mean everyone screams racism all the time when it comes to a media bias...but the way ESPN has a hardon for Black Athletes in Trouble (thinking about trade marking that and turning it into a series of childrens books) is kinda ridiculous. how many pieces do i really need to see on Pac Man Jones? how much hate do i need to feel for Barry? how many times do i have to hear about what T.O. did or didn't do in practice? fuck it. you are turning into Hard Copy. i just wanna see some highlights. anyways like i said i don't even give a shit if Barry breaks the fucking record, i just really don't want to see it happen to the Braves...i think i'd probably puke in my mouth from all the lame coverage it'll get.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Mike Vick, killer of dogs...crusher of dreams

oh Michael. it seems so long ago, back in 2001 when the Falcons made you the number 1 pick in the draft. you were the most exciting thing to hit the NFL since Barry Sanders. you were gonna save the franchise and bring us back to the superbowl. you were gonna change the way the quarterback position was played. you were gonna set all new records. the Falcons were gonna be one of the leagues elite teams. it was the land and milk and honey for a long suffering franchise. do you remember those days? and now it's 2007 and it feels like an eternity since you were the Jesus of Hotlanta. herpes, flipping off the fans, an inability to grasp the west coast system, being kinda a pussy about the media, the water bottle of weed, and dog fighting. now all i can do is look back and wonder what could have been in the Falcons hadn't traded up and instead drafted LT. ah, to dream. my thug apologist friend MB will stick up for you, but i can't anymore. Fuck you Vick, you dog killing piece of shit. I'm ready for the Joey Harrington era to begin.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

So Long Ron Mexico, Hello the Joey Harrington Era

so the shit has officially hit the fan with all this dog fighting business and Mr. Mexico just got his dumbass indicted. well so much for the former Madden cover boy and overall number 1 pick. The Falcons and any hopes of making the playoffs are now totally fucked and they've got a huge salary cap burden that's gonna cripple the team for years. i guess at this point we just hope for the worst and maybe we end up with one of the of the top 3 picks in the draft and land Darren McFadden or Brian Brohm.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

the Heisman Trophy is a joke edition

so the Preseason magazines are all in agreement on 2 things. number one is that USC is winning it all, that's probably got about a 75% chance of happening. and number 2 Darren McFadden will be winning the Heisman Trophy, and anyone who believes that can go ahead and buy my ocean front house in Arizona for a dollar. seriously the best player in College Football almost never wins the Heisman. with the exceptions of USC's trilogy of Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, and Reggie Bush i'm drawing a total blank. instead of players like Marshall Faulk, Calvin Johnson, and Peyton Manning taking home the award we generally have a list of late round picks and NFL never-weres like Eric Crouch, Desmond Howard, Charlie Ward, Chris Weinke, Ty Detmer, Gino Toretta, Jason White, etc... with almost total certainty the winner this season will be whoever the fuck the quarterback of the #1 team in the country is. be it Brian Brohm, John David Booty, Chad Henne, or who the fuck ever else ends up on top of the heap...unless he's an SEC quarterback. so anyone betting on McFadden this year should probably just save that cash and go to the strip club if you are inclined to just throw it away.

Statue Of Liberty is a Go

NCAA 2008 comes out today. for me that equals about a month of OCD induced roster management, followed by a very detail oriented Dynasty mode where i'll either end up playing every major game from the 2007 season to the exact results as this year, or i'll just crush everyone with Auburn. all in all it's a better way to spend my Tuesday night than watching reruns of The Simpsons. expect alot of updates about my fictional college football season over the next few months.

just for the curious. the EA SPORTS NCAA FOOTBALL TOP 25 RANKINGS are as follows:
Preseason Rankings top 25
1. USC
2. Michigan
3. LSU
4. Florida
5. Texas
6. WVU
7. Wisconsin
8. OU
9. VA Tech
10. Arkansas
11. Louisville
12. Ohio State
13. Auburn
14. Nebraska
15. Tennessee
16. California
17. Penn State
18. UGA
19. UCLA
20. Rutgers
21. Florida State
22. TCU
23. Boise State
24. Texas A&M
25. Boston College

Friday, July 13, 2007

Last Night a College Football Game Changed My Life

ah, memories. it's all we really have. one of my favorites being the 2005 Auburn/ Georgia game that might go down as one of the best i've ever watched in my entire life. it was a back and forth scoring battle the entire night and ended with a dramatic 4th and forever pass from Brandon Cox to Devin Aromashodu to help the Tigers win 31-30. the victory was made all the more sweeter considering i live in Athens and was watching the game with a bunch of UGA fans. and of course with the beauty of youtube i can watch the highlights whenever i want. oh joy and rapture.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Another Fucking All Star Game, Another Fucking Loss For The National League

so while my girlfriend was too busy with her head stuck in her Nintendo DS trying to beat Yoshi i was able to squeeze in the All Star game last night. now baseball is a sport i have mostly given up for dead because of a combination of years of disappointment with my Atlanta Braves and my girlfriend's rabid hatred of said sport, but i always love a good All Star game.

i remember as a kid begging my dad to let me stay up all night just to make sure i got to see Dale Murphy (always the lone Brave in the 80s) get his plate appearance. i have some very vivid memories of All Star games, my all time favorite moment was Bo Jackson crushing a lead off homerun in the '89 All Star game and then going on to win the MVP.

anyways last night's game ended up being one of the best ones i've watched in recent years. Ichiro's inside the park homerun was awesome and the fact that the National League nearly came back and won it in the bottom of the 9th with two outs and down by 3 runs was pretty exciting. but alas another year and another loss for the National League...that's a full decade of losses now. they haven't won since i was in highschool. oh well, it was still a good game and might have sparked my interest in baseball again...but probably not.

oh yeah i almost forgot, FUCK YOU TONY LA RUSSA! you are a stupid douchebag. i can't believe you didn't pinch hit Albert Puljos with the basses loaded in the bottom of the 9th. he's your fucking player dude?!?!?! we have a word for people who make moves like that. FUCKTARD.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Obligatory and Unfounded Attempt at a Pre-Season Top 25...fo' yo' ass bitches

Oh Say it Ain't So. we still have to wait 54 days for college football! FUCK!!!

breaking down the contenders:

all the Pre-Season mags are out and what not and the experts have weighed in. Across the board the Number 1 team in all the land is USC (of Southern California, not South Carolina just incase you are retarded) and it's kinda hard not to agree with that logic. The Trojans are by and far the most talented team in all the land with about 40 or so future 1st or 2nd round picks spread among their roster. they've got more 5 star running backs than most conferences can claim and their whole defense is full of NFL stars-to-be.so yeah, i ain't gonna think outside the Box too much and i'll just pencil the Trojans in at number one and assume John David Booty learned how to drop back and throw his passes a little higher in game winning situations as to prevent them from being batted down and then being beaten by the Oregon State's and UCLA's of the world. blah blah blah etc...

the rest of the title contenders seem to be LSU, Texas or Oklahoma, West Virginia or Louisville, and Michigan in no certain order. i'm gonna go out on a limb and predict that if West Virginia runs the table in the Big East then they are probably gonna end up in the title game, but i could see a one loss LSU squad getting the nod ahead of them...but honestly i think LSU will get tripped up more than once, with potential losses coming from Virgina Tech and possibly Alabama or Auburn.

regardless i expect another crazy year in college football that sets up a National Title matchup that will leave most of the country and angry and frustrated and in no way any closer to the playoff system we really wanna see. so without further ado,


1. USC
2. LSU
3. West Fucking Virginia
4. Texas
5. Michigan
6. Florida
7. Virginia Tech
8. Louisville
9. Oklahoma
10. Tennessee
11. California
12. Auburn
13. Ohio State
14. Georgia
15. Penn State
16. Hawaii
17. Florida State
18. Missouri
19. South Carolina
20. UCLA
21. South Florida
22. Texas A&M
23. Nebraska
24. Wisconsin
25. Alabama
some other teams that i expect to be in the top 25 at some point in the season are, Oklahoma State, Rutgers, TCU, Georgia Tech, Arkansas, Oregon, Utah, Boston College, and Boise State (if only for being the most balls out team of last year). all of these rankings are probably wrong.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

I Often Have Nightmares About This Play

fucking Arkansas. nobody knows how to deflate my hopes like those goddamned Razorbacks. who needs a QB when you can hide a midget behind your O-line.

with the season coming up i don't really worry about LSU, UGA, or even BAMA...it's this fucking game that keeps me up at night every year.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007


Finally America has something to be proud of again. like the 1980 US Hockey team beating the Soviets or Jesse Owens kicking nazi ass in the olympics or Rocky beating the Russian dude in Rocky IV, Joey Chestnut joins the ranks of great American heroes by defeating the real life Godzilla of the competitive eating world Takeru Kobayashiour with a record 66 hotdogs. our long national nightmare is finally over...and on indepedence day no less. the mustard yellow belt is back where it belongs. USA! USA! USA! USA! this is how legends are born.

Monday, July 2, 2007

i hate the American League

so i was just wondering this as i was flipping though the channels and saw that ESPN was showing the Twins vs Yankees game, how fucking far out of first place do you think the Yankees will need to be before ESPN stops talking about them like a possible playoff team? last time i checked the Pirates have about as good a shot at winning their division as New York does winning the AL East. you know, honestly nothing would make me happier than if Toronto got hot and ended up winning the East away from both the Red Sox and Yankees and keeping them each out of the playoffs. this obviously has no real chance to occuring and i am pretty sure Steve Phillips head might explode if it did, but wouldn't that just be hilarious. honestly another year of Yanks/Sox hype is enough to make me quit watching baseball all together.